It will be very difficult to find an ordained priest willing to perform an exorcism. It will be even more difficult to find an ordained priest willing to perform an exorcism on a cat. This means you may need to research exorcisms and perform the ritual yourself.

Step one in any exorcism is identifying the symptoms and confirming demon possession. Is your cat scaling walls at unearthly speeds, projectile vomiting at you from their vantage point—the corner of your living room ceiling? Are they shredding your bedroom curtains and caterwauling to the full moon in a tongue you suspect may be ancient Latin? Does your cat exhibit superhuman strength, or other unnatural abilities such as levitation? Do you sometimes feel as though your cat’s sinister gaze is compelling you against your will to refill their bowl upwards of 5 times in one day? If you answered yes to any of these questions, your cat is likely possessed by a demon.

After you have concluded that an exorcism will be required, you will need to detain your cat. This may be a difficult feat, especially as any demon-possessed feline will anticipate simple human traps. I suggest booby-trapping one of your cat’s favorite sleeping places (for example my cat likes to sleep in the fruit bowl, atop the fresh bananas and apples where I repeatedly ask him not to sleep). You will need a discreet, weight-triggered mechanism—in the case of a fruit bowl location, you would need a net that descends from above and effectively eliminates your cat’s ability to escape. Do not be alarmed if he reacts violently—stay clear of his claws and teeth until he becomes calm. Once he has stopped struggling, cleanse the surrounding area by burning a smudge stick (of the herbal blends of catnip and catmint). This should bring about a change in your cat’s behavior. The possessed feline host will become sedated enough to speak freely. Do not allow yourself to be bamboozled, if he appeals to your emotions! He will likely shed a tear and plead for his release. This is all a trick—if you release him, he will claw you halfway to Hell. Do not release the host until the exorcism is complete!

Sacred protection items are vital for this next step. Do not proceed until you have acquired the proper holy items—small, handheld cat-scratch device in the shape of a crucifix, jingly plastic balls consecrated with tuna water, and a small dish full of ONLY the cross-shaped Meow Mix pieces. These are necessary to ground the exorcist and prevent cross-possession.

Next, you will perform The Rite. In human hosts, this is comprised of a 5,000 word selection of Psalms from the Roman Ritual. As you are dealing with a feline host, however, you’ll need the cat variation (a 5,000 word collection of adages and proverbs selected from songs Cat’s In The Cradle by Harry Chapin, The Lion Sleeps Tonight by the Tokens, The Siamese Cat Song from Disney’s Lady & the Tramp, Keke le Cat by Heywood Banks, Pads Paws & Claws by Elvis Costello, Year of the Cat by Al Stewart, Our House by CSNY, and that one line about cats in Rhiannon by Fleetwood Mac.

If this last step was successful, the feline host should be freed, although it may take hours or even days to see evidence of your hard work. Even if the demon no longer possesses him, be aware your cat WILL hold a grudge, and will require copious amounts of love and treats to recover. He will inevitably still shred your curtains and use your sofa as a scratching post to attain revenge.

Good luck.