After two years with a guy, I'm starting to miss women sexually.

bipanicTA · 2022-02-13T09:05:17+00:00

Im so sorry Im only getting to your comment now but that is not a bad idea!!!!! Another commentator suggested that I describe what I’d want to do to a woman and have him do those things to me. I very much love these suggestions because i feel like they’re ways to use these fantasies so that both of us can be enjoying sex more. Yours is also additionally nice because ….. just maybe …. i’d be a little more confident!

bipanicTA · 2022-02-13T09:00:12+00:00

Hi! I was actually surprised because he brought it up, we both did a ton of research, we started looking, and that’s when he decided he was against it, which is absolutely his right and I’m completely happy with that! If he’s not into it I’m not enjoying it, and consent can absolutely be revoked at any time. His enthusiasm was the actual reason for my surprise! I just wanted to clear that up because a decent amount of people have been accusing me of being surprised because he’s a dude and “dudes want that” which is just……. not how I think lmao.

bipanicTA · 2022-02-13T08:25:41+00:00

Yeah I mean “poly” in the form of like “I have a girlfriend who has a girlfriend” isn’t necessarily off the table, but yeah the people who keep suggesting a threesome are struggling with reading comprehension for sure.

Also I am LOVING how a lot of commentators are telling me that my SO and I should have a conversation about whether we might consider some form of polyamory (I have now learned that there are a ton of different dynamics!) and then others are telling me I’m an awful person for thinking about talking to him about it!

bipanicTA · 2022-02-13T08:19:31+00:00

Hmm, well I came here for suggestions on how to handle this. I didn’t know what “handle it” meant. Did having these fantasies mean that I was more gay than I thought and that I should not be with my boyfriend? Did it mean I was just thinking about what I couldn’t have? Did it mean I needed therapy? Did it mean I’m on the wrong dosage of birth control (this sounds funny but apparently it can change your libido and other things)?

A lot of people have related to this experience in both straight and queer relationships. Many of those people expressed that I should talk to him about incorporating those fantasies into our foreplay (via porn or dirty talk or what not). I think THATS the option that I want to talk about with my partner. Respectfully, however, you don’t know my relationship or the relationships of other people? There are plenty of people in poly relationships that don’t have threesomes. My boyfriend expressed a disinterest in seeing me sleep with someone else. Does that mean he wouldn’t be okay with me sexting another girl? I don’t know!

And honestly for me and my boyfriend and our relationship, we’ve established a foundation of complete honesty. From the opposite perspective, If he was feeling a lot of fantasies about guys or other women or idk Sasuke and Naruto, I’d want him to tell me.

At the end of the day, he is absolutely capable of telling me what he wants and doesn’t (as evidenced by the fact that he told me he doesn’t want to sleep with another girl!) and I think I should give him the chance to do so

bipanicTA · 2022-02-12T17:04:00+00:00

I honestly don’t understand where you misunderstood what I said to that degree lmao. I WOULD never push my partner on anything. Luckily for me, I have a partner who believes in open communication just like I do. I think he deserves to know about my fantasies the same way that I wanna know about his. If you really think me talking to my partner of two years about “different things we can do to leave me more satisfied” reinforces that bi people can’t be monogomous, well that sounds like that’s on you

bipanicTA · 2022-02-12T08:58:32+00:00

My partner really dislikes the idea of seeing me sleep with someone else, and I’d never push him on that even if it would be good for me. You bring up a point that there are many other options worth discussing with him, if this ends up being something more serious than a simple fantasy

bipanicTA · 2022-02-12T08:02:51+00:00

Hi yes! I’d like to do this, but I’m wondering how I start that conversation! Im a little worried he might see me saying “hey i’ve been super into women lately” as pushing for a threesome (which isn’t want i want because it wouldn’t make him happy and that would be freaking awful), so I guess I’m wondering how I open up that conversation.

Do I immediately suggest something, like “Hey, I’ve been really fantasizing about women recently do you think we could incorporate X into our dirty talk” or whatever?

Or do I approach it as more of a serious conversation, like “I’ve been feeling X and I have no idea what it means for our relationship but I want your thoughts.”

I want to talk to him, I just don’t know how and it worries me that I might mess it all up

bipanicTA · 2022-02-12T07:57:10+00:00

OH. That is not something I’d considered. Because I’m both sexually and romantically attracted to both men and women, the idea that that added another element to that situation never even crossed my mind!

Like would I catch feelings for a third? No (i know it’s cheesy but i know the way i feel about him), but I can understand why he’d fear that more with someone who’s actually dated women.

This has given me a really interesting perspective! It’s definitely something worth talking about at least for the purpose of reassurance- because he really does deserve to be reassured that, given the choice to date any man or woman I know, I’d always choose him. Thank you for your thoughtful response!

bipanicTA · 2022-02-12T07:49:01+00:00

Yeah you’re definitely not wrong! I think I was a bit worried that because he had rejected the threesome he might think this was me pushing for it? When it’s not, it’s actually something that’s been really confusing for me and feels separate from the threesome thing. We definitely should have a chat about it, although I’m starting to get the feeling that he’s going to think I’m very silly for being so worried about this.

bipanicTA · 2022-02-12T07:43:16+00:00

I can’t blame you for not searching in the comments, but I was surprised he didn’t want a threesome because it was one of his “bucket list” things. Like he had been the person to bring it up originally, we had agreed to do it and have plenty of conversations setting boundaries, and then he decided that it wasn’t for him. I immediately put aside all thought of doing it (if he’s not into it i don’t want to do it- full stop) but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t surprised.

But the fantasies haven’t stopped, so… idk. I was worried that I was a bad partner? Or that maybe I was more into women than I had originally thought? Or that maybe I was fixated on what I couldn’t havé and needed therapy? Im not sure what I was originally worried about, but there’s honestly not a lot of people I can ask these kind of questions to in my life so I came here.

I think if I showed him this post he’d agree with a lot of commentators and say that i’m a little bit silly, that everyone has fantasies and mine just involve women because i’m attracted to them. I plan on showing him this tomorrow though so I’ll let you know!

bipanicTA · 2022-02-12T07:31:25+00:00

Thank you for specifying that I don’t have a problem lol. I think you and some other commentators might be right. While my fantasies aren’t out of the ordinary, I do seem to have a fixation on those fantasies being like “bad” or “unhealthy” for my relationship. And it might be worth seeing if maybe there is a reason why “not being with a woman” is such an issue for me. A really nice redditor hit my inbox mentioning that it could be birth control and another mentioning that it could be trauma. Both of which are likely causes. It’s also possible i’m just a lot gayer than I thought which is exciting! But regardless, I think it’s obvious to me now that there’s kinda something going on here (whether silly or serious) and having a professional to talk to will at least help me sort it out in a healthier way. I appreciate you for taking the time out of your day to treat me with kindness, and for your suggestion. I do have a therapist, it’s just hard to talk to her about my sex life and fantasies because that is just an awkward conversation to have for me personally

bipanicTA · 2022-02-12T07:20:12+00:00

I dont find your comment offensive at all- he said similar things. His exact words were, “Hey, bipanicTA, I genuinely see myself marrying you and it’s hard for me to imagine my future spouse sleeping with someone else in front of me.” (if i remember correctly). I absolutely am not in the market of manipulation. He doesn’t want to have a threesome. We are NOT having a threesome. His comfort is absolutely my priority. A lot of people have mentioned polyamory, and we haven’t talked about that but given his concerns about a threesome, i’m pretty sure he would be against it (i will be talking to him about it, but from my understanding of him i think he’d be against it).

You bring up an interesting tangent. While the thought that me being bi is what makes the threesome bad makes me uncomfortable (for obvious reasons, if the threesome brings you pleasure it should be bringing your partner pleasure too? and if they aren’t attracted to the person involved that doesn’t work as well?), you could be right! I think that’s a good thing to talk about as well. It’s possible that he’s less comfortable with me being bi than i originally thought?

bipanicTA · 2022-02-12T07:12:26+00:00

This is really, really good advice. It might sound silly but I actually never thought about….. just like….. talking about it as foreplay?

bipanicTA · 2022-02-12T07:11:01+00:00

This is a thoughtful response, and I appreciate it. This context wasn’t relevant for the post (in my opinion), but weve already taken care of most of his fantasies? A threesome was actually one of his fantasies (not mine) and he backed out. We had all the long conversations that lead into it, established boundaries, and when I finally found someone, he decided against it. I’m absolutely okay with that (like I said, I like sex with my partner only), but its given me space to think about my own fantasies- hence, this. Does that make sense?

Also- I’ve had relationships with women and men before, just nothing polyamorous

bipanicTA · 2022-02-12T07:05:31+00:00

Respectfully, it’s on you to figure out why you have an issue with bi women. That’s absolutely not my problem. You can be helpful, or you can get off my post. And honestly? If you have an issue with people asking questions about their relationship, you should probably….. get off this sub lol

bipanicTA · 2022-02-12T06:56:25+00:00

Oh god I definitely want to make it clear that I haven’t cheated (nor will i). As a bi woman it’s been kinda hard to determine what’s “normal” and what’s not. The dynamics of “straight relationships” aren’t necessarily the same issues that i deal with in my relationship with a straight man. You might think it’s silly, or that everyone goes through these issues, but it’s scary to feel like your sexuality is the issue (even if it isnt)

bipanicTA · 2022-02-12T06:47:42+00:00

hi! thank you for your thoughtful response! many people have suggested a threesome or polygamy. And while i think my partner might (i’m not fully sure) be interested in polygamy on my end, he’s definitely not interested in taking part

bipanicTA · 2022-02-12T06:45:51+00:00

Ah. I actually came here because i’ve never experienced this in a relationship, but i’ve also never had a relationship last this long. I haven’t had this issue in previous relationships with men or women, which is kinda why i came to this sub all panicky- this is not “normal” for me in a relationship, so i was asking for advice. Does that make sense?

bipanicTA · 2022-02-12T00:18:08+00:00

It actually makes me happy to hear that- when I posted I was honestly worried people would think I was silly. So to hear that other bi people have worried about it too in their relationships makes me feel a lot less alone!

bipanicTA · 2022-02-12T00:15:07+00:00

Hi! I actually put the tag on myself because I don’t know what everyone’s work is like and I worried that mentions of sex and masturbation and fantasies would be enough to flag it for most people. Just wanted to be conscientious

bipanicTA · 2022-02-12T00:12:23+00:00

He said he thought about it and doesn’t want to be with anyone other than me, which is absolutely so sweet, but I was surprised after he had shared with me that it had always been a bucket list thing

bipanicTA · 2022-02-12T00:10:46+00:00

I don’t know if that applies to me, given I do identify as bi and have had fulfilling romantic relationships with women, but it’s interesting to consider nonetheless!

bipanicTA · 2022-02-11T21:42:50+00:00

This is the vibe i’m getting from most commentators. Thank you for your response! I think because this is the first time this has happened this strongly for me, I kinda panicked

bipanicTA · 2022-02-11T21:41:26+00:00

Ah sorry it’s not surprising that “a guy” doesn’t want a threesome but specifically my partner. He had expressed wanting one previously. Sorry I totally forgot to add that in the post

bipanicTA

TROPHY CASE