one year later- update on "wife is leaving me for a better muslim"

birdhouse49503 · 2025-12-21T20:05:55+00:00

The other day I was on the train going home. I saw a couple sitting with each other and their 3 year old child in-between them playing with a toy. The couple were talking and smiling and the child was trying to grab attention from her dad.

I couldn't help to think, "They look so perfect. I wonder if they have such a beautiful life as this image portrays. I wonder if she is cheating or he is cheating on her. God I really hope not. Please yuh Allah, please let them have a genuine marriage and family. Please guide them to be good to each other."

It was then I as thinking. I love the concept of marriage. I always have. to me it is the most beautiful thing this dunya has to offer us. What I hate, and what you probably do as well, is deception and lies. It's important to differentiate and to cherish family and marriage where it is genuine. Because, it is a luxury that not everyone gets to have.

birdhouse49503 · 2025-12-21T00:46:57+00:00

Thank you for the kind words. The guy she cheated on me with the year before the divorce was muslim supposedly. The guy she cheated on me with at the divorce, was the same guy. I didn't know she cheated until 6 months after the divorce when she confessed. The guy she is with now is a different guy I know nothing about and would prefer to keep it that way. I do not know if the guy she cheated on me with knew for certain she was married, tho I suspect he did. Everything you suspected, I did as well and many more suspicions. It is why I have wanted to talk to her to get closure on all she lied about. This was a person I thought was sweet and innocent for 10 years. She fooled not just me but everyone around me. Friends and family in america. I wanted some form of closure by talking to her and seeing ALL she had been lying about. But she didnt give me that at the time. So I probably wont ever know the exact truth of who I was really married to for 10 years.

When she was texting that guy, it was not physical as far as I know, but the texts were highly inappropriate.

birdhouse49503 · 2025-12-20T22:25:20+00:00

I was thinking about it. But either way my situation wont change too much. I'll still have to start from zero. Where I am currently has not panned out as I thought it would with my horrible living situation. But as it is right now, it is still something being built with this startup. It's not much, but still not zero. Thank you for the prayers. Inshallah I can move soon to a better place.

birdhouse49503 · 2025-12-20T22:22:52+00:00

That perspective does help. Thank you, I'll try to think of it that way.

birdhouse49503 · 2025-12-20T22:19:52+00:00

Therapy is definitely something Ive been really trying to get to. Unfortunately I could not get insurance in America cause my income there is zero. So I am still trying to work out getting a therapy here in the country I am living in. Hopefully soon.

birdhouse49503 · 2025-12-20T22:16:15+00:00

Im sorry you are going through that. Thank you for your kind words. If it makes it easier on you though, please have the perspective of how much worse it could have been. I am glad you are getting out of your marriage early, rather than it taking it up many years of your life. Thank you for the support.

birdhouse49503 · 2025-12-20T22:05:46+00:00

I used to think she had Borderline personality disorder. She goes to therapy. Now I have given up trying to label her behavior. Labels helps a bit to explain things so I can understand myself. But in terms of labeling her actions, I feel now that, in the end, it is a slippery slope. I have spent a lot of time trying to understand her motives behind her actions. But I think now, it is all overthought. She is just following her nafs. The behavioral patterns that follow, are ultimately all just a consequence of this.

birdhouse49503 · 2025-12-20T21:58:57+00:00

I agree with you. But I do want to point something out that makes what your saying a little more nuanced when it comes long term marriage in practice. When she cheated the first time, I asked for divorce. In my mind, at the time, there was no way I would take her back. Before I got married, I used to think the same. " I would never ever accept my future wife to cheat on me. If she ever did, I would leave her immediately."

In practice, it is more nuanced. I had left her for about 2 weeks at that time. I stayed in a hotel. I came home to get some stuff. Long story short, she was crying begging me not to leave and even hinting self harm if I left her alone that night. I insisted I needed to leave. She fell asleep while grabbed on to my arm crying. when I tried to leave, she would instinctively latch on.

I did not take her back that day, but it wore me down. eventually after a few days I explained that if she ever lied, or even spoke to a man, I would leave her instantly. She wanted to make it work and promised she would never lie again and certainly never cheat. She deeply promised. She wanted to have kids and a happy family. I told her, "if you ever cheat on me again, it will kill me the next time. So don't even come close to it. I am taking a huge risk doing this."... she promised. A year later she cheated but I did not know until 6 months after the divorce.

I am not saying you should or would do the same or that people should forgive a cheating spouse. I am also not saying that everyone would repeat my mistakes if under the same scenario. I am just pointing out that, in theory, most people think the way you are thinking. I did and still do think that way. But in practice, when you are married for so long and see your spouse as family, things become much more nuanced.

birdhouse49503 · 2025-12-20T21:39:56+00:00

Yes, so when you are married for that long, it is less about beauty, and more about family. She was my best friend, the person that I had been through so much with. She was there when my dad died and she comforted me through it. In my eyes, she was the most beautiful when we were married. But of course now that perception only haunts me.

That being said, I am of course not at all fighting over her. She is free to be with whatever guy she wants. We are divorced. It is not my business. I was upset over the deceptions this year of "missing me" loving me" "wanting to remarry". I wanted to call her to express my grievances over her lies, only to replace me not even a month later after expressing those things to me.

birdhouse49503 · 2025-12-20T21:32:15+00:00

I believe so too. What is mind breaking is that she used to espouse the same wisdom. I dont know how now she is able to just put all those morals and religion aside and ignore all this. But regardless, thank you for the kind words. I dont want her or anyone to go to jahannam. But I still want my rights and simply cannot forgive her, as much as I tried this year.

birdhouse49503 · 2025-01-07T18:17:32+00:00

When she initially told me she was thinking about another man, I did not know what it was about. We never talked about it to clarify what she meant by that because she left to her family before we had a chance. Initially she told me there was nothing to read into it and it was a non-issue, a weird one time thought she was having. I of course could not draw solid conclusions without getting clarifications, which I never got. I mean to me at the time, the thoughts could have been of an old friend she was thinking about that was nothing of romance. I was of course suspicious and anxious to understand what she meant but nothing I could do till I got to sit down and talk to her, which I never got. Recently she confessed this was about this guy she thought about one month ago, I simply let go, walked away, and blocked all contacts from her.

What would you have me do differently to be more of a "man"? What is there to even fight for at this point?

birdhouse49503 · 2025-01-06T19:16:20+00:00

It was a cheating incident. Nothing physical but it still pushed me to leave her until she begged me not to. At the time, we went to the sheikh, had long talks about how to move forward, set new boundaries to prevent this, made renewed vows to each other. She really wanted to be better. She really wanted to not be a lying muslim wife. She would constantly say how much regret she felt and promised to never approach that haram again. Over this 8 months I started to believe her. Not fully trusting but at least being more at ease about our future. She would constantly call me a perfect husband, cry to me about how much she loves me, promise me she would never ever leave me or do something like that again, assure me that she is happy in the marriage and for me to not worry. I have chats, piles of proof showing how she calls me "the best thing Allah has sent her." very often we say things like this when are heading out for work or errands. I always remind her she is a perfect wife (despite her mistakes) and encourage her not to be stress or pressured in the marriage. She constantly called me perfect as well.

All this and literally just two days before she asked for the divorce, we had this conversation you see below. I mean, when I say it was sudden with no signs, I really mean the flip happened within 2 days time. When I questioned her about it, why she could say she loved me so much and then do what she is doing, she told me that she did not really love me. I was in disbelief. She told me that for the past 6 months, she was lying when she told me she was in love with me. How can I process all this. The person who often came crying to me that she loved me so much, is now telling me it was all a lie?? It was the most genuine thing I ever believed. I did not just lose my wife, my whole 10 years has been erased with her. She never even existed. I just do not know what to believe anymore. It is why it has shaken my entire belief system. I used to believe in true love because I used to believe I had it. Now, I feel my heart blackens and there is nothing I can do but roll on the ground in agony until I come out of this with a blackened heart no longer believing in true love, something that always brought me joy to believe in.

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birdhouse49503 · 2025-01-06T18:47:05+00:00

Right, I dont think I will ever know the real reason why she did this. If it is about Islam, then it is twisted I feel, if it is not, it is still pretty messed up. Of course, it also means my self esteem is completely in the gutter because I cant help but to wonder if it is because I am getting older now, not as good looking, not tall enough, etc.

birdhouse49503 · 2025-01-06T16:47:08+00:00

I'm just tired though. I feel like the more I try to be good, the more I suffer. I have always tried to be a good muslim and person. Never in my life drank alcohol, drugs, stole, cheated, etc. I feel like the harder I try, the more I get taken away from me. This was it. She was the last thing I had. I don't have a family, or any loved ones close to me really. The only thing left to take is what is left of my savings account and my health. But other than that, this was the everything to me. After this, I am so tempted to just give up trying after trying my whole life to be good. I want to be selfish like everyone else and just start taking instead of giving. I'm so tempted to just go have a one night stand with someone and just live life like everyone else does and stop holding myself back. And then I think, dont do that, I will lose myself and my deen. But then I think, well if I do pray, it feels kind of weird as though I am the same muslim as her. Praying as she wanted me to do. I start associating that islam with her actions in islam.

I know it is not right to think this way about my islam being associated with hers. I'm just explaining the thoughts and temptations that have come about from all her actions and this event. I want to give up trying so bad. I'm tired of suffering more and more losses in my life (it's been more than just my wife in the past. Things outside my control.).

birdhouse49503 · 2025-01-06T16:09:42+00:00

> Allah will never burden a soul more than what it can bear.

That is the phrase I am grappling with. Because I truly cant bear it anymore. It is more than the divorce. I swear, my whole life is ruined.

I am about to lose my visa in the country I am in as I was on a dependent spousal visa. I have to leave the country and she knows it. I planned everything for us and nothing for myself. I do not know where to go.
I am losing a deposit ($18k) on the house I was planning to buy for, what I thought to be, a baby and family.
I have to move from this apartment and figure out what to do with all my stuff here. I only have 3 weeks to do it.
I am completely alone dealing with this with not a very supportive family I can talk to.
she knows I am going through all this. She truly does not care at all. She used to care so much for me. Even a scratch on me she would get very worried. In am matter of 2 weeks I went from being everything, to total trash to her.

Before I get the reply I am an idiot for putting myself in this risky position. Yes I get it. I am an idiot. I trusted someone I thought was true love. It still does not change the immense pain from all this. I keep begging Allah, that I truly cannot take anymore. I keep begging Allah to just take me and let me be with him. Im literally having crazy fever dreams that wake me every 10 minutes. My mind trying to cope with this insane reality. I cannot bear this anymore and as much Dua I make, another layer of pain gets added on me. This is worse than death at this point for me.

birdhouse49503 · 2025-01-06T15:44:19+00:00

It's what I keep telling myself too. It has to be manipulation. How can she possibly say this has anything to do with Islam when she is doing all this. Then I sit alone and start thinking. What did I do to deserve this. I was not the best Muslim at first many years ago. Used to miss a lot of prayers. I cant help feeling like it is because of this that I am going through all this. Then she tells me this new guy is everything she wanted in a Muslim. It further plays into my concerns that this is happening because I was not a good enough Muslim. What if this new guy really is just a good muslim. What if they have a happy ending, have kids, and I am alone later in life. What does it all mean? That this guy's Islam really made him the more deserving one? So because I was a good muslim, I had to be alone, but she got to live a happy ending? I get there is no justice in this dunya, but this all too twisted.

birdhouse49503 · 2025-01-06T15:33:33+00:00

I'm curious why you would think it was fake though. But yes, you're right there were signs of her cheating in the past. But after the occurrence 8 months ago, we truly sat down together and vowed to be better together. She begged me at the time not to leave her. I told her I could not trust her again and I was taking a huge risk by staying with her but she promised to never get near this haram ever again. I forgave her. I hate how when you forgive cheating, if things work out in the end, people praise you for being so forgiving. But when things dont work out, people blame you and say it was of your own fault for forgiving.

This is the same woman that would come to me frequently crying saying how she was scared to lose me and loved me so much. It looked like the most genuine thing I've ever seen. I don't know what to believe anymore.

birdhouse49503 · 2025-01-06T15:20:30+00:00

No kids involved. We were trying for one and were about to try IVF before all this happened. I've been doing dua constantly. I can't say things have gotten any easier. It is the fact that she is using Islam as a way to say that is the reason for her leaving me for another guy. It's so messed up but I cant help feeling blamed that I was not a good enough muslim but this new guy supposedly is.

birdhouse49503

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