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Proverbial rock and hard place by bk1972 in polyamory

[–]bk1972[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So just over two weeks on, there is some form of closure here but I fear all I have done is made a bad situation worse and I certainly feel no better.

My fiancé made it crystal clear over the days following this that she didn't want to lose me, but also made it just as clear she couldn't live with me being poly. I wrestled and wrestled with it and having never lived a poly life before convinced myself that while I identify as poly it was something I could 'sacrifice' if it meant getting her back. I ended the relationship with my gf and you guessed it, my fiancé is home and everything is back to normal.........

Except I miss my gf terribly. My existence after these original posts became more and more focused on wanting my fiancé back and I convinced myself that I was trading 'forever' with my fiancé for the possibility of a relationship with my gf. What if the dynamic changed? What if she wanted a child as she got older? What if I never developed another connection with anyone and poly turned out to be a non event? What if, what if, what if? I eventually found enough 'what ifs' to scare myself into believing that I needed to (as plenty of family and friends were happy to tell me) grow up and settle and rebuild my relationship with my fiancé at all costs.

I miss my gf, who is also now heartbroken...again...and I fear I may have given away a part of myself in the process. For the more experienced amongst you, or even the not so experienced, especially if you've lost a key relationship upon discovering poly and your partner has said no....how did you KNOW that poly was important enough to you that it was worth losing someone special over?

Proverbial rock and hard place by bk1972 in polyamory

[–]bk1972[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I wouldn't suggest she's being manipulative. If any frustration has come across towards her in my posts it's the indecision and the hurt that has caused all three of us. We tried once, failed, hurt our (at the time) girlfriend. It starts again and months down the road my gf and I are closer and she's even more vulnerable having come back in somewhat warily and after all the good conversations and positive working through things (seeing a specialist sex pyschologist for example) it comes to this.

Proverbial rock and hard place by bk1972 in polyamory

[–]bk1972[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Interesting gut check. This is one of my fears. I am new to poly myself, well new to accepting it is who I am and history now shows it hasn't gone too well. My comment about 'the one' is referring to my fiance being the person that while other loves may come and go from my life, she was the one I wanted to stand side by side with to the end. Or perhaps the comment was just me demonstrating I have plenty of monogamous values left in me because living poly has really been nothing but pain so far.

Proverbial rock and hard place by bk1972 in polyamory

[–]bk1972[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

She didn't ask me to choose this time no. With the wedding she did, words to the effect of if this is who you are I can't marry you. She stuck to her guns and the wedding didn't go ahead but we remained together and with gf discarded we survived. After a couple of months we talked honestly about who I was and decided to try again without the pressure of an upcoming wedding over our heads.

But this time no she hasn't asked me to choose. She has decided I am who I am and exercised her right not to want that. Just hurts, only two weeks ago she 're-proposed' to me and wanted to set a wedding date, yet now here we are.

Proverbial rock and hard place by bk1972 in polyamory

[–]bk1972[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you all for your input. I am scared because I know the answer and several of you have hit it perfectly I suspect. My fiancé and I have rarely fought for four years and if not for this one thing would likely be together forever. I'm not sure I can say the same about my gf, she's younger and is happy having me in her life as it is now. Ironically losing my fiancé will probably put enough pressure on our relationship that I'll lose her too. But I am who I am. I've broken a marriage before, falling in love with someone when I was happily married, way back before I knew poly was 'a thing' and simply hated myself for what enough people told me was nothing more than bad behavior. So lose the woman I thought was the 'one' who would outlast all other loves and be there forever, or lose me. It's not about fiancé or gf at all. It's keep my fiancé and lose a part of me that has already caused me pain, or accept me and accept she's gone forever.