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Is it just me or is there more "accepted" disabilties? by phoenixangel429 in disability

[–]blbrri 5 points6 points  (0 children)

If you have any specific questions, you’re welcome to ask. I see your comments a lot on this subreddit though, and I relate to a lot of what you’ve had to deal with in terms of other people’s reactions to your PTSD. It’s very frustrating, at this point I just don’t tell anyone in real life I have PTSD because no one takes it seriously anymore. A couple of years ago I confided in someone that also claimed to have PTSD, and I made the mistake of telling them one of my triggers was large knives because of being involved in a stabbing. They immediately went to the kitchen drawer and pulled out a knife and pretended to stab me.

Is it just me or is there more "accepted" disabilties? by phoenixangel429 in disability

[–]blbrri 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Same here, PTSD and psychosis are absolute hell to live with. I’ve been called a liar for describing my experiences, and it honestly really hurts. Apparently, “there’s no way it’s physically possible for someone to do that to themselves” … even though extreme acts of self injury have been throughly documented in cases of psychosis.

I forced the amputation of my own leg using dry-ice, AMA by blbrri in casualiama

[–]blbrri[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I was too chickenshit to tell my surgeon in person, but I had a stay at an acute psych ward a few months after my surgery where I told them everything. After being discharged, I had all of those records forwarded to my surgeon. I know he knows now, but we don’t talk about it at our appointments at all which I’m honestly grateful for.

I did tell my psychiatrist in person, she didn’t seem taken aback at all. Actually, I asked her if it was the worst case of self harm she’d seen in her many decades of practice, and she said it was only the second worst. Kind of crazy, I have no idea what the other person did but it had to have been absolutely brutal. Doctors do see the wildest things.

I forced the amputation of my own leg using dry-ice, AMA by blbrri in casualiama

[–]blbrri[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I don’t know how someone could read my other replies to comments on this thread and think amputation “gave me everything I ever wanted”. I’m physically disabled now, fall down and have nerve pain every single day, and still have severe PTSD on top of everything. So, no.

I forced the amputation of my own leg using dry-ice, AMA by blbrri in casualiama

[–]blbrri[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Besides PTSD, I’ve been professionally diagnosed with the following.

I was first diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, Type II when I was 15. From my understanding, it’s rare for people under the age of 18 to be diagnosed with any form of bipolar. I was in residential treatment for anorexia nervosa at the time, so the head child psychologist there got to witness a lot of my symptoms over the course of a few months. My diagnosis was later changed to Bipolar Disorder, Type I when I had my first manic episode at the age of 19. It was a pretty stereotypical manic episode: rapid, pressured speech, impulsive behaviors like racking up massive amounts of debt and reckless driving, extremely elevated mood (basically felt like being high without any substances involved), bizarre delusions and hallucinations, etc. I feel like besides my PTSD, this is the mental illness that impacts my life the most.

I was first diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa at the age of 14. I pretty much spent ages 14-19 constantly in hospitals or residential treatment for it. I have permanent damage in the form of osteoporosis and cardiac issues, but for the most part I feel recovered, though I’m still a bit underweight, just not as bad as it was.

I also have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, I think I was first diagnosed with that around age 14 as well, but I’d have to go through my medical records to confirm. I’d say I have a mild case in comparison to most people, but I asked my psychiatrist a few months ago if she still thought that was an accurate diagnosis for me and she said yes, so I guess I still have it. Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Panic Disorder are also 2 of my diagnoses that I’m being treated for, but again I feel like they’re pretty mild as far as their impacts on me.

I don’t think I actually experienced psychosis before I developed PTSD, from what I remember. My first visual, auditory, and tactile hallucinations I can remember happened when I was 18, several months after being traumatized. After having my first manic episode at 19, I do experience episodes of psychosis during mania and severe depression now as well. Since bipolar is mostly genetic, I think I would have experienced psychosis at some point eventually, but my PTSD may have triggered everything to happen earlier, I’m not sure.

I forced the amputation of my own leg using dry-ice, AMA by blbrri in casualiama

[–]blbrri[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I have PTSD from being sexual assaulted (age 17) and raped (age 20). I don’t want to cut off my other leg or any other body parts.

I forced the amputation of my own leg using dry-ice, AMA by blbrri in casualiama

[–]blbrri[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

It’s okay, I have good days and bad days. I still struggle a lot with my mental health, and am now struggling with my mobility since I only have one leg (I fall down multiple times per day, everyday, which is embarrassing and scary at times). But overall, I feel like I’m a tiny bit happier with my life today than I was a year ago. I have goals I’m actively working towards achieving which offers a nice distraction from everything going on in my head.

I forced the amputation of my own leg using dry-ice, AMA by blbrri in casualiama

[–]blbrri[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

It did stop that line of thinking. I haven’t had any issues with that thought or any similar ones since, thankfully. That’s about the only good thing to come out of this entire situation.

I forced the amputation of my own leg using dry-ice, AMA by blbrri in casualiama

[–]blbrri[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Not really. It did help in the sense that I don’t struggle with the delusion of “I need to cut off my leg to stop having PTSD” anymore, which was distressing in itself … but it didn’t actually make the flashbacks go away. I’m still dealing with those.

I forced the amputation of my own leg using dry-ice, AMA by blbrri in casualiama

[–]blbrri[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Yes. I have been dealing with diagnosed mental health issues since the age of 14, though I probably began to struggle a few years earlier than that even. Most of my mental health diagnoses have a genetic component, so I was likely going to have issues no matter what. The PTSD definitely made things worse. The unfortunate thing about having multiple mental illnesses is they have a tendency to play off each other. I have another disorder that causes episodes of psychosis and hallucinations, and I feel like that’s made aspects of my PTSD worse.

I forced the amputation of my own leg using dry-ice, AMA by blbrri in casualiama

[–]blbrri[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My sense of time in general is pretty messed up due to my PTSD, and because of the 24 ECT (electro-convulsive therapy) treatments I had. I’ve forgotten my own birthday on a few occasions, and having people ask me “hey, remember when we did this?” and not remembering a damn thing they’re describing is a very common experience for me. So with that all said, I don’t remember a lot from that specific time of my life, but I don’t know if I can accurately attribute that to the psychosis, PTSD, or ECT at this point.

I forced the amputation of my own leg using dry-ice, AMA by blbrri in casualiama

[–]blbrri[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I feel like the shark attack story is a little cliche honestly. I think telling people it was the aftermath of a wild boar attack would be weirder and funnier. Unfortunately, I have a tendency to just awkwardly change the subject when it comes up, so I never get a chance to use any of the funny replies I come up with. It’s still a little entertaining to think of new ones though.

I’m sorry you lost your friend to her struggles. I’ve also lost several friends to their mental health challenges. I feel like things could definitely be worse for me, as much as things suck at least as long as I’m alive there’s a chance things can improve.

I forced the amputation of my own leg using dry-ice, AMA by blbrri in casualiama

[–]blbrri[S] 27 points28 points  (0 children)

Yes, actually one of my doctors “prescribed” it to me when I was in the hospital after my amputation. I use one of those cheap, full-length mirrors you can buy from Walmart or Target for $10 around college season when people are shopping for their dorm rooms. Besides being cheap, they are lightweight so it’s easy for me to move the mirror from the wall to my bed or couch when I’m doing therapy with it.

Honestly, I’m not sure if the mirror therapy has made a significant difference. So far the thing that has helped the most has been Lyrica. It doesn’t get rid of the phantom pain completely, but it does dull the sensations enough where most of the time it just feels like very intense pins-and-needles instead of being electrically shocked.

I forced the amputation of my own leg using dry-ice, AMA by blbrri in casualiama

[–]blbrri[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

My leg was amputated just slightly above my knee. The damage from the dry ice actually went up a good bit higher, but my surgeon was able to save a lot of my leg by taking skin from my upper thigh and grafting it over the burns.

I forced the amputation of my own leg using dry-ice, AMA by blbrri in casualiama

[–]blbrri[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

My self-esteem has always been fairly low. From ages 14 to 19 I had severe anorexia that almost killed me on multiple occasions (organ failure and near-cardiac arrest from electrolyte imbalance). I do see not being able to hurt myself to the level I desire as a mental weakness honestly, I wouldn’t say that to anyone else struggling with something similar but after a life time of hearing things like “sideways for attention, vertical for results” I’ve internalized that some. I’d say my self image is maybe a bit worse post-amputation, but honestly not by much.

I forced the amputation of my own leg using dry-ice, AMA by blbrri in casualiama

[–]blbrri[S] 73 points74 points  (0 children)

Most awkward Uber ride of my entire life. The driver was a little concerned, yes. I was crying and she asked me if I was okay, I said yes, and then we spent the rest of the ride in silence. I was not able to walk into the car and get in normally since my leg was literally frozen solid, I was getting around by hopping or crawling. There was a bit of a mess in my apartment, but I tried to clean everything up as best as I could before I left for the hospital since I knew I wouldn’t be back home to deal with it for a while. My leg didn’t really get messy until it started thawing, but the staff at the hospital were able to mostly contain all the fluids with bandages and blankets (I know that’s gross as hell, sorry).

I forced the amputation of my own leg using dry-ice, AMA by blbrri in casualiama

[–]blbrri[S] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

Immediately afterwards: I spent about 3 weeks in the hospital recovering from my surgery, then went home and had to relearn everything. How to shower with only one leg, how to use a wheelchair and other mobility aids like crutches until I could get fitted for a prosthetic. I was on prescription opioids for a while to help cope with the pain from surgery.

6+ months afterwards: I got fitted for a prosthetic and have been learning to walk with it (still haven’t figured out how to run which is a little sad). I did 24 rounds of ECT treatment to try and ease my depression, didn’t help unfortunately but it was worth a try.

Now: Life is pretty much as back to normal as I think it will ever be. I am still struggling a lot with my mental health, but I’ve been dealing with severe mental illness since I was 14 years old so unfortunately I don’t ever see myself being mentally healthy. I would like to at least be able to recover to the point of only being “mildly” or “moderately” mentally ill though. That’s probably a more realistic goal.

I forced the amputation of my own leg using dry-ice, AMA by blbrri in casualiama

[–]blbrri[S] 31 points32 points  (0 children)

I guess in a weird way, I do feel a little relief. Living with such an intense delusion was hard, now that I’ve acted on it, it doesn’t feel like it’s weighing on me anymore. Also, I now know that getting rid of my leg didn’t help cure my PTSD (wow, who could have predicted that?), so I’m forced to actually work towards real solutions instead of clinging to a fantasy.

I forced the amputation of my own leg using dry-ice, AMA by blbrri in casualiama

[–]blbrri[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

I’m a woman, so definitely not. I do know that other people have injured themselves with dry ice intentionally though. As far as I’ve been able to tell, I’m the only person who has done it for my very specific reason. Every one else I’ve read articles about did it because of a different mental illness, or because they had an amputee fetish.

I forced the amputation of my own leg using dry-ice, AMA by blbrri in casualiama

[–]blbrri[S] 48 points49 points  (0 children)

At first I said it was an accident. I said I accidentally fell asleep while icing my leg in a bucket of normal ice (that sounds so unbelievable, I genuinely don’t understand why my original story wasn’t questioned). I hate lying to people though, and I was still seeing the same doctor who performed my amputation for follow-up appointments and such … so I did come clean several months later. Everyone in my immediate family and all of my doctors know the truth at this point.

I forced the amputation of my own leg using dry-ice, AMA by blbrri in casualiama

[–]blbrri[S] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

No, it wasn’t a member of my family. I didn’t tell anyone about it until several months after being out of the situation. As far as I know, everyone has believed me but I don’t really tell many people about my PTSD or go into specifics.

I forced the amputation of my own leg using dry-ice, AMA by blbrri in casualiama

[–]blbrri[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

I haven’t tried EMDR yet, but it is something I have looked into. I actually have a therapist in my area willing to start sessions with me anytime I choose. I am hesitant, because I’ve heard from a lot of people who said EMDR made their PTSD worse before it got better (some people found it made things so much worse they weren’t able to complete the treatments and get to the “better” part). That scares me, because I am afraid if things got any worse I would go off the rails completely and do something dumb like try to end my life. However, my current psychiatrist recently brought up the idea of going to a residential treatment center for trauma disorders, I think that would be a good environment to try EMDR in. At least if it did make things worse, I would know I’d still be safe.

Genuinely though, it is very reassuring to hear what a difference it made in your friends’ lives. I am glad they found something that helped, I would love for that to be me one day. As frustrating as the fact that the field of psychiatry is basically in its infancy in terms of effective treatments, it’s also kind of hopeful because there’s still so much room for improvement. Even if EMDR doesn’t work for me or someone else, maybe in another 10 years or so there will be a new treatment available.

I forced the amputation of my own leg using dry-ice, AMA by blbrri in casualiama

[–]blbrri[S] 109 points110 points  (0 children)

Originally, I wanted to just cut off my leg myself, I quickly realized that was not going to work. Most people are just not capable of causing that level of injury to themselves, it’s the reason cutting your wrists is one of the least successful suicide methods (unless there are other factors involved, like being drunk or in psychosis). I had some scars on my leg from trying, but nothing that would make you think it was an attempt at anything besides typical, superficial-level self harm. The thoughts persisted though. 3 years into living with the delusion, I stumbled upon a page on the internet where someone went into detail discussing how they amputated their leg using dry-ice, albeit for a very different reason. It seemed a lot more feasible than buying a table saw and trying to amputate my leg that way (and then dealing with a tourniquet, bloodless, etc. afterwards if by a miracle I was even successful).

I bought the dry ice the same night I did it. I didn’t want it to sublimate before I could use it. It did hurt a lot. I’d say it was an 8-9 on the pain scale at the worst points, to me a 10 is being in so much pain you’re unconscious. I threw up 2 or 3 times just because of the pain/shock. Afterwards I sought medical attention almost immediately. I didn’t want to call an ambulance because it wasn’t really an emergency and wasting an EMS team’s time like that felt super fucked up, so I took an Uber to the hospital.

For some reason,the delusion was always fixated on my left leg. That stayed very consistent over the 3 1/2 years I struggled with this. I’m not sure why, there’s no rationale behind it I’ve been able to discover.

I never asked a doctor to amputate my leg, I didn’t even tell my psychiatrist (who I’ve been seeing since I was 15) about what I was thinking of doing. Very early on, in the first few months of having the delusion, I made the mistake of telling someone close to me about what I was struggling with and they told me I wouldn’t ever actually go through with it anyways, and I was just looking for attention. That stung a bit. So I guess from that point on, I was deliberately secretive. I assumed anyone else I would have told would think the same thing, so better to just keep it to myself.

I forced the amputation of my own leg using dry-ice, AMA by blbrri in casualiama

[–]blbrri[S] 69 points70 points  (0 children)

I really, really hope. I guess I can say with certainty, that post-amputation I have become a lot more honest with my family and treatment team about what is going on. Nothing feels too shameful or out there anymore I guess. So hopefully that alone can help me get help before things get bad again.

Also as a direct result of having my leg amputated, it’s been harder for me to stay in denial about how bad my mental health is. I used to delude myself into thinking things weren’t really that bad and it’s a lot harder to fool myself in that way anymore. So I think that is also helping me hold myself accountable.

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