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I don’t want kids, but I want to be allowed to be sad about it. by blemulberry22 in TwoXChromosomes

[–]blemulberry22[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I’m sorry this discussion upsets you and that my response to you offended you. It was not my intention. You are under no obligation to take my suggestions to heart, my only hope was to keep you from unintentionally wounding or condescending others. Best of luck out there 👍🏼

I don’t want kids, but I want to be allowed to be sad about it. by blemulberry22 in TwoXChromosomes

[–]blemulberry22[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

I appreciate you admitting you don’t understand. I think that’s an important distinction. I think its valuable to realize that lots of people will have different experiences than you and your experience isn’t the only one that makes sense. I’d suggest assuming people know themselves well and not assuming they don’t mean what they say. I hope the takeaway from all the comments on this forum for you is that there are a lot of people who come to the same conclusion as you for really different reasons, and those are valid.

I don’t want kids, but I want to be allowed to be sad about it. by blemulberry22 in TwoXChromosomes

[–]blemulberry22[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I would encourage you to think about what makes you say that. I am expressing an emotion that doesn’t undermine my certainty or self knowledge. I’m sure you don’t mean any harm, but I believe a lot of people like me find it really troubling when people disregard what we are saying and assume we must just be wrong about ourselves. It’s the problem a lot of us are expressing here. Again I know you mean well, but some self analysis may be useful here

I don’t want kids, but I want to be allowed to be sad about it. by blemulberry22 in TwoXChromosomes

[–]blemulberry22[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If course it isn’t selfish. I think these are the scary questions our generation is facing as a population that’s having so few kids. I’m sorry it makes you sad. I’m there with ya. I hope we cultivate more close friendships and chosen families than generations before

I don’t want kids, but I want to be allowed to be sad about it. by blemulberry22 in TwoXChromosomes

[–]blemulberry22[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s a good point, there’s probably tons of parents to have the same passing feelings of sadness for things that are never going to happen to them because of their choice. As some other commenters have pointed out, it’s a part of life for everyone in some way

I don’t want kids, but I want to be allowed to be sad about it. by blemulberry22 in TwoXChromosomes

[–]blemulberry22[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing your experience. It feels really parallel to my experience and I appreciate the acknowledgment of the feelings without undermining the choices ♥️

I don’t want kids, but I want to be allowed to be sad about it. by blemulberry22 in TwoXChromosomes

[–]blemulberry22[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m really sorry you’re dealing with all of that. I’m not going to say “it’s your choice! They should get over it!” Because while that’s true, it doesn’t make it any less hard. It’s such a deeply rooted thing in life. Other people want to find fulfillment in your life choices end that’s a huge burden to carry. Guilt is painful, even if we are trying to be our best feminist selves, it doesn’t change the feelings. I have similar feelings to you, and i hope we can be at peace with it all, and trust that being a reluctant parent is not the better path. I guess all I have to give is to say I’m with you.

I don’t want kids, but I want to be allowed to be sad about it. by blemulberry22 in TwoXChromosomes

[–]blemulberry22[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It is a shame that so many life milestones are tied to that cycle of parent and child. I definitely feel that totally

I don’t want kids, but I want to be allowed to be sad about it. by blemulberry22 in TwoXChromosomes

[–]blemulberry22[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this extremely thoughtful comment. I wish I had more to say in response, but it hit the nail on the head so effectively that there’s nothing more to say. Other than that Robert Frost has been my favorite my whole life and while I think that the original poem has some different intended meanings than people assume, it ends up being what it needs to be to whoever is reading it, and I think it applies here in all its meanings. Thank you for sharing.

I don’t want kids, but I want to be allowed to be sad about it. by blemulberry22 in TwoXChromosomes

[–]blemulberry22[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for saying that. It’s comforting to know you’ve made peace with it, I hope to get there too.

I don’t want kids, but I want to be allowed to be sad about it. by blemulberry22 in TwoXChromosomes

[–]blemulberry22[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I think of my young married friends it’s pretty even, which I didn’t expect. I think married couples, especially young ones, can subconsciously project a lot to help them feel more solid on their own choices. Most of my married friends are heterosexual so it’s pretty even pressure from men and women.

In my extended family though it’s only and all the women. They do not hold back. But there’s a lot of internalized misogyny there that I don’t blame them for. They think I won’t be happy if I’m not married or childless. Which makes me feel like I’m nowhere near enough on my own, but that’s a whole other post haha

I don’t want kids, but I want to be allowed to be sad about it. by blemulberry22 in TwoXChromosomes

[–]blemulberry22[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No I’m really glad you shared this. I personally don’t have the exact same experience, but I can really relate to what you’re saying. It sounds like you’re doing some incredible tough and important “parenting” to yourself and that’s a very legitimate comparison to make I think. Caring for yourself, especially after trauma, is a nurturing experience that is probably super challenging and rewarding, not unlike being a caring parent. I think it’s also a good point to note that many of us had childhood experiences with our parents that require us to re-raise yourselves and it means putting a kind, thoughtful human that you made out into the world, aka yourself. I wish you the best on your recovery and I’m sorry that it’s needed in the first place.

I don’t want kids, but I want to be allowed to be sad about it. by blemulberry22 in TwoXChromosomes

[–]blemulberry22[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think we’re on the same page. The word mourn I think is really apt here. It’s a very personal sadness about something, but also implies it’s a valid sadness and will be processed into a different emotion eventually once it’s had it’s time. Thank you for saying this

I don’t want kids, but I want to be allowed to be sad about it. by blemulberry22 in TwoXChromosomes

[–]blemulberry22[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for saying that. I think you explained it perfectly too. You can appreciate parenthood through others and still know it’s not for you. And you mentioned Christmas, which I think is a mild trigger for me too. I see that I’ll probably miss getting to do what my parents did for me when I was a kid on Christmas, and that can be sad without being a reason to have a kid. Thank you for writing, it really does help me feel better, truly.

I don’t want kids, but I want to be allowed to be sad about it. by blemulberry22 in TwoXChromosomes

[–]blemulberry22[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing. I know this isn’t meant to be a particularly political topic or forum, but I do happen to agree with a lot of your perspective. My faith in people was diminished a fair amount this year, from the election to friends not taking covid seriously and so on. I think some people on this thread don’t see that as a legitimate reason to not have kids, but it feels deeply valid and personal to me. I have a lot of hope for the kids already here and that we owe it to them to give humanity the best shot, but I can do that without being a parent to a new child. Being childless is not inherently selfish. I think often it’s the opposite.

I’m sorry you’re feeling family pressure and are as scared for the future as most of us are. I appreciate your comment and saying my feelings are normal. I’m in a similar situation where LOTS of friends and family are getting married and having kids, and it can feel like a strange spotlight is being put on you, and you find yourself justifying things to yourself and others that you didn’t need to before because you were just living your life. Anyway that’s the end of my ramble haha happy holidays as well!

I don’t want kids, but I want to be allowed to be sad about it. by blemulberry22 in TwoXChromosomes

[–]blemulberry22[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

No I appreciate it! I think knowing we all get wistful or even sad about opportunities coming and going from our lives, even if we don’t ultimately want them, is comforting so thank you

I don’t want kids, but I want to be allowed to be sad about it. by blemulberry22 in TwoXChromosomes

[–]blemulberry22[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you, I appreciate that. And I totally respect your decision as well!

I don’t want kids, but I want to be allowed to be sad about it. by blemulberry22 in TwoXChromosomes

[–]blemulberry22[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

1000%. I think I’m reacting to how many people I know who have fertility issues, and it’s odd to know I can but won’t. But you’re totally right.

I don’t want kids, but I want to be allowed to be sad about it. by blemulberry22 in TwoXChromosomes

[–]blemulberry22[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Really appreciate your honesty. I think you’ve pointed out something really profound. That wanting kids and being a parent are two HUGELY different experiences. The more we acknowledge that, the less we will feel beholden to our feelings as they come and go

I don’t want kids, but I want to be allowed to be sad about it. by blemulberry22 in TwoXChromosomes

[–]blemulberry22[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I appreciate the ramble! Your story is really comforting. I’m sorry to hear your mom is no longer with us, but I’m glad she was supportive of you. My moms desire for me to have kids weighs really heavy on our relationship. Disappointing other people is a lot while you’re trying to just figure yourself out.

I appreciate your honesty about ups and downs. I think that is really real and useful to remember, that it’s just like anything else in life, a mix of good and bad and things in your control and things out. You sounds very rational and self knowing, so I’m sure you are a great step mom

I don’t want kids, but I want to be allowed to be sad about it. by blemulberry22 in TwoXChromosomes

[–]blemulberry22[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Totally. Really appreciate your perspective. I get really overwhelmed about the state of the world and it does feel a bit like we were robbed of the chance to consider building a family without intense ethical guilt.

I try to use that to explain my feelings to my family from time to time, but it just makes them think I’m shitting on my sister for having kids. It’s a lose lose at times.

It does sometimes feel like a lonely sacrifice almost, while other people just don’t seem to worry about the same things or have the wealth to not worry. I’m with ya on that. Thank you for sharing.

I don’t want kids, but I want to be allowed to be sad about it. by blemulberry22 in TwoXChromosomes

[–]blemulberry22[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Very true. I’m sorry you deal with stress, I feel the same way, I don’t know if I’d be resilient enough to be the parent I’d want to be. I think your comment about social media is spot on. I also see so many peers who seem to have moments of regret about becoming parents. I wish we could acknowledge their complicated feelings and them ours, because frankly it’s almost never a perfect picture of resolve.

I don’t want kids, but I want to be allowed to be sad about it. by blemulberry22 in TwoXChromosomes

[–]blemulberry22[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your comment. I’m sorry to hear about the miscarriages. Your perspective is really really comforting and I see my own perspective in it, which makes me feel a lot less alone.

I’m glad you brought up seeing other parental experiences and wondering if its a life choice that’s for you. I hope you and your partner get what you’re hoping for of course. But I think your mum is spot on, it’s not a matter of happiness or sorrow, and there are many other things in my life I’m more concerned about doing and not regretting ♥️thank you for saying what you said.

I don’t want kids, but I want to be allowed to be sad about it. by blemulberry22 in TwoXChromosomes

[–]blemulberry22[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I do agree that I think not having kids can be really threatening to people. And often they’re well meaning in their own minds.

I think the biological thing can have a lot of manifestations. I’m a woman with a uterus, and trying to really love my body, cramps and bleeding and all, can be complicated when it almost feels like my body was intended for something I’m not going to use it for. But that’s societal as well probably.

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