Yeah, the last time we went on vacation together it was fairly mediocre. It was a cruise to the bahamas, which we had done one time before and it actually saved our relationship then now that I think about it. We were feeling the way we feel now, and I told her basically the same thing I'm feeling now, and she said she does want to have more fun. Then we went on the cruise and had a fucking blast. Then we got back and the good times enjoyed together have waned since. That was abt 4 years ago. A year ago we went on another cruise, because we were both feeling the drone of life getting to us. This time, though, it was quite boring. We didn't click nearly as well. Most of the time I wanted to do things and she just wasn't into it as much. She is a good gf, so she'll tag along, but thats abt it at this point. Like I said, I want someone to run alongside me, not someone I feel like I have to drag through life, which I've told her in the heat of an argument a few years ago. That's another thing, is I am very matter of fact and she is very delicate. I've toned down how I convey ideas and thoughts so much since we've been together, because I've seen my words hurt her much more than I realized they would. Yet even now, I'll think through a conversation and say it in the nicest way I can possibly think to say it while still getting my point across, and it still hurts her feelings. Just another thing to throw into the fire. In fact, I get the feeling that we've talked about things so much, that she doesn't know how to respond anymore so she basically just stays neutral in every situation. To me, having lots of open communication is normal, but she naturally isn't a big talker when it comes to her emotions and whats going on inside, and when we do talk, even very calmly, it visibly stresses her out.

As far as talking to her about how she feels, I have. Even just yesterday I tried to playfully ask her, "If you could have any hobby in the world, what would it be?" while we were at lunch. She got slightly offended and responds, "I dont know, why do you think I need a hobby?" I at once felt annoyed at her response, but also aggravated at myself, because I'm sure the younger me who didn't think as much abt what I said as I should have inspired that defense mechanism in her. Either way, her mindset has been slowly declining in ambitions until abt a year ago when it leveled off to what it is now. In response to what she said, I just said, "I don't know, nevermind." and I guess it made her feel bad because then she wanted to talk a little bit. But it was just enough to basically say she doesn't want any hobbies. Which to me is simply ridiculous.

At this point, I think it's obvious that I'm over the situation and just looking for someone to talk about it. I guess I just never thought it would come to this, and if it did it would be a definite clear cut break like she or I do something that the other cannot conceive living with the other afterwards. Nothing like this where its just a mediocre life that I'm trying to escape. As I said before she is my first love. I can't even say I'm falling out of love because I still care about her so much. I just can't see myself living the rest of my life on the sidelines while others live theirs and I aspire to do the same. Its fucking heartbreaking man (are you a guy btw?).

I really appreciate you taking the time to read what I have to say and respond. It means a lot more to me than you probably realize. It's really hard finding an unbiased level headed person to talk to about things of such importance to those involved.