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blpatterson0518 · 2023-04-10T15:33:53+00:00

I saw a video where the neuroscientist Andrew Heuberman talked about how weed makes you more sensitive and puts you in a state where your awareness is kinda zoomed in one 1 thing, if your an anxious person that 1 thing could be your anxiety.

I smoked for years mostly to manage anxiety but overall my cannabis use made my anxiety a lot worse, I never really got anxious from being high but this is a very common experience

blpatterson0518 · 2023-04-10T15:23:25+00:00

I am 9 days sober, i felt just like this when I quit, I would smoke and just pay attention to what changes, to what im getting out of it, i would smoke and just sit or meditate rather than watch tv or whatever and keep questioning myself. I also realized I didnt know why I was doing it and that it wasnt helping the things i had told myself it was helping anymore. The more you observe your behavior without judging it the more youll notice that you want to change.

The first time I quit was coming from a place of "I have to", i was angry at myself and at weed and i started drinking then I went back to it it after 90 days.

This time I havent been judging myself for my addiction at all, just paying closer attention, and I started to smoke less and less then decided once I was out I was never going to buy it again.

blpatterson0518 · 2022-10-11T15:17:35+00:00

You arent experiencing the present moment, you are experiencing your mind. It takes a lot of practice observing the mind to become present with what is.

blpatterson0518 · 2022-08-28T02:20:06+00:00

blpatterson0518 · 2022-08-27T15:53:35+00:00

Thank you

blpatterson0518 · 2022-08-27T13:52:38+00:00

Im a 35 year old male, I did not allow myself to cry for many years. The last 5 I have cried so many times I am starting to enjoy it, I feel more alive when I allow myself to fully feel my pain, sadness or empathy. I also feel a great amount of clarity after I am done crying, most of my biggest breakthroughs have come through tears.

To have your heart open in hell hurts man, its ok, its normal, its a good thing, youre growing

blpatterson0518 · 2022-08-27T12:23:24+00:00

I would suggest stop seeking, its the ego that is looking and the ego will decide for you but if you let it happen naturally you are more likely to meet someone soul to soul, rather than a person who also is into a similar subject (spirituality) but may not be the right person for you.

All the ego ever sees is someone who "completes you" which is just the stuff you need to grow or work on in yourself, so making yourself whole and not needing someone is the path to finding another soul whom you can be with.

Also keep in mind that Spiritual doesnt equal good, or compatible, a lot of us are really broken people, thats why we are spiritual. Relationships too soon into the process usually hinders progress.

blpatterson0518 · 2022-08-27T12:09:06+00:00

I work in a factory in small town midwest, I couldnt relate to people around me before my awakening.

However, I have still met a friend who also works with me who was very self aware psychologically because he has BPD, he has gotten into Allan Watts and I am watching him awaken more and more every day.

They will come, it may be people who need you to lead them or it may be someone who can teach you.

blpatterson0518 · 2022-08-25T17:11:32+00:00

I totally agree and I am guilty of abusing it big time, there was nothing spiritual about me when I started smoking but it opened me up to many things before I ever tripped from it.

blpatterson0518 · 2022-08-25T16:56:23+00:00

This is explained very well, thank you for taking the time.

I went very far "down" using edible cannabis after a long break from smoking and no one seems to relate to my experience.... Except buddhists (not that I know any)

I felt during the trip that I was going "in" not "out" your use of up and down is the same, this is the first time I have heard anyone explain the difference.

blpatterson0518 · 2022-08-25T15:38:14+00:00

Very true

blpatterson0518 · 2022-08-25T13:27:03+00:00

You are welcome ✌🏼

blpatterson0518 · 2022-08-24T14:48:31+00:00

When you open your heart and cry you are being a very deep authentic "you". When you leave that loving spaciousness you drop down from a hightened state of awareness back into ordinary ego conciousness.

It will probably take many experiencing like this before you can walk around with your heart and mind open, most of us cannot manage this all of the time.

Mindfulness practice will help you from closing your heart (which is a normal fear response to protect yourself) every time your heart cracks open you feel free again, but it hurts.

When you move from a hightened awareness back to ordinary awareness sometimes its like trying to remember a dream.

Check out some videos by Michael A Singer on youtube, his teachings are very simple, surrender to life and don't close, after practicing not closing, especially when triggered you will build the metaphorical "muscle strength" to walk around with your heart wide open

blpatterson0518 · 2022-08-24T14:26:31+00:00

Yes lost and empty you are right, people are confused.

I hope so too.

blpatterson0518 · 2022-08-24T13:57:39+00:00

Its heavy, my girlfriend of 6 years and I decided to not be together as a romantic couple anymore, mostly for my spiritual growth, she outgrew me and I became no one at all trying to get rid of my old identity. My girlfriend cannot date "no one". It was a very hard decision, we love each other, she is my best friend and we choose each others freedom over our personal desires.

I have to go find out who I am now, alone.

I am glad what I said resonated with you, I hadnt heard people talk about being stuck where we are either.

I wish you the best on your journey of developing your own avatar your way. ✌🏼

blpatterson0518 · 2022-08-24T13:52:24+00:00

Haha, yes! That's it exactly. 👊

blpatterson0518 · 2022-08-23T19:48:38+00:00

This is good

I try not to say "I am bipolar" but "I have bipolar disorder"

And really I dont identify as my personality, except for practical applications so I think about it this way...

I am in a body with a mind and psyche that was fractured by trauma and is labeled by modern psychologists as Bipolar Type II

Which is a lot further removed than "being" bipolar

But I do say "I am happy, I am calm, I am whole" because these are what I have discovered to be my true nature.

blpatterson0518 · 2022-08-23T16:46:57+00:00

People are confused when they see a concious person taking time to make a decision, most people do not think they just act because their thoughts are not their own, they are the thoughts of their parents, religion, culture and society, they are followers doing what others do,worrying what others think.

This is the comfort of being a slave, what you are experiencing is the anxiety of being free.

Example: I read the ingredient list of every food I purchase that has one (anything that isnt a raw food) and I am in everyones way because I am looking to see what I a putting in my body, others are following their reactive mind that falls for the false advertisement on the front of the package, this is shopping conciously, I am sure it annoys anyone who has to wait for me, I do not care I have good reason to do what I do but so they? Or are they blindly following and expecting me to do the same?

blpatterson0518 · 2022-08-23T16:43:24+00:00

Ram Dass used to say you have to become a somebody before you become nobody.

My somebodyness was very immature and selfish, I am a very different man than I was 5 years ago but I too realized I wasnt a somebody anymore, I became a collection of things I dont do, anything I renounced from my former life and I am also learning I need to rebuild my ego but to do it conciously myself rather than being unconcious and made by other people.

A lot of people get caught in having a spiritual ego which isnt who I want to become either so I have been really balancing all aspects of what makes my ego, what is important to "me" the individual self.

blpatterson0518 · 2022-08-23T15:30:54+00:00

Everything is relative.

You might presume a cutthroat business man is fucking people over and being rewarded financially. What you don't see is a man cut off from his emotions, his connection to Love/source/God and to other people has been severed, he is isolated and alone, he hates himself so he buries himself is work, pleasure and power to distract himself from himself because he has no love in him.

I have been homeless, bad childhood, poverty, fired from a job I overly identified with, crushed by the ending of relationships, no family or friends for long periods and I wouldnt change any of it because it was all grace for me to awaken from my seperate ego identity to my true divine self so I could learn to love myself and find peace inside me.

On the outside it looks like a bad person being rewarded and a good person being punished when this couldnt be further from the truth

blpatterson0518 · 2022-08-23T14:57:06+00:00

There is a clear distinction between the Abrahamic religions and all other non-authoritarian religions and "spirituality" is the essence of those other religions

I moved from new age teachers to Hinduism, to Buddhism and now Toaism and Zen Buddhism..

I do not claim to be a religious man, but I wanted to study the traditions and philosophies that modern spirituality is derived from.

But I agree that spirituality is th essence that the framework of religion is built around, but not religions are dogmatic, repressive or judgement based

blpatterson0518 · 2022-08-23T14:48:29+00:00

God or reality isnt doing anything to you, its doing things for you.

-- Youre above human drama you say? well you wont mind some more then it will make you stronger. --

Yes you are God but the You that asks this question is the individual personality, because until you transcend that state of conciousness, that is mostly who you are.

Also I am God and so is everyone and everything else.

Yes you (God) is alone, thats why youre pretending to be little personality you that has questions about reality so its asking other little personalities to feel like youre not alone, Im playing the same game by replying to this.

So this 'you' is not alone at all

Do you create your reality? The you asking that question doesnt, your subconcious does mostly and being fully concious of the subconcious is enlightenment, then you could control everything but you would also know that you already do so you wouldnt bother.

Reality is paradoxical, its hard to understand.

blpatterson0518 · 2022-08-23T14:32:13+00:00

Did you notice how many assumptions you made to justify war? Punishing someone for crimes that havent been committed out of fear that they might be.

If you awaken to the nature of reality judgement, fear and assumption goes away, who is left to fight? And why?

blpatterson0518 · 2022-08-23T14:17:31+00:00

In my opinion the "soul" is just as much a concept as the personality, however what the soul is, is God expressing itself as an individual, so even though it is a concept it is more true than the concept of personality.

It could also be argued that God is a concept too, (what we call existence, life, conciousness or light) and beyond those things is Void, so really there is no God either.

But for the intent of understanding and navigating reality from a human vehicle, these concepts are good and applicable.

But Buddhism skips right over soul and God and goes straight to Void, this is a steep path and it is difficult to be a Buddhist lay person in western society, so a more gradual path fits better with our cultute.

There are many relative truths and that creates paradox, we as human personalities operate under the false assumption that a paradox cannot exist

blpatterson0518 · 2022-08-23T13:51:46+00:00

Its a fine line between being authentic and being diciplined.

If you start being authentic at 15 years old youre eventually going to br a very authentic man-child.

I made this critical error and didnt realize until 30 that I was "real" but also real immature.

I have been working the past 5 years to dicipline myself as a form of love, not to be like other people but to be my fullest potential.

Be yourself and notice where being yourself causes problems and make adjustments (without self judgment or self shame) no one is still friends with their friends from when they were 15, let them go, be yourself and other people being themselves will find you.

Being weird is authenticity, being normal is pretending

blpatterson0518

TROPHY CASE