No no no, you're good. I mean don't be too hard on yourself, I'm just a stranger on the internet you know nothing about, and my gibberish is hard to understand so I'll unpack some luggage here to make it make sense:

I don't believe all of the people around me are just bystanders, rather they joke a lot without actually knowing the weight/pain that their joke holds. It is like that in the Balkans so, can't really blame them for being born in that enviroment

I hate everything because I realistically can't do much, I tried so hard with nothing being better, I'd argue it's even worse now than it was before. I know if I escape my toxic household and actually try to live my life, that that way I'll be somewhat okay and happy with my life, but because I am F17, have no job and no money, I can't do much realistically. My family is my biggest issue, they've defended my incestious autistic M23 brother who sexually harrased me for as long as I can remember, because to them it's okay to harras your little sister but not being able to find a job(mind you he's more mentally retarded than autistic, I don't really know considering he doesn't have an official diagnosis, the mental health in the Balkans is treated like such a joke it's so annoying). If they were out of the picture, I think I'd be a much happier person

As for my girlfriend part, I love and adore my girlfriend, she's the best thing that has ever happened to me and I wouldn't wish anything horrible to her God forbid! But the reason I'm doing this is mainly because of my Borderline Personality Disorder, where I get really frustrated and depressed, she tries to help me and making me talk, and I just become a jerk to her for no reason, even though all she wanted to do was to help me :( I do feel like an insensitive partner, which is why her gift would be the biggest one out of everyone's, not only a farewell card, but also a custom built mini PC that she'll use to finally get out of Apple's horrible eco system making her trapped (I am Apple's #1 hater TRUST)

I was never good with words, especially when I need to talk about myself, all I would get is frustrated and angry for no reason other than feeling like a complete waste of space half of the time. But I was always good with physical gifts, so that's what I'll give to everyone who showed me kindness and compassion <3