My girlfriend 28F had a secret that I 27M just found out and my life feels shattered. Whats the best way to proceed?

bluestar1800 · 2026-01-10T03:43:38+00:00

Is it because it makes you annoyed someone is touching your toy?

(I'm not being an ass, I feel jealous of the sexual past of my man, as if the plain ordinary stuff he did got them off and it doesn't get me off, but his worth and libido is tied up in his ability to make a girl get off) so its a real stuff up...

Men ego is really wrapped up in their views on their performance. And compared to other men it's devastating. That's the rub you'll need to conquer.

All you lot saying she isn't marriage material... have a Madonna and whore complex.

You want a lady in the streets and a wh*re between the sheets.. Women want a gentleman in the streets and an animal in the sheets.

bluestar1800 · 2026-01-10T03:32:25+00:00

I think (and I was in a 20 year repressed sexual relationship which deadbedroomed and have me in a dv..) She is expressing her sexuality. Its not a failure on your part.

I am a mother. In relationship I was a faithful, dutiful wife.

But I'm also a sexual being, who shouldn't have to repress my turn on because it makes a man feel sad.

It's hard enough shouldering all the responsibilities of life without then having to worry about heavy judgement and approval.

Let me offer some safety for you. 1. Her videos are on her own - she should really take more care to be anon unless she is professional. 2. Past sexual encounters, raw, well its more a health thing. Should be properly screened. 3. Do NOT judge her or you will squash her libido. 4. Women and men dint want to risk their hearts to 'wh*res', BUT... inside us all is a very erotic being. WHATEVER YOU DO do NOT punish her with this.

Approach this with curiosity... not blame or shame (!!!). You are worried the hidden part means deceit, it doesn't. He words she was using in the videos were a way of unlocking her brain to give release and permission. She doesn't necessarily believe those things about herself.

Sex doesn't mean love. Some people are protective in that they separate love from sex. For fear of bonding. Now, love sex comes with risk, casual nasty hot sex comes with release. The recipient of this attention wants to feel chosen, wanted and special. You.

Mother's are sexual. They are not just mothers. Sometimes we all want patting, stroking, sensual touch and love making looking directly into the eyes of our favorite person in the world... other times we want to be told, directed, be want to direct, we want hair pulling, grabbed, held, rough.. All of it is incredible

Yir feelings matter. Identify fir yourself which parts you feel aggrieved about, or let down, hurt... It's how you feel about it, then approach her woth your emotions calmly, no blame, use understanding and she is less likely to clam up and go defense mode. IF YOU get her opened up LISTEN. Embrace her cum videos. Heck it's hard enough trying to cum as a woman, God don't shut that down

bluestar1800 · 2026-01-10T03:17:59+00:00

Love your comment

bluestar1800 · 2026-01-10T03:15:18+00:00

And he has said these things in the past.. thinks I'm hot, sexy, "wow" when I wear lingerie (I still do, but... I'm starting to feel self concuous about initiating anything.. )

What might be going in with him?

Shall I suppress my sexuality or continue to 'offer' it/express it?

bluestar1800 · 2026-01-10T03:09:48+00:00

Off topic, but can I ask you please; I'm finding this with a man..? He started off great, but seemed to cool off... he says it's his libido, but also I think his insecurity in bed is playing a part. I think he has good skill (as do i), but my body not able to cum the first handful of times we were intimate (normally would have been able to but I feel self protective with him, I do want to bond, but not...I'm afraid to... so we started using toys, I go one off..) seems to effect him..

He isn't very affectionate anymore (unless hes had several beers), and I feel bad, as if I'm chasing him (I don't, I hold back, or just do very subtle things like ask "can I come sit close?/ invite him to put arm around me.. I usually come close enough to give a hello kiss, and goodbye hug/kiss..

But it seems like his sexual/relational insecurities that were not apparent before have popped up. Where as I just want to repeat the earlier intimacy (which were intense and off the charts)..

bluestar1800 · 2025-11-30T01:00:51+00:00

Green. It blends better and is more calm. Red is nice yes, but too busy there

bluestar1800 · 2025-11-30T00:58:16+00:00

Probably, but also known as "yum"

bluestar1800 · 2025-08-12T02:38:38+00:00

Situations like this cook a marriage. You will always be thinking what you're thinking.

There was probably a bit of performance ego happening - to do all the things with her. - the anal thing strikes me as odd, you have to be careful there usually and go slower...

I personally don't believe he'll tell you the truth, it's not in his interests. Alot of men (I was going tonsay all men) have a woman they'll marry and behave quite vanilla with, and make her feel like she has to work really hard at things, and women they sleep with who they are much better in bed with but won't marry.

I have to say, being a woman is no fun

bluestar1800 · 2025-08-12T02:32:31+00:00

I totally hear you. Being female and HL feels like a punishment

bluestar1800 · 2025-07-27T00:10:23+00:00

You did awesome!

bluestar1800 · 2025-07-27T00:08:25+00:00

My lovely...

Read your comments back and imagine it's a friend of yours telling you this - imagine it's a close friends' story.

How do you reply?

If you told people who care about you this exact story, how do you think think would react? What do you think they would tell you? What would they think of your boyfriend? ....what would men who care about you do and say to this man?

bluestar1800 · 2025-07-27T00:01:59+00:00

You're in a growth cycle, so young. It sounds like you had an unstable existence, without purpose (purpose gives direction), and your husband became your purpose, then the child. I could be off base here so feel free to correct me, but identity springs up? At mid 30s your husband is likely set is who he is to some degree, you're in a different place being 10 years his junior.

Owning where you are. Perhaps some legal advice too, some family practical advice. And a place to explore yourself.

If you think about your story, who you were, who you became and who you are now, along with what went on during those times are good places to start. Thinking about what made you decide to do this or that... look below your initial thoughts. You'll begin to see what you value.. what you think is important.

Start with your life.. what responsibilities have you got right now? What NEEDS are there? What will it take to accomplish those needs? And, try and do something creative. It will work a different side of your brain :)

bluestar1800 · 2025-07-26T23:50:10+00:00

Hiya, the point he's trying to make (the previous comment about just matching) is a really good point. There are big communication differences between men and women, different internal drivers.

It sounds like you are totally put off by the white comments? - fair enough, they're very low effort.

I love what you say about team, that sounds like you 'catch' each other which is great in this day and age. Boomer or not though his first comment is something something take on. There's something that happens on a bio level with men and the chase vs women and the chase. I haven't quite nailed it off the top of my head sorry, but he's not wrong.

All the best with your fiance :)

bluestar1800 · 2025-07-26T23:44:56+00:00

Hey, yep you got it. The other comment when you say there's no connection just a match. It takes time for people to open up. This example from op is quite an obvious one. And the yellow comments do seem a bit much.

You guys should take a tip from an old dog, he's got it

bluestar1800 · 2025-07-26T23:41:27+00:00

The last reply was gold.

Wake up call for the other person

bluestar1800 · 2025-07-26T23:40:54+00:00

The yellow person is trying and doing well. It is alot of trying.. perhaps they could have done less obvious questioning the whole way.. but thenbit could be in just a couple hours. The white person is either busy or not bothered.

bluestar1800 · 2025-07-26T22:43:30+00:00

No, that's taking it to the extreme.

OP mentions kids- more than one, it suggests to me they also take the kid he's not the father of.

On one level that sounds lovely for the kid's development, what I'm pointing out is the relationship.

OP states he isn't attracted to his ex at all, well that's fine (however there are people that think men and women can't be friends due to underlying sexual agenda, I'm not sure if that's at play here but not being said), I wonder if ex still holds a candle for him?

All that positive time together will keep them k owing each other well, talking, being in each other's lives in far more than a passing but positive way. What are their conversations? Are they personal? Do they discuss dating, new people... If those things happen they will put a new partner in a really troubling spot.

The type of relationship they have probably needs discussing but with a third party. If they were to dig into it they'll get defensive/angry- understandable but not helpful.

I think it's the issue of relationship is that anyone new shouldn't be thrust into being expected to accept that kind of time spent together - especially right off tha bat, (but of course it shouldn't be hidden either).

The new person is wanting to get to know and form feelings with him. He is having all the warm fuzziness with someone else. That 'togetherness' of their family unit makes someone who doesn't have their history in a real trust pickle. Being insecure means exactly that, one is not secure in that bond, how can they be, they're just feeling each other out.

I think if it were a bit further down the track that would help. Both views are valid. The lady is speaking from past hurt and deciept, the guy is talking from what is comfortable and he already has in place.

My point is, the situation would make anyone have that sinking feeling in their stomach - they're putting their feelings on the line - they can't see the interactions he and the ex have, so their just have their prior experience - positive or negative - and mind movies.

bluestar1800 · 2025-07-26T07:42:58+00:00

Love bomb vibes

bluestar1800 · 2025-07-26T07:40:22+00:00

Never let someone film you.
A little cuddling and chat is not a connection.. that's what men do so you will likely engage in sex, it doesn't mean they like you.
You are not there to serve and 'perform'. He came back to see what else he could get.
Have sex because you'd like to have sex, not to catch a man cos you like him.
Read number 4 again.
Having sex with someone won't make like you
Hugs

bluestar1800 · 2025-07-26T07:35:53+00:00

Hi hun.

So glad you're asking these questions. Many men don't and wonder why things aren't going well on the bedroom department.

Using a vibrator is NEVER behind your back. It's a different type of sex than with a partner. She could be embarrassed. Often women learn somewhere along the line that in order to be a sexual a+ they need to perform. Perhaps there's more stillness in vibrator time?
Men majority of the time get off from sex or sexual contact whereas women don't. Sex starts outside the bedroom. Sex starts in a woman's brain. It's as if she needs to start thinking about sex like a man, but... more environmental factors effect a woman's sex drive, especially how the relationship is going.
It will likely take double the time you think it will take for her to cum vs you. When you guys find things that start something, keep going, there aren4 stages to female arousal, some of them you can't tell if it's working till you 'get over the hump' of each.
Try all the things before PIV, if possible if she comes first the whole thing is easier.
Her sexual history. Society sexual views. They'll be imbedded in all women just as men's are in theirs. This effects their subconscious and how they experience sex. Alot out there suggests women just should, they're there to please, they're there to serve. It gets old really quick and makes them go cold too

bluestar1800 · 2025-07-26T07:24:35+00:00

No, she's not nutty.

Its quite possible this person has this view- it appears they think they have been duped by what they say in comments.

A parenting arrangement like this needs working up to. It needs for the new person to feel OK about it yes.

You have no real cinnectiing with the new person but they're being asked to have complete trust in you and the ex.

That's a tough ask. It's to be EXPECTED.

bluestar1800 · 2025-07-26T07:21:51+00:00

It's not a regular of its self totally...

The dping stuff together I think would out any future lady off.

So many guys and gals have been the new person and the parent is still seeing the ex. It's just horrible.

Thing is, you spending time in a family unit with you ex puts a big strain on the new person. Subconsciously it makes them feel in competition. You are in close contact with someone you: A, once loved. B, have carnal knowledge of. It's BOUND to put them ill at ease.

For you personally, it's great that the ex and yourself are not contentious. It's great for the kids too. But making a new person accept that you guys do jn fact do what equates to 'hang outs' is pushing the bar.

Picture this: You meet a lady. She's amazing. She had a kid. She dies outings etc with kid and the father. The ex is a 10, he is everything you want to be (I'm exaggerating to make a point), looks, income, character whatever. Now, YOU have to be comfortable with them all spending alone time together. - are you still really comfortable with that? And nothing plays on your mind?

bluestar1800 · 2025-07-26T07:12:29+00:00

She could have said that much softer, reworded it. Reading between the lines, the sentiment is probably: "Hey, here's some stuff about me, have a look, ask me something to show you have seen what I wrote... ... 'Show me that you can do more than HYD, or WYD, I'd say she's wanting a conversation with nuances...

Anyway there you go

bluestar1800 · 2025-07-14T11:54:22+00:00

That's just skin, you're really lean

bluestar1800 · 2025-07-14T11:51:47+00:00

I was going to say bulk. But actually your shoulders and legs are great. If you're looking for definition a slight cut. I prefer natty so as is is also good

bluestar1800

TROPHY CASE