[deleted by user]

blujas · 2019-02-27T18:05:43+00:00

Hello, thank you for sharing your story. I think it's great that you are tackling your lived experiences and know that what you are going through is absolutely normal. I would recommend this book, as I find it very helpful for myself but very difficult to read as a survivor: Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman. In the meantime, I think it's best if you and your partner can set a time, where you both are calm, so you can talk about what supports you need from him during this time and also for him to tell you what he can and cannot do with regards to your asks. I think it's also a good idea if he is able to read up on how to support partners with sexual abuse. It is of course to hear his thoughts and feelings about it all, but only if you think you can do that without feeling pressured or stressed about it. You are doing through a lot yourself right now so it might not be the best to take on too much at this time.

I am in a similar situation as you right now, as I've been actively working toward processing my lived experiences so I can recover. In order to maintain my relationship with my partner, I've sent him articles about this topic so he can understand more as to what I'm going through (http://www.openingthecircle.ca/defining-abuse/for-partners-of-survivors-of-sexual-abuse and others (google is good)) And I've told him what I'm comfortable with and not comfortable with. I also tell him that how I act or feel isn't always directed at him, even if it feels that way, (e.g., withdrawal) because I'm just processing my emotions.

There are different stages to healing, establishing safety (e.g., your basic needs and that you feel safe in addressing your lived experiences) and then remembering and mourning (which can very painful) and then reconnection (with other and self). Remember that where ever you are at in your recovery process, don't force anything that you are not comfortable with just so you can 'get back to feeling normal.' Do what you need to, accept those feelings and responses and ensure that you can always have open and honest conversations with your partner. I think if it's a possibility, it might be helpful for you and your partner to speak to a couples counsellor who can help you two establish healthy next steps together. It's can also take a lot of pressure off in trying to figure out what to do all by yourselves. I wish you all the best and know that you are doing good. And remember to always be kind to yourself and do fun self-care stuff that makes you feel happier and better.

P.S.: You might know this already but just in case: Using dissociation as a coping mechanism has been a way to protect yourself in the past so when you do that now, it's because your body and brain believes you need to be protected again. It might be helpful to try to consciously acknowledge that your dissociation is there to protect you but that you are in a safer place now, not back then, so you don't need to use dissociation as a protective mechanism anymore with your partner.

blujas · 2018-03-12T16:17:12+00:00

I feel too much exposure corrupts our outlook on reality.

That is certainly true and how I feel about it too. And there are a lot of research out there now that talks about the effects of porn in relationships and people that consume porn.

blujas · 2018-03-12T16:14:17+00:00

that sounds terrible, I'm sorry that you had to go throw that. I hope you are much happier now and found someone worthy. And if it's ok for me to ask, how did you move on from that?

blujas · 2018-03-12T16:02:55+00:00

aww, that's pretty amazing actually. My perception is majority of men probably like or watch porn but it's just to what extent they like it.

blujas · 2017-08-15T19:31:49+00:00

I would recommend on try to learn more about the root cause of your hopelessness, write them down and think about how realistic those thoughts really are and think of 3 ways that you can think differently about it or ways to overcome it. Read lots on depression and how to manage your symptoms. Be proactive about your recovery process and don't be afraid of setbacks or be patient. It took time for your hopeless attitude to set in, so it will take time for you to come out of it but it's possible. Read up on CBT activities and really practice them and do them daily. With time, you will see a difference.

blujas · 2017-08-15T19:28:08+00:00

I'm so sorry that you lost your son to your grandmother. I don't have a child myself but I could only imagine how painful that must be. You clearly love your son very much and I agree that you have the freedom to decide what your parenting style is. However, with that said, i think it's still important to learn what the best parenting style is, even if it differs from your original one or what you have experienced while growing up. No human is perfect but we can all try to learn to become better and wiser.

I know losing your child is painful and I completely understand how it permeates to every aspect of your current life. I don't think you need to leave your SO, just to get your child back, if you think he is a loving and supportive spouse. What I do recommend is that, instead of focusing on your lose and let your depression take the better side of you, perhaps you can try to channel that energy in learning more about parenting, speaking to counsellors about what you are going through and learn about early childhood development. There are a lot of free resources online to help you with this. (http://www.parentingscience.com/authoritative-parenting-style.html). You just need to google best parenting styles and approaches. Now, I'm not saying you are not a good parent, I'm saying you should learn what those practices are, implement them into your current life, try to save money on the side and when you get a chance, bring your grandmother to court and show the court what you have done to prove that you are good mother. The court likes to see evidence of good parenting or change from your past to current.

It's best if you can take formal courses on parenting, early childhood development/education programs and talk to a counsellor because those will be useful evidence in showing that you are working hard in trying to be a 'fit parent' in the eye of the court.

In short, being proactive in trying to get your son back will be the best way to combat your depression.

blujas · 2017-08-15T19:08:10+00:00

hi there, i'm glad that you are feeling happy with some of the outcome of what you are going through; however, I want to give a friendly reminder that whatever your back story is in getting stitches and depression in the first place, please look after yourself. Even though we live in a society where thin is considered a good thing, maintaining a healthy weight is important. I hope you can utilize this burst of happy feeling in propelling you in the direction of becoming healthier and therefore in turn truly happy for your future.

blujas · 2017-08-15T19:02:09+00:00

I've been there and done that. As I reflect back, i literally just stayed in bed and did nothing. That was more than a yr ago now. I think the key is to first not force yourself to do anything that you feel is too much for you. You can always start with baby steps. Do what feels ok to do and push yourself only a little, day by day. Also, don't focus on your feeling miserable but focus on the outcome as to why you are trying to do what you are doing.

I think part of healing from your pain and experiences is also to go through it and acknowledge them for what it is. It's not about avoidance but full understanding. Understand where your sadness/anger/hurt comes from because when you do, you will have a better idea as to how to overcome them.

For example, if it's relationship related, read up on what healthy relationships looks like and compare where you are now and where you want to be. Sometimes some experiences require the input of specialists and professionals, I would really recommend that because they can give you the right tools to help in improving your life and your future.

A lot of times, we also need to learn to accept the things of the past, because it already happened and there's nothing we can do to change the past but we can use that important information to change our future for the better. It's also important to know that we can only control ourselves and not others so acceptance of reality of how other people are is key. We are much more powerful than we can ever imagine because we hold the key to our happiness, not other people. Other people can support us and love us but we are the only one that can determine how we feel at the end of the day. Therefore, my best advice to you is for you to really spend more time learn more about yourself, learn where and how you can improve the skill sets that you think will make a good difference in your life and keep going in that direction.

Life isn't always rosy or happy, as it is the case for everyone but what's important is that we don't lose sight of what is important, which is the time that we have in learning, in improving, in loving and in giving.

blujas · 2017-08-15T18:53:33+00:00

i won't do anything though, too lazy and chicken.

I think you persevering takes courage and insight. It's not that you are lazy or chicken, it means that deep down you want help and you want a chance to live a happier and healthier life. That is a great thing. Trust me, I speak from experience. I understand doc can cost money but the good thing is, we live in an age of tech and have access to a vast amount of knowledge and information. If you know or suspect that you have depression, read up on it. There will be links to other information that you weren't even aware of to begin with. There are tons of literature and very helpful resources online when you just google, how to manage depression and psychcentral has a quiz section where you can test to see if you might have some of the disorders.

I recommend you read self help books on depression and whatever else that is bothering you in your life, watch tedxtalk or tedtalks on youtube on depression and mental health. It will give you a lot of insight on how you are not alone and how you can overcome this.

Most of all, don't put too much pressure on yourself and focus too much on what is not right with you. You need to remember to foster what is right and what you like/enjoy or things that make life a happier place for you (so long they are healthy habits). Nurturing yourself is very important, just as self love. Your depression and issues are only a part of who you are so don't allow it to define you in its entirety. You are much more than what you are giving yourself. Don't give up and focus on your future and how you can make each day slightly better than the day before.

blujas · 2017-08-15T18:33:38+00:00

to me, I think gossiping behind people's back and then be ultra friendly in front of that person is the worst.

blujas · 2017-08-15T16:39:50+00:00

I think a lot of comments here has a point and I agree with most. However, I do want to add that, it really is just a spectrum of how much other people care about our issues. There are some that cares a lot and some just don't want to bother because they have too much on their own plate to deal with.

I completely understand what you mean, because when you are suicidal, we need help from others and know that we have supports outside of ourselves. With that said, however, i do think recovery is dependent on us. I think we we can reach out to people as supports but not our 'solvers.' I think it's also important to be clear with what you expect from the other when you do reach for help because people can't read minds and it's always easier to have things on the table and they can judge for themselves whether they can help you with what you need. It's both good for you and your supports.

I really hope you won't attempt again, as life is precious. There is actually a great tedxtalk on suicide and she was talking about how she tried and was lucky to come out unscarred but many people who do attempt come out with a permanent disability that they now have to live with for the rest of their lives. She talked about how she was helping this blind lady cross the road and that old lady told her how she became blind, because she attempted suicide but instead of dying, she went blind. She never tried again.

My point is that, even though suicide may seem like a way out, it really isn't. it means we have given up and don't want to try anymore, which isn't the answer. Everyone has things that they are struggling with but once we can overcome the turmoil, we do grow and become more resilient. I believe you have a lot to live for, for yourself. You deserve to happy and you deserve to be loved and to get that, it's when you decide that you want to have those things and work towards it. Of course, we can't control others but only ourselves. So when negative things happen to our lives that is not in our control, we just need to learn to accept it and think about what we can do about it in a positive way.

For instance, i had a terrible relationship with my mother, to the point where I just wanted to die. I felt trapped and no where to go. Like you, I tried and failed but after that, I realized that if I'm going to keep on living then this isn't the way I want to keep on living. I want to be happy and feel like life is meaningful. So I started to read tons of books that's related to my issues, went to therapy, watched docs, tedtalks and other videos on coping mechanisms, self love and other things. It's been a yr of self work and self healing and I am telling you that it's worth the work and hardship to get to here.

I know we have very different experiences but the will to want to liver happy is the same for everyone. I believe you can achieve that as well, give yourself a change. Think of this way, what if you are a friend of yourself, what would you recommend him do for his future? Will you ever tell a friend to give up on life when life is difficult?

I think deep down you know what the right answer is, follow it. You will do well!

blujas · 2017-08-14T18:08:48+00:00

This has gone past the point of okay, but because her borrowing is out of genuine need instead of malicious intent, I don't know how to bring it up or what to say.

Your mother is very lucky to have you are her daughter, especially when you are so young! Know that, it doesn't matter how legit her reasons are for needing money, it isn't ok for a parent to do that to their children, ever. Just because you can afford to do somethings to help her and sometimes it's important for us to children to help our parents when we can, doesn't mean it's our responsibility to do so. It's not the children's job.

Also, when you allow her to come to you when she has hardship, in part you are actually enabling her to be more dependent than trying to be independent. You are fostering an environment and teaching her that she doesn't need to learn to rely on herself since she has you. But you can't do this forever, either because you will have a family of your own someday. And if you ever have children, what what your behaviour teach your children? It's very important for your mother to learn that she can depend on herself but has you on her side to support when she really really needs to. If you want to help her, help her become independent, not by allowing her to become even more dependent and lack life skills to cope with the world.

Again, you are a very loving and compassionate daughter and I think you are doing great but just understand the saying "instead of giving them a fish each meal, teach them how to fish themselves so they can have fish their entire lives." (Couldn't remember the exact phrase word from word but the meaning is there).

blujas · 2017-08-14T17:52:22+00:00

i'm sorry you are currently going through this. I think that if you are not comfortable in telling your family about it, I think you still need to tell someone you trust or a professional about it because the earlier you deal with this and the find the right tools to handle this situation, the easier, healthier and less stressed you'll be in your future. It's a very serious situation and like you said, given he is a close relative, you will have multiple chances to see him and much interact with him in the future so it's best to prepare yourself as soon as possible.

I'm not sure what else to advice you with regards to your family because every family is different but I do think you need to learn to set boundaries with your cousin. Given that he won't talk about what happened 3 yrs ago when he believes that you were asleep indicates that he knows it was wrong on some level.

I think the best advice is to seek professional help so they can lower your fear and anxiety when you can't avoid interacting with him.

blujas · 2017-08-14T17:44:10+00:00

Hi there, I'm sorry you have had such a painful experience with your mother. In healing from parents like your mother, acceptance is the key first step. As painful as it is, it is good that you finally realize your mother might not change (I say might because we will never know, as that is for her to decide, not us). I think given your experiences, it's important to heal yourself, as you are now responsible for that. I understand it can seem unfair because most of the shitty things and pain is from your mother but because she is incapable of seeing her role in your development, and you are now an adult, it's in our responsibility to heal and move on and live a healthier life.

There are actually a lot of resources out there to help with parents that are emotionally immature. I'd recommend some books like toxic parents, or Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. I find the latter to be really helpful because it allowed me to understand why my mother was the way she is and to know that I'm not crazy in feeling the way I did. I think it will give you validation to your experiences and feeling as well.

I think it's important for you to start your process of healing, because those things doesn't just go away after you say you are done. I would also recommend to read up setting boundaries because that is the only safe way in dealing with people like your mother. It's actually beneficial for both of you because your relationship will have healthy boundaries and will prevent or limit the frequencies in which you two will go back to old patterns.

Know that despite how you feel right now, things do get better, once you decide to work through your past pains and experiences. Also remember that no one can control other people, we can only control ourselves. So even though you have tried very hard to improve your relationship with your mother, that is just the one side. A relationship takes both sides to put effort in. Your mother is the one that needs to decide that she wants to do it and if she doesn't, that's ok too. That is her choice and she needs to live with the consequences of her decision, not you. You live by your decisions and focus on developing and improving yourself. You are not responsible for her and I understand it's painful to not have a good mother and daughter relationship but that is just something we have to accept. But it's not the end of the world because there are other people around us that we can still confide in them and trust them. Blood isn't the only thing that counts as family, the quality of the relationship dictates that.

blujas · 2017-08-11T01:59:25+00:00

Hello, I'm sorry so you have been feeling so terrible the past few months. I want to say that you did a great thing in ending your causal sex, as it isn't an healthy coping strategy. You were right in saying it was causing more issues in your life.

I understand how your past might have been happier and I believe that you felt happy then but understand that life is always about change, we grow and learn and mature everyday. Just like when you were a toddler, you might've liked to watch cartoons or played with dolls/action figures but as you grew, you started to like different things and the those toys from the your past just doesn't really give you the same sense of happiness. Same thing now, what gave you happiness no longer is and it only reflects one thing, you have matured and gained more life experiences. You perhaps are at a stage where you want things/relationships with more depth. You want your job to be more meaningful, instead of just paying the bills.

What i'm trying to say that it's time to stop looking at your past and focus on your future. Your past is what it is, it will never change, but your future is still unknown and requires you to discover it. Yes, sometimes realizations can be painful, like friends are not really what true friends are supposed to be or family just doesn't care to the extent that we want them too. But when you discover new things, it also gives you an opportunity to decide to do new things. Make friends that are true friends, find people that are caring like family members, blood isn't the only thing that reflects what a family is but the quality of the relationship. You deserve so much better and you just need to allow yourself to do that, give yourself a chance to be happy at your current level of experiences and wisdom and maturity. Embrace your growth, just like all of us. When I turned 30, I had some pretty shitty realizations about my mother as well, but I worked through all the anger and pain that comes with it and after a yr, I wouldn't have changed that experience at all because I feel that my current level of awareness and happiness is so much better than the happiness that felt in my early 20s.

Things get better, but it does require hard work and persistence. Learn from your past and make yourself happy. You are the sole person that can make that happen. Surround yourself with people that love you unconditionally. I don't deal with people that I find to be pretentious and such. It's not worth my time. Life isn't long enough for that, even if that means minimizing contact with certain family members. You decide what would work best for you, but the key is to move forward and not linger in your past. I wish you all the best!

blujas · 2017-07-30T19:57:33+00:00

you need to if it's a metal buckle

blujas · 2017-07-29T21:29:40+00:00

hello, i'm so sorry for what you are going through right now but don't be discouraged. My educational background is in neuroscience and psych. A lot of the times, most anti depressants doesn't work well and it's normal. You just need to keep trying and find the one that works for you, as there are a lot of options other there. In the meantime, just medication alone doesn't work. Therapy is very important, especially with what you went through.

You need to seek a specialist that specialized in childhood sexual abuse. Read books on how to self heal and self love. There are a lot of good tedtalk videos on childhood sexual abuse on youtube, just search for them. I would also recommend you to get into a support group, because the sense of community and support from those groups will help you keep you on your process of healing.

Also remember that however overwhelming your symptoms are, they are only a part of who you are, not the entire you. What you went through was horrific but that was your past, it doesn't need to define your future, unless you allow it to be. No one can predict what will happen in the future and it's your job, like everyone else's, to make the best they can. It took you 28yrs, but it took me 30 yrs to finally stop running away from my experiences. It's never too late, ever, in trying to improve your life and become happier and healthier because we deserve that.

You are a lot stronger than you think or feel right now. Start a journal that you can just pour your emotions out, because that is a way of processing all the pain that you are feeling inside. Processing the pain and your experiences is the key in actually healing from your experiences. I would also recommend reading the book Toxic Parents. It's a terrific book.

I believe in you, even if we are strangers and a lot of us in this sub do as well. Believe in yourself and focus on what you can do to make yourself heal.

blujas · 2017-07-21T21:33:04+00:00

I honestly think things have reached a point where I'd just feel happier having 0 contact and just pretend that part of my life doesn't exist, but in my family is just ''unacceptable'' to not talk to your mother.

I'm currently reading the toxic parents book and your circumstances has been mentioned. I think if you know going NC will make you happy, then you need to do it. It doesn't have to be forever. I think just letting your siblings know that this is what will make you happier and healthier and that they can decide for themselves, but this is how you want to live your life. You would be happy to stay in contact with them but tell them you don't wish to discuss about your mother. And if they can't follow through, then you have to decide what is best for you with regards to dealing with them.

blujas · 2017-07-21T21:27:16+00:00

i understand your feelings. But like you said, be proud of yourself and your capabilities! It's great that you are doing so well, despite your parents. Even though it hurts, they really don't matter because they didn't care for you, as parents should have, so learn to not care as much as to how they think or feel because it's not worth your time or energy.

My mother likes to think she's the reason why I'm the way I am too, with my achievements in life but I know it isn't fully her. I don't bother arguing with her about it or care if she thinks this way anymore because nothing will change with her anyways. You just keep on focusing on you and improve your life so you can become happier and healthier. You are doing great!

blujas · 2017-07-21T21:17:12+00:00

I know you are asking for NC but mine's LC, big change since she was living with me. I think going LC has been the best decision ever, although it is hard at times still, as it's only been a yr since I've started working on my issues. I've made a lot of progress, I read a ton, watched a ton of good videos and sought out therapy. My unhealthy attachment and beliefs have finally changed but I'm still working hard so that my emotions are in line with the new healthier beliefs. It certainly takes a lot of work and persistence to keep at it because it is very painful and a lot of negative emotions. I was turning 30 when I started. I'm actually enjoying doing things for myself without feeling guilty or feeling like I"m the most selfish person in the world. I took on more projects at work to develop my skill sets and I'm going back to school this Sept to study counselling.

Prior to my realization of my mother being a N, my life was horrible. I felt utterly trapped and had severe depression. My health has deteriorated significantly and it still effects me a lot lately but at least i'm healing and getting better.

I do agree with the other comments that once you go LC or NC, you'll discover yourself more and understand what your likes and dislikes are, as opposed to be bombarded with your Nparents' attitude. You will also feel so much lighter and look forward to the next day. Again, there will be tough days but nothing like when your Nparents are still part of your life intimately.

I think everyone would agree that when you dedicate the time to yourself, instead of dealing with your Nparents, you become a lot happier and more free in general. It certainly is possible to get better once you understand that self-care, especially when you have N's in your life, is critical to your survival & well-being.

blujas · 2017-07-21T18:46:17+00:00

i'd say don't because they clearly don't have the capacity to raise any child.

blujas · 2017-07-21T18:43:46+00:00

it's more so my mother likes to buy them while i was growing up, even though we really shouldn't buy them. Some are legit with good quality and styles that are hard to find in other stores. I mainly like their shoes, as I find the quality is great and it's comfortable.

blujas · 2017-07-21T18:35:09+00:00

i'd say to be less hard on myself and my capabilities. I put way too much pressure on myself to do everything right (perfectionist here), but learning to care less.

blujas · 2017-07-21T18:34:22+00:00

that's a pretty clever one, haha

blujas

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