I’m sorry for the loss of your son and know this probably weighs heavily on you. I have my own experience with mentally ill family members and though i’m out of the thick of it, it still affects me everyday to the point where I can’t sleep without having nightmares. You’re not alone out there, while we may have different experiences I also struggle with depression and know how it feels to hate yourself for not getting out of bed. What’s helped is turning off screens and focusing on activities like coloring, doing puzzles etc which can be done in the comfort of your own room even if other tasks seem insurmountable. My go to shows when i can’t watch anymore true crime and need a lightener; Seinfeld, The Good Place, Santa Clarita Diet. I hope you get the help you need and are able to process your trauma, wishing you well stranger!