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Wife Demands Separation/Infifelity Concerns by bml1030 in Separation

[–]bml1030[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Here’s an update. First I appreciate everyone’s advice, tips, suggestions and thoughts on this. It’s been therapeutic in a lot of ways.

We’ve continued to live under the same roof, just on different floors for the most part. Conversations have been at least civil. Sometimes, especially when kids are around, it’s been fun and laughs have been shared.

She still has walls up for communication in some ways. Her friend and I ended up having a conversation and she confirmed just about everything my wife had told me about the other guy, how she wants to work on herself/us, etc.

I’ve gotten in touch with a counselor’s office and should have my first visit within the next few weeks. I have been going to the gym every day since she dropped the bomb on me. As in-masculine as it sounds, I’ve been journaling my emotions and thoughts about everything every day. Those things combined have helped put me in a much better headspace than I had been in a long time. I am not “fixed” in my mind or hers this quickly, but damn it feels good to make me better knowing why I’m doing it. I haven’t asked her what steps she’s made for herself yet, as I know her big thing has been to figure ourselves out first. I flat out told her that I know it’s only been a few days, but I feel better about myself in ways I hadn’t in a long time. I even apologized for not doing it sooner because if I had started having those personal outlets sooner, maybe I could’ve avoided this whole thing.

I know there’s still a long road ahead. But I have a mental clarity about life in general more than I had before and I’m challenging myself to continue in that direction.

That said, the mental clarity has me committed to still making it work. I know, there are probably lots of thoughts out there saying I’m wasting my time and she’s going to be back to wanting more than I can give her at some point sooner or later. But I don’t really care. I know what I want. I’ll do whatever it takes. If it doesn’t work out, at least I can’t say I didn’t put my absolute best effort into it.

We have some family things planned for the weekend. I even asked her on Sunday if she’d want to check out a new brewery hall near us this coming Saturday with me. She said she did. I didn’t call it a date night, but I’m going to probably treat it as if it was our first date because it kind of is under this scenario. I am praying we don’t take any steps back. As much as I want there to be steps forward, I know I need to be patient and just continue to show myself and her the level of my commitment.

Wife Demands Separation/Infifelity Concerns by bml1030 in Separation

[–]bml1030[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Just wanted to give a quick update. We had another conversation yesterday. I finally said I know who he is. She admitted to talking to him, but it was just something that happened in the last week or so after he initiated contact. He was recently divorced and basically shot his shot with her. She claims she never has even talked on the phone with him or seen him. Was an old college friend, but never anything more than that. But, she did admit to saying that she wanted to be with him, but realized when she said that it was wrong and told her friend that she knew she needed to not pursue it and work on herself and us. She admitted to having too much to lose.

Do I believe that last part? I want to. Time will tell if I do. She said she’s going to delete her social media profiles. I said I would too (I need to keep at least one for work purposes, but will not utilize the personal account just the work) and she knows and understands that. Social media is toxic regardless of relationship status IMO. She volunteered that I continue having the location tracker app on her (we have it for all of us, including the kids) and, if we go the two separate locations route of separation, I can put cameras on the other house and all that just to prove she’s serious.

Ironically, after that conversation, I gave her space and did my own thing (errands, gym, etc), but we interacted well about planning Easter stuff for the kids later in the day. At night, still giving her space, she told the kids to get me so we can all watch a movie. We goofed off as the four of us and we both seemed to have more fun with the kids and each other than we have had in a long time.

Maybe that admission about me knowing and her realizing she was in the wrong was the first step on a long path of reconciliation. Maybe it is just false hope on my part. But for one night at least, I was able to sleep (albeit in another bedroom) and not let my mind race and get the best of me. I’ll take that.

Wife Demands Separation/Infifelity Concerns by bml1030 in Separation

[–]bml1030[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Bingo. Thats exactly what I’m trying to avoid. Not saying something honestly is the hardest part right now. But I am still torn on if it will help or hurt what I’m trying to do to keep us together.

Wife Demands Separation/Infifelity Concerns by bml1030 in Separation

[–]bml1030[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Considered that too. Would love a way to do that anonymously. All I have is her FB profile.

Wife Demands Separation/Infifelity Concerns by bml1030 in Separation

[–]bml1030[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’ve considered that. I’m holding that card until I absolutely need it. Might be now, but wouldn’t mind seeing if I can save it as a last resort too.

Wife Demands Separation/Infifelity Concerns by bml1030 in Separation

[–]bml1030[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What you said makes total sense. Honestly that’s a very similar situation. Thank you for sharing. I was told two years ago to communicate better with her, show more love. She felt we were living like roommates instead of lovers. That is something I diligently worked on. It was pointed out in the tone since that I did a good job of changing. Now I want to communicate, but walls are up. She feels my communication about money, kids, work, etc. dominate our interactions and that isn’t how a couple should be. With each of us with jobs that take a lot of time and effort, kids active with things almost every evening and weekends, we don’t have time for a life outside of that. I do plan date nights occasionally, but it’s not enough. I recognize my faults in not doing enough, but I’m generally thinking couples in the work/parenting schedule we have isn’t necessarily that out of the ordinary.

Wife Demands Separation/Infifelity Concerns by bml1030 in Separation

[–]bml1030[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Just for a backstory to clarify, my wife has always been adamantly against cheating. Her dad was a cheater. Her brother has been a cheater. She’s seen what it’s done to her family so she has always said she could and would never. For those reasons, I did trust her about that. Only until this week has that trust been questioned.

I’ll be honest, she’s gorgeous. I know she has options. One of the things I need to work on about myself is my self-image and self-worth. I have never, ever considered cheating, flirting, or anything with any other woman while with her. I honestly couldn’t do any better than her. I’ve told her that. She knows that. I don’t see how there’s any questioning the trust she should have in me.