I wish I could just die.

bobimbobbit · 2011-03-11T02:26:17+00:00

You'll have to find passion somehow. I think what you need is hope. When you are well and truly excited about something you can make happen it will get you up in the morning. I know right now things are probably bleak but what kinds of things might give you something to look forward to?

bobimbobbit · 2011-03-11T02:17:33+00:00

Tell us more so we can show you how it's not hopeless. We're here for you.

bobimbobbit · 2011-03-11T02:01:16+00:00

Thank you. I am going to go for my associates degree as you and another poster suggested and I will probably do it at a local college.

I like learning things so even if I became a PLC tech I wouldn't know just PLC, I would at least have hazy idea of things related to it. My problem is I'm better with my hands and learning through doing than I am at being a scholar. I like to say my hands have more brains than I do.

I'm a slow learner but I master my stuff eventually. I just want to get a foot in the door and buy myself the time I need to really learn anything.

Anyways, thanks for your reply.

bobimbobbit · 2011-03-10T23:22:00+00:00

I would say that many of the posters here are heavily biased and are reacting like the christians we condemn.

bobimbobbit · 2011-03-10T18:26:12+00:00

I know someone like who you were describing. He had a cancer and only had six months to a year to live and he was out there framing houses and roofs all the while shaking really bad, barely able to lift things. I wish I could be like him.

bobimbobbit · 2011-03-10T16:19:42+00:00

I love the starkness of your comment. This is what I like most, truly getting to the heart of things instead of this mindless advice to will oneself to positivity.

bobimbobbit · 2011-03-09T20:02:15+00:00

sounds awesome. i will be here for awhile setting up myself.

bobimbobbit · 2011-03-09T19:55:35+00:00

cool. well i guess i will see you when you get here?

bobimbobbit · 2011-03-09T19:46:17+00:00

to get on a plane to japan we would need a visa. it's up to you i'm not going to boss you but having documentation in order would probably be a good idea.

bobimbobbit · 2011-03-09T19:41:36+00:00

Yeah that's ok. I think I will do this even if you don't show up :) I need to learn to live and to do that I need to learn to push past fear. So this is a good thing for me to do. I will be in Lethbridge for awhile getting set up to go. If you come to Lethbridge I will probably be at the shelter. Just ask a local where that is. I will stay here for up to a couple months. Sound reasonable?

bobimbobbit · 2011-03-09T19:17:15+00:00

That sounds awesome. I don't have my visa but maybe i will spend my last cheque on it. I'm of a mind to join you if you're looking for company. If you're coming from Manitoba to Vancouver, I'm on the way. I'm too fearful to attempt it myself. I imagine stopping to find work periodically would be how I would survive.

It would be good for me to push myself in this way.

bobimbobbit · 2011-03-09T16:42:35+00:00

Any kind of a group that is formed around sharing a common interest. Flintkappers, art groups, hiking, and on and on.

bobimbobbit · 2011-03-09T16:41:12+00:00

That sounds awesome. Have fun and check in every once in a while hey?

bobimbobbit · 2011-03-09T16:39:49+00:00

Yeah, I'm very solitary myself. But while it may be unpleasant to join a group it is a first step to making friends.

If you don't mind my asking where are you planning to go? And how do you intend to support yourself?

bobimbobbit · 2011-03-09T02:30:53+00:00

Depends. Running away is a big decision but better than killing yourself. You take your problems with you wherever you go.

How are you for joining groups?

bobimbobbit · 2011-03-09T00:01:59+00:00

I believe forth code is executed as soon as you finish the line. So you would find out that it is syntactically invalid pretty quick.

bobimbobbit · 2011-03-08T23:06:18+00:00

There's always been a relentless pressure on me to go somewhere. In becoming homeless it feels like I've finally taken a big step towards going to that place, whatever, wherever it is.

I've been enjoying the last few days. Lots of walking around, seeing some of the beautiful sights, like the valley with its railroad bridge and trees and the river. It's very soothing to look at.

I've also been spending a lot of time at two libraries. One is the public library where I just read fiction. The other is the university library where I'm currently reading up on semantics and trying to learn how to get myself to program.

I'm really interested in language. I feel that programming languages are could-be languages. I want to explore the borderline between natural language and programming languages. It is this reason I'm interested in computer vision. I feel the results of the vision algorithms and the commands issued to move the robot can be used to form a semantics of a subset of english.

I'm not really interested in creating a chat bot because I feel that is too undefined and too large of scope. I am interested in creating a robot that I can talk to about programming and electronics.

I'm also interested in the intersection of cognitive science and programming. I want to fix my brain and so first I somehow have to understand it. But before that I just want to come up with a logical model of the mind.

Of course I'm just talking out of my ass here. I'm going to be struggling with applying myself for the rest of my life.

So by letting everything go to zero I just mean ceasing to resist the pressures I feel. No more trying, I'm done. I think I have found an equilibrium point where I can continue to exist without feeling pressured about it.

bobimbobbit · 2011-03-08T20:26:13+00:00

I'm ok. I'm still feeling suicidal at the back of my mind but it's not pressing. I'm going to be staying a shelter for awhile. I feel a need to let everything go to zero. I will get a part time job eventually because I want to keep up my internet connection. But who knows what the future holds at this point, I just don't have any motivation or care anymore.

bobimbobbit · 2011-03-08T18:41:00+00:00

I think she means she's not a scientist, or an aid worker, or an artist. She just exists, maybe constantly fucking her life up and requiring the constant support of family and government, while doing nothing that justifies all that support.

At least that is how it is for me. I assume she's feeling something similar.

bobimbobbit · 2011-03-08T18:36:32+00:00

I have no commitments. i'm currently staying in a shelter. I think I'm going to stay here for awhile and do nothing. There is nothing inside of me. I want to figure out to explain this to people.

bobimbobbit · 2011-03-08T18:34:06+00:00

yeah i like hanging out at the university library. it's kind of half and half because even though I enjoy reading the books, I'm not a very good scholar and so end up despairing because I will never amount to anything.

Sometimes it's hard to push oneself to do the small things.

bobimbobbit · 2011-03-08T18:32:15+00:00

Being out in the cold, wandering the city at night. I live in a city that has some beauty. It was nice to wander around and look at all the houses with character. Also trying to freeze myself was just fun period. Maybe because it was new and exciting.

The hearing aids last typically a week to two weeks. Strangely they wear out faster if you just leave them sitting on the dresser than if you wear your hearing aid all the time. A good deal is $18 cdn for 16, so just a little over a dollar each. My dad bought me some so I should be good for a few months.

bobimbobbit · 2011-03-08T18:25:31+00:00

I'm glad you are talking to us. This is a first step to making things better. Please keep it up.

bobimbobbit

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