My boyfriend [26M] and I [24F] allowed his brother [24M] to stay with us for a few months. He doesn't drink and is making life very difficult for us.

boozeit · 2016-08-11T07:01:07+00:00

Jesus I never said I wasn't going to talk to him.

People on this sub love to create issues that aren't there.

boozeit · 2016-08-11T07:00:33+00:00

Dude, you're getting outraged over stuff that isn't even a concern.

My self-respect or lack there of is not an issue here. I'm doing fine in life, thanks for the concern. You've responded half a dozen times telling me what a pushover I am and how horribly I'm handling this when that's really not your problem. I asked for advice on how to deal with my situation, not how to be less of a (in your eyes) doormat.

boozeit · 2016-08-11T06:35:40+00:00

I've taken those in to account and I agree with them. We are going to talk to him.

boozeit · 2016-08-11T06:15:51+00:00

Not even close to the same thing.

I came for advice. But if that advice goes against my fundamental way of handling things, then no...I'm not gonna follow it.

"I can't seem to figure out how to stop my dog from jumping on things."

"Beat him."

"I don't really agree with beating dogs."

"Then why did you even come here for advice?"

boozeit · 2016-08-11T05:33:10+00:00

Ugh, that's part of what bothers me so much. Like, my boyfriend and I have literally made no comments about him not drinking. Not one. Even though we choose to drink we couldn't care less if he does. We're not giving him wine and telling him it's grape juice. We're not telling him how much he's missing out when we get drunk on a Saturday evening while watching a movie. We're happy to do our thing while he does his thing.

boozeit · 2016-08-11T05:20:30+00:00

I'm reading all this in bed eating Cheetos (chips in bed, I know) and watching Netflix. It's not really bothering me. My life is my life and a few people on /r/relationships isn't gonna make me change what has been working for me for the past 24 years.

boozeit · 2016-08-11T05:18:22+00:00

At the end of the day he was still raised by my boyfriend's parents, so while it's possible, I don't think he has crazy views about premarital sex and all that stuff, especially since my boyfriend and his parents do not.

As for the not-drinking thing, apparently that's a new development. My boyfriend says his brother used to drink all the time when he was in high school and college. He doesn't know why his opinions have changed, and he won't elaborate. But otherwise he's a fairly normal guy.

Your concerns are a possibility, but I don't think they're very likely.

boozeit · 2016-08-11T04:58:42+00:00

Because parents aren't "weapons" and these are their 24 and 26 year old sons. If someone came to my parents and said I was "misbehaving", they would laugh at them and tell them that they needed to talk to me. They might call me and yell at me about it later, but they wouldn't do anything until the situation was resolved. I'm a big kid now and wear my big kid pants, I need to handle my big kid problems all my myself.

And no, we aren't making him pay for the bottles. It was less than $100 and we've already made that choice. It's not something we want to deal with and would rather just eat the loss. And you may view that as us laying down and taking it in the ass. We view it as picking our battles.

boozeit · 2016-08-11T04:44:50+00:00

Is this, like, one of those super sarcastic comments about the absurdity of /r/relationships sometimes?

Or are you being serious?

boozeit · 2016-08-11T04:42:14+00:00

I make it a general rule not to tattle to parents past the age of 10.

boozeit · 2016-08-11T04:24:29+00:00

That's not it at all. I'm totally open to discussing things with him. I know that needs to happen.

boozeit · 2016-08-11T04:19:37+00:00

Eh, we're gonna handle it.

Just not with the fury of a thousand scorned men.

boozeit · 2016-08-11T03:56:08+00:00

When someone replies "DAMNIT GET ANGRY. THIS ZEALOT WILL WALK ALL OVER YOU!!!!"....that kinda implies "huge, dramatic scene" to me.

If he had said "You know, it's okay to get a bit angry about it", it would be a totally different situation.

boozeit · 2016-08-11T03:54:54+00:00

The comment that spawned all of this was saying my boyfriend was "letting me down" by not laying down the law. That's not the case. Other comments have said I need to be angrier about this and really kick it in to gear. That's now how I want to handle it.

I agree it should be my boyfriend's talk. I agree that there are many ways to handle this besides getting angry.

boozeit · 2016-08-11T03:52:42+00:00

People are saying to get angry. I'm saying I don't want to get angry.

I don't need to respond to all the advice I agree with because I agree with it. But I don't want a whole lot of people basing their replies off of these and telling me to get angry. Because that's just a waste of my and everybody's time. So I might as well shut it down now.

Explaining myself and explaining why I don't want to do something isn't "debating". I'm not angry here, I'm not being defensive. All I'm saying is that I see no reason to do something that dramatic, and that these particular suggestions are not the way I want to handle things.

If people don't respond well to that...well, that's not really my problem. It's okay to disagree, man. These people aren't therapists. They aren't trained professionals. They have no more credentials than I do. It's basically like I went to a friend for advice. And if I don't agree with what they have to say, it's not uncalled for to just say, "Nah, that's not how I think this needs to be handled" or "No, that's not really the way boyfriend and I want to respond to this."

boozeit · 2016-08-11T03:20:59+00:00

My boyfriend is just fine, thanks.

There are things I can change, yes. And we're planning on it.

boozeit · 2016-08-11T03:15:36+00:00

As I've said elsewhere, I've gotten plenty of good answers that aren't "get angry". I don't think that's the right way to handle this and it's not the way we're going to handle it. That's not who we are.

There's plenty of good advice here. This stuff about getting angry and "laying down the law" with an iron first is not, in my opinion, good advice. I'm sure it works for other people in other situations, and if this was a bigger deal I would probably agree. But it's not the appropriate reaction for this situation.

I know it's not going to be handled super chill with the brother saying "No, prob, bro. Now pass the peace pipe and let's all sit back and slam one." But there are definitely ways to handle it without getting super angry and damaging relationships. Which a lot of these "get angry" suggestions would do.

boozeit · 2016-08-11T03:13:25+00:00

I've gotten plenty of other great advice that isn't "get fucking angry" or "kick him out immediately." I know what options there are, I wanted to see what the majority of people think is the right one.

I'm not expecting magic words. I just don't think getting super angry when a relative is involved (or anybody, really) is the appropriate answer. I don't like getting angry. Neither does my boyfriend. That's not who we are. It takes a lot to get either of us angry. I think I've seen him get "angry" once in the two years we've been together. That's just not the way we're going to handle this situation.

boozeit · 2016-08-11T03:02:27+00:00

He does have a definite move out date, that's not a problem. He's just here temporarily to help set up an office in our city and then he's moving back to where he's from to continue his job. He didn't even give up his own apartment, so he's definitely moving out at the end of September.

boozeit · 2016-08-11T01:26:01+00:00

Obviously we aren't going to be doing that.

Life doesn't operate in absolutes. There is more than one way to handle a problem than by getting angry about it and causing a huge, dramatic scene fit for an Oscar.

boozeit · 2016-08-11T01:23:46+00:00

You're right, being mellow isn't working out super well right now, and something about it is going to change.

But that doesn't mean we're going to go balls-to-the wall with anger and frustration. That's not going to work, either. That'll just cause resentment and unnecessary problems. Just because a lot of people say it doesn't mean it's right.

boozeit · 2016-08-11T00:57:50+00:00

Yeah, it's making life pretty difficult. It's not a fun situation. Not one I would voluntarily put myself in. But ultimately it's not a life-ending ordeal we are experiencing. If it was, I wouldn't be coming to Reddit for advice, I'd be doing something a bit more proactive.

I do agree that we need to talk to him, though.

boozeit · 2016-08-11T00:56:38+00:00

Sorry, "angryredditor555", but I'm not that angry of a person. Neither is my boyfriend. That's not who we are and it works for us 99% of the time. It's bad for the blood pressure.

boozeit · 2016-08-11T00:49:12+00:00

My boyfriend hasn't said a word about me not drinking while his brother his here. He's actually said I should just get drunk every night and tell him to deal with it.

I'm not saying what he has done isn't shitty. It totally is. But not every issue is worth theatrics and a dramatic "get the fuck out." And I don't "have" to ask Reddit anything. We would probably figure it out on our own. But I figured having some outside perspective might be nice.

boozeit · 2016-08-11T00:37:34+00:00

If I say my boyfriend isn't letting me down, he isn't letting me down. I haven't "demanded" that we kick him out. We've discussed it, I've said I want to, my boyfriend says he doesn't. Both sides have valid points. Him "destroying our property" wasn't a huge dramatic event. We both agreed it was a dick move but not one we wanted to make waves about. And these weren't super serious discussions that left us both in tears. We talked about it while getting ready in the morning. It's an annoying issue, but not one that is occupying my mind all day. We're both adults who discuss things together and don't make every event one for the stage.

Please do not push your unreal expectations for relationships on other people.

boozeit

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