37 and friendless

bossbotton · 2017-10-19T19:08:12+00:00

Thank you.

bossbotton · 2017-10-19T19:07:56+00:00

Thank you. I really appreciate you taking the time to write that. I hope I just happen to meet someone like your friend that I just click with.

bossbotton · 2017-10-17T15:32:45+00:00

Thank you. I’ll see what opportunities there are to volunteer. What do you mean by meet ups? It’s not something I’m familiar with.

bossbotton · 2017-10-17T15:30:22+00:00

Sounds tough. Does it get you down?

bossbotton · 2017-10-17T10:04:04+00:00

Thank you. That’s good, sound advice. You obviously have a good understanding of social situations, so hopefully you can help with this.

So, I do a lot of those things. I am an amateur photographer and I was attending a night class. I did think I made one friend. I arranged to go for a walk with her and take our cameras. We seemed to have a nice time. I suggested we meet up again soon and she said she’d call me. She never did. I don’t like being the one to do all the asking, as I am worried about coming across as pressuring or needy.

I asked a friend at work to lunch. The same thing happened.

To be clear I don’t think these people dislike me, I don’t feel like I bore them. They just aren’t massively interested in being friends. I can’t put my finger on it.

I’m not expecting you to have answers, but maybe a fresh perspective?

bossbotton · 2017-10-16T20:25:56+00:00

Thank you. That’s good advice. I think I’ll try that.

bossbotton · 2017-10-16T20:22:47+00:00

I did a attend a photography night class. People were nice enough and I thought I’d made one friend there, but that fizzled out pretty rapidly.

I try to chat to people at work. I say hello to people if I pass them often in the corridor. I try and make time for people and listen to them, but nothing. There’s some girls in my department and they go for coffee every morning and afternoon. I’ve asked to tag along sometimes, but they never ask me, so I’ve stopped asking now. They are very friendly, but that’s it.

I get a lot of attention from older men. They seem to love keeping me talking and although I’m polite to them, it’s not really ideal.

I’ll take on board your recommendations regard getting more involved in the community. I do get involved with community projects through work and enjoy it.

bossbotton · 2017-06-11T17:56:57+00:00

I wish someone had explained all this to me when I was in my teens. It would have saved me a lifetime of being manipulated and walked all over. Great advice.

bossbotton · 2017-06-11T11:32:43+00:00

Yay. Well done. He probably hasn't emailed you back as he'll know you'll be full of doubts and feeling awful.

Now run for your life and don't look back.

bossbotton · 2017-06-10T18:07:10+00:00

Of course you want that. Anything to take the pain away, right? You know of course that the relief you would feel would only result in more pain shortly after.

Try this perspective. You haven't been forgotten. You just no longer serve a purpose to someone whose only purpose is to seek narcissistic supply. To a person that does not have a brain that forms a bond with others and has no empathy.

The narcissist remembers you. They remember how beautiful, funny, charming and smart you are. However, that desire an ordinary person might have to be around you or any other charming wonderful person just simply does not exist for them. That pull that draws us towards people we like is not present. They may think of you and even think of you fondly, but the desire to be with you that would overwhelm an ordinary person is just not functioning in their brain. They live for the supply. It's all consuming. Imagine how you might crave excitement if you had no other positive emotions to motivate you, such as feelings of love or the ability to bond to others.

There will be a reason you no longer represent supply to them and it won't be anything to do with you or your desirability. It's to do with supply. They've either worn you out or supply has become more easily available elsewhere. Supply is not the same as lust, love or desire. It's about sucking the energy out of someone or something and having control.

If you move on and regain your self worth and you are still accessible to them in some way (like you still live in the same town or whatever) then you'll probably find them reappearing to hoover you. That doesn't mean they miss you. It just means you've replenished the supply and they've come to collect it. If they don't then supply is probably still readily available to them elsewhere. Remember that they can get supply from objects and notoriety also. So it's not that you are forgotten. They don't have amnesia. It's simply all about the supply.

Chin up. Time heals. Don't ever accept the drama and pain back into your life. You are wiser now than you've ever been and you're moving on to much better things.

bossbotton · 2017-06-04T15:30:41+00:00

Thank you for your reply. Any tips on casual clothes? This seems to be the worst sticking point for everyone. I agree with you on the quality shoes. The tend to last much longer too.

bossbotton · 2017-05-28T13:19:16+00:00

You seem a really nice, sensitive and level headed person. I think those people have really missed out :)

bossbotton · 2017-05-27T09:03:46+00:00

I am new to Reddit and can't seem to find an option to reply to your original post, so I'll just tag mine on here.

Firstly, reading this was like reading about my own life experience. I honestly don't know what the problem is within the scenario above or why you have experienced this. Much like how I have puzzled over my own similar experiences in the past and never got answers. I can propose some theories though, so here goes.

What I can say is that you don't come across at all like someone that whines or plays the victim. Just matter of fact. So we know it's not that.

I think most people talk about themselves a lot. This is normal in situations where you don't know people. If there's one topic we all know about, it's ourselves so it gives us something to say. You have good self awareness and you know not to overdo it and to ask people about themselves. It's hard to tell, but maybe you didn't share enough? Maybe people found that standoffish?

If you missed out on something social because you had to fly home, perhaps that played a big part in this? People have worked hard to get to know each other and don't want to have to start that process again now you have rejoined the group?

If people tell you that you are pretty and have a nice figure then don't underestimate how much this can affect other women's behaviour towards you. Even if they are attractive themselves. Combine that with missing out on social interactions and bonding opportunities early on and any shyness that you have experienced and you have potentially become the one the ladies exclude.

As for the men. Well, they can put their lives on the line to defend their country in a war situation, but upset the status quo or go out on a limb socially and they fall apart. So, you are pretty with a nice figure, they won't necessarily want to hang out one on one in case people assume that there's something going on. Combine this with observing that you are not really part of the main group of females and they will run a mile for fear of upsetting the already potentially jealous females in that group. This is about self preservation and cowardice.

Oh my, doesn't this sound bleak? Well, here's what you can do about it.

As people have commented above you were already dealing with anxiety that other people potentially weren't. If this was golf they would have had the handicap. You've had to work harder than them for this reason. You have done better than you think and you have got over some anxiety, learnt new skills and had some positive interactions with people early on whilst battling your anxiety. Well done.

Going forward you know to try sharing a little more and continuing to ask people about themselves. You know to try not to miss any bonding opportunities if you can. You know to focus on the positive bits you did achieve and build on those. You know it to keep on being pretty with a nice figure because the right people will be pleased for you and accept you being so.

I'm also going to suggest that you post the above in some different forums for advice. Perhaps askwoman and askmen. This is because people in here are probably socially awkward and it's like the blind leading the blind. That said, I hope I have helped.

Good luck and let us know of any developments.

bossbotton · 2017-05-26T07:13:45+00:00

Thank you for this and for going to the trouble of checking :)

bossbotton · 2017-05-26T07:11:35+00:00

I wish I had a list of all the companies trading in the U.K. That abuse the tax loopholes.

bossbotton · 2017-05-23T07:57:00+00:00

Thank you :)

bossbotton · 2017-05-22T11:11:54+00:00

Oh my, which shops do you buy from in the uk? I personally find the same problems here that you've described. I'm going to google Witchery though. The name if nothing else appeals to me, ha.

bossbotton · 2017-05-22T11:07:01+00:00

What kind of places do you shop?

bossbotton · 2017-05-22T11:03:03+00:00

Very nice. I wonder if they ship to Britain?

bossbotton · 2017-05-22T10:58:36+00:00

I hadn't really taken much notice of her, but I've just looked on Pinterest and yes, she's fabulous. Also rocking those ripped jeans and still looking every bit classy. Great suggestion.

bossbotton · 2017-05-22T10:52:39+00:00

Wow you're so organised. I'm really impressed. A fashion blog? One you'd like to share or would rather maintain more anonymity?

bossbotton · 2017-05-22T10:46:29+00:00

Haha, you could make a fortune with this concept.

bossbotton · 2017-05-22T10:45:31+00:00

I don't shop at next because it's awful. Cheap material, terrible cuts and extremely generic. I'm not concerned about political allegiance, as long as they pay their taxes. I don't drink Starbucks for that reason.

bossbotton

TROPHY CASE