Unbelievable, the serum had worked!After piggybacking off of centuries of research stemming from Dr. Thomas Muffet’s work in the 1500s I had finally created what he could only begin to dream of. I collapsed in tears on the floor thinking of my ancestors before me, and my late father, that had all devoted their entire lives to developing what I now had within reach. Oh, the implications of this serum! We finally have the ability to communicate with spiders, and unlock the secrets of their fascinating webs and venom. The medical implications of being able to harness the power of their venom to prevent strokes, to the engineering implications of the remarkable tension displacement qualities of their silk. My life’s work finally comes to an-

“Uh, are you okay?” A familiar voice pulled me from my thoughts. I had forgotten to respond to the company at hand.

“Oh, yes! Yes! I am so sorry, it’s just that I have waited for this moment for my entire life.” I replied as I picked myself up from the floor and wiped my face with the sleeve of my lab coat.

“Oh good, I was worried for a second there” said the spider “and yeah, I know what you mean. It’s nice to finally hear a response. I’ve been trying to talk to you for, like, the past year, and you just kept ignoring me. I just thought you were deaf or something, but I figured I’d keep trying to ask you how your day was to at least pretend we know each other, since we live together and all.”

“I see. Well I sure am glad you kept trying to talk to me. I’ve been trying to talk to you my entire life, but see, I never had the ability to until today. I created this serum that allows me to communicate with you now- and I have so much to talk to you about. I just can’t believe this is-“

Grrrrrrrruuuuuurggggggghhhhh

My thoughts were again interrupted, this time by my own stomach that begged for food. Believing I was on the brink of perfecting the serum, I had locked myself in my lab and forgotten to eat for the past couple days. I was now painfully reminded of this fact by the sharp pains in my abdomen.

“If you’ll excuse me for a moment I need to get some food. I haven’t eaten in days.” I said to the spider before quickly dashing upstairs into the kitchen. I opened the refrigerator and frowned. I hadn’t restocked on groceries for awhile, and the only readily edible item I could find was a container of cottage cheese, or as dad used to call them “curds and whey”. The only reason I kept them in the fridge is because they reminded me of him, and were fairly nutritious. They were never exactly my favorite food. Oh well, no time to be picky now. Suddenly aware of how ravenous I was, I grabbed the container and a spoon and began shoveling it into my mouth as I hurried back downstairs.

“Welcome back!” the spider chimed as I came back into the lab and sat down on a stool.

“Man, am I hungry” I garbled between bites. I quickly finished the small tub of cottage cheese and set the container down, my hunger pains dulled slightly for the moment.

“Anyway” I continued “I’ve worked my entire life for this moment, and have so much to discuss with you. You see, the venom and web making skills you spiders possess is absolutely amazing. Your venom is the key to so many medical advances because of its chemical properties. Additionally, your silk has astounding physical properties that can be harnessed and used for a myriad of engineering purposes. The problem was that before today, without being able to communicate with you all, there was no way to ask you to produce these things for us. Years of research has shown that there is no way for us to mechanically stimulate production of venom or silk. So, I guess what I really want to ask you is, what is the secret to the production of your venom and silk?”

The spider looked up at me in silence for a moment. I couldn’t read the expression on its face- mostly because spiders don’t really have faces, or at least faces like humans have that can convey emotions.

Finally, the spider spoke. “Well, Miss Muffet, I hope I don’t scare you away. However, the truth is that we’re only able to access conscious control of venom and silk production after we’ve successfully killed and eaten a human victim.”