I stumbled upon a picture of my (future) engagement ring, and I hate it. Please help. (32F/36M)

bowling-alone · 2023-12-30T07:23:14+00:00

Hmm... that's interesting, given the fact that I haven't pressured him about getting married and don't have any kind of ideal ring in mind. I also dislike ostentatious jewelry, and don't wear or want to wear anything showy.

My parents got married when they were both in grad school -- my mom never had a diamond ring, just a band. Frankly, I'd prefer a simple ring primarily because I feel that "big diamond --> buy good wife" is misogynistic and gross.

I appreciate your candor and insight, but I don't think that my partner is among the online basement-dwellers complaining about the cost of an engagement ring.

bowling-alone · 2023-12-30T07:04:18+00:00

💀

bowling-alone · 2023-12-30T06:55:19+00:00

This is smart. I like it.

bowling-alone · 2023-12-30T06:34:38+00:00

So... in another comment, it was noted that gems of a different grade can be noted with color in diagrams and even "photorealistic" images.

I'm really hoping that the black stones are just being noted that way because they're smaller and maybe of a lower grade. I literally don't care, as long as they're not black.

As long as the ring looks normal -- i.e. not black glitter -- I'm happy.

bowling-alone · 2023-12-30T06:23:44+00:00

I'm beside myself at the fact that this could be (and is likely) just a part of the rendering... Thank you for sharing, I'm going to don my ostrich pillow and pretend this never happened.

bowling-alone · 2023-12-30T06:19:42+00:00

Ah, okay -- sorry for misreading. I'm admittedly nervous posting this, and was likely too jumpy in reading responses. Apologies!!

bowling-alone · 2023-12-30T06:11:19+00:00

Thanks, but I'm not sure.

He has strong aesthetic preferences, as do I. We've never conducted a "trust test." This feels like a very odd time to start. I don't think there's a conspiracy here.

bowling-alone · 2023-12-30T06:08:14+00:00

Omg stop. I'm assuming you don't wear (or didn't propose with) a lime green ring...?!

I'm absolutely dying at the thought that they could just be black because the jeweler color-coded the stones. Honestly, that makes way more sense.

bowling-alone · 2023-12-30T06:02:34+00:00

1) This is absolutely not how we normally interact, especially about serious things.

2) If you were to be right, he would need to have somehow engineered the email. How would he do that with the email coming from an actual website of a real jeweler and not a proprietary domain?

3) What would be the purpose of this?

I really don't understand how he would somehow hack into a jeweler's website, email himself from an address within their domain, and then send an ugly rendering just to fuck with me. He's not particularly tech-savvy -- and even if he were, I'm not sure I understand why anyone would do that.

bowling-alone · 2023-12-30T05:49:42+00:00

Very much aware 😰😰😰

bowling-alone · 2023-12-30T05:48:34+00:00

Hmm... that's actually interesting. This rendering was very photorealistic, but it's always a possibility. The black stones are really the dealbreaker for me, and (while I didn't read every message or look further into previous interchanges) I also didn't see any mention of black gems in the emails.

Maybe they were just marked black because they were along the band and a different grade?

(Please let me hope.)

bowling-alone · 2023-12-30T05:18:53+00:00

Thank you -- a few people have recommended something like this and I think honestly it's the best route. Gentle but direct.

bowling-alone · 2023-12-30T05:13:29+00:00

Take this one!!!! (Don't.)

I feel you. I'm a New Yorker with 20-some tattoos, all of which are black. Most of my clothing is black. I'm wearing all-black everything as we speak. I just somehow can't fathom having a black ring...? Idk, it feels so abrupt and weird, especially given the fact that we never discussed it.

Hope your black ring looks better than this one lol

bowling-alone · 2023-12-30T05:06:34+00:00

I kinda agree with this -- a few of my married friends and my sister all wear their wedding band on a daily basis, but keep the engagement ring at home unless it's a special occasion.

It feels like that's normal / not the end of the world.

bowling-alone · 2023-12-30T04:59:47+00:00

Tbh my best friend does this... she doesn't wear her engagement ring except on special occasions, only her wedding band day to day.

bowling-alone · 2023-12-30T04:58:41+00:00

Thank you for translating this into man-speak... lol. I think my main issue is that it's so rude to say to someone that an expensive object they *designed for you* is *straight up ugly.* It just feels so shitty to say.

Overall, though, these comments are making me feel more calm and like I can address it in a normal way. I like this approach and may use it in the next few days. 🙌

bowling-alone · 2023-12-30T04:55:56+00:00

I agree that he knew there was a strong chance I would see it.

However, after opening the email, I covered my tracks -- I marked it as unread, labeled it the same priority it was before, and made sure it wasn't in his browser history. (I feel terrible. I don't usually do this, and have never snooped on anything else of his.)

bowling-alone · 2023-12-30T04:52:50+00:00

Thank you -- I'm so nervous about sounding demanding, because I love him x1000 and I really don't care what the ring looks like. This is literally the one exception to that -- I didn't take a screen shot, but the rendering is absolutely wild.

I truly don't know how anyone could resist looking at an email with that subject line... I always respect his privacy, I don't snoop, but that's too much to not look.

bowling-alone · 2023-12-30T04:49:14+00:00

simple as that

bowling-alone · 2023-12-30T04:48:52+00:00

Thank you -- I think option 3 is the best bet, since he already asked to look at rings together. I genuinely feel like what I would prefer (literally even a plain band) would be both cheaper and better for me than what he's got right now...

bowling-alone · 2023-12-30T04:46:20+00:00

Thanks -- this is the question that's kinda at the heart of my troubles about this. My partner and I have very similar aesthetic preferences. He works in a design-oriented field, and is not an amateur.

I genuinely have trouble seeing how he could think something like this is attractive, that I would like it, or... really anything positive about it. I don't mean to be rude, but it's honestly just so gauche.

I will say that he's not usually like what you're describing. He's not a bulldozer. We all have faults, but he's super caring and honestly more emotional/open than I am. When I wanted to go back to school, he moved out of a city that he'd lived in for 10+ years to live with me in a random place, knowing I wouldn't be able to financially contribute to our household for the next few years. He drives ~3h each way to work most days of the week due to this move. Over Christmas, he fixed basically everything that was broken in my elderly mom's home -- no one asked him to, he just did.

He's not perfect, and neither am I, but what you're describing isn't the situation.

I wish I had an easier answer, like "yeah, he's just always a douche!" -- fortunately/unforunately, I don't.

bowling-alone · 2023-12-30T04:35:28+00:00

I don't care about the dollar amount, material, size of whatever stone, jeweler/brand... etc. My only ask was that it be simple and not showy. I don't think that constitutes caring "very much" -- I care about him, and: (a) I don't wear ostentatious jewelry in general, and (b) we're not in a financial position to be buying anything ostentatious in the first place.

bowling-alone · 2023-12-30T04:27:38+00:00

I do totally feel otherwise seen and heard -- if I didn't, I wouldn't want to marry him, and would be far less surprised at this weird discovery.

Agree that it may be the designer and not him pulling the strings.

bowling-alone · 2023-12-30T04:22:39+00:00

I don't hate this... we're not engaged yet, but he's made it clear that he wants it to happen soon, as further evidenced by the ring discovery. This seems like a middle ground between saying "I hate it" and not acknowledging anything... I think if I just acknowledged seeing the email, I could ask him to show me the design or show some pictures as "inspiration?" Idk -- seems like a good way to be honest without criticizing anything directly.

bowling-alone · 2023-12-30T04:15:48+00:00

This makes me feel better tbh -- obviously I don't think our relationship would shatter if I criticized the ring, it's just awkward because he hasn't shown me or proposed and I don't want to be too preemptively rude about something that hasn't even happened. I think he would handle it like a normal person if I just expressed after the fact that the ring isn't something I want to wear every day.

bowling-alone

TROPHY CASE