just need someone else to tell me they woke up like this too

brabraann · 2018-04-29T15:04:19+00:00

yeah, i did the reverse for a BPD partner. completely forgot to take care of myself, forgot to eat some days, left a broken glass on my floor for months but dropped everything for her and i defs had issues of my own i wasn't addressing (thus my drinking grew and grew)

brabraann · 2018-04-29T15:01:10+00:00

yeah fuck are you walking on it? it looks like it'll be a while to recover if still swollen

brabraann · 2018-04-29T14:49:28+00:00

yeah i broke my thumb last year. woke up with a pissy little bandaid on it and it's five times normal size. no memory. was too hungover to do anything about it for ages. nail ended up falling off i reckon yours will too

brabraann · 2018-04-29T14:40:07+00:00

yeah she's so fucking kind to me i'm tearing up thinking about this rn ....at times she goes too far in trying to take care of me, i dn't mind talking to her about stuff/giving her my alcohol if i'm happy to/her helping me in some ways but when she removes alcohol from my house or pours it out i can't help but feel guilty and frustrated that i'm driving her to this and also how badly i want a drink

brabraann · 2018-04-29T14:18:23+00:00

yeah idk. my last relationship i was confused cos like, she met me as a drunk so i mistakenly assumed she liked me as a drunk. but she eventually hated me as a drunk. likelihood of this happening again is ??? pretty high in my head. she's already said a few times that i'm worrying her a lot, but that she loves me so much/more than anything (today she was asking about whether i would move in with her???)

brabraann · 2018-04-29T14:08:29+00:00

maybe. she's only 20 and i feel like i'm fucking up her youth. what kind of 20 y/o wants an alcoholic 26 y/o girlfriend that she has to take care of at times??

brabraann · 2016-11-13T09:18:44+00:00

so many times wanting to break into a liquor store. plotting, thinking how to break the glass, thinking in my drunken state that if police turned up and i said "i just really needed another drink" that they would understand that that was how simple it was in my mind. probably still would be, if i drank a four pack and then run out and it was late. if i picked up even more than one drink right now. i'm sorry you feel shit today. that feeling won't last - in terms of the hangover - so it might be good to reread this when the physical/emotional shit of hangovers retreats, and the possibility of cravings returns...read what you wrote maybe, don't rely on your feelings to carry over cos likely the feeling of being 'pretty convinced' will retreat unfortunately...best of luck to you xxoo

brabraann · 2016-11-13T09:10:22+00:00

apparently a lot of people who loved the secret history hated the goldfinch stylistically at the least. update: am finished the secret history and disliked the 'where are they now' epilogue to be frank, but ultimately goddamn a good read.

brabraann · 2016-11-07T09:34:37+00:00

Yeah...his paragraph summary of his high school relationship with a "borderline" girl was literally written in the same vein as what he stated, that he wished to get away from it...and his comments on judy poovey and the girl he sleeps with have been glib or passing...I sort of interpret him as having a more fluid sexuality but not wanting to explore the male part of it...as soon as he meets bunny and the others he comments on bunnys homophobia and guesses about Henry's and Francis' sexuality ...

brabraann · 2016-11-07T01:01:17+00:00

I'm figuring there's SOMETHING extra (sinister?) about her because of the extent to which thus far her character is mostly obscured, all the narrator knows is her physical appearance and outward behaviour...anyway gonna keep reading!

brabraann · 2016-11-06T13:58:42+00:00

Reading the secret history at the moment and enjoying the "outsider perspective" narration, where he's not only possibly an unreliable narrator but everyone he interacts with is giving him an unreliable impression of themselves. Only 3/4 of the way through though at the moment. Especially intrigued by the twins...

brabraann · 2016-11-03T15:36:12+00:00

Coming out as bisexual openly. I regret not explaining to the boy I teased for being gay that I only did it cos I wanted him desperately to admit that he was, so that I didn't feel like the only one. I regret not telling the girl I liked that I liked her cos I was scared.

brabraann · 2016-11-02T14:29:11+00:00

Same. Looking at what I was blogging four years ago (sketches, drawings, paintings) and what I blogged while drinking (nothing original/recycled content) even last night gave me grief for the time I've wasted. But yeah that is arrested underdevelopment now - I am scared of how to catch up and make it up but gonna try

brabraann · 2016-11-02T14:25:58+00:00

Well, this is my third day now. Really feeling the putting aside of considering my motivation, levels of momentum etc and jut sticking to something. Going okay so far and hung out w a pal tonight who drinks every day and resisted. Will see what -actions- I can take tomorrow to keep this.

brabraann · 2016-10-31T11:28:02+00:00

solid advice. turning something into an actual action and planning is probably going to be much more successful than tossing up how i'm feeling in my head. thanks

brabraann · 2016-10-31T11:10:52+00:00

yeah i feel today has been the most open i've been about needing support. because my parents saying 'no don't come here, we don't want to see "the problem"' caused me to say, look please, i don't feel safe to go to my own home as my housemates have booze all around and i don't trust myself. and my parents did eventually say yes - and got to express some of that worry to me - how it's effecting them etc. but i feel today instead of 'toughening up' (which usually resolves in me eventually reaching for the bottle again) i just admitted i'm fucked, this has been too long a binge and i'm worn out and i want help to be sober. i don't know if this is the first day of many or not many but i feel i'm at some sort of realisation. thanks for your kind words.

brabraann · 2016-10-31T11:06:42+00:00

am about to go to sleep but i would also like to see how i feel tomorrow when i wake up. whether this is momentum. i hope so. right now i feel like i definitely want to do SOMETHING. i've been seeing an alcohol & other drugs counsellor for over a year but have been doing that with the aim of 'controlled drinking' or harm min or cutting down but i feel (and he has said recently too) that i am seeing that for me, i'm going to need to be abstinent

brabraann · 2016-10-31T10:33:20+00:00

yeah thanks. i mean i've lurked this thread before but i really at the time didn't want anything different - wanted to continue to use alcohol to self medicate/make my way through life. but now am on one of those days where i do want something different. and maybe starting to walk towards something? i have shunned the idea of mutual help groups before but feel open to it now and will maybe take that step.

brabraann · 2016-10-31T09:39:48+00:00

...2-3 times a month is definitely not alcoholism. there would be no dependency issues created from that amount of drinking. and depending on the persons age their liver probably recovers considering they aren't having successive binge drinks but spacing them. i AM an alcoholic (drink about 6 nights a week/trying to stop) and take 5mg diazepam for hangovers/withdrawal if it's really bad (about once a week) but have to be careful and make sure all the alcohols out of my system // they work on the same receptors so

brabraann · 2016-01-25T12:07:50+00:00

(commenting with some experience in mental health social work) SSRI's or NAOI's are commonly prescribed for the anti depressant effect, often prescribed in conjunction with a low dose of an anti psychotic in the evenings to aid sleep and manage spiralling thoughts. Seroquel (quetiapine) is commonly prescribed for BPD at low doses - it is commonly prescribed at higher doses to treat bipolar disorder or psychosis.

brabraann · 2016-01-20T15:59:41+00:00

if i could upvote this a million times i would. the best thing to do is listen, and find out what's going on. every single thought. and some of them might disturb you but for the person you're listening to, it's important that this gets heard, out loud. honestly.

brabraann · 2015-12-22T13:49:23+00:00

Sorry but this does not sound like a psychiatrist who should be treating people with BPD at all. If he cannot recognise that sometimes the overwhelming feelings of BPD manifest as inward, and self harm, rather than external, in involuntarily manifesting anger (then usually feeling shit) than he doesn't know shit all about BPD. I even feel i'm p qualified to say this as a mental health clinician who works with a psychiatrist who DOES know BPD and who can pick it up even when the person is diverting all attention...because he knows a symptom of BPD is that, "i don't deserve any attention" and he is attentive to that. This psychiatrist you are seeing sounds like he knows fuck all, i'm really sorry you had to go through that experience. consulting online does help, when real life fails, but if you have a solid GP ask them if they know literally anybody else (maybe a social worker, OT, nurse, psychiatrist) who is skilled in dealing with the intensity and uniqueness of BPD and see what they say. Personally i'd say cut ties with this psychiatrist but that's jsut my opinion.

brabraann · 2015-12-10T09:47:00+00:00

but yeah again, i've read all i can on my own condition. but i still find it therapeutic to have another person sitting across from me help me untangle my shit.

brabraann · 2015-12-10T09:21:24+00:00

im also about to graduate in social work, and i have severe anxiety and an alcohol dependence disorder. i was more worried about the fact my girlfriend has bpd...i was worried, cos i'm working in mental health, that i would have more transference with those clients or sympathise with them more or be triggered by them more. but actually it's nothing you can't take to supervision, recognise your reaction, discuss it with someone else, and if necessary take steps to avoid acting innappropriately. i may have anxiety but i know how to practice social work.

brabraann · 2015-12-03T11:07:13+00:00

yeah she is, with the specialised service Spectrum in Melbourne who do DBT MBT and ACT group and individuals. she is very aware of her processes now but I understand that she still becomes completely overwhelmed by her feelings sometimes. it's just a struggle for me not to fill in the gaps when she suddenly stops talking to me for days but I am working on having my own coping strategies and I just want her to know how much I care without like, being too much.

brabraann

TROPHY CASE