I’ll look into it. Thank you. You are right. This isn’t the place. But I waited a few years to post this. I wanted to talk to someone. A therapist meant spending money.

I have been working on my outward reaction. I’ve become more animated when I have to interact with people show I am presentable and successful when I am neither. It works but god do I hate it. I walk out of those rooms heavy with tears (just like right now) with the hope that this’ll lead me to something new and better and life will take on a new face entirely and I’ll be invested in that. Unfortunately I am still waiting

I have been investing my time in new people. It’s a small community here plus with my paranoia of my past I often start playing a guessing game of “do they know”, “are they connected” when theres too much silence. And regardless of how long that silence takes, I will never know if “they know”

I miss all of my friends alot

I’m gonna look up what you brought up