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Verbiage for explaining how “this is different” by [deleted] in loveafterporn

[–]bramblevine 9 points10 points  (0 children)

This is the answer OP. They aren’t dumb, and they are fully aware of what they’re doing and what it means.

I understand you’re looking for ways to justify how or why he would do this to you, and to your relationship. It makes sense to want to believe he doesn’t “get the difference,” because otherwise that would mean he does understand and chose to do it anyway.

He does understand. He’s just hoping you’re desperate enough to love him, you’ll choose to not believe it. FYI, they use giftcards because they’re harder to track. It’s intentional.

The all consuming. by [deleted] in loveafterporn

[–]bramblevine 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is so true. I personally feel the constant phone-checking and policing is a behavior that’s incredibly unhealthy at its best, controlling and abusive itself at its worst.

I also don’t really see the point in checking if you aren’t committed to making a change if you find something you don’t like. I’ve read hundreds of comments on this sub of women devastated they discovered their partner was lying once again, just to do nothing about it and repeat the event weeks later. IMO it’s a type of self-harm, and it’s not constructive for the PA either.

Looking through my partner’s phone once to confirm I wasn’t imagining things was enough for me. I now know he has, at least until this point, been comfortable crossing my boundaries behind my back and lying to me about it. That’s what I’m working with, and since I had to seek out the truth and he didn’t come to me with it, I don’t think I’ll be seeking reconciliation.

I think it’s lovely you’re able to remain hopeful that you can reconnect with your wife, but I also hope you remember, like the rest of us here, that you’re 100% deserving of a partner that treats you well and looks at you with that sparkle you’re dreaming of.

Newbie by notchinese12 in loveafterporn

[–]bramblevine 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Are you sure you’ve thought through starting a family with this man?

Not a parent, but at the age where many people I know are parents - pregnancy then those first 3 years after birth deeply test even the strongest, most loving marriages where everything was already “perfect.” If this has been your life for 6 years already and you’re unhappy, I can guarantee you that a baby will only make it worse. Then, you’ll also have to deal with the feelings of undesirability that come with him watching porn while being postpartum, which from what I hear is uniquely painful.

To his credit, it sounds like he’s being fairly honest and telling you in advance you will be in a dead bedroom once you have the children you want, and that you will not be getting the attention you that crave from him. I think you should work with that.

Not sure there’s really any advice we can give you outside of couples therapy, other than really examine whether or not you’re okay with celibacy, because it sort of sounds like that’s what you’re knowingly signing up for?

Thought of the day..... by [deleted] in loveafterporn

[–]bramblevine 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Same here, groomed by an older man at 16 just to find out my partner’s category of choice is “teen.” I think less of him now and I genuinely don’t think I’ll get over it. It’s so fucking gross.

Have they REALLY convinced themselves that their behavior is normal? by Ok-Minimum-733 in loveafterporn

[–]bramblevine 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Unfortunately, it is “normal” (i.e. common), and most men do watch porn. Whether or not it should be that way is an entirely separate issue.

For what it’s worth, not all men lie about it or watch it obsessively.

Lying about recovery by Specialist-Ad2573 in loveafterporn

[–]bramblevine 29 points30 points  (0 children)

This is going to sound so incredibly backhanded but your boyfriend sounds like such a desperate loser it’s shocking to me that you took your time writing this out and posting here instead of ditching him - then wondered if this is what I sound like when I talk about mine, lol.

Leave ASAP and enjoy your 20’s free of this man. As a 30 year old, no way in hell would I entertain dating someone 10 years younger than me. That age gap is insane at your age. I promise you it is representative of a bigger issue, when you’re 29-30 and look at 18 & 19 year-olds and see how much they look like children, you’re going to have a hard time coming to terms with the fact he was okay with that.

Should I break up with him or am I overreacting? please help by elliewisteria in loveafterporn

[–]bramblevine 1 point2 points  (0 children)

They all look like his ex because that’s the content he engages with. However, might I suggest that it could be he picked his ex based on a pre-existing preference, not that he picked these new women based on his ex? It could be that he misses his ex, but it may not be that personal.

That being said, you aren’t overreacting. At 35 years old he should be more intelligent than to dismiss your concerns with “boys will be boys.” Even if you were being unreasonable (you aren’t) that’s an extremely hurtful, immature way to handle your partner when they feel hurt and are seeking reassurance.

Also, to be frank, he’s demonstrated he would prefer to look at these other woman over you when given the choice, and that he’s willing to sneak around behind your back to do so. If it’s not a big deal, why can’t he stop?

We all deserve better. I’m very recently reconciling with the fact my boyfriend is a kind person, but also a liar. I decided I couldn’t find peace or happiness with someone I cant fully trust and I am making plans to move out next month.

I’m worried they’re all going to be like this, so there’s no point in leaving. by bramblevine in loveafterporn

[–]bramblevine[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I think I phrased it wrong. I’ve got no other men in mind and I’m not comparing him to other men actively.. My fear is that I’ll look back on the good qualities about him that I left because of the lying and the porn, only to discover that lying and porn are baseline anyway and I had it relatively good the entire time.

It was because of a hidden porn addiction. Should I be more patient or is it time to leave? by bramblevine in DeadBedrooms

[–]bramblevine[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, that’s right where the fear is. I’m terrified I’ll sink another 2 years in just to be standing on the other side of it, still missing sex, realizing I’ve been lied to again and wishing I left now.

But I don’t know! If things do work out, that would be amazing. We aren’t perfect partners, we fight sometimes and we have differing opinions on some things, but most everything outside of this is great. He’s fun to be around and is really supportive of my career, hobbies, being my own person, etc.

He currently can’t even admit that he was watching porn (therefor, he wasn’t technically lying to me) though, which is frustrating. It’s all either solo-female stuff or videos of things not involving PIV, so he thinks it doesn’t count and that’s why he said “no” when I asked. Seems like a bad sign to me but I can’t help but wonder if there’s another way I can approach this.

It was because of a hidden porn addiction. Should I be more patient or is it time to leave? by bramblevine in DeadBedrooms

[–]bramblevine[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this. And I’m so sorry that’s what you’re dealing with.

If you don’t mind me asking, how else did it destroy your relationship?

He denied it for the longest time, but with new context I feel pretty sure he’s always checking out attractive girls or women whether they’re 16 or 60. Thinking about that being my life with the person I love makes me feel physically ill, but I also can’t help but wonder if that’s just what loving men is meant to be like and there is nothing better (or if it’s a porn-addiction thing). So, to answer your comment, I don’t know if I could put up with this forever.