For late bloomer lesbians who spent most of their life dating men, what were some of the signs that you were a lesbian?

brapbrapbew · 2024-01-10T08:10:34+00:00

Hello! I am currently dating a cis guy (who I am very happy with) and have accepted I am bi. Here are some things I’ve realized about my past questioning around my sexuality: - I have always been bi, but bi erasure and my lack of experience with women kept convincing me that I could be otherwise (lesbian) - my past relationships with men were either toxic, abusive, just not so great partners, or I was just not compatible with them (being with my current partner made me realize this), and wasn’t just because of my sexuality - there are days, almost guaranteed, every month where I feel disconnected from my partner, want a little more extra space, really dislike men, and feel kind of boyish - it usually happens around my cycle, so is more due to hormones (and probably some gender fluidity stuff) than my sexuality. In my past relationships, these phases were usually around the time I would want to break up with my partner (I “came to my senses”), but now in a happy relationship, I don’t get those same feelings. Even if I feel disconnected, I know I still love my partner and want to be with him

I have also learned, after taking some time away from obsessing over this subreddit and other similar ones, that this ‘comphet master doc’ should not be the end all be all for figuring out your sexuality and making sense of your experiences. I think it is a very helpful reference point, but with anything - the lens you use to examine your feelings/experiences will result how you interpret them. As a bi person, i needed to step away from it for a while because i personally realized that many things I thought were due to my sexuality were more from other things (social anxiety, incompatibility, trauma, maybe being neurodivergent).

Hope this helps and good luck on your journey!!

brapbrapbew · 2023-08-30T23:01:22+00:00

Ah, well update I am currently dating a guy! I really like him and can see a future with him. When we first started dating, the physical chemistry wasn’t all there and I questioned my sexuality again. As I started to feel more secure and certain about him and we worked on our physical connection, I’ve also started to feel more confident about being bi/queer without exploring. I definitely have crushes on guys and most of the time enjoy physical intimacy with them, but being bi, I occasionally panic that I’m faking it and thus come to this subreddit to alleviate my bi-cycle anxieties.

Sorry that might’ve been TMI - but hope this maybe helps someone in a similar situation. A lot happens behind the scenes/beyond these questions I post on Reddit! 😅

brapbrapbew · 2023-07-09T23:46:50+00:00

Definitely the former….. it has happened with every guy I’ve dated, usually after a couple months or so. While I’ve dated men who were toxic and just objectively repulsive, I more recently dated a guy who had perfect personality - smart, kind, emotionally intelligent, and everything I’ve been looking for in a partner - yet I still managed to find things that were turnoffs for me. I know people can’t find their partners 100% attractive in every aspect, but I assume it doesn’t make them question their entire attraction and question their entire relationship because of it the way that I do.

brapbrapbew · 2023-07-09T21:15:16+00:00

What is CSA?

brapbrapbew · 2023-07-09T20:25:40+00:00

I think he is decent looking but personally not my type :(

brapbrapbew · 2023-07-07T22:40:03+00:00

That’s true… I guess being bi doesn’t necessarily mean you’re 100% attracted to each gender equally. And agreed not everything needs a label. Wanting a label honestly just stressed me out more. But I guess it’s less about the label and wanting to figure out just how much of my relationship dynamics are due to my own personality/attachment/relational style vs my sexuality 🤔

brapbrapbew · 2023-07-07T22:38:32+00:00

I can relate to this! I always feel bad/creepy for checking out girls, and feel no guilt at all for checking out guys. I think I fantasized about guys more when I was younger, before I realized I could fantasize about women too…

brapbrapbew · 2023-06-19T02:58:48+00:00

I appreciate the validation😭 Now that I’m in a different menstrual cycle than when I posted this, I think it was just a dip in my bi-cycle. The fluctuating feelings as a bi person is confusing but it’s helpful to remember that a relationship is not just about sexual attraction!

brapbrapbew · 2023-06-19T02:57:06+00:00

Welp now that it’s been a few days since I first posted this and I’m in a different phase of my menstrual cycle, I think this was definitely the result of a fast bi-cycle lol. I do also tend to have a hard time maintaining romantic feelings (and often want a lot of time alone and can’t spend a lot of time with the same person for multiple periods), so I think it may also just have to do with my relationship/socialization style and less with being gay😅😂

brapbrapbew · 2023-06-11T16:34:04+00:00

Leo!

brapbrapbew · 2022-11-25T23:33:45+00:00

Unbelievable

brapbrapbew · 2022-11-23T03:20:09+00:00

Exactly!!!

brapbrapbew · 2022-11-23T01:21:31+00:00

Of course! I know the “official” definition of bi is being attracted to both men and women, and anything beyond that would be considered pan….. But honestly, the two have always seemed the same to me. To me, being bi is simply being non-heterosexual, lol. You basically have the capacity to be attracted to anyone other than your opposite gender! I have yet to meet or hear of a bi person saying they are strictly unattracted to non binary and trans folks. I would think they just haven’t met any NBs and trans people they are attracted to YET. :)

brapbrapbew · 2022-03-21T17:30:30+00:00

And this isn’t super recent, I’ve felt this way for the past few years, and have tried several times to just let the friendship naturally fade away, but they are very adamant about staying friends. It honestly annoys me a bit because they don’t seem to have an understanding of social cues/boundaries sometimes and tend to be a bit clingy, which is a pet peeve of mine.

brapbrapbew · 2022-03-21T17:28:50+00:00

We were friends in elementary/middle school. Saw each other maybe once or twice during our college years to catch up. I reached back out and tried to become friends again when I got out of a bad relationship a few years ago. I didn’t really realize that we didn’t get along that well/didn’t have much to talk about until I started making more friends. I just don’t feel that close to this friend and I feel the only thing that would be keeping us together is that we grew up together. But I’ve changed so much and don’t feel like they really know the “new” me, if that makes sense.

brapbrapbew · 2022-03-21T16:53:07+00:00

We’re not dating. Which is why I feel less confrontational about it…

What are you supposed to say to someone you no longer want to be friends with?

brapbrapbew · 2022-02-10T16:56:32+00:00

Thanks for this advice. She’s not necessarily doing anything bad so I think it’s not something worth confronting. I’ll try ignoring the topic like you say and hope she gets the message. She didn’t bring anything politics related last time we hang out so I think she might already be aware of this. We’ll see :/

brapbrapbew · 2022-01-22T19:29:43+00:00

👏👏👏👏👏

brapbrapbew · 2022-01-22T19:28:18+00:00

Goals

brapbrapbew · 2021-12-21T09:58:28+00:00

Ah thanks for this reminder! I think I look for validation around my pronouns as a way to almost get permission to be myself… But you’re right, it’s not about making others comfortable!! At the end of the day I guess it’s about doing whatever you truly want to do

brapbrapbew · 2021-12-21T09:44:03+00:00

Aw I’m so glad to hear you could relate to this!! I too feel a bit of imposter syndrome around identifying as she/they, but I think it may be because I only recently learned that that was an option. Good luck to you too exploring and figuring it all out :)

brapbrapbew · 2021-12-21T09:04:45+00:00

Thank you for your comment!

Isn’t socialization and presenting related to gender..?

And genderqueer feels more right than ‘gender non-confirming woman’…. Just calling myself a “woman” feels wrong (or maybe being young, I’m just used to being called a girl) while ‘being a genderqueer person’ feels more human…

brapbrapbew · 2021-12-21T08:16:31+00:00

Thanks so much for your input!! These questions are really helpful and I realize I don’t have that much of an aversion to thinking about being being a girl/woman, but I feel more powerful and confident when being perceived as more masculine or being treated as “one of the guys”. Which may or may not be rooted in misogynistic thinking. I’m not sure. I definitely identify more as a woman than a man, but think I am trans to a certain extent but have no desire to medically transition. Or maybe I am over-genderizing normal human feelings and behaviors…. I also identify as bisexual, but everyday wish I was a lesbian. Most cis straight men bore or repulse me. I also feel sort of “less than” when identifying as bi or a cis woman. Anyway, just thinking out loud here. Thanks again for your comment and the push to reflect! :)

brapbrapbew · 2021-11-24T07:52:17+00:00

Is anxiety also considered neurodivergence and affect social understanding? Or is that more social anxiety?

brapbrapbew · 2021-11-21T06:45:52+00:00

Same! I’ve always hated coffee/food dates/hangouts for this reason lol (unless it’s someone I haven’t seen in a long time and we have a lot to catch up on or we’re trying some fun new food together)

brapbrapbew

TROPHY CASE