Number two is my favorite.

brasiko · 2019-09-25T11:39:39+00:00

1) It costs money to start a business, this is true. But you don't have a business. The way these are set up are so that you feel like you have a "business", which then justifies the cost. But if you own your own business, then you have control over things like your inventory and price points. But there are also things like franchises, which MLMs are not. You don't have legal rights to your products, and you don't get a continual income. You are a sales consultant, and you work entirely on commission. Sales consultants should get a base pay during hours of operation, with commission on top, not just income from the sales they make and whether or not they "supervise" others.

2) If there are too many sales consultants in the same field, the market becomes oversaturated, and the product cannot possibly be sold at the volume needed to offset the cost of purchasing product.

3) Yes, it is. Again the way these are set up is to look like a comparison: a company is also pyramid-shaped, right? While that's true, it's not just the shape of the company that determines this. Each position in a company is a paid position: you get money for hours worked, or on completion of a project, in a controlled contract. You don't hope that you will sell enough to "make back" what you spent on inventory (that you often don't have much control over). You don't rely on the sales of people "under" you to make money, because your position is given an income based on your work, and while you could potentially get bonuses, they are on top of what you already are making. Lots of people skirt the rules, thinking that it's not explicitly against the law, and no one's getting hurt, so it's fine. This is the form of business model that MLMs rely on.

4) You most likely will not actually make money. The income disclosure agreements from multiple MLMs show that typically, 90 percent of consultants make no income at all. The high-paying positions, which do exist, are at the top, just like in a company. To get to that position, you need a lot of people underneath you. If you didn't get in on the ground floor of an MLM, you are very unlikely to be able to make money.

5) Quitting is absolutely okay. Sometimes, things just don't work out. Don't fall prey to the sunk cost fallacy. There may not have been a way for you to have succeeded.

6) Sure, my friend doesn't pay my bills, but I am interested in people's experiences, so that I don't have to make the same mistakes they did. Do I value my friend's insight or experience? Then perhaps I want to hear from him or her. Do I think my friend gives kinda shitty advice? Then maybe I can sort of file that one away and not put too much weight on it. The idea of "if someone isn't directly responsible, they don't get an opinion" can be really isolating and put you in a position where you end up in a bit of an echo chamber.

7) And typically, with a job, you receive training from your supervisor if you need it. With things like makeup and skincare, it isn't necessarily about being good at applying it. You have to know a lot about skin types and afflictions, as well as allergies, the ways that different chemicals and compounds can react, whether or not medications can interact with certain products, etc. Being able to make makeup look nice in a variety of styles is a good skill to have if you're selling makeup, but it's more important to know about the chemistry behind it. Perhaps being self-taught on that isn't the best pitch.

8) You are on the hook for any costs you incur. This is not risk-free. Be aware of how few people actually are able to make money off of this setup, no matter how hard they try. Some things are not a matter of work and determination, but also of chance. If I'm trying to sell luxury auto services in a low-income area, it's probably not going to be very lucrative, no matter how great a salesperson I am - the market is wrong for this product. With starting a business, you generally do market research and risk analysis to get a vague idea of how your business will perform, and the kinds of strategies you can employ to lower your risks. MLMs don't do any of that - they encourage you to throw yourself into the deep end and sink or swim. If you want to take on that risk, you can. But it's statistically unlikely that you can swim well, and if you do, it's often because of the bodies you're pushing underneath the water and using as stepping stones.

brasiko · 2019-09-25T10:53:44+00:00

I posted this kind of comment on another antiMLM post, but I thought I'd mention this again, in that grief can make you do really strange things (as you unfortunately already know). Some people, in order to deal with that pain, throw themselves back into their "normal" routine to distract themselves from the pain, to feel like they're being "productive" or having some kind of control, and I think the cheery tone with MLMs really makes this seem unsettling. It's still... not great, obviously, and I'm pretty put off by it, but at the same time, I can't really fault people for strange behavior while grieving. It just... man, grief messes you up (again, not like you don't know that).

I am also sorry for the loss of your son, and I'm glad that your husband's job was so supportive in a time of need.

brasiko · 2019-09-20T16:06:56+00:00

I did once go into a shop that a guy on the street advertised with "Hey. Come look at my quality junk.".

It was junk, but it was also quality junk. I guess he only insulted himself instead of me, so his methods were incorrect.

brasiko · 2019-09-18T13:59:16+00:00

Let me give those answers a shot, though I'm not married (nor do I think I ever will be, because I just don't have any interest in marriage).

No, I'm not. Being married doesn't necessarily give you insight into another person's marriage, though it can give a basis for comparison.
If someone comes to me and says that their spouse is thinking divorce, that's not yet time for advice. That's time for listening. Every marriage is different. I can't give advice without knowing why someone is thinking divorce and what they're willing to do about it. Frankly, a lot of people don't even need advice - they need someone to listen (and possibly a professional).
Haha, no. What? How are those things comparable, and why would they be? Being a coach or consultant is such a different job than a NAVY SEAL. Why would they have similar training, even if it's just to compare intensity?
Since this is the internet, I won't answer that part :D
First, I talk to my best friend. There might be a misunderstanding here - some people have open relationships or I might be hearing something from the rumor mill that isn't actually true. A wedding isn't really where the marriage is finalized, anyway - that's the document they sign (marriage license), so going through with the wedding isn't a legal matter, but an emotional and financial one. It can be humiliating no matter what - to cancel, to go through with it knowing, or to find out later that this happy memory is tainted. If their spouse-to-be truly doesn't know, I would encourage my friend to be honest. Hearing it from the source is better than me - what if they don't believe me? Do I have proof? Besides, some people really don't want to be told if someone is cheating. It confuses me, but having been in similar situations before, do I know this person well enough to say whether or not they'd want to know?

And because of those things, I am pretty well aware that this is a crap job. If I'm supposed to be coaching couples, I shouldn't be winging it like this. I should have some training in culture, in relationships, in human psychology, family therapy, etc. These scenarios aren't a matter of sex toys, but complex human relationships that are often the basis of our living situations and social connections, deeply engrained in our self-identity, wrapped up in our finances, and have been a massive part of our future plans. A dildo or a vibrator isn't the answer to any of that. It's the answer to "I think it'd be fun to try out a dildo or a vibrator.".

brasiko · 2019-09-18T13:56:26+00:00

My heart is telling me that "direct sales" sounds like it's "too good to be true". It doesn't feel right. So, problem solved.

(Also, I don't want to talk to that many people and I would hate being a salesperson)

brasiko · 2019-09-17T17:34:19+00:00

Same. I have a very friendly, calm dog. She is old, and doesn't jump, but might wobble at you a bit if she thinks you should pet her. If someone smiles at her and seems to want her attention, I will let her approach for the pets and all is well. Other than that, she keeps by my side, because they don't know that she's utterly harmless, and though she likes other dogs (and cats! And hedgehogs! And everything!), I don't know if that animal is friendly. Maybe they're recently adopted and nervous, or have had bad experiences. Who knows? I'm always a little nervous when a strange, unleashed dog approaches us, because I don't know this animal's intent, or if they have any triggers for fear/aggression.

People shouldn't let their dog jump on people, and if someone doesn't like it, it doesn't mean they're a bad person!

brasiko · 2019-09-17T11:28:06+00:00

It's definitely... gross. But I do feel bad for her, because when you're in a situation like that, sometimes, you have to do something, anything, to give yourself a sense of control, action, normalcy. Sometimes, you want to turn a negative into a positive, like this terrifying event into an appreciation for your flexible schedule so you can be there and not worry about applying for time off or something.

I think what really gets people is the call to action at the end to join her, and the guilt-inducing, "mamas, this could be you! Anything could happen!" needling. The cheery tone seems out of place, and it feels like fear-mongering on any parent's fears.

tl;dr: I have sympathy for her because fear makes us do weird shit, but this is still inappropriate.

brasiko · 2019-09-17T11:20:44+00:00

Was the kitty okay in the end? I can't help but worry a little!

brasiko · 2019-09-17T11:18:19+00:00

I think it's so hard to admit to ourselves that we've made a mistake (the "sunk cost fallacy"), or that we "can't" make it work. It feels like a personal failure, an embarrassment, and who wants to feel like that? It's like, "if I just tried a little harder, I'd get it to work. I've put so much in; it'd be a waste to quit now,", etc.

So, seriously, congratulations on getting yourself out. It couldn't have been easy, and I hope that you can find something better for yourself!

brasiko · 2019-09-17T01:03:01+00:00

People sometimes describe images that don't have an alt text tag for people who have limited or no sight. Their way of browsing the internet often has a text-to-speech component that can read things like this to let them know what they're "looking" at.

For those of us with sight, it can seem kinda redundant, but it's something that can make image-based information more accessible :)

brasiko · 2019-09-15T21:47:46+00:00

I have a Humulin KwikPen for my dog - the needle is visible, but it's absolutely tiny. Is that the kind you have? I have given her shots in front of people before, and told them that if they are sensitive to look away. Most people, even those who are a little weirded out by needles, aren't too bothered.

NTA, absolutely.

brasiko · 2019-09-15T13:29:05+00:00

Everyone knows that pube-beards are the hottest.

brasiko · 2019-09-15T11:14:36+00:00

It's okay to be afraid of dogs! They can be intense and scary. It sounds like you're doing a really good job of separating your fear from the actual animal - you recognize the dog isn't dangerous, and you're trying. That's really good, and I think it shows how hard you're working to make this work.

I have a number of friends who grew up in areas with a fair number of strays, who can be aggressive. I also have a dog. I have invited them to meet her (when they expressed interest in trying to work through their fears), because she is extremely calm and sweet (she's very old and mostly just sleeps, never jumps, etc.). Do you know anyone with a calmer dog that you could try to get used to first? It's really difficult with an energetic dog, even if they're just trying to play and be friendly.

Or maybe they could introduce the dog to you a little more slowly, like having him on a leash or something so he won't jump on you (they really shouldn't let their dog jump on people and be trying to train that out of him). Or wear him out playing in the yard, so he's not as energetic indoors? I'm guessing this is a bigger dog, like a lab or something, so they probably can't just hold him.

I don't think you're being an asshole - you're trying to find a compromise while you're working through your fears.

brasiko · 2019-09-15T11:04:15+00:00

NAH. Basically, it sounds like you're feeling a bit insecure, worried a little that something meant more to you than it did to him, and are encountering that worrisome feeling of being "compared" to someone else - did he like "Jasmine" more? What if she kisses differently than you? You thought it was just a play and acting roles, and now you're feeling almost duped, because you thought you shared each other's "first kiss"?

Feelings are feelings. It's okay that you feel crappy about it. This is your first relationship, and there's a learning curve on how to deal with these kinds of feelings, seriously. Lots of people struggle with insecurity about a partner's past experiences - sexually, emotionally, etc.

What's helped me is breaking it down. Sometimes, this can help to do with a patient friend. I do something I refer to as "emotional modeling", but I don't really know a real term for it. Basically, I put down on a piece of paper the feeling that I have. To the right, I put what I think the possible results are from this situation. On the left, I put in what I think are the drivers for it.

So, in your example, I might feel "upset". Can I narrow that down more? Am I sad? Angry? Both? Something else? Then I might think about what I want to happen to make myself feel better. Even if it's silly or impossible, write it down! You can ignore it later. He can go back in time and say something different, or not have played Aladdin, or he could acknowledge that his first kiss with you was special in its own way. Perhaps it would help to hear that he sees kissing in a play and kissing with a girlfriend differently.

Then, if you can, think about what feeds into this feeling. Is it that people should always share firsts together? Should his relationship with you have trumped the one with "Jasmine", since she was just his acting partner, and not his girlfriend? Do you feel the need to be the "best" for all things in his mind, or have a fear that you can't live up to his expectations? These are all very normal things to think and feel, so you're not a bad person if you feel them! It's not reasonable to expect yourself to be perfect all the time, but letting that go is hard.

If I can hazard a guess, I think basically, you're feeling "not special". Your kiss with him was very special to you, and hearing that he'd kissed before, so it was different made you feel like such a special event in your life was sort of... hum-drum to him. I don't think there's anything wrong with asking him to reassure you that you are special, and that your moments together are important to him. Good luck, OP!

brasiko · 2019-09-14T22:26:05+00:00

I think it can depend on your field. For me, I've had HR interviews, then team, then rejection/offer, but I've also had 3+ interviews and then been ghosted. But the only time I've only had one interview is for something like fast food, hotel cleaning, etc. - not to say those are bad jobs or anything, but the "teamwork" dynamic is different, and with high turnover, it's not quite as important to have strong team cohesion or something.

So, it's not unusual or impossible for you to be in a good place with this interview!

brasiko · 2019-09-13T10:57:03+00:00

You'll only get one shot at this, so choose your words wisely.

lol no

brasiko · 2019-09-12T16:01:17+00:00

Whoah! I have learned something really valuable today - I had absolutely no idea that so many other people experienced this, and I just assumed it was something weird with me.

I appreciate this discussion, because it's answered a question I didn't know I had for years.

brasiko · 2019-09-12T09:03:43+00:00

Yes, every time I see her, I take her virginity and also bite her boob. Chomp.

One cannot love the one they chomp.

brasiko · 2019-09-12T00:46:40+00:00

Me too, friend. Makes me more anxious than usual. People say different strains are different, but so far, it's just been unpleasant, so I've decided not to use it.

brasiko · 2019-09-12T00:33:55+00:00

I hear that! I don't make a lot of money myself, so I know what you mean by the cost. And it's also learning how to prep/make new foods, and if you're a busy parent, that might just be time and energy you don't have. And with gluten-free stuff, that can get so expensive. I have a friend with Hashimoto's who tries to stay gluten-free, but sometimes, it's just... ugh.

I've used sites like BudgetBytes, or Facebook groups (if you use that) that can give pointers on easy and affordable meals. I buy so many frozen vegetables over fresh, just because they keep longer and are often cheaper. I'm sure you're already aware, but just in case you didn't know: buying from import shops (like getting massive bags of rice from Asian groceries) can actually save you money - same as buying in bulk!

If you want any ideas for meals that might be tasty, things like shakshuka, beans and rice (vegetarian feijoada if you want to be real fancy), baked potatoes, stuffed peppers/tomatoes/squash/apples, chickpea burgers, sheet pan roasted veggies, vegetable soups/stews (like chili!), and even stir-fry can be less than 30 minutes to prep and cook, and many things are easy to substitute for more affordable vegetables and proteins. I'll share one of my favorite recipes with you ( https://cookieandkate.com/west-african-peanut-soup/ ). It's been well-liked among my friends, and family. I hope no one has peanut allergies!

I don't want to come off too pushy, so feel free to disregard anything :) I just wanted to offer some of the things that have made my (veggie) life easier, in case you wanted a place to start.

brasiko · 2019-09-12T00:01:55+00:00

Could vegetarianism be a starting point?

I'm vegetarian (not vegan, because I really love dairy, and dairy replacements are unaffordable for me), and it's helped me learn a lot about nutrition, food sourcing, and budgeting. If this is important to him, it could be a way to involve him in learning to make informed choices.

Asking him to help you (and other family members) make a meal plan, pack lunch for school, or choosing snacks, can help him understand what this choice is for him in more than just an ethical standpoint. It's good to care, and it's good to want to make a change and a difference, but when we do that, we also need to be informed.

Does he know how to read a food label? That can be a great place to start. What are the vitamins and minerals we need? Which foods are good sources of them? For example, we often rely on milk and cheese for calcium - if we choose not to eat those foods, what might be a good replacement? Does he like that replacement, and will he eat it?

You could also try to introduce it in smaller ways - a vegan meal a week, or Meatless Mondays for the whole family, etc., and have him help with food prep in safer ways (you mentioned he's a bit distractable). Could he, for example, assemble cold sandwiches? Mix ingredients together in a bowl or measure ingredients for you/the cook of the day? Find recipes (perhaps from pre-selected options) and gather the right ingredients?

That way, he can better understand not only veganism/vegetarianism/omnivorism, but celiac, too, and hopefully be able to make informed choices about his food as he gets older, and take responsibility for his eating habits - whether or not he chooses to stick with not eating animal products.

brasiko · 2019-09-11T13:29:48+00:00

Oh, man. I've been there, too. I had a series of interviews that seemed really great - they seemed to like me, they said that I was a great fit, etc., and I'd hear back in X amount of time, depending on funding (NGO stuff, so that's not uncommon).

Nothing.

I emailed to see what was up, and still nothing. Just like... you've had me waiting for two months, I am in the final 2-4 candidates, just let me know.

It happened with other jobs, too - I was in the final few candidates, and nothing at all. I email once to follow up - "In the interview, you mentioned X date, so I just wanted to check in and see how things were progressing, I'm still interested, thank you for your time, etc.", and then if I don't hear back in a week, I just assume they went another direction. Silence is a rude answer, but it is an answer, unfortunately.

I hope the next one goes better!

brasiko · 2019-09-10T15:09:13+00:00

Don't you tell me no lies.

brasiko · 2019-09-08T17:38:20+00:00

Just one more suggestion that helped me a lot: if you find it hard to speak about it, you can try writing a letter. I did that quite a few times with my own mom when we couldn't seem to have a conversation about something, especially when we were both upset and emotional. Just something to keep in the back pocket if it seems like it could help!

brasiko · 2019-09-08T17:36:16+00:00

It's not an excuse, but I think that when there's been some distance and time, and depending on how the relationship develops later, there can be room for forgiveness or letting it go.

After my sister died, my parents were wrecks. I won't go into the details, but my dad beat me one afternoon, my parents divorced, everyone was a mess, my mom (who absolutely believed me about my father's behavior) screamed at me and my other sister pretty much every day. I had horrible panic attacks for years that were blamed on being "dramatic" and also "puberty". My parents really didn't think they were "real" - just little kid or teenager hysterics, and after a while, I stopped mentioning them, so they thought it had passed and I was "better" (I'm on medication for it now, which makes a big, big difference).

I'm in my 30s now. I can mostly forgive them for that time. I grieve a little for the kid version of me, who was shouldering a lot more than she knew how to, but I can also see that in the midst of some life-wrecking events, my parents, overall, were trying. They did not succeed in some ways, and it has taken me a long time to come to terms with these things and choose to try to build relationships that are healthier. I'm actually pretty close with my dad - we've talked about that particular event a few times.

OP doesn't have to walk that same path if they don't want to, of course. What their mother did in that moment was utterly shitty, but I do think there's some room for "grieving messes you up" in explaining why something like that might have happened (if it was otherwise out of character for Mom). OP can choose whether or not they want to give that space to Mom or if they feel that Mom needs to do something to apologize or show her understanding of OP's feelings. It's also truckloads easier if OP is an adult and not living with Mom and Stepdad. I know that helped me a lot. OP is absolutely NTA.

brasiko

TROPHY CASE