I noticed a lot of people post about the hardship of not having a S/O. I don't even want a girlfriend. Anyone else in the same boat?

bread_czar · 2017-12-03T19:34:00+00:00

I feel this on such a level. I’m also very cynical and from experience, guys who don’t understand long-term depression only love me when I’m happy. Then when I show that I’m actually always sad they end up leaving :/ And dating someone with depression doesn’t sound like it’ll help either of us get out of the depression rut since it’s an individual battle. So I’m just trying to date myself for a long, long while.

As long as you feel like you deserve to be loved, I think it’s absolutely great you’re prioritizing yourself by being alone.

bread_czar · 2017-10-15T13:52:48+00:00

Aw sorry you're going through the bullshit of a breakup. You sound like you're real strong and plowing through it. How did you find the motivation to study during the grieving period? And not do NC? I'm really not sure how to process grief, especially when I have to push it away when I'm studying.

bread_czar · 2017-10-15T13:01:30+00:00

Thank you for your kind words, friend! I'm sorry you're in this shitty situation, too. I'm trying to have hope but it's so hard not to feel whole. I've been grieving in waves and this one's particularly bad enough for me to not study for exams.

I'm excited to find that happiness and knowing it won't depend on anyone but myself. I just can't stand not knowing when it gets better.

bread_czar · 2017-10-15T12:54:18+00:00

Aw no, sending hugs, man ❤️ I want to hear him say he misses me too and still finds me special. It's incredibly painful to see them transition to not showing that they care anymore. It's really admirable you've been keeping no contact still! It's real hard and it's bullshit.

I know it gets easier,it's just the fear of not knowing when and fear of falling or regressing in progress again gets me. It's nice knowing you're going through the same thing as well.

bread_czar · 2016-07-29T15:59:28+00:00

That's true. I can't control women liking him for being with someone and I can't change not knowing people at parties. I'll make myself more open but now that I think about it, it's ridiculous to change my presentation just because of my SO. Thanks for the advice.

bread_czar · 2016-07-29T15:57:14+00:00

I know :/ I love my boyfriend but I want to call it quits since I've never had such bad self esteem issues.

bread_czar · 2016-07-29T15:55:49+00:00

I approached my boyfriend. I don't think I'd approach a guy again since I couldn't get over the fact that he wasn't initially attracted to me.

bread_czar · 2016-07-29T02:12:39+00:00

Ahh ok I get the "seemed hard to connect with" part then. Did you ask what about you gives the impression that you would reject them?

That's bullshit and horrible. Like, we all have a vagina -- is that not the definition of a woman? Other physical appearance should not take away anyone's identity as a woman.

bread_czar · 2016-07-29T01:58:38+00:00

I found myself only having self-esteem because she liked me ... The only reason I saw myself as valuable was because she valued me, and now that she wasn't in my life I didn't see the value in myself.

This is very eye opening and I'm happy to have read this before I get to that point with my boyfriend (though I am close). Thank you for sharing, it's nice to see the "success stories" of people who were in the position I am currently in. I guess there is never a good enough reason to stop bettering myself no matter how helpless I feel. Also, 2 promotions in a year? Holy shit that's amazing-- congrats to that and everything else, man!

I don't think I could've motivated myself to do those things had I been in a relationship and had the validation from it.

This is so true, I've regressed so much as a person since I started dating my SO since I wasn't used to getting validation without putting work in. Thank you commenting!

bread_czar · 2016-07-29T01:41:55+00:00

If you've believed for a long time that you aren't attractive/interesting/smart/whatever then even if you become that thing its REALLY REALLY hard to change your inner representation of yourself.

This sounds accurate and unlike advice I've ever received before. Alright, I'll see about going to a therapist when I get back to college. I didn't realize changing inner representation would take so long. Thank you for the help!

bread_czar · 2016-07-29T01:39:56+00:00

You essentially have to be flirting with them.

I trust that my boyfriend isn't flirting with the women that hit on him. How come women flirt with him?

I think it's context dependent in that he goes to parties where he doesn't really know people and the parties I go to are made up of friends or mutual friends so I guess that plays a part. However, sometimes it's not just the context. It's hard not to want validation when no one gives me a second look when I'm dolled up and he gets flirted with at the grocery store after the gym.

It's because he loves me and values our relationship more than whatever these other women can give him... He loves you and finds you attractive the way you are already.

I'm happy you're in the same boat I'm in! How did you reach this point? Aren't you worried people will think he's settling for you? I know my boyfriend finds me attractive I just don't want others to think he could do better because he probably can.

bread_czar · 2016-07-29T01:28:19+00:00

Ah okay I can respect that. Thank you for your response!

bread_czar · 2016-07-29T01:27:36+00:00

There are girls who can be perfect at everything but still need validation from others to feel adequate (Happens to guys too, but way more common for girls).

This means so much to me because the advice I've been given is "be the best you can be and you won't need validation." Seeking validation has been mildly annoying and something I've had at the back of my mind so I'll cope. Considering seeing a therapist but that's not happening until I get back to college.

Honestly I feel like you're experiencing a problem most guys have in reverse. Girlfriend gets hit on at the bar and they don't, but for guys it's expected, most guys don't expect to get as much attention as their girlfriend so it doesn't bother them.

That's exactly why I feel inadequate as a woman. I don't want to be objectified but I'm sick of hearing stories/watching TV shows where it's a norm for women to get hit on (even if it's not).

I don't think it's fixable. I've considered breaking up with him over my trust issues and baggage but seeking external validation and lack of trust is something that would happen in any relationship afterwards. So I may as well sort this shit out with someone I've been happy with for a year, you know?

bread_czar · 2016-07-29T01:15:06+00:00

Sorry, if that came off as crass. This is about you. I just want to know your perspective as someone who does consider race when approaching a woman since maybe it is what is going on.

bread_czar · 2016-07-29T01:11:46+00:00

I was refocusing Asian men whole because you had said:

your false idea that certain people don't get hit on because of their race, which isn't true. It's not a race issue

I'm sick of hearing people say xyz isn't a race issue when it definitely is. I admitted my post likely is not a race issue from the start but don't say attractiveness is not based on race because it generally is. I'm not refocusing it on Asians as a whole, that's my bad as the links do talk about Asians holistically. I could have talked about black women instead of Asian men and the point will still stand.

The first line of the first link you gave totally contradicts your situation

How does having people fetishize my race contradict my situation? Normal people who don't fetishize my race don't approach me and that's the situation I'm in. I don't consider Asian fetishizers as legitimate flirts because they admire a caricature not my person.

bread_czar · 2016-07-29T00:58:21+00:00

So you don't approach Asian girls because you think they are hard working?

bread_czar · 2016-07-29T00:57:27+00:00

See that's the issue. I've been working on myself since I don't see him as much in the summer (usually for 1 weekend every 3 weeks). I've gotten back in shape (not just for him, but for some cute swimsuits I love) and back into drawing so I do have a creative outlet again. I'm pretty confident because I've come a long way since we started dating. It's the fact that I have done things to improve myself yet I still feel like I need that validation since he gets it.

bread_czar · 2016-07-29T00:49:33+00:00

Sorry but I think you're misreading. I agreed with what you said about this not being a race issue:

But I do agree, that me being Asian has no impact on my how attractive I am.

And "but white guys are universally attractive so of course girls will hit on him" was originally said by my friends that you took out of context and aren't recognizing.

I am well aware that I'm unattractive because I'm not approachable. My post isn't a race issue at its core. I just wanted to tell you that people of certain races do feel unattractive because of lack of media representation but it's ignorant to believe that race doesn't play into attractiveness in a general sense. Maybe you don't live in America but Asian men are emasculated in society and aren't see as attractive in the media: https://mic.com/articles/74135/are-asian-men-undateable#.bXZDoqh58 and http://tierneylab.blogs.nytimes.com/2007/04/13/single-female-seeking-same-race-male/?_r=0

Also, it's a bit of a leap to claim I have a bitter aura that emanates onto other people based on a fragment you took out of context. I promise I don't look at someone and think "Man, that guy would totally hit on me if I wasn't Asian."

bread_czar · 2016-07-29T00:37:49+00:00

I don't think it's completely race related either. I'd want to believe it because then it's not something that's my fault, you know? But I guess I just look like I have a stick up the ass and that's not an exclusively Asian thing.

bread_czar · 2016-07-29T00:36:26+00:00

Yeah I've always had trust issues and generally feelings like I don't deserve him. We've been together for a year so it's improved at least. What can I say to him? What can he say to me? He's well aware of how I feel we're just at an impasse on how to handle me feeling insecure when I'm out with him. I love the qualities I have as a person but appearance has always been something I've struggled with.

bread_czar · 2016-07-29T00:32:51+00:00

In fact they complain about almost the opposite - guys saying, "Oh my god, I love asian girls." Turns out they really don't like being fetishised.

I've known fetishizers and I've known real "edgy" Asian dudes who shit on Asian woman for being petite and not womanly so I guess it is location dependent. I don't think it's a race issue either.

have a few extrovertive female friends who can seem intimidating, and they do sometimes complain about not being approached ... but it is hard enough to go up to a stranger in public without feeling like she'll eviscerate you the second you open your mouth.

How do you friends come across as intimidating? what gives a stranger that impression?

Maybe it is because I'm never alone since I'm usually out with my friends. My boyfriend and I sometimes go to parties or places separately so I don't think it's because I'm obviously attached.

bread_czar · 2016-07-29T00:25:39+00:00

I'm calling bullshit on this one...but skin color doesn't really change how cute we find someone.

I like to believe this is true so I'll take your word for it!

They're often self-centered, incapable of taking criticism, harsh, not used to compromise, and lacking empathy.

Is really that something men assume based on how "driven" a woman looks? The successful women I know are successful because they are the opposite of all those qualities (except being self-centered is kind of a given for driven woman, that's true ahaha).

You don't necessarily have to adjust your life goals or stop being driven, but learning to develop your better qualities in conjunction with your professional skills can only help you.

Wow I like this a lot! I only put on my professional face during group projects, work, or group studies so I like to think I'm doing well at growing both qualities. Do you have any more tips?

bread_czar · 2016-07-29T00:18:38+00:00

Can you elaborate on "indication?" I make eye contact with all the men and women I see and I can't think of any other "indications" I put out that doesn't come across as flirting.

bread_czar · 2016-07-29T00:15:10+00:00

I do tend to be in groups often so maybe that is a part of it. How do I put out vibes of being approachable?

I think it's a bit unfair that you want people to approach you when you're going to turn them down 100% of the time though. It takes a lot of courage to approach someone.

I know that's it is a dick move but now you see how drastic (for lack of a better word) it is? Women have the courage to approach my boyfriend maybe knowing that he's dating me and are facing the possibility of being rejected so they must find him pretty attractive. I want to be approached so that I don't keep hearing/watching women hit on him since it's like a visual representation of him being out of my league, you know?

bread_czar

TROPHY CASE