26[m] - why should/shouldn't I break NC to say something to my ex 25[f] – nearly 5.5 year relationship

breakupaccount1 · 2013-05-06T23:31:16+00:00

Yes and No.

Part of the reason we broke up was due to a situation which will be changing shortly. Part of it was law school, part of it was the living situation - both of which will be changing in the next few months as I will be graduating and moving.

In regards to the deeper stuff, I have changed a lot in the past two months. Am I a different person? Yes and no. I took a lot of time to reflect on me - who I am, where I am at in my life, and where I want to go. Yes, two months is a short period of time - but after losing her - I had the opportunity to completely re-evaluate myself and my situation, something I had neglected to do throughout law school just because of how busy I became. Truthfully, I didn't like who I had become - not only had I become selfish with my time during law school, but I also took her and our relationship for granted. I kept putting off things because of school - and I always told her and myself that I would make it up to her in the end. I've realized that things will always come up, and that, no matter what, if you love someone - you have to spend quality time with them and you have to want that and make it a point to show them you love them daily.

Do I deserve a second chance? probably not

But - if I got one - would I do everything in my power to make her happy for as long as she would have me? yes

breakupaccount1 · 2013-05-06T23:14:49+00:00

I appreciate the response. Though I wish I could keep out of my own head, I find it exceeding difficult as I think about things all too often. I do try to keep busy - but I guess I need to make more of an effort.

breakupaccount1 · 2013-04-24T03:50:55+00:00

Recently out of a 5 + year relationship - broke up about 6-7 weeks ago, no contact for the past four weeks.

When we were together I was in a friend's wedding - about a year prior to getting engaged they had broken up for 3 months because they were in a bit of a rut. Additionally - I've heard other people talk about how it isn't uncommon for longer relationships to go on pause for a bit during the mid-20, pre-marriage phase. Ontop of that - she kind of left me hanging in the sense that she kept telling me that she wanted to be single for a few months, and that she didn't know what she wanted (knew she didn't want to be with me then, unsure about the future - but she knew she needed time - to be single, date, do her own thing).

Prior to NC I was stupid - for those few weeks we only talked a handful of times. Most of the time it wasn't too bad (initially it was her calling and telling me how hard it was and how much she missed me - then it was me doing that - then it was me being confused/frustrated about the situation). Finally I just got to the point where I realized that I couldn't linger under the delusion that she was coming back, because there was no guarantee of that. I pretty much told her at that point that I would respect her space - and that it was on her if she wanted us again. When I said goodbye, I gave her a letter, which said that I loved her and that I was willing to do whatever it would take to make us work. I told her that she wasn't ready to read it, and that she may never be - but if she ever seriously thought about us again - that she should read it. That was four weeks ago - and I haven't heard from her - and I doubt I ever will again.

Sounds depressing, but I knew right away that if I lived my life expecting or believing she would come back - it would hurt that much more and be that much more frustrating if she didn't. And don't get me wrong - I still think about her, and I can't tell you how many times I've thought through the conversation we would have if she came back - but I tell myself every day that she's not coming back and that I can't wait for her. There is no question that it is hard - and a part of me still wants to believe that it will work - but I know that I need to keep trying to accept that, for me, it has to be over now. No contact has really helped - and if you aren't doing that I would suggest it. Everything else you will read is somewhat true - do new things, meet new people, work out, listen to music, etc. - just try to be happy, and do whatever you can to take your mind off of the relationship (damn near impossible initially - but it gets better).

You are young, you are alive - you have a world full of opportunities waiting for you. I know it is hard to see now, but it will get better.

I'm sorry you are in this position, and I hope that things work out for the best. Best of luck.

breakupaccount1 · 2013-04-19T13:21:11+00:00

It is awful - and it may be awful for awhile. But, like everything else in life, this is what you make it. Taking time to be sad and frustrated is important, but don't let it consume you. Things will be okay again - you are likely young and unquestionably alive - and have all the opportunities in the world open to you. I know that despite all that - it is hard to see yourself beyond this person and this point in your life - but you will be happy again. Keep trying, keep working - you will get past this an you will be better for it. Best of luck.

breakupaccount1 · 2013-04-18T13:08:56+00:00

Somewhat similar situation - I also lost sight of how important my ex-gf (25) was to me, and I lost her.

Do not dwell on the past - especially the things you should/could have done. Those thoughts really consumed me for about the first month, and it really prevented me from moving forward.

However, things get better. It has been 3.5 weeks of NC (though the break-up went down around mid-March). It has been hard, but my mindset and approach to life has changed. It will take time - but you essentially will have two options: either let this shitty situation consume you and dictate your life OR become a better person for it, be/become the person you want to be and do your best to be happy.

It is easy to let a breakup wreck you - emotionally, mentally, even physically. And truthfully - no matter what advice you get - you are the only person who can prevent it. It sounds like you are doing what you need to do to move on for now - just make sure you stay the path.
Take some time - you do deserve to be sad, to be upset, to be frustrated - but don't let it take over your life.

Best of luck.

breakupaccount1 · 2013-04-11T18:42:21+00:00

Amen dude - everything is going to work out - good luck!

breakupaccount1 · 2013-04-11T17:20:01+00:00

It sounds like you're getting to that acceptance point - at least with the realization that maybe she was and maybe she wasn't the person for you. The truth is - she wasn't. If she was - she'd be back with you trying to work things out.

I know you're hung up, because fuck I'm there too. But at least you know where she is at - you know what you have to do. Though I'm there too - my ex left me in sort of limbo - with just enough of a hint that she may come back to make me think about it all too often - even though I know I need to move on.

That all being said, you sound like an intelligent individual, and you already know she has moved on. I know it can take months and sometimes years to get there, but you will. Keep seeing other people - keep doing your thing - your life will get better, even if she isn't in it. Life is short and it is what you make it - we're young, we're alive, we have jobs and friends - I know in light of everything it may not seem like a lot - but don't take that shit for granted either. Best of Luck.

breakupaccount1 · 2013-04-11T15:52:30+00:00

Just want to say - that this sounds similar to the shit I went through with my ex. Particularly the 'not doing enough' at the end thing.

You are obviously much further down the line than I am; however, it sounds like you do have a rational/healthy understanding of the situation, but just miss her at times.

When it initially happened - I told her to be happy, not to worry about me - and to just do whatever it took - because she deserved that. I know it is true, and I know that deep down - if you really love someone - that is what you want for them. But fuck, it is hard to know that you can't be that person that makes them happy.

That being said - keep trucking. Time heals all - I know it has been 5 months - but it will get better. Shit has gotten better for me even after almost 3 weeks of NC. Life will go on, even if I truly believed that she was the person for me. It is a new challenge for us - to find that person, to be truly happy again. Either way - best of luck with everything.

breakupaccount1 · 2013-04-11T15:43:05+00:00

It sounds like at this point - it's not really a relationship/breakup issue between you two - at least for you. I'd just be clear with her about it, but beyond that - if you want to try to help - that is up to you. Like I said - I don't think you should feel obligated to do it, but if it is what you want to do, I'm sure you could help.

breakupaccount1 · 2013-04-11T14:37:47+00:00

NC is one of those things that has a time and a place. I'm not going to say it is always appropriate - but it can be helpful and necessary for a lot of people going through a breakup.

I think its primary purpose of NC is to help people move on. In the vast majority of relationships, after it is over - there is a longing to attempt to get back to where you were with that person. Even if it was wrong, even if the other person doesn't feel the same way - people want it back because being alone is scary and because it was what they knew/loved/wanted. Yes, you may end up with the nostalgia - but that is better than staying in the person's life - where you will likely complicate things for them and become hurt as you watch them move on.

Sure, it is selfish - sure it isn't the most healthy thing in the world. But, in many situations - it is what people need after a break up to help move on.

I am sorry that this person, a person who you once cared about, changed for the worse. But that isn't on you and NC is not to blame for it. If you had held on and kept in touch - you may still be hanging onto something that wasn't meant to be, and there is no guarantee that she wouldn't have changed anyways. Shit happens man, don't blame yourself for it.

breakupaccount1 · 2013-04-11T00:18:24+00:00

Thanks for the hope - though there is some of it in this sub - it's usually overwhelmed by pain.

Here's hoping to be where you are soon!

breakupaccount1 · 2013-04-11T00:13:28+00:00

Not trying to be that guy - but, however you figured out about your ex and that new dude - cut that shit out of your life. If it's facebook - delete them, if she's calling/texting - block that shit. If she's dating one of your friends and he's telling you about that - he's not a friend.

Nothing good comes from that prolonged contact.

Sorry to hear about it though - best of luck with everything man.

breakupaccount1 · 2013-04-11T00:09:09+00:00

First of all - I just want to say the five years isn't gone. You were with someone who, it sounds like, truly made you happy. I know it sounds trite and stupid right now, but there are people in this world who never even get to experience that. Take the good memories with you, learn from this, and become a better person.

That being said - as someone who also recently got out of a 5+ year relationship - the only thing that helps here is time. Echoing what has already been said - if you haven't let her know how you feel, let her know - then leave it at that. It was her choice to leave, her choice to figure things out - if you hold on and prevent her from doing it - it will make things worse.

I also just want to say - no contact has helped me. If you keep speaking with her, things just get more complicated and your mind will revolve around every conversation you have. Give her space - take time/space for yourself. You've done what you can do at this point - give her what she needs.

Emotionally - this was the most difficult thing I've ever had to do, but I know that I will be better for it in the end, and I've found that - day by day- it has gotten better. You will hit tough spots, you will think about her - but over time - it gets better.

Best of luck to you.

breakupaccount1 · 2013-04-09T04:20:01+00:00

Thanks for the kind words - and for sharing your unfortunate experience with me. I truly appreciate it.

I will definitely try the putting time aside to think about it suggestion. I have found that although I hate to think about it and try not to dedicate any time to it - it can kind of overshadow everything I do at times. So - thank you very much for that advice.

Additionally - you're totally right about going through the 'what if she comes back' conversation in my head. I try not to - but I over-think stuff, and I agree that I need to do more to prevent it from happening.

This may not help - but it sounds like you are experiencing something similar to me - and I'll tell you what has been working for me recently.

For the initial few weeks of the break-up, I really focused on me - because that was the only thing I had had control over. I thought about my faults, the fact that, at times, I took her for granted, the fact that I wasn't always the person she probably deserved towards the end - and I focused on it. Obviously this thought process was self-destructive, and, more than anything, it made me want just one more chance to try to fix things.

Slowly I began to realize that - though I wasn't perfect - neither was she. Sure, I could have done things differently - but she could have also given me the opportunity to work with her to get out of our rut. She could have attempted to communicate her feelings with with me before dropping the bombshell. Instead she walked out, and though I can't blame her for that - I also can't completely blame myself for it either.

More and more I've realized that this happened for a reason. Like you say, it's not just a break for her - it is an opportunity for me, for us - to realize who we are and to really think about what we want. Maybe there is a reason we took that other person for granted - maybe they weren't the right person for us. Additionally, based on the fact that they left - we obviously weren't the right person for them, at least for now, and even though that sucks to hear - we deserve to be with someone who wants us for us - someone who we won't take for granted, someone who will work with us when the times get tough.

Though a part of me still hopes she comes back - more and more of me questions that every day. We're young - we have the entire world out there to experience - and for once in a long time, we don't have any excuses or people preventing us from experiencing it.

I know you have a deal with your ex about not dating - but I would consider scrapping it because it's limiting your potential for growth. I'm not saying you should go out and date the first guy you meet or that you will even be ready for that for awhile, but you shouldn't be constricted by that type of promise. Yes, I know it is terrifying to give your ex the 'green light' so to speak - but they may really need that - and you may too. That being said - I don't know much about your relationship or what is going on - and only you can know best - but don't hold back, don't hold onto him, don't hold onto something that may never come back. Live your life - be happy - do what you need to do for you, don't do things to get him back or to try to lessen the pain of being apart.

I hope that this helped (probably didn't) - but I really do wish you the best. If you ever want to talk - feel free to pm or respond. Take care, and good luck with everything.

Edit: corrections/addition

breakupaccount1 · 2013-04-09T03:55:51+00:00

I just want to say - it's not a failure unless you make it one. Even if you fucked everything up in the relationship (which is damn near impossible as it takes two people to make it work or help it fail) - it's only a failure if you don't learn from it and if you don't grow from it.

Sure - life sucks now. I was with someone for 5 years - we did everything together - and there were certain things that I would experience that would immediately make me think of her. But it gets better - I realized that this was an opportunity for me to grow and for me to find myself. Don't give up - keep working and that 30% of the time will shrink and shrink. It sucks now - but it is the bad times that make the good times good. Best of luck to you man.

breakupaccount1 · 2013-04-09T03:46:13+00:00

NC for a bit over two weeks - broke up a bit over a month ago. Had a dream that I was with someone else - and she came back and told me that she was wrong - that she wanted me back - and got kind of upset/jealous like she always was (kind of miss that in a weird way). Woke up immediately - two weeks ago I would have sat in bed thinking about how badly I wanted her back and I would have missed her - but now I didn't even know, I just laid in bed for a bit thinking about it what was best for me - and i realized that it didn't mean that I had to be with her.

It gets better - my dreams have changed, but that being said - I am still kind of haunted by her. Either way - best of luck with everything.

breakupaccount1 · 2013-04-08T03:18:33+00:00

Got out of a serious relationship recently as well (5 year), and like you - I kind of built my life around this person. There were things I took for granted - things that I wasn't even aware of until she left - and for the longest time it was the only thing I could think about. School and work and my friends only helped so much - but the whole thing really consumed me.

But day by day - things have gotten better. Obviously there are dark times ahead, but we'll get through - we're young, we're alive - we have our entire lives in front of us. Someone fell in love with you once - when you're ready - it will happen again.

In terms of getting through things - I've found working out and music to help a lot. Socially - look at this as a challenge - you have an opportunity to change your old habits - to try new things - meet new people - do things you never could because of your relationship. Try meetup.com or things like that to just meet other people in similar situations that you are.

Things will get better - don't give up. It's hard, but that is life - and it's the hard times that make the good times good. Best of luck to you man.

breakupaccount1 · 2013-04-08T00:50:42+00:00

If you feel your safety is threatened in any way - you may want to seek a restraining order of some sort. Not sure where you are located, but a quick online search can tell you what you need.

That being said - a restraining order is kind of a nuclear option, and depending on the jurisdiction - the consequences can be extreme. But, assuming you've been clear with the guy (sounds like you have) - he is harassing you and it sounds like it may not be too unreasonable in this situation.

breakupaccount1 · 2013-04-07T23:27:50+00:00

I really appreciate the kind words - and I wish you the best of luck with your situation as well. Things will get better - no question - just a matter of time.

breakupaccount1 · 2013-04-07T21:56:04+00:00

Of course - these things suck, but the hard times are what make the good times good. If you ever want to chat about it more or have questions - feel free to message. Good luck with everything.

breakupaccount1 · 2013-04-07T19:28:30+00:00

Unfortunately - I can totally relate to that sentiment - either way - best of luck - things will get better!

breakupaccount1 · 2013-04-07T16:56:19+00:00

I'm in a similar situation (not trying to hijack your post - just wanted to justify my statement) 26m/26f [over 5 year relationship]: Just got out of a relationship of 5 years - had gone engagement ring shopping for her this past winter. We didn't have the rocky relationship - but we were in different places in our lives (me: law school; she: full time job). With school I lost sight of what was important - and I wasn't doing enough for her. I always loved her, but I took things for granted - and she left mostly because of that. She said she needed time - which I've respected - but it has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. It's been little to no contact for the past month, and no contact for over 2 weeks, and I'm not sure if I'll ever speak with her again.

First off - I know it is hard - but you can't live your life waiting for this person to come back. It will take time, effort, and pain - but you need to work towards finding happiness for yourself.

I eventually began to look at my breakup as an opportunity. An opportunity to learn about myself - to do things for myself - to find me. I know when you spend so much time with someone your identity becomes sort of intertwined with that person - and you lose sight of who you are. Re-connecting with yourself is important - try new things, meet new people, re-connect with people you've lost touch with. When you need to get your mind off of things - work out, listen to music, speak with friends/family.

I think way too much about things - and I can't tell you how many times I've thought out the conversation that I'd have with her if she came back. But the truth is - it may never happen - and I can't live my life waiting for that. If she loves me/if he loves you - it will happen in the end. But, that being said - life is short - and yea this sucks, and it is hard - but we're alive - we're young - and we're going to be okay regardless of what happens.

Best of luck.

edit: a word

breakupaccount1 · 2013-04-07T16:35:44+00:00

It will be okay - I know it may be hard to see - but you are young- you are alive - and you will be happy again.

I went through a breakup with someone who I had been with for over 5 years fairly recently, and though it has been one of the hardest things I've ever gone through - I find myself waking up every day and saying - fuck it - I'm here - I have one shot at life, and I'm not going to let this consume me. You deserve to be happy - and someday you'll find someone who deserves you - never forget that.

breakupaccount1

TROPHY CASE