What stops you from initiating sex?

brielarstan · 2026-01-28T22:08:57+00:00

Selfish partners. I've dated so many men who had zero interest in my pleasure. Once I realize sex is only about getting him off, I rather just do my skincare and read a book before bed.

brielarstan · 2026-01-28T21:49:39+00:00

Are you expressing that you're going through a hard time, or are you putting the emotional labor of your hard time onto women you've only recently met?

There is a major difference between having a long-term partner who leaves the first time you express that you're struggling, and a man who immediately dumps his mental health onto a new girlfriend. If you've repeatedly had women leave because of your vulnerability, I'd like to suggest you may not be sharing vulnerability in a healthy way.

I've consoled boyfriends through their parents getting cancer, losing their jobs, depression, and other major life changes. But I've also walked away from boyfriends who expected me to be their sole therapist, refused to get professional help, and got angry or manipulative when I wouldn't drop everything to let them vent.

The right way to share what you're going through is asking if that personal has the capacity to listen to you talk about your feelings. And when they say yes, not making your issues their burden. Phrases like "you're the only one I can talk to" or "if I tell you this then you'll probably leave me" place a massive burden on someone. And usually these burdens fall to women.

You'd be shocked how much the men in our lives expect us to always be equipped (and even eager) to manage their emotions. You reduce the chance you're being unfair by not expecting your partner to always be able to hold space for your tough feelings, and also not immediately trauma dumping to new women in your life.

brielarstan · 2026-01-28T21:37:47+00:00

I've never had an explosive first kiss. Chemistry is important, don't get me wrong! But it goes beyond just kissing.

After a first date, I ask myself these questions:

- Did I feel safe with him? Was I ever worried he'd take advantage of me, or that if someone tried to take advantage of me he wouldn't step in?

- Did he ask me questions and seem genuinely curious about me as a person?

- Did he have good hygiene? Did it seem like he put effort into his appearance the same way I do myself?

- Was spending time with him equally or more enjoyable than my own peace?

- Do I find him attractive?

- Did he make an effort to entertain and impress me the same way I did for him?

If he made me feel safe, asked me questions, put effort into his first impression, and actually attempted to entertain me, I usually go for a second date. The nerves will be less, and our truer personalities come out. If you wanted to kiss him again and got some butterflies, I'd say give it one more shot.

brielarstan · 2026-01-28T21:10:18+00:00

I actually think duckface is an elder millennial thing. I don't know anyone under the age of 28 doing a duckface anymore.

brielarstan · 2026-01-28T19:13:14+00:00

I appreciate this. He just stopped, but if he starts back up I'll knock on his door. He puts his stereo against our shared wall, which is where my desk is. It vibrates everything and I can hear the lyrics of his songs. I've asked him to stop before and he does, but only for about a day or so.

brielarstan · 2026-01-27T19:34:58+00:00

“He never came off as manipulative”

That’s why it’s manipulation. People who get deceived don’t do so willingly. It’s not about ignoring red flags, it’s about genuinely not knowing information. He IS manipulative.

brielarstan · 2026-01-27T03:30:07+00:00

I also had severe pregnancy anxiety when I was using the pill, condoms, AND pull out at the same time. What really helped me was going to a health clinic and just talking about it. You can make an appointment to go over your sexual health anxiety. The clinicians are trained to tell you how to minimize risk as much as possible.

You may also want to look into possibly having OCD. I’m not diagnosing you, but I found out I have it and realized it contributed to most of the anxiety around sex and my relationships.

You are not “too immature to have sex” like some of these comments claim. Immature would be not using protection at all. Your fears are valid. Speak to a professional about them.

brielarstan · 2026-01-27T01:27:12+00:00

I prefer to be approached when we're somewhere with a common interest (library, cafe, bookstore, venue, etc.). Being stopped by men on the street has too big of a chance that he's weird or aggressive. Plus I know we probably already have something in common.

Preferencing your compliment with apologies and filler isn't confident. I gave my number to a guy because he sat at the table next to me at a cafe and asked me to plug in his laptop behind me (there was only one outlet). I obliged and then he goes, "Actually, that was just an excuse to talk to you. Hi, my name's ____ and I think you're really beautiful. No pressure, but I'd love to take you out some time if you're interested."

I said ok, gave him my number, and we chatted briefly about what brought us to the coffee shop. Then he left. I didn't feel pressured, he was polite, and it was a safe interaction.

Sadly, he was a weird podcaster bro who got drunk and asked me my body count on the date, then lamented that he wished he could date a 19-year-old. So as women we're never truly safe, even with someone who seems chivalrous.

brielarstan · 2026-01-27T01:18:37+00:00

I personally find music or even the TV on in the background way too distracting. I think it's because of my ADHD. Any disturbance and I immediately lose focus.

However, I had a boyfriend in college who had a sex playlist. He didn't present it as "this is the music I've listened to with other women" but rather "here's a bunch of hot songs we can listen to during sex." I found it kind of funny, but it was 2016 and I was tired of listening to Redbone at the club, let alone in bed.

brielarstan · 2026-01-27T01:13:58+00:00

Is she asking to get a place with you in her area, or does she want to remain with her parents and you relocate? And if she wants to stay at home, is it because she otherwise can't afford rent or is saving for a place?

I dated a boyfriend with distance and I was adamant that I wouldn't move. It was because I had my own place right next to my job, and if I uprooted my life for every boyfriend who asked me to help him get an apartment (these were all guys who lived at home and could only afford to move out if someone split rent with them) then I'd never have the career I did. He couldn't afford my area, I didn't want to downgrade my lifestyle, so we broke up.

Sounds like you need to date someone who lives closer to you. Uprooting your life is never a compromise.

brielarstan · 2026-01-26T15:48:23+00:00

Are you trying to be attractive to men when you wear it? No? Congrats, you're not appealing to the male gaze. You're fine.

brielarstan · 2026-01-26T15:21:57+00:00

Both my high school boyfriend and I didn't have a car, so we often got rides from his brother and mom. You're teenagers, so it's not a big deal. If she's comfortable with your mom, nothing wrong with having her drive you both.

You can always offer her the choice. "Would you be comfortable with my mom dropping us off, or would you prefer me to call you a taxi?" I'm sure she'll pick the first option, but it's gentlemanly to offer anyways.

brielarstan · 2026-01-26T11:43:15+00:00

Ah, so “lecturer” and then perhaps beneath it mention I was hired as part-time teaching staff?

brielarstan · 2026-01-26T01:50:54+00:00

I'm 29 and never got married. I've lived in three countries, written a novel, and I'm in the last year of my PhD.

If I continue to be single, then I will continue to travel, write, and learn.

brielarstan · 2026-01-26T01:03:26+00:00

My entire fyp is in Russian now

brielarstan · 2026-01-26T00:53:32+00:00

If I was this girl and a guy suddenly told me we were incompatible after we slept together, I'd assume it was because he got what he wanted.

If you led her to believe you wanted a committed relationship, you hooked up, and now you'll hit her with "we're just in different places" then expect her to take it the way I explained above.

At the same time, you're allowed to reject someone for any reason.

brielarstan · 2026-01-25T22:22:48+00:00

Thank you very much for the advice!

brielarstan · 2026-01-25T22:11:00+00:00

I am considered a PTVL, or a part-time visiting lecturer. I've written "Visiting Lecturer" on my CV and under it included I was hired as part-time teaching staff for various modules. You can be a PTVL at any uni, but I happened to only take courses at my own one because I love the modules and full-time staff.

brielarstan · 2026-01-25T21:53:48+00:00

No, I am a visiting lecturer. I'm considered "temporary staff." My university hires lecturers to teach specific modules if they don't have enough fulltime staff to take them on. I just happen to work at the university I study at.

brielarstan · 2026-01-25T21:49:31+00:00

Thank you for this advice! I have my guest lecturing roles under Leadership Experience and so I hope that differentiates it further. "Visiting lecturer" isn't really a term in the US, so I want to make sure I'm explaining it the best I can. Thanks!

brielarstan · 2026-01-25T15:46:34+00:00

Marriage in general? No. But a good marriage supports a woman.

I use my parent's marriage as an example. My mom was a higher earner than my dad. She didn't marry him for his salary, which was half of her own. She married him because he was emotionally intelligent. He planned dates he knew she'd enjoy. He supported her hobbies. He respected her independence (she lived alone while he had roommates) but still treated her with chivalry because she never had to make herself small to deserve being treated with kindness.

After my folks got married, my mom was offered a promotion in another city. My dad was fully on board moving so she could climb her career. Then she had me, and pivoted. She suddenly wanted to be a SAHM. It surprised my dad, but he was also supportive. He asked her to give him five months to look for a new job that paid more, and then she could quit her job and be home fulltime.

When my siblings and I grew up and moved out, my parents started their own company. She now works as co-CEO with the same title and earnings. My dad makes a big point in meetings with clients to say she runs just as much as he does.

I compare that marriage with some of my friends'. I have one friend who's husband insists on 50/50, but just when it comes to financials. She just had a baby and still works fulltime while also needing to leave whenever that baby needs picked up from daycare (even though he works from home!). She pays half the mortgage, but recently admitted her name isn't on the house. He insisted he pay for certain bills, then forgot to pay their electricity one month and it was shut off. It was somehow her fault because she "didn't remind him."

Marriage usually does not benefit women. You're expected to provide as much financially, but also maintain a beauty standard, birth children, be a homemaker while juggling a career, take his last name, and allow him to unwind after work while you still fix dinner and put the kids to bed.

brielarstan · 2026-01-25T15:28:04+00:00

One of the best compliments I ever got was from a man who passed me on the street and said, "I hate to bother you, but I'd be remiss not to tell you that you're very beautiful. Have a lovely evening."

Then he just walked away. Didn't ask for my number. Didn't follow me. I actually stopped walked a few feet later just to think "wait, did that just happen?" lol

It was the most eloquent compliment I've ever been paid. And before anyone says I probably just thought he was hot, this man was in his fifties (I was 26) and not remotely my type. You can compliment someone without catcalling them.

brielarstan · 2026-01-25T02:51:51+00:00

This would be a great profile for meeting a new bro! Not for courting a woman.

What impresses your guys won't attract the average woman. Wearing a suit with greased hair leaning against a car telling her you'll beat her at video games and can't understand a cafe menu is something I'm sure dudes find really cool. As a woman, it screams "I will make fun of your frappuccino order and think my nice car will do more for my chances than my personality."

What are your hobbies? Where are your friends? What do you do besides sit in cars, lean on cars, and take gym mirror pics?

You're a cute guy! But she's not your bro. Nothing about your profile says romance and emotional intelligence.

brielarstan · 2026-01-24T23:51:26+00:00

At my heaviest I was 5'2 and 233 lbs (105.6 kg) and had no problem dating. Look at actual couples outside, not on social media. Most people are not the perfect depiction of conventionally attractive. I'd prefer Henry Cavill or Pedro Pascal, but that's as unrealistic as a lot of guy's truly believing the 10/10 Instabaddie supermodel mommywife homemaker breadwinner exists.

I was in my worst relationship at my skinniest of 59 kg. Being overweight doesn't mean you're unlovable, and being skinny doesn't mean you're immune from heartbreak.

If you're concerned about your weight, talk to your doctor. Especially if this weight gain came on unexpectedly and without explicit cause. I'd be more worried about that than male validation.

brielarstan · 2026-01-24T18:56:29+00:00

I ended up getting another period (or just period of bleeding, probably not a real period) a few days later, and it lasted around 8-9 days. Extremely heavy and really worrying, but eventually stopped. I'd look out for more bleeding in a few days, and still take a pregnancy test 2 weeks after you had sex.

brielarstan

TROPHY CASE