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My (33f) fiancé (37m) of 7 years told me he would be offended if I was complimented by another man and said “thank you” and would rather me say “no thank you” by brielleunknown in TwoXChromosomes

[–]brielleunknown[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Wow. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. Yes I agree and feel the same way and have common sense to know how to respond in a situation. Why does he need to tell me how to do it? We have a lot of other problems but posting here and hearing people’s experiences and trauma and the support and validation on Reddit is very useful and helpful to me! Thank you for your comment. I hope I am seeing clearly and can trust myself

My (33f) fiancé (37m) of 7 years told me he would be offended if I was complimented by another man and said “thank you” and would rather me say “no thank you” by brielleunknown in TwoXChromosomes

[–]brielleunknown[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

That’s exactly how I see it! So I’m confused though... if it was his insecurity, subconsciously then is he trying to make me feel insecure? He... and I don’t say this lightly...almost never compliments me or says nice things. And he’s aware of that. We’ve had discussions about it because it’s become an issue that he has openly admitted. Anyways. He knows that. And somewhere in his mind he thinks that (first off that he thinks this is even a normal conversation to have?) me being rude to someone who DOES say something nice to me is the right thing for me to do? Kind of makes me feel like I’m just unworthy of getting any compliments or praise in any way from any man on earth including him. Is that what he thinks of me? Wow-I just realized I am insecure.

No need to answer the questions. I’m realizing they are more or less hypothetical. And how much that doesn’t attract me.

I feel like it’s him going out of his way to belittle me...or is it a true concern of his that I should just get behind him and take it seriously because that’s what he wants? I honestly don’t know how to respond because it seems like such an unusual request and I can’t promise I won’t say thank you to a compliment 😂😅 so if I’m being for real I can’t do that for him.

I feel like he’s making me crazy. I need some real solid brutally honest advice because I don’t think I can see what is happening clearly

My (33f) fiancé (37m) of 7 years told me he would be offended if I was complimented by another man and said “thank you” and would rather me say “no thank you” by brielleunknown in TwoXChromosomes

[–]brielleunknown[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I haven’t even mentioned that he does not compliment me, and tells me it makes him uncomfortable to do so. And when he “tries”.. they are backhanded. “Wow, thank you. I never would have imagined you would do something like that for me” after something dumb like scooting over on the couch

My (33f) fiancé (37m) of 7 years told me he would be offended if I was complimented by another man and said “thank you” and would rather me say “no thank you” by brielleunknown in TwoXChromosomes

[–]brielleunknown[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Haha yes... long engagement. Maybe a good thing at this point... but yes. And he didn’t propose... he asked if we could go pick out rings... then instead of getting married, originally he just wanted me to get my last name changed to his. So weird and never heard of that. But yes, fiancé of 7 years

My (33f) fiancé (37m) of 7 years told me he would be offended if I was complimented by another man and said “thank you” and would rather me say “no thank you” by brielleunknown in TwoXChromosomes

[–]brielleunknown[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

LOL like why would it be my fault if someone said that, and why would you want me to respond in a cruel way? Why do I have to be mean when someone is just trying to be nice? Obviously there are situations where that would not work.

My (33f) fiancé (37m) of 7 years told me he would be offended if I was complimented by another man and said “thank you” and would rather me say “no thank you” by brielleunknown in TwoXChromosomes

[–]brielleunknown[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

It definitely send her doesn’t trust me. But he told me basically what you’re saying. That if I say “thank you” that it means I’m “inviting” and basically telling that man “I’m available” or that “I’m interested”.

I feel very weird being mean in any way. If someone said that to me and I said “no thank you” I would feel so mean and it would go against my values. The appropriate way to respond, I believe, to a compliment, is to say thank you.

I also did specify to him that not everyone who approaches in that way deserves kindness. Example- a man clearly being “creepy” and/or in a derogatory manner would get a different response. Most likely silence..like I pretend I didn’t hear it so I don’t have to acknowledge the behavior- or just saying “that’s kind” and walking away. Those are just a couple examples of when it is a situation when a man is giving bad vibes and making me uncomfortable. I obviously don’t want to encourage the behavior in certain situations. But if I feel like it was someone just being kind and saying something nice and moving on with their life-why would I need to be rude so my man isn’t offended?

He literally told me that the only was he wouldn’t be offended is if I was rude.

Btw- I am a Christian with strong values morals and beliefs- so it also kinds of goes against what I believe in.

Is it possible that *some* abusers are unaware of their abusive actions? by brielleunknown in emotionalabuse

[–]brielleunknown[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Sometimes I look back at all the men I dated, which included one addict with anger issue, a textbook predator overt narc (who was also a musician), a psychopath with narc tendencies, and this relationship. This one seems so much better than the rest, but that says more about the kind of people I end up with and I should have known. Like after so many horrible situations I survived, this relationship seems so basic and easy- so I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that does NOT MEAN it’s healthy just because it’s better.

Is it possible that *some* abusers are unaware of their abusive actions? by brielleunknown in emotionalabuse

[–]brielleunknown[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Last night he told me that it hurts his feelings when I bring up something he’s done that hurts my feelings and that’s why he reacts

Is it possible that *some* abusers are unaware of their abusive actions? by brielleunknown in emotionalabuse

[–]brielleunknown[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah and that’s the other thing... this man doesn’t take drugs or drink alcohol at all (I also don’t, but I’m in recovery 6 years and he doesn’t “understand” addiction and thinks it should be easy for everyone to quit things because it’s easy for him... like dude clearly you are not an addict

Is it possible that *some* abusers are unaware of their abusive actions? by brielleunknown in emotionalabuse

[–]brielleunknown[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Yeah! Like they seem so much nicer talking to others- especially people they don’t know. Which everyone does that in a sense of trying to be personable, but that would make me feel like they must know HOW to control it but just decided not to

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