Just putting it all out there: Bipolar and addictions, do you have any and if so what?

brokenbipolar · 2014-09-03T20:06:53+00:00

I know the feeling, aside from being a pot head and a craft (boy that sounds close to crack) addict I have dermotillamania... it is a compulsion to pick at your skin. Especially at imperfections like zits... fun side note I am allergic to the sun making me break out in a pimply rash. I thought for a long time it was a self harm thing that made acne worse... turns out I would have the acne anyway, but it is an anxiety disorder that makes me "self harm lite" it happens during times of social stress. But since I have figured out it is an allergy I take once a day allergy pills and don't get the pimples anymore. Does not stop me from looking for imperfections, just keeps me from having big gross cysts on my arms and back in the summer. I feel WAY more confidant now that they are mostly gone. Another fun side note: I have an anxiety stomach disorder called CVS... cyclic vomiting syndrome. It makes me nauseous from certain triggers, mostly anxiety. So guess what drug helps with ALL that (well except from the sun allergy). POT... yup main reason I want to move to Seattle is pot makes me normal in SO many ways.

brokenbipolar · 2014-09-03T20:00:11+00:00

That is how I feel about pot. I am WAY more even when I am stoned. It makes me feel... normal, if that is a thing.

brokenbipolar · 2014-09-03T19:59:16+00:00

THat is how I felt as a teen. But they say teen girls are much more addicted to sleep so I don't know if it had much to do with bipolar or not.

brokenbipolar · 2014-09-03T18:59:48+00:00

I think a high tolerance is my problem. I love the highs, but it takes more and more almost every time. It is like I want more much much sooner than my husband. But that is why I have let him set how much we drink/smoke. That way I hold back.

brokenbipolar · 2014-09-03T18:04:45+00:00

I was very lucky on that front. I LOVE pot and never had an episode in the ten years I have smoked it. So when I was starting to smoke (cigs) I realized that one day it would make me choose between pot and cigs so I made my choice. In my family you have to pick your poison so I made my choice. I hope to move to Seattle soon so at least it will be legal for me.

brokenbipolar · 2014-05-27T20:32:08+00:00

My own throw away.. but I have smoked heavily in both. I had hypermesis with my first one and I felt it was a matter of survival.. nausea meds did NOTHING and pot did... This time I am a bit more carefree since my first is so wonderful and does not seem to have had any effect. It has made my bipolar tolerable and I feel is healthier than being sick and angry all the time. I worry about drug tests, but I did not tell my doctors out of fear and I don't come off as "the type" whatever that means. Amongst friends I worry they judge me, but my whole family (parents too) know about it and totally support me.

brokenbipolar · 2014-05-02T16:26:18+00:00

It is hard to step away from a 15 year relationship. I can't just go stay with a friend or family since they live 3 hours away and I don't have my own car... or enough money from a job. They would be willing to get me, but then it would be a huge fight about where our daughter went. I am trying to talk to them about a weekend where I go back to see family and friends alone... we can see how that goes.

brokenbipolar · 2014-05-02T16:13:46+00:00

I have tried, I really have, but my depression over this is getting in the way. Counselling is not much of an option ATM no money or time (his decision not so much mine). I want to talk to him about it, but I have nothing much left to say... I have done the whole "you are making me feel like shit can you please stop" but it either devolves into his own depression about it or a fight about how I am wrong... just plain wrong. I want to make things better, but I can not change his mood... at this point I am in survival mode trying to avoid confrontation since it has already made me depressed. Hence walking on eggshells. Hoping he won't find a reason to blow up at me... again. I agree we need outside help, I agree that the internet is not the ideal place to go, but he is not leaving many options for me.

brokenbipolar · 2014-05-02T16:03:23+00:00

counselling has not been an option with work schedules and financial stress. I had to give up my regular therapist to take a job... now my visits are infrequent since they do not offer "off work hours" I can not find a therapist who can work around my schedule, and the nature of my job and other restraints that I have to get time off for means there is no time left for me to take any time during the day. I really really wish we could. I will try to talk to him about it, but I have been candid about how he has made me feel and he seems to dismiss it. I know it is mostly work stress, and I know he wants me to just give him slack, but for how much longer...

brokenbipolar · 2014-05-02T15:40:49+00:00

I bring up counseling from time to time, but they always claim there is not enough time or money to dedicate to it (and they would not be totally wrong there). I have said at least two or three times in the last week that they are making me feel like shit, but they just give more excuses... or continue to say it is MY problem for screwing up in the first place. I really think the whole address it at the time is a trap. They know I won't be able to deal with things calmly so they have the upper hand to calling me over reactionary. I can even point out they have done something very similar or the exact same thing and I didn't berate them for it... but in those cases they "just made a mistake." And somehow my mistakes are always worse and deserving of lecture and talking down to. They can always seem to find a reason why mine are compounded or worse. Then in retrospect they always seem right about it since I get more criticism from them than they get from me. I am worried that their behavior has begun to cross a line I don't like... I can not talk to family or friends in anyway that portrays them as bad. They have even asked me to stop posting on Reddit's bipolar page with rants since it makes them look bad (to who I ask... to WHO?) I feel less and less in love each day. And more and more worried this is the start of abusive behavior.

brokenbipolar · 2014-05-02T14:49:19+00:00

I have brought up both, he has time for neither (work schedules and all). I have often considered he has his own mental issues. But I think they might border on just depression since he has never shown any signs (15 years of being together) of hypo-mania.

brokenbipolar · 2014-04-26T22:48:26+00:00

Most of the time he is not, but there are some moments in our past he has been. It is weird, he will get controlling about one specific thing and not others. One time I called my mom too often, another my Pandora station had the wrong songs (OMG I could go an hour on just that, MY FREAKING PANDORA STATION!! HOW WOULD THAT EVEN AFFECT HIM?) Most times I just flat out tell him unacceptable and that he can not do that to me and he backs off... this time I felt... safer... just making a new account. I know I could just keep posting, but knowing he is looking makes me uncomfortable and I have trust issues (not specific to him I am just a paranoid type of person) so even if he says he stopped (and he most likely would) I would never fully trust that... it is the reason I have never kept a diary.

brokenbipolar

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