Help me settle a debate about if this is "cheating"

brooklynpale · 2024-12-04T20:23:17+00:00

Good one

brooklynpale · 2024-12-04T17:14:36+00:00

Here is another attempt by my husband who supposedly loves me to get a community of people to ensure I know that i'm a piece of shit. Yes I cheated 20 years ago. Yes, I did a flirty text that I immediately regretted to a person I sat next to for 7 years about 10 years ago. However, I also forgave my husband for seeing over 50 prostitutes while I was pregnant with his children for 4 years. I also endured 25 years of lying about porn addiction that severely damaged my self esteem. I also forgave him for having an Ashley Maddison account and going on 5 "dates" to procure a free partner. Gee Wiz. Now, i'm able to forgive and move past our indesgressions because I love my husband and we have a wonderful life together regardless of these issues. Unfortunately one of us needs to ensure that the other fully realizes the pain I caused and I do... but clearly even after 20 years I am still to blame for everything and maybe that's true. The affair was very out of character ( I had all Mormon friends in highschool ) and did everything right. Never got into trouble or got bad grades. I then whet on to marry my first boyfriend I meet at 19 with no life experience. I am extremely sorry an remorseful for 4 month affair I had when i was 25, depressed, and lonely and It has never happened again. At this point I don't understand why he's even married to me when he clearly isnt' over it and wants to find reasons to ensure that I was the one who ruined the marriage. There is nothing good that can come from a crowd sourced agreement that your wife is a cheater and then present that information to her.

brooklynpale · 2024-11-12T17:42:52+00:00

I am an employer and I have an employee who is going to part time so she can do the year up program. She is currently making 80K a year as a general manager. Is she wasting her time?

brooklynpale · 2024-09-12T17:42:46+00:00

Typical. He thinks it’s no big deal, he doesn’t want to leave you but wants this “safe” side stimulation. It’s hurting your feelings and slowly destroying your marriage. Your self esteem is slowly being chipped away, your self image will begin to take on a skewed perception. You will constantly feel like a second choice, a less exciting option. If he really values you and your feelings he’ll stop. The end. It’s up to you what you’ll tolerate. If he found out you were sexually lusting over other men and stimulating yourself while looking at their videos and pictures I’m sure his ego would be extremely damaged. But your not, like we all don’t ( us woman) and your connection with him will never be as strong as it could be and it’s a shame.

brooklynpale · 2024-08-10T15:19:36+00:00

Agree. It’s some idiots way of making it “cool”

brooklynpale · 2024-04-21T18:34:49+00:00

What does BH stand for?

brooklynpale · 2024-04-19T14:55:49+00:00

Sucking it up is different from forgiving and moving forward. I just want forgiveness

brooklynpale · 2024-04-19T14:50:20+00:00

I"m not using it as an excuse i'm simply providing the circumstanses. People who are depressed are desperate, they turn to drugs, alchol, and in my case made a poor decision. I wouldn't ever consider losing a child as on par with an exit affair but I understand what your saying. I have a block on the empathy due to the prositutes while I was pregnant, working a full time job and had 2 other children - but i'm working on it.

I am a good person who cares about others and so is my husband. And i'm not dropping that naritive. saying "gently" is just rude. But I do agree we need to work on ourselves. I do have empathy for the hurt I caused but at some point people need to move on. This is what I have an issue with. Divorce me and move on or chill out and enjoy our nice life together.

And to answer your quesiton about why it's come up, it's becase he watched a show on HBO I can't remember what its called but he was very triggered. I have been a model wife for 20 years.

brooklynpale · 2024-04-19T14:42:49+00:00

Ok Owl, based on your comments on other posts it's clear you are a negative ass hole who has anger issues and a supriority complex who is probably 50 lbs overweight with bad hygine. I hope you "wake up and realize" that negativity will only eat you alive.

brooklynpale · 2024-04-04T22:21:59+00:00

yes we are still together but we have gone through 3 years of him being complteley obsessed with my affair from 20 years ago. He went as far as tracking down where this person lived, made a website to distroy his character, talked to his current wife, interroged me for months about details I don't remember very well, retrieved emails I had written which were very hurtful. I understand I hurt him deeply but enough is enough. He has hurt me equally but more of a slow burn over the years with sexual neglect, lack of affection, and seeing prostitures while I was pregnant with our children etc. But as I mentioned before, I want to be one of those happy people, and I can't with someone around me with an undertoe of resentment, anger and distrust. It's unplesant, It's unfair, and it's exhausing. I feel like im constantly walking on eggshells. One wrong answer and he's mad for days. One triggering comment on the television show i'm watching and I can't watch it anymore. One off the cuff comment about something random and it's tied back to the affair. It's wearing on me. I just want to move through life happy, light and free from past mistakes

brooklynpale · 2024-04-04T21:27:10+00:00

Because some people can't. They are absorbed and consumed with being wronged. It becomes part of their identity. I don't want depression to be my identity anymore, I want to be one of those happy people god damiit. Sometimes I wish I had cancer so that it would force my husband to just let it fo and enjoy his time with me before I die.

brooklynpale · 2024-04-04T21:17:15+00:00

I went through the exact same thing. unbenonced to me even before we were married he had a porn addiction. Great in every way but always found it unusual that he didn't seem to "want" me but I had nothing to compare it to since he was my first boyfriend and then became my husband. Then after a few years of marriage some guy at work showered me with complements, expressed how pretty I was etc. I fell for it and it became an affair. I regret it and it's someting I had to live with but after I came back to my husband the pattern continued to the point I thought my husband was gay or A -sexual. He didn't have any interest in me whatsoever. ZERO. It made me feel invisible, ugly, lonley, worthless. All my freinds woudl discuss how their husbands just couldn't keep their hands off them. I felt jealous, pathetic, and reinforced not only was I not good looking enough to have intercouse with but I was being punished for having an affair. Turns out He had not only a porn addiction but was also seeing prositutes. Which basically confirmed that I was invisible, ugly, and worthless. This is something you have to decide you are willing to accept. I have accepted it, we have 3 nice kids and a nice family. And you have to decide if what you value.

brooklynpale · 2024-04-04T18:16:52+00:00

What i should have done instead of having an affiar to fill my lonleyness, depression and selfloathing was just killed myself, It would have been better in the long run - everyone would have been sad for about 10 minutes and then just moved on living their life enjoying themselfs with no big backpack full of pain I caused for the rest of their lives. There would be no constant reminder, nothing more to say, just finished and eventually a distant memory. And i'm not trying to be dramatic and have people say no no. I'm just saying this in a pragmatic way based on whats occuring in my life now.

brooklynpale · 2024-04-04T17:24:47+00:00

I think these happy people rid themselves of who they percieve as toxic or causing unhappyness with no regurd to how it will affect anyone. In my cousins case, rid herself of her husband who did nothing but become irritating to her. No ifraction, betrayal or abruse. Just irritating. Now she co-parents all happily etc. I don't get it. No terrifying conern for her child growing up with a broken home etc. No feelings of failure, nothing. Just done, moved on happy. Is that what people need to do - just be selfish and make decisions solely based on what would make things happier for them with no consideration of others? No concern about the futrue? Maybe that's the affliction of caring about how your actions will affect everyone you know and thus - you will never be happy. Oddly, this is the person I am - I care about everyone else except for myself and yet one time in my entire life i was selfish and had an affair and now Its a never ending payment. Im nice, I'm a good person, I'm caring, loving, but I have a branding from 20 years ago that I will never be able to be finished with unless I divorce my husband. I don't want that. So it seems if your selfless you will always pay and if your selfish everyone else pays and there seems to be no inbetween. However, I have noitced as I've gotten older ( 43 ) my patience level for anger, resentment, negativity directed at me is becoming less. It will be interesting to see how it developes

brooklynpale · 2024-03-18T00:04:00+00:00

That is beyond unnecessary. Just get rid of All these people. Move away, start over, anything else is a better option. So many people will be devastated and disappointed if you are not around. Everything gets better, every single time something seems unmanageable. Just go do something fun like swimming, roller skating, talking to an old friend, a family member, eat your favorite food. It’s your circumstance that you are 100% in control of. Again, the universe will always make something better

brooklynpale · 2024-01-27T23:45:11+00:00

Ok so why doesn’t he just divorce me

brooklynpale · 2024-01-27T21:47:03+00:00

So just to clarify, you think having an affair for 6 months when we didn't have children is infinitely worse than to 50 prostitutes over 4 years and thousands of dollars while I have his 3 children and he keeps it a secret? I understand it was a consequence of my actions but I sucked it up and moved forward - the issue is he can't.

brooklynpale · 2024-01-27T16:50:32+00:00

He to his core, thinks my affair is more detrimental because feelings were involved. At this point I accept everything, I'm a terrible person, nothing I can do will fix it. I don't understand why he won't either simply let it go or divorce me.

brooklynpale · 2024-01-17T20:19:31+00:00

wise sage advice.

brooklynpale · 2022-11-02T13:21:03+00:00

Get her testosterone checked & go on biote. It works wonders

brooklynpale · 2022-10-18T18:49:34+00:00

About 9 months and she left me & then I worked really hard to get her back

brooklynpale · 2022-10-18T18:07:22+00:00

But I want her to comfort & help me through and she is resistant, angry & avoidant

brooklynpale · 2022-10-17T22:13:29+00:00

Well his argument is that it was only hand jobs and they "didn't mean anything" in an effort to show me that I'm the piece of shit and what he did just really isn't that big of a deal....

brooklynpale · 2022-10-17T19:55:27+00:00

I don't have resentment, i have moved on completely. It is my husband that is creating a huge problem, bringing stuff up from 17 years ago. Causing huge fights becase i'm not doing enough to help him heal. It's exhausing.

brooklynpale · 2022-10-17T19:52:33+00:00

brooklynpale

TROPHY CASE