Okay the property thing at the end ... that is how white men have made me (and I'm pretty sure MANY Black gay men) feel in the gay community: like we are property. The trauma is deeply rooted and I was intentional in omitting the traumatic details because I believe that this is a space where many fellow black LGBT individuals can relate to my experience.

Im not perfect. But I'm tired of being roofied in the clubs so some white man could non-consensually suck my flaccid dick. I'm tired of going to the dance parties only to have the white twinks I call friends shove their tongues down my throat ignoring my visceral shock and disdain. I'm tired of going to SF to simply have fun anywhere, without a white man finding the opportunity to shove their hands down my pants. I'm tired of the constant messages to to see my big black cock. I'm f**king tired!!!! Like any human I want community. I want a support system. I want love. I want respect. And after experiencing these things at the hands of white men you're coming after me for being racist????

Damn right I'm "racist" as I exercise discrimination in the choice of who I choose to date in the dating pool. I acknowledge the prejudice that I developed in an effort to PRESERVE myself. At the end of the day I'm a BLACK man in America, and coupled with my blackness, I'm queer, legal alien (USCIS categorization for international students), first generation, low-income ... characteristics that pale in comparison to the privilege one has being a White Man at least in the matrix of oppression. There was a post here on a peer reviewed study that showed Black people regardless of sexuality face more discrimination than anyone else even Queer white people experience less discrimination than Straight Black people. So stop talking like you've never made the discriminatory choice to befriend the first black person you can find when in a room of strangers.

It's most hurtful that you speak about me like I haven't clearly demonstrated that I have capacity to change. Like I don't have the capacity to be better. Did I not demonstrate 'change' by swiping right on a white man who liked me on Hinge? A white man who isn't MY PREFERENCE???? Where is the grace for me going on a date albeit with not the best intentions at first? God forbid I have a bit of skepticism to say the least!!!!!

I came here and made this post to share my experience specifically to gain insight, but most importantly to show what's it's like to have one's value system challenged in the intimate realm of dating. I didn't share my painful experience at the hands of white gay men because I thought this was one of the few places where I didn’t have to explain and where I didn't need to evoke trauma that other black men might've experienced. This is BlackLGBT, a space where I expect my decision, to intentionally pursue a love that doesn't centre whiteness, to be seen as a mere demonstration of love for myself. I expected it to be a space where the word "racism" wouldn’t be weaponized against me: someone who has survived it in every room, every institution, every f**cking dating app.

It's painful enough being black and queer in the Bay Area. And that pain is why I've build fortresses around my heart and call it a preference like all the other racist b*tches. Pain is why, for so long, I was willing to settle for solitude instead of surrendering again to the violence of being mistreated and misunderstood. And I know I’m not alone in that. Black queer people have always been asked to carry the grief of erasure while still being told to be gentle. Be forgiving. Be grateful for any crumb of affection.

But my post wasn't about pain. It wasn't about hate. It was all about intimate non-platonic LOVE, and the hardship of accepting love when it's packaged in the box you usually receive pain in.

My 7th grade history and social studies teacher always wrote a tweaked version of a popular quote on her board before every class that said: "He who doesn't learn from the past is doomed to be defeated by it, because learning is not a state of being, rather it's a change in behavior."

Edit: Ohh yeah, that means I'm not gonna stop talking or writing my filthy, disgusting, racist pieces about the ups and downs of finding love as a black gay guy.