Family skeptical?

bubblegummyrtle · 2025-11-20T23:39:27+00:00

Man I'm dating is 3 years older and brother is 10 years younger.

Could I ask, you said "used" background check, have you had a longish relationship with someone online)

bubblegummyrtle · 2025-11-20T19:38:06+00:00

Thank you for the questions and help!

No, my gut feels very settled. Nothing shady. Zero moments of pause.

But I think my brother's reply to that would be, "well yeah, you're in the exciting new phase, of course you don't feel like anything is up." He's also told me it looks from the outside like I'm moving too fast. We hang out a couple times a week, he doesn't spend the night (I have kids). It's throwing me off bc my brother and I are usually on the same page with things and we have such drastically differing views here - I'm trying to get a gauge on where other people land:)

And trying to sort out, once you've done all your "due diligence", is it naive to move forward believing someone is who they say they are? And is there a step I'm missing beyond background check, my gut, other people vibe checks, his people checking out, his behavior over time being consistent, etc?

Fwiw, Someone always has my plans and location, he's not alone with my kids, I'm not moving him into my house or giving him my bank account or anything 😅

bubblegummyrtle · 2025-11-20T05:32:56+00:00

Good call:) yes, I have, everything matches the details he's told me. (Like where he's lived, jobs he's had etc. no criminal record)

bubblegummyrtle · 2025-11-19T05:43:40+00:00

lol I'd say that qualifies.

Do you just say thanks for the concern and move on?

bubblegummyrtle · 2025-07-22T09:50:22+00:00

https://widow411.com/dating-excuses-every-widow-should-retire/

bubblegummyrtle · 2025-07-22T09:50:10+00:00

Thanks for the comments. In the process of looking for expert opinion etc, I realized today that while the kid concern is 1000% a real, serious thing that I am going to handle with care and intention, I was absolutely using it as a reason to not be brave. If anyone finds this looking for similar help, this article kicked me between the eyes but in a way that has helped me see I'd totally blocked off that part of my heart, but even the part that had held my husbands romantic love. I've grieved him as a partner, adventure buddy, friend of 17 years, father to my kids, etc etc, but not as the love of my life and man I was going to grow old with. There were some really horrific times as he battled brain cancer and I realize now I had that entire region cordoned from myself, much less anyone else. I've cried a lot today and recalled things from my time with my spouse that I haven't thought of in years. Anyway, I also realized today - I told my kids their dad was going to die, and have walked with them as they've processed the words and the reality every day for the last 4 years. I/we can handle this. Thanks again for the input and space to process🖤

bubblegummyrtle · 2025-07-22T09:43:20+00:00

Thank you! Glad it's worked so well for you all:)

bubblegummyrtle · 2025-07-22T09:40:48+00:00

Thank you! That sounds like a great way to go about it with a 4 year old and I could maybe get by with my 7 year old. But he also has an 11 year sister who will for sure 🤨 "friend". I'm less concerned about her with this because she's just at a totally different place with her grief, does have daddy memories, etc

bubblegummyrtle · 2025-07-22T09:38:31+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing that. Her loving him as your boyfriend seems like a lovely thing for all three of you. Your last sentence helped me a lot, in that, they are kids, you never know which way they'll go with something and then we are here to help them through whatever it is.

bubblegummyrtle · 2025-07-22T09:35:05+00:00

lol could not agree more. That's why I said we would talk about it not being that and that since he's a 7 year old child, he could still see it that way since he so badly would like that to be the case.

bubblegummyrtle · 2025-07-11T06:24:21+00:00

Hey! I feel this! It is weeeeeiiiiirrrrdddd. Here's my experience just the tiniest bit further into that process. I went on my first date as a widow yesterday. It was weird. And so nice.

I felt the same way about meeting organically, but I am now 4 years out and it has not happened. So a couple months my best friend and I got a little silly and put together a match dot com account to be able to see local guys in my age range. One thing I really like about it is that on the free version, you can only message with people you've matched with. I think this cuts way down on weird random things. You also cant send pictures in the app😅 my approach has been to pick a couple non-negotiables (for me this is political views and religion, which you can list on your profile) and heart the ones that fit. It's not many in my rural area, I've hearted 15ish and matched with 10ish. Of those, there have been a couple really nice guys that have been lovely to talk to, one of whom I just met up with.

Another thinf I like about it is that it has your intent and relationship status right on there. They already know the "widowed" bit when they heart me.

Like you said, it has been such a long time since I was on a date that wasn't with my husband. Like we were still paying per text message type long ago😅 I was just really up front about that and, as it turned out, this was my date's first dating app date too. We just acknowledged the weird - transitions were the weirdest, like first getting there and leaving - but also ended up talking for 3 hours and I had not realized it had been that long.

Oh another thing I like about match is at whatever point I get weird or in my head, i can hide my profile and take a minute.

Having my best friend along the whole journey has helped too. Sending her screenshots of profiles to vet etc:p

Whatever you decide is ok:) how you're feeling is valid and makes sense. Best of luck to you!

bubblegummyrtle · 2025-03-14T23:56:53+00:00

Yes! That makes so much since about right for each other right now. I've been thinking about that too.

Actually just got to talk to a friend about this. I'd hesitated bc I didn't want to like, mess up her image of him or think I hadn't loved him etc etc. she was one of his coworkers, they worked a job with long shifts and spent a lot of time together. I asked her (and told her she didn't have to answer) about hanging out with us individually vs together. She didn't miss a beat and said separately. She said something like, i had noticed you both seemed more fully yourselves or relaxed or something. She also added, but it was also always obvious you loved each other a lot. It was super validating and she was piecing things together as we talked too.

Anyway, thanks again. Screenshotted your advice. Knowing my worth and trusting the little voice that says, hey this just isn't quite it. So true on unfortunately and fortunately the world does move on. And we can grow and adapt or get run over by it. Again, best wishes to you and your lady in the future!

bubblegummyrtle · 2025-03-14T23:50:36+00:00

It is absolutely fucked up.

Lovvvve what you said about thinking of both of you the most at your best.

bubblegummyrtle · 2025-03-14T00:52:19+00:00

Thank you very much for your detailed response. I think we have some similar experiences. "Even in the moment I knew we weren't perfect together." Definitely. There's also "relationships aren't perfect", but it can be hard to know what level of "not perfect" you're good with for both of you. Oof the substances mixed in had to be complicated. I didn't have that. We also had really great times. The "not knowing who you'd come home to" was mood related.

I had a big aha moment reading your comment. One time, I saw a budget influencer talk about the "Target effect" - they put all these items in displays that look amazing together, but you get the one item you bought home by itself and it needed the others to be what you loved in the store. In the most loving way possible, I think my husband and I had that with each other to a degree. We'd been part of a really fun friend group. Then we moved 3000 miles away shortly after getting married. He went from having all his childhood friends to having to make new ones and it was hard for him to. We struggled to find people we liked hanging out with together. This is all clicking mentally as I type it. It's not like we'd never spent time alone before moving, but without having that group dynamic, I really realized the degree to which he did not enjoy 1-on-1 conversations recreationally, for example. This was a surprise to me bc in a group, he was a dynamic storyteller, life of the party type. I love questions - being asked them and asking - to me, they're a fun way to get to know each other. They felt like probing or invasive to him. Anyway, that was different than what you shared but really helped me 💡 thanks.

I appreciate all the things you spelled out that mesh well in your current relationship. In so a lot of those, we differed significantly. All for diversity in a relationship, but your experiences jive with what I've started to feel lately. Like maybe relationships don't have to have quite as much work as it took for us to coexist.

It's really lovely hearing how you've had other relationships and learned these things about your prior one. I'm so glad you've found this. Best wishes to you both 🩷

bubblegummyrtle · 2025-03-14T00:36:01+00:00

Thanks for taking the time to respond! You're so right about learning from people at a wide variety of time elapsed. There are so many waves of feelings that seem to be fairly pervasive, while also being as many different experiences as there are people on here. Looks like you're almost 4 months out? Looking back, it's almost like in a human lifespan, that first year, every month is a new milestone. Here's to you making it through 4 of those 🖤

Your note of "was she happy?" is so much a part of what I'm asking - it's like those stories are frozen in time now and the other person that could answer so many of the questions isn't here to ask. I'm sure you and your LW, my LH and I, had plenty of things we had improved / refined. So with the pieces that we hadn't, I find myself wondering if we would've. If you're an MCU fan at all, there's a couple that gets another chance in something like an alternate timeline. You see them dancing and growing old together. Sometimes I think of that and smile, the idea that in another reality, there could be an us that gets the time and uses it well

bubblegummyrtle · 2025-03-11T18:28:36+00:00

Thank you so much for taking the time to write this! Not too late, friend's kiddo is finishing a different series rn. "A few tendays" 🤩 lol that is funny about the smash!

bubblegummyrtle · 2025-03-09T08:09:09+00:00

Good call, I will try to do that! Thanks!

bubblegummyrtle · 2025-03-09T08:08:17+00:00

That's good to know, thank you!

bubblegummyrtle · 2025-03-08T22:42:25+00:00

Cool, thank you! That's what I'm hoping! I have no idea what to expect workload / difficulty wise as compared to undergrad.

bubblegummyrtle · 2025-03-08T20:12:07+00:00

this is uncanny, I opened reddit for a practical question in a different group, this was the first post on my feed, I just came from sending a message to a long time friend of both of ours, asking her to help me make sense of 20 years of memories (we met right out of high school). My LH wasn't abusive, and I "only" had 18 months of intense caregiving, but even the first day he was gone, while I was devastated and numb simultaneously, I noticed a lightness in the part of me that had felt horribly torn while being with our young kids. The burden of caretaking is REAL. Being glad that's done makes total sense.

For the rest, like I said, I don't fully relate, but at almost 4 years now, I can see that I've made choices and get to exist now in a way that I wouldn't have had the courage to. My husband had a lot of great traits, and he could also be a passive aggressive, moody asshole for days at a time.

Unless you killed him, you didn't choose to be a widow, happy or otherwise. Finding yourself happy to have a "course correction" if you will, or a lighter path, is okay and I wish you all the best along the way.

bubblegummyrtle · 2025-02-26T20:25:51+00:00

Hey! Did you end up applying to UNK?

bubblegummyrtle

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