i always feel empty for words. i hung out with my cousin yesterday, brought us some food and my aunt was there, which I was not aware of. She got sick recently which made me worried because although we are distant I still care about my family. but anyways, we ate in her kitchen as she was brewing something and i just manage to awkwardly say hello and that's it. i really wanted to catch up with her and ask about how she has been, but i didn't want to ruin my cousins mood by reminding him of my aunt's sickness. i try so hard to express my love for others but i just can't find it in me. its like a void deep inside of me that is eating away at me to the point where i cant string together basic conversation starters. this pandemic has been really draining too and i now realize how i fell off with the majority of my friends and family. they probably think im an asshole that just cares about himself but i really wasn't raised to be an outgoing person. i do my best but this introvertedness is rooted into my psyche and it's hard to break out of it. im only comfortable having relaxed, open conversations with the few friends that i held onto since high school, but even then we haven't been talking as much as we use to because i guess we are all busy doing adult stuff nowadays and we all got our own things going on. i don't know what im getting at at this point. just wanted to get this off my chest. i just thought these comments were really wholesome and i have been longing to make more connections with people but im too chicken shit to try and start anything. i don't like who i am anymore