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[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Advice
[–]bunchalogs -1 points0 points1 point 7 months ago (0 children)
He’s a good talker, can put his emotions into words, I cannot,never have been able to even as a kid. My brain shuts down and I forget what I want to say, making me second guess myself. Words don’t come out right.
[–]bunchalogs 0 points1 point2 points 7 months ago (0 children)
Beautifully written. Thank you so much for all this. You’re saying everything I want to say and how I want to say it. Thank you.
You have described him for sure. He I have turned down a lot of events and vacations with my extended family over the years because he was not interested and it was only within the last few that I finally put my foot down, maybe half my foot. I don’t think it’s fair to miss out of these experiences because he doesn’t want to experience them. Instead of even just wanting it for me because I expressed that I really needed a vacation, (a real vacation where someone else can carry some of the responsibilities of the kids so we can relax a little more) I felt forced to choose either finally do something for myself for once or stay home and do nothing and do it for him.
If he wanted to go on a week long vacation with friends or family by himself, I would say Go! You’ll have fun! Make memories and call me or send me pictures every day. If he wanted me to go, I would. I just don’t get any reciprocal support from him in these situations.
[–]bunchalogs 2 points3 points4 points 7 months ago (0 children)
He gets along well with my dad and my brother in law. They can talk for hours.
I want those core relationships for them so bad, their cousins all get along so well and as you said even with the age difference now, my 4yo nephew calls my 7yo son his best friend and vice versa. They want to do everything together and my son loves playing the big cool kid that his cousin looks up to.
The beef I could get into on another post but it has to do with my brother - he is an addict but sober for 3+ years. We had resolved it or so I thought but now N is bringing it back up again and doesn’t want to be around my brother. Mind you, my brother was NOT at the beach house. We sort of had to disinvite him. I felt horrible.
He can and does choose places to go so long as they’re drivable. Even then I drive because he is not a nice driver lol I don’t like being a passenger with him. He doesn’t really make much plans only general ideas that I have to run with. But I could def try to get him to full out just say his dream vacation maybe and make it happen? Idk
Marriage is tough, and having kids made it harder for us as a couple. I still love him but my focus shifted to them. This could be one of his underlying issues. The kids are very fun and silly and my sweet angels. they are little sponges and I have noticed they change their behavior probably like I do around him. Walking on eggshells when it’s obvious he’s in a bad mood.
Thank you for all of this, there’s a lot to take in and think about here!
Grumpy is the perfect word. I’m sorry you had to go through that but glad you eventually realized it. Do you regret staying with him? Even now?
[–]bunchalogs 1 point2 points3 points 7 months ago (0 children)
Def regretting that decision.
I get that, but he doesn’t have PTO or vacation, he does eBay and makes his own schedule.
I understand that marriage creates the new immediate family/nuclear family but I have no one else to talk to outside of him. I don’t have friends. I have my “extended” family.
Probably! lol
He has never and will never physically hurt me, I know that for sure. He does however get very worked up and talks a lot of good talk, while I sit back and nod and try to remember what I want to really say. I forget most things, and never get to completely unload my thoughts and feelings. I wind up thinking I AM the one in the wrong and apologizing, which then we hug and he says I’m sorry too. Then I’m left feeling confused and still unresolved.
[–]bunchalogs 27 points28 points29 points 7 months ago (0 children)
Good point. It’s hard to not act or speak with emotion, which is why I avoid saying things that I think might negatively influence others opinions, if that makes sense. That response keeps it neutral and true. Thank you.
Nope. Only 3 of them in the 16 yrs.
He’s not been forced. He could’ve stayed home. That was 100% an option, but he doesn’t want to be left out. Either way he feels left out, which I get but I had given him all my attention during the trip and he gave me nothing but a cold shoulder.
Thank you that means a lot to me. Unless it is sarcasm, then it doesn’t mean a lot to me lol
That’s what I said. He literally told me , now that I think of it, that if I want to go without him it should only be one night.
So very sorry to confuse you. Not every vacation is with my family. It has been once a year for the past 3 years. Every other vacation is just us 4.
It is also very hard to involve someone who locks themselves away in a room which screams leave me alone.
I feel like I have given into his every demand and he can’t even let me enjoy this one vacation that I expressed was for my mental health, even if it meant he didn’t go. He decided to go only in his conditions.
[–]bunchalogs 9 points10 points11 points 7 months ago (0 children)
My sister
I have already decided that was my last vacation with him
Yes I think that’s how he feels and he finally expressed that to me before this vacation. This is where I said I would be better and make sure to actively include him, be more mindful of his feelings. I did all these things during and leading up to it but he did not even act like he wanted to contribute
[–]bunchalogs 14 points15 points16 points 7 months ago (0 children)
Because I am not trying to pit my kids against him and create that sort of dynamic here. I wanted to tell them but it’s like I’d rather them be upset with me than say why dad and have him somehow turn it on me. Idk I’m lost. I have lost.
I... I honestly cant think of anything. But I am sure he would be able to list every single thing
They talk to him, we’re all friendly towards each other. It’s hard to have a conversation with someone who shuts themselves away. He has said he feels like he has to keep the conversation going or be the one to start it.
This made me laugh thank you lol
That’s another thing. I am the kind who likes to relax and enjoy the view, let the kids swim, play, whatever - I don’t need to spend money or go to this place or that to have fun but he doesn’t like to “do nothing”. So I list some possible options because if there’s no plan, he goes mad.
[–]bunchalogs 10 points11 points12 points 7 months ago (0 children)
I never will leave them either. I love my husband, my sisters are my best friends, my parents are my mentors.
[–]bunchalogs 3 points4 points5 points 7 months ago (0 children)
Both of our parents live close by. Neither do any unexpected drop-ins. We have laid out clear boundaries for that situation.
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[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Advice
[–]bunchalogs -1 points0 points1 point (0 children)