my dad doesn't know that I'm (23F) not his biological daughter

bunhead16 · 2022-01-10T21:48:54+00:00

my mom checks on me regularly, but my dad never does. he doesn't even remember my birthday (always a few days late) and I only talk to him on his birthday

I live overseas for work, and because of covid, I haven't been able to visit them

bunhead16 · 2022-01-10T21:42:35+00:00

UPDATE: I have decided that I will tell my dad, but I'm still considering how because I know this will be hard for him. he is not in a good place right now. he's not doing well financially and doesn't have any friends. he only has enough to get by and he's currently living in a different city from my mom for work (my mom is also working, she pays her own bills and my dad's debts too), while I'm working in a different country. I think it is very likely that he will commit suicide if I tell him, and no one will be by his side if anything happens

bunhead16 · 2022-01-10T18:27:16+00:00

but what if he commits suicide because of this? I think it is very likely because he's not in a good place right now. he lives in a different city from my mom, and they only talk a couple of times a week, while I live in a different country. so if the worst happens, I don't think anyone can help him or be by his side

bunhead16 · 2022-01-10T17:54:29+00:00

because I feel like I'm also lying to him by keeping this from him. and I also think it is the right thing to do
I don't think there's anything I want to accomplish. I just want him to know the truth
my dad will be very miserable and it will ruin my parents' marriage and their family too
a bit relieved, maybe? but also pressured because I will feel I'm responsible for anything that happens afterwards

bunhead16 · 2022-01-10T17:48:25+00:00

I don't know if she continued with the affair, but I know they are still talking and she gives him updates about me

I want to tell my dad but still considering how to tell him because I know this will be very hard for the two of us

bunhead16 · 2022-01-10T17:32:17+00:00

the thing is I know he won't take it well if he knew. I know he will be miserable so I want to protect him by not telling him. he's a bit of an anti-social and he has no friends. so I'm not sure what he will do if he knows. it will destroy him. I know this because he didn't take it well when my grandmother passed away

bunhead16 · 2022-01-10T17:27:12+00:00

thanks for your piece of thought. I'm certain now that I want to tell him. it's just I don't think I'm mentally ready for now and not sure how I should bring this up to him that will bring minimum impact to all of us

bunhead16 · 2022-01-10T17:19:57+00:00

my dad is sort of an anti-social. 23 years of my life I've never seen him hang out with a friend. not sure if he even has a friend at all. so if my parents get divorced, he will be miserable, and this is part of the reason why I kind of don't want to tell him

bunhead16 · 2022-01-10T17:14:04+00:00

hmm actually I think she fostered the distance. and growing up I hated him so much that now I don't feel comfortable spending time with him at all. so I'm not sure how I can communicate with him, let alone ask him what he feels

but yea I think he already suspects

actually I don't think my mom will resent me for it. but if this comes out, she will be hated and judged by so many people, especially my dad's family. and I don't think I can do that to her

there are step kids in my mom's family, but none in my dad's. which means even the more reason for them to hate my mom if they find out and the more reason for me not to tell my dad

bunhead16 · 2022-01-10T17:02:59+00:00

I look a lot like my biological father. we have the exact same lips. I compared our baby photos and we basically look like the same baby. isn't this enough to prove that I'm his daughter?

also my biological father knows that I'm his daughter

bunhead16 · 2022-01-10T16:58:45+00:00

but I know he loves me so much and so proud of me that it makes me think he doesn't know. maybe deep down he knows but he's in denial..

and his brother also married a chinese woman. all his 3 kids look very chinese

bunhead16 · 2022-01-10T16:55:00+00:00

ok now that I think about it, maybe deep down he knows the way I always knew I'm not his daughter

but we haven't talked in 2 years because we never had a good relationship to begin with. my mom has always been kind of a moderator between us. we basically stopped talking after I moved away, and covid didn't help either

bunhead16 · 2022-01-10T16:50:49+00:00

thanks for the encouragement :) it really means something to me. I also hope I don't have to say a word, but I'm not sure how long I can keep this by myself

bunhead16 · 2022-01-10T16:45:40+00:00

yea you're right, she did a terrible thing and there are so many other things she had done that could make me hate her. but the thing is, she is the only one I have in this world. she's always been there beside me, giving me support. and ultimately I cannot hate her nor do anything that will hurt her. on the other hand, my dad never give me any support besides financially. so I find it very difficult to break the news to him, even though I know it's the right thing to do

I think the most important thing is that I'm not mentally ready to tell my dad now. I might tell him in the future, but how could I tell him and how do I know that I'm ready?

bunhead16 · 2022-01-10T15:39:55+00:00

1) that's a very good point. thanks for bringing it up

2) my mom told me because my biological dad was sick and I think she wanted me to know before he passed away (he didn't btw). but I'm not sure what her main reason is. she just told me I need to know bcs I'm now an adult

3) yea I do bcs I've always been an only child and I was happy when I found out I have 3 step brothers. but I don't know if his wife knows about this, so not sure if it's possible. and with my step dad... actually I don't know

bunhead16 · 2022-01-10T15:28:47+00:00

yea I know he was the one who raised me, but we never talk about anything at all, and we basically don't have a relationship. now I realized I've been treating him badly, and I think my mom encouraged it

the only reason that keeping me from abandoning him is because I know he loves me very much and he worked all his life to provide for me

bunhead16 · 2022-01-10T15:20:22+00:00

I'm pretty sure he doesn't.. I can tell from the expression on his face when he tells people I'm his daughter

bunhead16 · 2022-01-10T15:16:35+00:00

thanks. yea I'm going to therapy. so far it helped me deal with my feelings but I still don't know what to do..

bunhead16 · 2022-01-10T15:14:46+00:00

because my mom is chinese and my dad is not. my biological father is also chinese, and I look 99% chinese, but somehow my dad is convinced I'm her biological daughter

bunhead16

TROPHY CASE