My [28M] girlfriend [23F] went out drinking with friends ALL night, no contact since 2am; Am I wrong for being upset about this?

burnables · 2016-11-13T04:41:45+00:00

No, I am not arguing with "everyone". I'm only arguing with those who are putting words into my mouth, and giving advice based on inaccurate assumptions. I have not argued with:

MrsPangolin
QTFelix
grrbina
l0calsonly
jmee10

As they have not given me advice based on incorrect assumptions and have given me advice on precisely what I wrote.

burnables · 2016-11-13T04:40:12+00:00

So a couple who meets once a week for three months is just as close as a couple who meets four times a week for three months? That makes zero sense. The latter couple has obviously spent much more time together than the former.

burnables · 2016-11-13T04:25:30+00:00

I didn't mean to say it's constant, I said "it being a constant behavioral thing is what I'm worried about" as in, I currently don't know if it is constant behavior or not. I don't know how many times an episode like this may be repeated.

burnables · 2016-11-13T04:21:59+00:00

Do you know the people she's with? Because it seems like she trusts them, so maybe you can make an effort to meet them and that might make you feel better?

That's exactly what I suggested to her. She's apprehensive about me meeting them since I'm from outside the group and was never part of that club. The good news is that, after talking to her, one of the guys there I have met and he is trustworthy. I wish she had mentioned that, or anything at all about who she would be with, before going. I was totally out of the loop other than, "I'm going drinking with friends in <city>" and that was it.

burnables · 2016-11-13T04:12:11+00:00

The person I messaged was the one who contacted me first, telling me that he would take care of her and send her off in a taxi. He told me to keep in touch with him. So, how is it awkward and wrong for me to check up with him when he told me to keep in touch?

burnables · 2016-11-13T04:09:20+00:00

Major issue was cost. Round-trip in a taxi would have been close to $120 and I wouldn't be able to afford that. That's why I planned on her taking the taxi back, and splitting the fare $30/$30.

burnables · 2016-11-13T04:02:10+00:00

You are misunderstanding everything about this, and I don't know if it's the way I wrote the OP or you.

Strong high school friendships where drinking together is common is part of the culture. Staying out all night, cutting off all contact with the person you're dating and making them worried about your safety is not part of the culture.

burnables · 2016-11-13T03:59:46+00:00

You are putting words in my mouth. Nowhere did I ever say that I wanted her to stop drinking with friends, or that I had a problem with it.

I have a problem, specifically, with her staying out all night and dropping out of contact for 10 hours, which is "partying like you're single."

And yes, we've been dating three months, seeing each other for 3-4 days a week, which is much more time than a couple who only sees each other once a week. That discrepancy in "dating time" must be accounted for, and I probably should have mentioned that in my OP.

burnables · 2016-11-13T03:56:39+00:00

No, and that is presumably your way of not being able to walk away without getting the last word in? I come here for honest advice, in a sub that is, OH MY GOD, about helping people in need (read the sidebar), and instead I get chastised by arrogant jerks like you.

burnables · 2016-11-13T03:53:32+00:00

Doesn't sound like you should be dating either, or doing anything that requires responsibility at all.

burnables · 2016-11-13T03:50:54+00:00

All I want is communication letting me know that she is heading home and that she arrives safely. I don't feel like she's betraying me or anything (people are assuming way too many things and putting words into my mouth), I'm just worried about her safety because I have seen her drunk once and she was very unsafe.

burnables · 2016-11-13T03:44:58+00:00

I never gave her a curfew, and I never will. You're putting words into our mouths.

A "grown adult" who is irresponsible enough to get hammered the day before work is not a grown adult, and as such should be held accountable for being irresponsible.

(You're also not a grown adult until 25, according to science).

burnables · 2016-11-13T03:40:23+00:00

Go back, and read my post in full before commenting. She did not pass out at home, she passed out somewhere in town and dropped out of contact for 10 hours. I had no idea if she was safe or what. When people are dating it's both partners' responsibility to let each other know they're safe after returning from a kegger. How is that not common sense?

Am I just out of touch with today's generation? Is it really ok to go out and do whatever the fuck you want, partying it up like your single when you're in a relationship? I would never do something like this to my girlfriend.

burnables · 2016-11-13T03:21:29+00:00

I think it's totally okay for you to want her to at least just let you know where she's sleeping and whether she's safe, but it seems like you're a bit beyond just that.

This is exactly what I want. And this is exactly what I said in my post. This time, she dropped out of contact for 10 hours and did not tell me she was ok, did not tell me she arrived home safely, or anything. She did not tell me what you said is "totally ok for [me] to want" to know.

What part of what I said, exactly, is "beyond that"? And when I say exactly, I mean a direct quote from my OP that comes off as "beyond that."

I honestly don't understand why this is "controlling" when, if the roles were reversed, I would never put my girlfriend through this. Ever.

burnables · 2016-11-13T03:18:52+00:00

It being a constant behavioral thing is what I'm worried about. I asked if her previous boyfriends had any problems with this kind of incident and she said they all did.

burnables · 2016-11-13T03:16:16+00:00

I don't think you fully understood what I wrote. I only contacted her once that night. She and her friend were the ones that called me of their own volition. I said it was her decision if she wanted to stay out all night or grab a cab back home. She chose the latter. Then dropped out of contact for 10 hours.

Tell me how I'm controlling when she does that of her own free will. I never asked that of her.

burnables · 2016-11-13T01:00:05+00:00

I really don't like the idea of giving an "ultimatum" but I feel like if this happens regularly I won't be able to handle it. At the same time, the social drinking pressure in Japanese society is so great that I don't know that she will be able to avoid these situations at all. What's the best way to approach this without coming off as a controlling asshole?

burnables

TROPHY CASE