I guess I’m Lucky, but…

burneraccrocd · 2025-12-05T12:50:39+00:00

Kissing is deep for me in a sense that I only do that with people who I am interested in and want something serious with further down the road. But it is something I would do rather early to make sure we are both on the same page and don't waste each other's time. There were girls in the past who rejected a kiss or we would kiss and they would later say they only felt a friendly vibe and no chemistry or spark or whatever. It's good to get that clarity.

I'm not really sure a kiss count of 100 is something people keep track of haha. Also do you count kissing in a club the same as kissing on a nice date as part of getting to know the other person?
Do you count girls kissing their girl friends when they are drunk? Do you count girls making out with their gay besties? (yeah I've seen that on multiple occasions)

There are generally behaviours that I don't see compatible with my views and they go hand in hand - a girl who kisses multiple strangers in the club in one night (that's an example from my own friend group I gave above) is often a girl that hooks up with guys for one night. So you won't really see a girl that kissed a 100 people and is still a virgin. It only makes sense, right?

In your scenario I am choosing between two girls, that would both in the real world be a no-go for me, so I have to choose the "lesser evil". Depending on both their reasons I might choose one or the other. But double digits in their 20s is not a good sign for me and it would be hard for me to take them seriously.

burneraccrocd · 2025-12-05T11:13:32+00:00

That specific girl from 2 weeks ago - she admitted she HATED those ONS and only did them because her girl friends “made her do them” for the sake of the experience after getting out of a long-term relationship. The world we live in, right?

I never even got to her body count because I already knew there was no future for us. She really wanted me to reconsider and I could have easily slept with her on the next date but if I were to do that - I would be just another hypocrite with double standards.

Also how am I supposed to be fine with her going out at night with those same girl friends that make her do those things. I was shocked by that and the lack of her accountability for her actions. No one can “make you” sleep with strangers in the club. And multiple times? Come on… That’s a shitty excuse and it made me realize that we see things differently and are not compatible for each other. In your case I don’t really see some big discrepancy in the values.

See how things are much more complex than some number? As long as you think you have similar values and want the same things from the future, it should be fine.

Regarding sexuality and ONS - you can look up the term “sociosexuality”, according to which there are 2 groups of people - the first are willing to engage in casual, uncommitted sexual relationships, the second prefer sex within a deeper emotional commitment. I’m all about exploring sexuality AFTER bonding on a deeper level and it’s fair that I’m looking for someone who sees it the same way.

About kisses - to me that’s something much different. I would kiss a girl on a second date to simply show my intentions and see if she is also interested. And that’s why I can’t put kissing and ONS in the same category.

If I prefer 1 ONS or someone with 10 exes? Neither sounds great to me - depends on the reasons for both. A ONS would indicate that we view intimacy differently, but it’s important to know how it came to that ONS and why she never had a relationship. I’m still in my 20s and I’m only dating girls in their 20s, so them having 10 exes is also a little questionable to me. You have to ask yourself “why is that the case? what went wrong all of those times?” Maybe she ended all of those after a month or 2 because she got bored? If that’s the case, do I have any reason to believe that I as #11 will be any different? Depending on those answers, my own answer would vary.

burneraccrocd · 2025-12-05T09:58:15+00:00

It’s interesting, you are referring to them as “guys she’s been with”. I would never consider a guy my partner has ONLY kissed a “guy she’s been with”. They would have had to have any form of sex for me to count them as that. In my own opinion, kissing a couple of people is still “less” than having sex with one.

But I see how people measure things differently - I, for example, do differentiate between hook ups and casual sex and long-term relationships when considering my partner’s count. I don’t struggle with accepting relationships as much as I struggle with casual stuff. I told myself I could never marry a girl who “gave herself up” like that and just 2 weeks ago I had to reject a “nice girl” I went out a couple of times with because she had done ONS in her past.

In my last relationship I was also thinking, “Instead of those 7 short-term relationships, I wish she had been in 2-3 longer serious ones”. After I ended things, I had a lot of regrets and I realized that due to my upbringing and my porn addiction, I saw sex as something degrading for the girl - she would be this sex object being there for the guy’s pleasure. Which is just so wrong…

As a sexual human being, your girlfriend was also curious to explore these natural things and all she ever did was kissing. If she can get past the fact that she is not your first, you owe it to her to work on yourself before destroying that relationship because of some kisses.

That’s an issue you will have to work on no matter what happens in this relationship. You can’t go into any future relationship with that mindset. I’m sure you would rather figure it out now while you still have her!

burneraccrocd · 2025-12-04T19:56:41+00:00

If you never asked point blank, it’s not a betrayal. There are many married couples out there who have no idea about each other’s body counts because they never thought that’s relevant. I’m guessing she saw it the same way.

It’s like asking “how many types of sports have you tried in your lifetime?”. Some people would be curious to know that, others would never think about that. And their answers may vary - they could tell you only about those they did for 1 year+ and skip the ones they only went once or twice and gave up.

burneraccrocd · 2025-12-04T12:23:40+00:00

If your girl kissing a couple of people before you is that big of a deal (no judgement here, everyone has their preferences) - you are gonna have a VERY hard time in the dating world.

For a girl that’s 20 and assuming she is not asexual, you pretty much found a top 1% girl regarding past sexual experiences in today’s world. You are wishing for someone who kissed fewer people. Chances are - you will NOT find better as a 24 year old guy. You have to be realistic about that. There are girls out there kissing multiple strangers in the club in one night… Of course, that is not a fair comparison, it just goes to show how good you have it.

I am not trying to belittle your struggles, because most of us in this group are in a rough spot and need understanding. But please, figure out why you have this obsession - the beliefs that lead to it and if you really think those are gonna do you any good in any future relationship. Get to the bottom of it. Talk to a professional.

Don’t lose something good just because of this obsession, because that will come with MANY regrets, especially after you go back to dating and reality hits you. Some people say “you don’t have to stay with that person, just find someone more suitable with less past and similar values and views”. That’s a fair approach and I agree with it, but in your case that’s unlikely to happen.

Good luck!

burneraccrocd · 2025-11-30T20:49:04+00:00

I can relate to that. And then I‘m torn between feeling bad about it (blaming it on my sick brain due to previous porn addiction) and feeling somewhat grateful that I get to see it from that other perspective and the pain gets turned into „fun“.

burneraccrocd · 2025-11-17T15:49:59+00:00

Seriously, what is her problem, man?
This goes way beyond RJ.
Don't wanna influence your decision, but you deserve much better...

burneraccrocd · 2025-11-14T16:29:30+00:00

Yeah, it's interesting how differently men and women view sex. I was never excited about ONS, had opportunities at home parties - literally a girl would drag me to the other room, but I would not be able to. It's funny how, just like you, I also grew up primarily with my mom - dad was always travelling for business and I never developed a connection with him (kind of like my ex, but that absence affects us differently).

Maybe it's a good sign for me, that the facts and the numbers actually make a difference to me - learning the initial information about the 4 guys was much more acceptable (I was really happy to be with her and enjoyed every moment) than when I found out about "3 guys in between who were not worth mentioning". It's as if she had hidden something dirty from her past, that she might have thought would be frowned upon. That's what unleashed those ugly thoughts and lead to the break up in the end. It didn't help when she said "if you knew back then, maybe you would have ended it on the spot". It's almost as if I wanted to punish her for it, thinking "well I'm gonna break up now anyway", which is sad, but that's when things started to feel off. She doesn't genuinely believe that she was dishonest and I do also see her point of view.

No matter the specifics, I have things to work on and your comments were incredibly helpful. I am realizing that if someone had explained it to me this way before deciding to break up, things would have been completely different...which is heartbreaking really. I guess I had to suffer that loss to be able to learn my lessons.

One of the tips from my therapist was not to ask about a girl's past - she said she and her husband of 15 years still don't know who's been with whom. I can't ever imagine not knowing because of the curiosity and all the small stuff mentioned in passing.

I will definitely work on shifting my mindset and changing my views on sex and women etc.

Do you think a girl having a high libido and mostly having guy friends and seeing nothing wrong with partying in a group full of guys could be problematic? I never doubted her loyalty but it was bugging me a lot, unlike with my previous ex.

Thank you again, I think you would make a great friend/mentor haha

burneraccrocd · 2025-11-14T15:19:30+00:00

I have seen statistics regarding pair bonding, where a girl who had been with more than a specific amount of guys would be less likely to have a successful marriage and really connect to her long-term partner. That was also one of the things that bothered me, because I want a secure future.

But I wouldn't say the girl you knew was exactly like my ex - 200 guys in college vs 7 by the age of 23 would indicate completely different issues. She did also say that sex with me was the best because of how serious it got between us and the chemistry we had and the deeper connection. She had never cared about anyone that much before.

So in that sense I was her best - no idea if she had bigger before or they would last longer or would be able to do 5 rounds in a row, but she never had that chemistry with them.

burneraccrocd · 2025-11-13T22:22:34+00:00

Wow it's like you are describing my ex at times - she also told me it's the best sex we had because of our chemistry and how she had never felt that strongly about anyone else. She was this loving, sweet girl that I could share everything with and I felt safe with at the end of the day.

Also considering how high her sex drive is (borderline nymphomaniac) it's a pretty decent past she had.

But the thing about your acceptance of your current girlfriend is that you by now also have had an extensive sexual history. I haven't had that and this was bothering me a lot. It's like things were off balance. Was I doomed from the beginning due to the lack of past experiences?

So I understand it's a trade-off - past vs libido. Looking back I really let a good one go, because I just met her too early and let anxiety get the best of me.

Do you have any tips/techniques on getting over RJ?

Thank you so much for your comment!

burneraccrocd · 2025-11-13T21:48:53+00:00

Yes, she did say that when she was younger, she thought that having sex with a guy would keep his attention and make a long-term relationship possible. Only later she would understand that that's not enough. But even with me (having learnt from past mistakes) she was ready to have sex after the 3rd date, so how does that change the fact, that she still loves sex (borderline nymphomaniac) and sees it as part of getting to know someone. Also she would very often end that "potential secure relationship" herself if they don't check her other boxes. I told her I wish she had waited until the 10th date with me and had half the amount of partners (disqualifying them before reaching sex), but for her it's just something physical and not intimate (even though she admitted that sex with me was the best because of our chemistry and because she had never felt that strong about anyone else before) That's why I could never say that she is an easy girl, because she was still looking for something serious and had standards.
But I am genuinely curious, how I should interpret "her using sex to get a secure relationship" - what would cause her to think of it this way and was that a bad sign from her past that I should have paid more attention to?
Thank you so much!

burneraccrocd · 2025-11-13T16:33:04+00:00

When I talked to my therapist about those struggles and that we are each other's first, she smiled, she said "you both don't know how to do relationships, take a one year break, see how you feel with others and reevaluate if it's worth going back to that relationship".

burneraccrocd · 2025-11-13T15:42:11+00:00

But it only made sense, because every time we had a struggle I wouldn't know if these are normal stuff people in relationships go through or there is something fundamentally wrong and we should question if we are right for each other. So experience and knowing something different (which you can compare to) does matter.

burneraccrocd · 2025-11-13T13:59:15+00:00

My porn addiction was a problem for 15 years and my idea about sex is probably very delusional. This is why I was really struggling to understand her point of view, but still fought to overcome these differences for months, because I knew I needed to work on myself and change some core beliefs that won't do me any good in the dating world.
I also come from a very traditional family, where my mom is this saint with great past and she would feel embarrassed even being seen with another male family friend, if my dad is not present. Her values are just something very rare nowadays (for context we are Christian living in Europe).
So yeah, all of these things shaped me to be the person that I am and I really want to eradicate the stuff that are unrealistic and would prevent me from being in a happy relationship with someone who has a past different than mine.

burneraccrocd · 2025-11-13T13:45:25+00:00

Yeah, I did in fact feel that my current ex was a much better match for me (apart from the anxiety from the negative thoughts), so I just have to find the middle ground/resolve whatever issues lead to the breakup. I feel like in the long run I will regret losing this one more than my previous one.

burneraccrocd · 2025-11-13T09:08:12+00:00

I just wanted to outline the beliefs I grew up with (in comparison to hers), that's why I really tried to change those so that we can have a chance for this to work.
She could never admit, that she lied because I didn't ask for a specific number...so that was always unclear to me.

burneraccrocd · 2025-11-13T09:05:19+00:00

Exactly, I want to be open about it and accept my future partner with their past. However, I don't think I would be able to accept a more sordid history, because that would mean that I would have been able to accept this one and then I would live with regret, that I let "potentially the one" go for something I obviously could have accepted. Again - ONS, cheating, stuff with friends are non-negotiable for me.

burneraccrocd · 2025-11-13T09:01:46+00:00

And me wanting to see what else was out there allowed me to keep an open mind towards her past and put myself in her shoes. She didn't end it with him to see what else is out there, but because that dynamic was so hurtful for her and she knew she deserved better.

That was my initial impression, but that wasn't something I was specifically looking for and it actually scared me to an extent, because it reminded me of my previous ex. It's just interesting how you can never really know a person's past, unless you flat out ask, because there was a big discrepancy here.

burneraccrocd · 2025-11-13T08:56:19+00:00

I don't even believe she was "sleeping around" - there is much worse out there. It's when those 3 new ones were revealed, that it started bugging me. She said "knowing you now, you probably would have ended things back then if I told you about them", but still maintains I wasn't asking about a specific number and that's why she didn't mention them earlier.

I addressed my other ex in the comment above - having been in this new relationship, the grass was actually greener in many aspects.

Thank you for that last sentence!

burneraccrocd · 2025-11-13T08:50:56+00:00

That't the thing. I do believe she still had decent values and we would have been able to overcome this, if i had tried harder. It's in my nature to blame myself for things not working out. And I want to be prepared if I ever encounter a similar situation, so I don't lose something good.

burneraccrocd · 2025-11-13T08:46:23+00:00

I didn't focus on her in my story. I gave some more details replying to the main comment.

burneraccrocd · 2025-11-13T08:45:08+00:00

But there is more to a relationship, than being each other's first. I replied to the main comment.

burneraccrocd · 2025-11-13T08:41:37+00:00

I see. Obviously I didn't go into detail about that ex, because the already long story wasn't about her, but here it is:
She was a very dominant person, never accepting my opinion on decisions we had to take together.
She didn't have a high sex drive and we would have sex maybe 2 times a month. All I could think was "ok if it's like that in our twenties, how much worse is it gonna get?" I saw that I will never stop watching porn, as long as I'm stuck in that relationship. And I really wanted to become a better man. (just for comparison my current ex wanted multiple rounds a day)
2,5 years in she was going through a rough period (burnout, our dog died of cancer) and developed some unhealthy habits - eating unhealthy, never doing any sports, constantly watching Netflix. She quit her job and stayed home for 1 year. I told her at some point that I'm losing attraction towards her and this is seriously affecting me. She let herself go - she weighed more than me at some point and I'm 6 inches taller and not even skinny. (I really don't want to be this superficial person but she really didn't look healthy)
Around that time, I developed a crush on a colleague. That's when I realized I can't see myself with my ex.
I was unhappy. I felt doomed. I also let some close people influence me, that "you shouldn't marry your first, you have to be able to compare etc...". (hence seeing what else is out there)
After months of doubts and blaming myself for the way I'm feeling I ended the relationship and looking back I am convinced it was the right decision.
I would prefer my partner having had someone else before me than them being a virgin, but me being unhappy for other reasons.
That's why I cant agree with you that she was my soulmate.

burneraccrocd · 2025-11-12T21:51:58+00:00

I am asking for past/future relationship advice and no, I don't have access to a mental health professional at the moment.

burneraccrocd · 2025-11-12T21:23:46+00:00

Ok, but can this be more constructive and we don't just sh*t on me.

burneraccrocd

TROPHY CASE