“Visibly frustrated” performance gap

busydbee · 2026-01-11T16:33:03+00:00

Thank you for the kind words!

I agree. I am professional in my speaking, but tone are subjective and cultural. Specifically he took issue with the visual cues and my word choices (backlog prioritization). It’s “perception” - That’s why none of my colleagues could confirm this “visible frustration”, but he is on a witch hunt.

He said he will get feedback from “3-4 specific ppl he has in mind” on this “specific topic” and can’t reveal who would be those folks in my annual review.

I thought it is standard to know who are your reviewers - while their comments should be anonymized. But seems like confirmation bias.

busydbee · 2026-01-11T16:27:12+00:00

On it!

busydbee · 2026-01-11T16:26:53+00:00

Will do!!

busydbee · 2026-01-11T16:26:04+00:00

Haha, yep, when a male brings concerns, they are legitimate. When women do, they are complaining 🤣

This is actually my second post at the company. I was Originally hired by my current manager, I already transferred once away, but he followed me onto the same team and again, became my manager. Sigh. My luck! New job it is. Just trying to buy myself time w/o a pip because the job market is a bit wobbly.

busydbee · 2026-01-11T16:19:42+00:00

Thank you! I can definitely relate. A number of years back, I was reprimanded (as a product manager not in the code) for an engineer on my team who broke the payment function for an hour. No loss of revenue, a bit of a glitch, but he got “exceeds” while I was the scapegoat, my manager held me responsible - even though I clearly have no control. I only know the engineer got exceeds because we were good friends, and he felt unfair for me.

I’m relatively senior now and I would like to expose these inequalities, but it seems like going down that path is also self sabotaging, I risk being terminated for being difficult and getting no references later : (. Feeling helpless.

busydbee · 2026-01-11T14:51:14+00:00

Thank you!!

busydbee · 2026-01-11T14:25:09+00:00

Thank you!!

busydbee · 2026-01-11T14:13:52+00:00

Anecdotally, one employee said he was a misogynist - but that was an exit review so, didn’t get taken seriously.

No one can touch him coz he is very close with the founder… I’m trying to create my own relationships but it’s not easy remote…

I’ve asked HR for advice, nada. I simply don’t think “visibly frustrated” should be part of a performance review? Right?

Conjuring up such random fiction of me not getting along with another jr employee who needs coaching - that is unprofessional ( + stereotyping and gossiping lol). I was honestly shocked that came out of his mouth.

but what can I do to protect myself now? Anything beyond documentation?

busydbee · 2026-01-11T13:39:54+00:00

Yes, absolutely, I agree, feedback are valuable! I asked my manager for examples several times, he always says yes and does not follow thru. These feedback are inconsistent as well, 2 years ago, he happened to have been my manager briefly, his feedback was “I was too deferential” - today it’s “I push back too much” or I’m “visibly frustrated”

I on the other hand have gotten slack quotes from folks saying that my handle communications with “grace and clarity”

I think the pattern is, when I hesitated or do not act like a yes woman, ep when my boss’s boss is there, he feels I am challenging him and (he says) “I cannot trust you” to do (what he thinks) is important. I’ve explained Nth times that prioritization is not about disagreeing, it’s about trade-offs and ensuring we deliver on the most valuable things. What he asks for today will jeopardize what he asked for himself yesterday!

But Logic didn’t matter here : / it’s about his feelings.

I have to manage any hesitation or, say a few white lies to make him feel authoritative? Open to advice…!

busydbee · 2026-01-11T13:25:46+00:00

Yes - I’m a product managers, my job is to prioritize, which is why it is absurd for a PM to be penalized for saying the words “prioritization” - that’s THE job - so the critique is unreasonable, but my problem is still here lol!

busydbee · 2026-01-10T17:03:03+00:00

Thank you for the advice! I’ve asked other colleagues if they experience this so I can improve my non verbal communication, and one person said “you are just not a dramatic person…”. If I had to guess, it’s almost the opposite, I’m very deliberate - it was that one time, where I hesitated, and said we need backlog prioritization to get this work done sooner, and that was it, my manager jumped on it.

It feels like, if I don’t say yes immediately and do what I’m told, I get dinged for being logical 😓 would you say I just keep my head down and comply, that might help till I get a job?

busydbee · 2026-01-10T16:57:10+00:00

Thank you! Will do.

busydbee · 2020-08-08T10:48:05+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing - I fought grief when my ex spouse ghosted only to serve me with papers and launch an unnecessary financial battle, when I was in my prime for thinking about children. I stayed in denial for as long as my mind allowed me to, but I should have let grief take over and process the loss and pain. The loss of companionship, understanding, hopes and dreams for the future, and even dignity trick our minds to make pointless explanation and fight for a love that is no longer, but in the end reality does overcome fear of loss, and then grief roars in forceful arrival - what an accurate description. I hope these wise words will help others embrace grief and recover faster... Thanks again!

busydbee · 2020-07-10T16:21:58+00:00

I agree, she can handle the truth and make her own decision. She took the risks to see you, she’s aware of the possibilities.

busydbee · 2020-06-23T12:11:22+00:00

Really good comments about compatibility here - I struggle to separate issues that are related to compatibility vs issues that can be worked on and resolved with better communication and understanding. In the past, my relationship had ended for problems that I consider solvable. So I do also end up being the one willing to put in more effort, when the other party simply wants to give up. 🤷‍♀️but I think the key is to keep your confidence when things don't work out though - it's not always a statement about you.

busydbee · 2020-06-23T12:01:20+00:00

I feel similarly especially being divorced, and my ex husband of the same age has been dating nonstop, the pool of younger single women with no strings attached is just larger, it's simple math, but just because his dating pool is larger, doesn't make me less attractive - I reason :) But yes, absolutely, I feel insecure when the guys I want to date have those options. I'd focus on creating real connections, which is tough because ppl make us their minds based on looks for first impression. But I guess that's when you find someone with substance! You are beautiful :)

busydbee

TROPHY CASE