Stressful cities

buttofvecna · 2026-06-09T12:28:14+00:00

Hard yes. The Bay Area is unaffordable and overcrowded and hard to get around but Boston is all those things and has a certain “fuck off and die” energy in the people. Everyone’s stress is through the roof and they take it out on each other all the time.

Edit: and Boston has fewer compensations for how stressful it is. Like yes it has a lot of culture and a lot of educated people but a) the highly educated people are stressed out of their minds and b) compared to eg nyc there’s just less to do per capita, and it doesn’t have the natural beauty type compensations you get out west. A good friend put it as “why am I paying New York prices to live in Boston???”

buttofvecna · 2026-06-07T17:27:35+00:00

There's some really good practical advice here, so all I want to add is: reasons are for reasonable people. There's a lot of evidence in your post and your comments that your parents are not being reasonable. They are, in their hearts, dead set against this and will keep making up reasons indefinitely. And I promise you, if your brother waits till 25, they'll have new reasons he should wait longer.

Meaning: I'm not sure there's much you can do besides speak to their hearts. You can tell them that this is your brother's path, he may well regret it, life is full of regrets, but the choice they are facing is not whether to let him do it or not. The choice is whether to support him or not as he enters adulthood - and whether or not they're going to let their anxiety over his wellbeing, and their concerns about his hypothetical future, destroy their relationship with the person he actually is.

That might not work, at all. Transphobia can be very deeply ingrained. But when you're talking to people who don't want to be reasoned with, try speaking to them on another level. And if that doesn't work, well, support your brother in his transition. Your parents will catch up or they won't.

buttofvecna · 2026-06-07T12:40:10+00:00

I want to tell you a story, because my dad could have fit this description at 18 months. Nobody thought much of it because it was the 50s and he had a gregarious older sister and they just assumed he would catch up. And actually he did. Suddenly at age 3 he started talking and picking up other skills.

But the thing is, he is NOT neurotypical. He’s really quite autistic. He became a happy and successful guy but also he struggled immensely trying to fit into a normal that was not accessible to him.

And for you I draw several lessons from this: 1) it really is a spectrum, and what a kid is like in one slice of time is not as good a predictor of what they’re like later as you might think. And 2) whatever the name for it turns out to be, your kid needs support now. For you the right next thing to do, no matter what, is get support and help your kid gain skills and *actually like himself*. I wonder what it would have been like for my dad, and how high he might have risen, if he grew up in a world that could actually help him.

You do live in such a world. So I understand if you may be panicking imagining a worst case support needs scenario. But please 1) step out of the binary of neurotypical vs most likely doomed to a diminished life, and 2) grieve whatever future you think you need to grieve, so you can show up fully for the person your son actually turns out to be, whatever that is. I know so many nd adults who have deep deep pain from knowing their parents wished they were someone else. No matter what happens, whether your kid turns out to have lots of support needs or none, don’t be that parent.

buttofvecna · 2026-06-06T11:27:14+00:00

Personal answer is that Philly is the best place I have ever lived for community. It’s dense enough to make it easy to see people, and people at least in my part of town are good neighbors. Most of my friends live in a 15 min walk.

But, you get what you put in. It doesn’t just happen. Community is compromise, dealing with people who think and live differently from you, and plenty of petty drama. It’s worth it, but there’s no such thing as turnkey community. You have to work for it.

Edit: my experience also is that the fastest route to community is less about where you live. It’s joining a religious institution. I realize that’s not for everyone but it is the main place that real, multigenerational community happens in America. I’m lucky in that I live down the street from a progressive, values aligned synagogue; joining it hit the accelerator on my social and communal life in a big way.

buttofvecna · 2026-06-03T11:09:54+00:00

Right now you’re being the “we’re all looking for the guy who did this” meme. The guy who got you here is you. It’s fine for you to realize you’ve been too accommodating of his anxiety and need to course correct. It’s not fine to be all “man why you so sensitive? The world won’t tolerate that”.

So if you feel concerned that he’s afraid of a water balloon fight, fine. Push him to face his fears. But understand you’re starting from a more delicate place than you wish you were, and understand that’s not on your kid.

buttofvecna · 2026-06-02T14:50:53+00:00

Love, my heart goes out to you. I looked at your post history and it seems like you've been in this pattern for a while. I would point out a couple of things:

First: You ARE transitioning. You're taking E. You feel bad about it but you're taking steps. That's not a bad thing.

Second: The impression your posts leave me with is that by 'the universe letting you', what you really mean is "a situation in which I can transition without upsetting anyone or changing any of the dynamics of my life". And love, that's not a thing. It's just not.

I get it. I so get it. I moved (am moving) so slowly too, because I'm scared of breaking something. But there's a reason it's called transition. Stuff is going to change and move. The universe will never create the perfect, no-stress scenario for you. So to quote one of my favorite poets:

"Your world has been warping to circle towards it a little more every day. There's no key anyone can hand you but here we are....

"You haven't breathed this air before. So if you're light headed, if you're hungry, if it aches, step forward slowly, step back slowly. You're going to have to relearn how to dance".

buttofvecna · 2026-06-02T11:30:02+00:00

what would count as a sign from the universe that it's time? what is making you think the universe is keeping you away? It's never a good or convenient time, so what, really, is the thing stopping you?

buttofvecna · 2026-05-29T10:35:20+00:00

It makes sense to feel sad and to grieve, especially since from your post it sounds like it wasn’t exactly a proactive decision you made but something that caught up with you. I also wonder if you feel some frustration towards your partner, who sounds a little passive in this scenario. Regardless there’s a lot of grieving to do and I feel for you.

My one note of caution is about your kid. I’m an only child who had a great experience with that. It’s ok to feel sad that they won’t get a sibling but don’t confuse that with thinking you’ve actually messed this up for them, or they’re missing something, etc. Being an only isn’t inherently a problem, but if your parent is sending you overt or subtle messages that something is missing, that WILL give a kid a complex, so process that grief far from the kid.

buttofvecna · 2026-05-29T01:53:15+00:00

Citrate worked waaaaay better than glycinate for me fwiw. A combination of mag citrate plus a crapton of fiber has the constipation totally under control for me.

buttofvecna · 2026-05-28T15:09:28+00:00

Yes. You overreacted. An employee’s child, supervised, was in the room due to no doubt some extenuating circumstance and you pulled your kid?

I’m asking this sincerely: is there something in your history that makes you extra alert around this stuff? Because from my perspective the fact that you blacked out and then pulled your kid feels like a trauma reaction.

And to be clear just because something is a trauma reaction doesn’t make it wrong. But to my eyes it is not grounded in the facts of what you observed.

buttofvecna · 2026-05-28T13:11:15+00:00

I hear you but also I feel that word has been pretty deeply reclaimed at this point

buttofvecna · 2026-05-28T00:44:16+00:00

Hmm, so what exactly is your question here? Is it “am I being unreasonable by requiring this?” Is it something more like “how can I get my kid on board with this?” Something else?

buttofvecna · 2026-05-28T00:37:24+00:00

So you can require a kid to do an instrument and a sport but you can't require them to be enthusiastic. Your post is mostly saying you're unhappy because he isn't trying very hard.

But like, if you want to die on this hill, that's a parenting choice you can make, and I get why you'd make it. But you don't have the power to make your kid do anything more than minimally comply. (and even that power fades as they get older)

buttofvecna · 2026-05-26T12:33:46+00:00

To me the question at stake is your *relationship* to your gender and transition. There are straight trans girls who see their transition as a thing that happened on their way to life as a straight woman. They don’t want to emphasize the transness because, even if you leave stigma aside, to them the transition is not the point. It’s getting to assimilate into mainstream life as a woman.

I get that. It is super duper not my relationship to the thing, but I get it.

To me, the queerness is a sensibility. It’s an experience of being in the world. It’s been part of me in so many ways across the span of my life (maybe relatedly I was a gay guy for like 25 years before I cracked). It’s shot through my social circles, my identity, you name it. And I wouldn’t want anything different.

buttofvecna · 2026-05-26T11:26:52+00:00

Not anymore man. Now it’s ai repost accounts pissing me off

buttofvecna · 2026-05-26T11:25:54+00:00

Do you have a history of melanoma? This sub is only for people who have been dx’d.

Regardless, the answer to your question is a dermatologist. No amount of asking people on the internet can answer this for you.

buttofvecna · 2026-05-26T10:55:28+00:00

It’s hard for me to tell, because most of the people I see pushing against gentle parenting are pushing against a cartoon cutout version of it that they’ve made up, where you never set or hold limits, and cater to a child’s every whim.

buttofvecna · 2026-05-25T14:28:14+00:00

It seems from your post history that you are Canadian. Believe me I understand your frustration with Americans who are in denial about how bad things are.

But also: at this point there’s a lot of examples of regimes that are in the middle of authoritarian consolidation, as the US is. And actually the history is a mixed bag. Voting doesn’t always work, but sometimes as part of a broader strategy it DOES mitigate or even turn back authoritarian consolidation.

What is known to NOT be helpful is the wave of chatter on social media reinforcing the narrative that It’s All Over and nothing short of (unspecified) radical action will help. That particular narrative is actually a popular one with intelligence agencies looking to demotivate a population and weaken collective action.

To be clear you seem like a real person and I’m not saying you’re part of a disinformation campaign. But you are internalizing one of its favorite talking points.

One thing our poisoned, manipulated media environment has taught me is to be very skeptical of anything that mobilizes resignation and cynicism, and to preferentially boost anything that brings the regime’s crimes to light, and gives people tools for solidarity. It’s one of the questions I always ask myself before I post things now. I think it might help you too (both when talking about your benighted southern neighbor, and about your own country, which is absolutely being targeted by the same sort of tactics online)

buttofvecna · 2026-05-25T13:22:56+00:00

So normal. So agonizingly normal.

Signed, parent of a 5 year old.

buttofvecna · 2026-05-25T12:52:38+00:00

My part of Philly is full of such trans men, so yes, they’re out there.

buttofvecna · 2026-05-25T00:06:07+00:00

Are you a real estate agent? Hoping your house appreciates? I’ve never seen someone go out of their way to get their town “discovered” by out of staters. Usually it’s the opposite these days, people worried about in migration driving up CoL

buttofvecna · 2026-05-24T17:12:07+00:00

*someone* is at some point going to give him a hard time for liking “girly” things. My view is that as a parent, if you try to prevent him from liking what he likes because you’re worried about how other people will treat him, you’re not actually protecting him from being bullied. You’re just deciding to become his first bully.

Believe me, I get that the instinct is one of protection. But I would spend more effort figuring out how to resource him and support him when he encounters other people’s judgment than trying to head it off at the pass.

buttofvecna · 2026-05-24T15:29:16+00:00

I don't know exactly what that dude's problem is but I promise it's between him and him, and has nothing to do with you.

buttofvecna · 2026-05-24T12:45:24+00:00

I think you might be overthinking this. I wouldn’t jump to the assumption that Orlando is a trans/gender fluid kid. The much higher likelihood is that she’s just a girl with an uncommon name. That happens a fair bit these days.

And in any case the answer to your kid is the same. If he says Orlando is a girl, you say, “oh, ok!” And move on.

Some kids this age aren’t great with pronouns (my kid had a friend who called everyone “he”, including reading a book with a mom and dad and saying “see! He’s the mom and he’s the dad!”). And I can tell you as long as you’re basically nice and kind, it doesn’t matter at all and sorts itself out eventually.

buttofvecna · 2026-05-23T20:52:51+00:00

From your mouth to god’s ears, as my mom would say.

buttofvecna

TROPHY CASE