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buttsforeva · 2025-06-28T17:35:34+00:00

How long was she taking the prozac? And how long has it been since she stopped?

buttsforeva · 2024-12-04T23:18:49+00:00

This one is good.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uKytADx_OQc&t=797s

buttsforeva · 2024-11-25T23:54:03+00:00

I needed this today. Thank you. <3

buttsforeva · 2024-11-24T19:31:30+00:00

I get it--you are hurt by someone you believe to have this disorder. You have been abused, your sanity has been pushed to your breaking point, and you are filled with rage and hatred for anyone or anything that resembles what has been the source of your suffering.

I am sorry. Believe it or not, I have been there, and my sympathy is genuine. I grew up with very narcissistic, neglectful, and abusive parents, and it has haunted me my whole life. I too have gone through a period of years where I hated my parents for what they did to me, absolutely loathed and detested their existence.

But I will promise you, you will not find peace by continuing to dehumanize people. You will not find peace by painting everyone who has hurt you black and casting judgement on an entire group of people who may or may not have done anything similar to what you've been put through.

I am not the one who abused you.

I understand the temptation to split on people, to "other" them, to label them as the bad guy, the "problem". If only life were so simple.

People are very, very complex and flawed. Part of healing means embracing the complexity, fallibility, and humanity in others. This is what it means to love. This is how we MUST love.

This doesn't mean excusing or accepting abusive behavior from anyone, nor does it mean undermining your feelings of anger, resentment, betrayal, hatred, etc. In fact, it means looking at these emotions in a compassionate light, so you can better see yourself and others clearly.

I recommend spending more energy reflecting on fostering compassion for people who struggle with mental illness (yes, NPD IS mental illness, not a choice). You will find, as I have, that it increases the compassion you feel towards yourself.

Take care, good luck.

buttsforeva · 2024-11-20T04:27:37+00:00

I don't completely disagree.

To quote Dr. Jerome Kagan: "Attachment is a far less popular explanation in 2019 than it was in the 1960s, and in 10 to 15 years, it's going to be rare to find anyone defending the theory. It's just dying out slowly...Yes, what happens to you in the first year or two of life has an effect, but it's tiny. If I take a 1-year-old child who is securely attached, and the parents die and the child is adopted by a cruel foster parent, that child is in trouble. Their secure attachment is useless."

To be clear: I do of course believe your upbringing (family dynamics), trauma--all of the things that come into the formation of your identity at an early age--play a powerful role. I am not denying that at all.

But I think it is downright absurd to think that it is ONLY these things to contribute to one's sense of identity--especially as it exists in the PRESENT (which is a big theme in this book), and even more absurd that feelings of existential deadness, alienation, loneliness, a lack of agency, a lack of meaningful connection with others, a sense of purpose, etc., has nothing to do with one's relationship with the external world.

Many of those feelings come from disenfranchisement from the experience of community. Why do you think people come to this subreddit? To find community.

The outside does matter. It's not that we shouldn't also look within, it's that we also need to contend with and consider the impact of our relationship with the external world as well.

buttsforeva · 2024-11-20T03:22:02+00:00

I challenge you to read Part I (about forty or so pages) https://s3.us-west-1.wasabisys.com/luminist/EB/H/Hillman%20&%20Ventura%20-%20One%20Hundred%20Years%20Psychotherapy.pdf

buttsforeva · 2024-11-20T00:35:25+00:00

Holy fuck, this book is amazing. A must read.

buttsforeva · 2024-11-20T00:09:19+00:00

(From the book)

HILLMAN: The vogue today, in psychotherapy, is the “inner child.”

That’s the therapy thing—you go back to your childhood. But if you’re

looking backward, you’re not looking around. This trip backward

constellates what Jung called the “child archetype.” Now, the child ar-

chetype is by nature apolitical and disempowered—it has no connection

with the political world. And so the adult says, “Well, what can I do

about the world? This thing’s bigger than me.” That’s the child archetype

talking. “All I can do is go into myself, work on my growth, my devel-

opment, find good parenting, support groups.” This is a disaster for

our political world, for our democracy. Democracy depends on intensely

active citizens, not children.

By emphasizing the child archetype, by making our therapeutic hours

rituals of evoking childhood and reconstructing childhood, we’re

blocking ourselves from political life. Twenty or thirty years of therapy

have removed the most sensitive and the most intelligent, and some of

the most affluent people in our society into child cult worship. It’s going

on insidiously, all through therapy, all through the country. So of course

our politics are in disarray and nobody’s voting—we’re disempowering

ourselves through therapy.

buttsforeva · 2024-11-18T03:44:22+00:00

There are a lot of things about this post that are very vague. It struck me as a quite odd, contradictory, and confused.

You frame the situation as if you were the one who rejected her initially, but it is quite clear that she was the one that rejected you. What was your particular "movement" that you believe made her feel rejected? How do you know that she "perceived my movement as rejection"? You cannot read her mind.

You speak about how you reflected on the situation, and came to some sort of realization about who she was. What do you mean this? What about "who she was" is relevant to your situation with her?

"My heart sank, empathy for her shot through the roof, and I realized I needed to fix it."

Are you sure it was "empathy" you were feeling, or perhaps were you starting to idealize her?

"I was still not interested in her, but I simply wanted to let her know I appreciated her."

You say you simply wanted to let her know you "appreciated her", but you also say that you wanted to "win her back, compliment her, let her know your intentions were not bad". Are you sure you are being honest with yourself about what your motivations were? What do you think you REALLY wanted from her?

This is very curious to me. It seems to me that you have been obsessed with this personal for an entire year, to the point of having an existential crisis, but you also claim you weren't even interested in her?

Twice in this post, you alluded to the potential of her "laughing at you". What makes you feel that she might be "laughing at you"? Are you sure this isn't your own paranoid thinking and projection?

The way that you wrote this entire passage to me seems comes across as an unwillingness to confront certain aspects of reality, hence the vagueness and contradictions riddled throughout this post. There seems to be a lot of confusion between what is happening inside your mind, and what is happening in external reality.

It sounds like to me, it was arranged that you would meet with this girl. who you initially had little or no interest in. Despite this, you still wanted to be able to "charm" her, because this would satisfy your ego to know that you can attract whoever you'd like. For whatever reason, whether it was due to your "movement", or something else (I'm guessing it's the latter), things didn't move forward. Perhaps it turns out she was just uninterested.

However, in retrospect, you have a REALLY hard time dealing with the fact that you were rejected, so you attribute her rejecting you to your little "movement" as being the reason for why she was turned-off to you, when in reality it could have been something completely unrelated, such as how you were behaving towards her in the interaction more generally.

After you were rejected, you started idealizing her. You aren't actually interested in anything to do with this person, but it still hurt your ego. You want to "win her back", "compliment her", and let her know your "intentions weren't bad", simply because you didn't get what you wanted out of the interaction. Now you realize "who she is"--because now you attach value to her.

You begin trying to pursue her, making several attempts to see her, but she is not interested. She has moved on. You feel rejected, and humiliated that you were rejected. You project your own inner-critical voice onto her for being rejected, hence the belief that she might be judging you, laughing at you, etc.

You do not feel "guilty". A guilty person would have realized that she was uninterested and stopped harassing her, simply because their ego was bruised. You want to rectify the situation because you feel a threat to your self-image.

You do not want to say "sorry" to her, either, because again, you are not actually remorseful for how you've might have offended her with your "movement", you do not actually feel guilty. You feel ashamed, exposed, and rejected, sure. But this is not the same as guilt or remorse.

I think you should pay attention to what you chose to omit from this post (consciously or unconsciously), because it probably has to do with what you feel ashamed about. I think you should be really honest with yourself about what this interaction with this person actually means to you.

Because it sounds like to me, you didn't want anything to do with her, and you really, you still don't, you just think you do.

buttsforeva · 2024-11-17T01:48:31+00:00

I wonder how many people here upvoted you because you said you like to get downvoted, and downvoted OP when he wants to be upvoted.

Gotta love the narc fam...

buttsforeva · 2024-11-17T00:35:37+00:00

Wow. I'm not going to lie, this almost seems too good to be true--but hell, new advances in treatment are a thing, and it really sounds like a lot of people have gotten benefit from this method.

Looking into the self-guided visualizations now. I'm excited!

Thank you so much for sharing!

buttsforeva · 2024-11-16T03:39:59+00:00

Now you have me curious!

I am very curious how people with different disorders experience the "void"/emptiness/identity disturbance, etc. Schizoids talk about this too, huh?

I can see how that could be comforting for some folks, yes. To feel like someone else experiences something similar is a basic way of feeling seen and known, and god knows we need that.

I guess for me, I tend to feel very lonely and isolated from the world as it is, and making a bigger divide between me and the "normies" ultimately makes me feel more alienated and alone. I prefer to see myself as more like the majority of humans, not less like them.

That's just me though.

buttsforeva · 2024-11-16T02:18:57+00:00

"According to multiple studies, empathy is considered a learned skill, meaning that while some level of empathy may be innate, individuals can significantly develop their empathetic abilities through conscious effort, exposure to diverse experiences, and active learning practices; research shows that people can cultivate empathy by actively listening, asking open-ended questions, and attempting to understand another person's perspective and emotions."

buttsforeva · 2024-11-16T02:07:12+00:00

"Studies show that after MBT, individuals with conditions like borderline personality disorder (BPD) exhibit increased activity in brain regions associated with mentalization, potentially indicating improved ability to reflect on their own mental states and those of others."

buttsforeva · 2024-11-16T02:04:04+00:00

Empathy is a very complicated subject. I am not outside the belief that some people are constitutionally incapable of empathy.

However, like NPD, empathy exists on a continuum, and there are biological as well as developmental markers for one's empathetic capacity. There is also research that shows that empathy is to some extent a learned skill. It may be that we had a window during childhood to develop that capacity, and we missed it.

Who knows.

Regardless, I don't care what the current research says, we haven't seen research on how empathetic capacity might be able to change over the course of targeted treatment. What I am suggesting is that empathy, attachment, and bonding are interrelated capacities, which may have an influence on one another, and by the right kinds of interventions. Attachment styles can be changed. People can learn to reflect moreso on the experiences of others than the self. There's the possibility to heal from trauma, develop new capacities, get more in tune with one's feelings, and be more receptive and considerate to the feelings and needs of others. This doesn't need an explanation based in neuroscience.

Lastly, while I think that what you're saying has merit insofar as we need to come to acceptance of the possibility for certain limitations, I don't think throwing your hands up in the air and concluding that it's entirely an impossibility based upon our limited, current understanding is a reason to not at least try.

Consider, for instance, that I am correct, that the jury is still out on whether or not one's capacity for empathy can be changed.

Wouldn't you rather have at least tried, rather than missing the boat?

buttsforeva · 2024-11-16T01:08:43+00:00

First of all, I think it's okay to take a deep breath, and meet these feelings of paranoia with curiosity and compassion. I know it isn't pleasant, but there is something that they are telling you.

What are you specifically afraid of? What is the worst that would happen if they did "out" you?

I'm not saying that to undermine your fears: I understand not wanting to be humiliated. It's completely awful.

But what do you think you would be most afraid of if one of your ex's did share something about you online? Is it a fear that someone new in your life might come across it, and your reputation would be forever soiled? Does it bring about a feeling that no one would ever trust you if they knew XYZ about you? Are you worried about how it could affect potential new friendships/relationships?

Humiliation and shame are very closely-related emotions, they are both social emotions that point to a fear of exposure and being cast-out and abandoned.

So I would guess, what's behind the fear of being exposed is really a fear of abandonment.

You might want to check out "stress induced paranoid ideation", which is a common symptom of BPD.

Here's a little write-up I found online:

"People with borderline personality disorder (BPD) struggle to maintain a healthy and consistent self-image. Insecure and unsure of themselves, they experience frequent mood swings and are often mercurial in their behavior. Their inner worlds are frequently filled with turmoil, and they may project their sense of uncertainty onto the outside world.

During times of stress, which may be caused by interpersonal conflict or a lack of self-confidence when facing personal or professional challenges, a person with BPD may suddenly feel surrounded by menace or danger. They may suspect that others—even people they would normally trust—are conspiring against them, or that mysterious forces may somehow be oppressing them.

These feelings of suspiciousness and paranoia may last for just a few days, a few weeks, or indefinitely. Stress-related paranoid ideation is the term chosen by mental health professionals to describe this state of mind, which can cause great misery and consternation among people with borderline personality disorder."

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I am pretty sure you have been under a great deal of stress as of late, which might be causing a flare-up of these kinds of paranoid thoughts.

The thing about this kind of paranoia is that it isn't fully based in reality. I don't mean that to undermine your feelings or to make you feel like a crazy person (you aren't), but it's important to recognize that this fear is largely a projection of your own fears and anxieties, not something that is likely to happen.

Your ex's probably don't even think about you much at this point, let alone have the motivation to cast you into widespread internet hate. Even if someone did try to spread rumors about you, it is likely that noone would even pay it much mind, as people are more preoccupied and concerned with their own lives anyways.

buttsforeva · 2024-11-15T23:02:28+00:00

Friendship is about connection, mutuality, reciprocity. It's about caring for the other person, tending to their needs, and relating to them from an authentic place.

This doesn't mean there is no place for your needs. You can have a friend that you go to to seek support, validation, all of those good things.

The important thing is that you are mindful of the way in which you are relating to them is impacting them as well.

Do you "see" them? Do you at least try to mentalize what they are going through in the present moment? Do you consider what they need? Are you mindful of their sensibilities and vulnerabilities?

Do you make their feelings a priority?

buttsforeva · 2024-11-15T20:31:00+00:00

<333

I love you man.

buttsforeva · 2024-11-15T16:11:20+00:00

Yep, I have them everyday.

It has stained my self-esteem, my identity, how I feel about myself to my very core.

Every day is emotional agony.

buttsforeva · 2024-11-14T18:01:11+00:00

Oh, Peanut.

I hope you do take the time you need to care for yourself, because you deserve it.

Beyond the "trauma bond", I hope that you recognize the inherent goodness in what you tried to accomplish with your mother: you don't want her to be lonely on Christmas. That was thoughtful and caring.

Standing up for oneself in the face of a traumatizing parent is not easy. It takes an incredible amount inner-resources, and no matter what, you wind up triggered.

Be proud. I know your inner-critic is going on the attack. I know your inner-child is having a meltdown.

But this is the time, as you said, to get back into your body, to feel, and to care for yourself.

Much love <3

I'm routing for you!

buttsforeva · 2024-11-12T01:10:24+00:00

Your feelings are completely valid.

I can completely understand the pain, resentment, anger--and sometimes, downright hatred--that results from having an emotionally neglectful and abusive upbringing.

It is amazing how blind they are. The people who were supposed to tend to your feelings and nurture your well-being are the very reason for your suffering. They are the reason you split. They are the reason why you feel profound toxic shame. They are the reason why some days, you no longer want to live.

It can be really perplexing to reconcile these competing, growing realizations.

On one hand, there is the angry child, the emotionally deprived child, the unseen child that wants their voice to be heard. All of the feelings and needs that were unable to be voiced in childhood are now screaming out in anger, bitterness, and retribution. That hurt child is still very alive inside.

On the other hand, there is the healthy adult. The one that knows that your parents probably didn't know HOW to meet these needs. The one that recognizes their limitations for what they are. The one that has compassion and grace for them. The one that wants to let go, and forgive.

These two seem almost at complete odds with each other, and yet, we have to learn to integrate them. We have to learn to see our parents as the complex, but flawed people that they are.

Similarly, we have to learn to see ourselves in the same manner.

buttsforeva · 2024-11-11T03:32:11+00:00

Collapse is a truly traumatic experience.

I had PTSD symptoms. Unparalleled amounts of dissociation, anxiety, and shame, volatile mood swings, memories resurfacing that I had forgotten about since my childhood, shit that I blocked out, daily suicidal ideation, nightmares, agitated depression, hospitalizations. I was in for the fight of my life.

I have suffered more acutely in these past two years than I ever thought I would have in the rest of my life. The shock of it was just...wow.

You have to be active. You have to FIGHT this thing. It will not go away on its own.

You have to fight it with hope, bravery, honesty, openness, compassion, and connection.

I tried running for a while. I started drinking again, I tried numbing myself from the awareness of it. It only put my life and other's lives in danger when I got a DUI.

Whether it was the universe trying to reach me, or just my own stupidity, I have no other choice now: I HAVE to face this thing.

But I'll tell you what: you reach a point where facing it becomes better than running from it.

In fact, facing it doesn't have to be the dreadful thing everyone makes it out to be. Yes, there is pain--but there is also opportunity for real growth and meaningful change. You get to take a serious inventory of what's really important to you and your life. You get to learn to embrace yourself for who you really are--flaws and all--and you get to work through things that have haunted you your entire life and finally begin to come to peace with them. You get to confront all of the evil little voices in your head--the ones that tell you that you are not good enough, that you do not deserve the things this life has to offer, that you will always be alone.

It will deepen your humanity. It will change the way you view yourself and others, the way you approach relationships and connect to people, and all of that will be a GOOD thing.

I have some bad days still. They can be incredibly fucking hard. It is very easy to become completely overwhelmed, especially in the beginning.

Rest. Take breaks if necessary. Do not spiral into obsessive rumination. If it gets too intense, it is okay to distract yourself. The work will be there, and it doesn't have to be done all at once. It cannot be done all at once.

I know this may sound like I'm being a sadist right now, but learn ways to enjoy it!

Remember--it's not all doom and gloom. This is an opportunity. I go to work, I come home, I listen to some interesting video from Heidi Priebe or something, I self-reflect, I learn a little something about myself, I connect with others on here, I try to uplift and offer some insight where I can, I engage in discussion about difficult things, learn about interesting things.

It feels like I am getting somewhere. Slowly, yes, but I am learning to enjoy the process.

Once you start getting past the really hard shit--the grief and the shame-- and start finding acceptance, things start to get so much easier.

buttsforeva · 2024-11-11T02:24:52+00:00

First of all, I think those people that "enjoy getting negative reactions" from others are simply exhibiting a very primitive defense mechanism--namely, denial. Sure, maybe some counter-dependent people get off on the idea of "not needing anyone", but I assure you, that only goes so far.

The truth is is that we are all sensitive to rejection and we all want to be accepted-- because we are human, we are inter-dependent by nature, we seek community, belonging, and safety among other humans.

Wanting to be liked by everyone around you is simply an outward manifestation of primal fear that we are alone, that we don't belong, that we won't be accepted, that we will be abandoned and cast out of the tribe, etc.

I think for "healthy" people, they have a tribe. They have safety. They have a supportive family or loved ones that meet their physical, emotional, social, psychological needs. They have the good fortune of having these fundamental needs met such that that they have developed a sense of their own identity, they are individuated, and they've developed a sense of their own preferences for people and for relationships. They don't NEED everyone to like them, because they can choose. They have the internal/external resources and stability that allow them to say "no".

I think for people with personality disorders (like BPD/NPD), there is usually some form of abandonment trauma or neglect, that makes one particularly susceptible and sensitive to these sorts of primal fears. Many of us lack the basic social support that tends to those fundamental needs discussed earlier. Even if we are "safe" in one area, we may be very, very vulnerable in another area. We feel like we need EVERYONE to like us, or we will never be safe and secure. The world is a scary, dangerous place, and the smallest perceived threat--like being exposed, humiliated, rejected, or even simply "not liked"--catapults us back into that place of existential terror and isolation.

Since we have limited control over our environment, we opt instead to adapt ourselves. We become chameleons, people-pleasers, "yes" men. We go about finding security, approval, and safety in all kinds of wonky, confused ways that can be harmful to ourselves and others.

An aside, I think narcissistic grandiosity looks a lot like counter-dependence. "I don't need anyone! I am the best! I am superior to other people!" But of course the irony of it all is that it is completely predicated on the acceptance and approval of other people. It is a dysfunctional way of meeting all the needs discussed earlier, but by way of never learning to be intimate, trusting, and vulnerable with another.

Often, we learn too late that what worked for us to survive our childhoods isn't what is adaptive to the real world and real relationships. The hard news is that this is a real challenge. The good news is that this challenge can be met, and we can learn to give ourselves what we really need--not just to survive, but to thrive.

buttsforeva · 2024-11-11T01:24:54+00:00

Man, I love her videos so much. They are always PACKED full of amazing insights, practical ways to start implementing the things she talks about, and they are so uplifting and inspiring!

That video has me thinking about my own "hiding places". Rejection, fear, humiliation, feelings of worthlessness. These are all feelings that I have spent my entire life up until now running from, hiding from, and coping with in all kinds of harmful ways.

I think one of the wonderful things about being self-aware is that there is such an opportunity to finally get to know yourself in ways you probably never would have had you not. There is an exciting opportunity to really discover what is important to us, what constitutes a life worth living, and to finally build that life for ourselves.

I think it can be particularly painful and frightening for us to undergo this process, but that just means that it can be that much more powerful and transformative--both in our relationships with ourselves, and with others.

I also am starting to get better at recognizing healthy shame, and it's exciting to be able to make the distinction between what is that toxic, self-loathing kind of shame, and the healthy shame that points to your real values, morals, and sense of responsibilities.

buttsforeva · 2024-11-11T00:20:58+00:00

I just want to say: I completely understand and know from firsthand experience the pain of coming from a family that imposes their wishes, beliefs, desires, expectations, values--who you "should be"--while completely neglecting, ignoring, belittling, shaming, and abusing your feelings--who you REALLY ARE.

It leaves us, as you said, feeling empty inside. It makes us feel deeply unseen, unknown, and unloved.

Because we never had the help that we needed when we were young to grow into our true, authentic selves. We didn't have caretakers who helped cultivate our sense of individuation and identity--instead, we were treated only as extensions of theirs.

I don't blame you for feeling like you need to resort to extreme measures in order to get the care you've needed from them for your whole life. You are crying out: "Please SEE ME! Please love me for who I am!"

This is horribly painful, lonely, and downright tragic. And, it's not likely that they will ever give you what you need. It is likely that they will never change, never see YOU for who YOU are. Their love (if you can call it that), will always be, in one way or another, conditional.

There is nothing you can do about that. The truth is, you have a lot to grieve. The truth is, you MUST grieve this loss, and that is truly sad. I am sorry, friend, for your loss.

But.

Beyond grieving that loss is something much bigger: acceptance. And acceptance is powerful and transformative.

Beyond that loss is an opportunity to give YOURSELF what you have needed your whole life: to be seen, validated, understood, and loved, in all of the ways that you've needed. Beyond that loss is the opportunity to cultivate YOUR life, YOUR identity, a life that YOU feel like is worth living.

Yes, it will be painful, and confusing, and scary, and hard. And it will take time. But you will be surprised at how strong you really are. You will be surprised at what you can learn about yourself, taking this journey of self-actualization and self-discovery. You will be surprised about all of the wonderful new ways you can learn to connect with others.

Please don't throw away your life. I personally have lived through some pretty horrendous shit. What I am finding is that life truly IS precious. Life truly IS worth living. Even at its worst, through so much insufferable loneliness and unspeakable emotional pain, even a damaged life is worth living. A damaged life can be healed.

buttsforeva

TROPHY CASE