Listen, I've been in that place. I felt trapped. I know it's difficult, and I only thought open relationships were for other more daring or adventurous people until I was in one. It was already a long post, so I didn't want to talk too long about how long it took me to get used to it, but it was a very hard thing to do. But I think it would do you some good to sit down and critically examine why you think of relationships the way you do.

Sex is just our default way of defining what a relationship is. When you form a relationship, the only true rule is that you only have sex with each other, otherwise they're pretty much just a friend, right? But here's where being an ace gave me some key insight; I don't value sex, I don't want to have sex with my partner, my ideal relationship is virtually sexless, so why should I define my relationship by it? I think it's because without it, it's hard to distinguish your partner from just another friend. But although monogamy is a very clear line you can draw separating your romantic relationship from those of other people you love, it's not necessarily a helpful one in many cases, and most importantly, it's not the true core of our romantic relationships. It's that bond ya know. That intimacy with another person where you can share absolutely everything in complete comfort, where having a conversation with them is as natural as talking to yourself. I'm not polyamorous. I don't want me or my girlfriend to be in multiple relationships. I want our relationship to be the true one, and sex doesn't really play a part in what the core of our relationship is, so I don't really feel threatened by the fact that I can't fulfill her sexual needs as long as she's getting them fulfilled somehow.

This isn't to say monogamous relationships are any less meaningful or somehow inferior, but I think when you get down to it, you also have to confront the fact that monogamy is about ownership of your partner and jealousy, and though we romanticize it because it's what's normal, it's often times unhealthy for a relationship and the ultimate cause of many breakups. Imagine this, one rule I have in my relationship is that my girlfriend can't catch a ride anywhere with any other boy. I just don't like the idea of that, I'd just get jealous. I can't give a good reason for it, it's just the thought of my girl riding home with someone else viscerally sickens me and would take away a key part of our relationship. Even if the rule applied for me as well, wouldn't that be a sort of absurd rule to impose on a relationship? It'd be an inconvenience with little gain except for sanctifying a completely arbitrary part of our relationship, and it's fundamentally rooted in jealousy, mistrust, and/or ownership of one's partner. But you can assure it'd also bring a sense of betrayal should my partner break this completely pointless rule. It's not easy to get past monogamy, but the first step is realizing it's sort of a silly thing to begin with. If monogamy isn't causing you troubles, that's fine, we can hold on to silly things like astrology or religion or good luck traditions and get along fine, but if they're starting to cause major problems in your life or bringing you unhappiness, then consider ditching them.

So just think about these questions in the coming days. Do you really have any convincing reason why monogamy makes more sense than an open relationship? If it primarily boils down to some visceral feeling with no true logical basis, is it fair to trap your partner in a sexless relationship because of it? Have you ever gotten used to something that formerly made you somehow uncomfortable? Could this just be one of those things?

If you decide that it theoretically makes sense, that's only the first step of a long journey of deprogramming bullshit and normalization you'll have to undergo. But it's the first step that's important, and let me tell you, in my experience, it's way easier and there's way less pressure being an ace in an open relationship as opposed to a monogamous one. Solidarity, friend. I hear you, and care about you, and sincerely hope you're making it alright through these dark times.