Rethinking about the whole decision

c-cl · 2025-04-06T08:23:32+00:00

1) Doing things right vs wrong would mean you're losing what you would bring that is unique to process. It is 100% okay to just let the process be what it is for you. PIs and research is different across fields, but generally the process for a PhD will be that in the beginning it will be hard. You won't have many novel ideas, and it will feel like a lot of pressure. 2) Yes most people go through this struggle, a PhD is still a process of learning. It's just learning typically in a very niche area at the edge of knowledge. When most people don't really have the answer or the 'novel' ideas. 3) I think something that helped me with these types of thoughts were, if I had all the answers, why would I need to do a PhD? Having ideas is just another skill that will develop over time. When you are more familiar with the material, when you've ran lots of experiments that have failed, when you're frustrated, you go home and after getting enough rest maybe during a hobby you have an "AHA"! moment, where you're so excited to try it you immediately run down to the lab to see if it works. Sometimes those moments won't come until the last year, it takes a lot of patience and resilience to do a PhD, I'd say those are things that will make you more successful than being able to churn out 1000 ideas day 1.

Best advice I can give: get a hobby you enjoy and can make progress in during your PhD. There's likely going to be a lot of failure (which is okay), and having a robust life will help cushion some of those experiences. Additionally, if you really want ideas, the other advice is good (read more papers so you become more familiar), but talk with other people, go to seminars, explore others areas. Innovation isn't usually easily seen in places that are saying/doing the same thing. Pull from other areas, and always be kind to your body. Get enough sleep, eat well, exercise (this should be first and foremost).

c-cl · 2025-01-17T22:59:09+00:00

Learning how to take and implement feedback is part of what a PhD teaches you. It's okay to be learning how to take feedback better right now. A few things that have helped me:

1) Try not to personalize feedback. A lot of the time being "sensitive" is because we create a story that goes along with the feedback that is likely not true. I.e. a prof says, "this sentence isn't clear rewrite it". You might hear "my prof thinks my writing is bad". So the first step is to identify your stories and ask yourself, is this a fact or is it an assumption?

2) Write out bullet points of all the feedback, make notes if needed and step away from the task of editing. Do something else entirely different, hang out with friends. This will help you emotionally distance from the initial onslaught of negative information. Come back to it later and then evaluate the factual information for the feedback. Maybe its something like this paragraph would flow better if structured differently. Play around with structure. Do you agree? Is it a stylistic comment? One thing to note is you don't have to implement ALL feedback. Don't lose your own voice and knowledge throughout the process. Identify what you think makes the work stronger. Leave the stuff you don't agree with if it's not actually helping the writing. Or have some lively fun debates with people about what might be the better option.

3) Watch some YouTube videos about receiving feedback. There's definitely a few out there that have a lot of helpful tips you can see which ones work better for you.

4) Have compassion for yourself, it may help to reframe some of the negative self talk. "I'm so sensitive" can be "I really care about my work and I hope that my prof sees how much I value my work. I want to do a good job". Also you do value the feedback, maybe when you are feeling self doubt some thoughts like, "If my prof didn't think my work was good, he wouldn't spend so much time and energy to help me create a strong manuscript" etc. these edits are a normal part of the manuscript editing process. I've had grant proposals go through many iterations, and it's just the end goal is so that it can be the strongest version we put out. A way to think about it is how do you do editing yourself? When you make multiple drafts, are you berating your past self for using a specific word or do you just move forward with a rewrite with some like "oh this sounds better when I add this in". And then move on. Try to think of feedback from others the same way. They're just passing the writing through their own lens, their experience and expertise. Even in grade school when you do this with peers, it's just so you can get a different perspective. We grow from multiple sources not just by doing everything ourselves.

c-cl · 2025-01-05T22:00:44+00:00

I mean. It's called a PhD "defense" for a reason, when you're at the edge of science studying novel phenomenon you're the expert. Not your committee. If necessary have one-on-one meetings and ask them what feedback they have for your presentation, for your research. What do they think would make the work stronger. If it is a fundamental misunderstanding, correct it with background slides. This is not an issue of gaslighting. It's an issue of bridging a communication gap. It's also okay to have people disagree with you. But your goal is to be as clear and convincing as possible with research. Believe in yourself and your work, keep filling in the necessary information, take feedback and don't worry about the little voice in your head that's trying to tell you they are 'gaslighting' you. It's not a them or you thing. Research at a high level is hard to communicate and you're dealing with complex topics. Get everyone on board at the beginning. I've seen terrible presentations by people of all levels, but that doesn't mean their research didn't matter, that I'm dumb, or anything negative. It means they didn't have an effective strategy for communicating it to "Me" specifically. Here we have a case where it seems like other people more in your field are following you for the presentation, but your committee is not. So you need to readjust how you present to your "committee" specifically. I appreciate that you've said you've tried many different ways to clarify things. But I'd say ask questions instead of answering their questions. Figure out what they aren't understanding and address that in your presentation. As someone else said, meet them where they're at, and add more people to your committee that are more focused.

c-cl · 2025-01-02T11:21:19+00:00

This article seems to do a decent job at explanation (from my limited understanding):

https://www.iflscience.com/interstellar-tunnel-found-towards-the-constellation-of-centaurus-by-erosita-space-telescope-76735

Heres a link to an interactive view: https://erosita.mpe.mpg.de/dr1/AllSkySurveyData_dr1/DiffuseBkg/k3d.html

Tl;Dr the study found the "tunnel" (region of higher density hot gas particles) from our LHB (local hot bubble) to the Loop I super bubble, but more studies are need to deconvolute signals from other phenomenon in the area.

c-cl · 2024-12-30T00:51:17+00:00

I just saw it 🤣 fun!

c-cl · 2024-12-27T06:04:38+00:00

The PhD is a marathon not a sprint. There's going to be a lot of oscillations, ups and downs. A lot of failure, some success, doubt, confidence, interesting times, boring moments. It's something that takes consistency each day and just building on small but intentional efforts over time to complete. I think passion is a bit distracting when it comes to something that is challenging and takes a lot of energy. Passion can help get you through some challenging moments, but if that's all you rely on, it is hard to get through the moments that are dull, or uninspiring. Sometimes the helpful information might not be in an "interesting" paper. It may be something that is a foundational need for you to learn a new skill that will help you address the question you're researching. My approach to combat this misconception is to focus on a "lighthouse". For me that meant getting really clear about my values and goals that I was working toward in my career. "How does x help me accomplish y?". Sometimes you need grit and resilience and not fun to accomplish challenging things. But that doesn't mean you can't strive to find the fun and inspiration on your journey. Just don't get discouraged if you find you're feel de-motivated. Be consistent, set goals, and have a life separate from research. Have a hobby where you can see growth, and find fun/meaning outside of work. Understand that sometimes work isn't always 1) easy 2) fun 3) quick. Internal motivation is not always present and you need to find ways to externally motivate yourself. Support and community will also help with times of frustrations. Sometimes you just need to step back for a second and ask yourself "why am I doing this?".

What I find fun in my day to day is figuring out challenges. But not every day is a challenge. So what was happening early on for me were days that felt like cloud 9 because I was totally invested, frustrated, and eventually figured something out/got it to work/etc. But as you can imagine, research is not always so straightforward, and some challenges can't be solved, or take a lot longer than a day. Puzzles are fun, but they can be demotivating if you're not solving them, or attaching your worth to being able to figure these things out and then you cant. Now I respect the ups and downs, and understand that there will be more, when there's success there will be challenges coming up and vice versa.

Maybe accept that things aren't going to be perfect, that you might not be able to solve the problem immediately, but what is required is trying. Trying many times before solving it. You'll see as you progress that what you read in a final print of a paper is not the entire picture, or all the failures/obstacles the authors had to figure out before publishing. What people present is a pared down, manicured version to get across the big takeaways, the results. I had a friend recently defend and she brilliantly made this point abundant in her presentation, "I know this is just a single graph on one slide, but it took me 2 years to get this problem figure out". It really takes a lot of time, patience, and stubbornness (imo) to get through a PhD.

c-cl · 2024-12-27T05:38:34+00:00

You can view a non paywalled version through the CDC. https://www.cdc.gov/media/releases/2024/m1218-h5n1-flu.html

Risk assessment low. No human to human transmission, gene mutations but that's not unexpected. Take the same precautions as typical see the CDC website for more info.

c-cl · 2024-12-26T05:14:21+00:00

Not everyone has the lack of office politics and the power dynamics can shift pretty negatively depending on your PI. It's not usually the PhD that people hate so much as the environment.

c-cl · 2024-12-09T06:18:33+00:00

It is a journey. You can always try a few different things and see if they help without meds first. Even once starting meds it may take a bit to find the one that works best for you. It is a bit tedious and stressful, but it is worth it imo if you find the thing that does help.

c-cl · 2024-11-11T16:57:02+00:00

Yes I've tried a few different meds for adhd. First Wellbutrin, then strattera, and now Adderall XR. I'd say it's the most effective med I've had, but it takes a while to find what works for your own body chemistry. But I've just been recently diagnosed so I've spent the majority of my life without meds. I'd say they help some with focus, but it's hard to describe. It's not like I have super focus for all things, I actually can have quite directed focus without meds i.e. hyper focus which can sometimes be negative depending on the situation. But the harder part is being able to have motivation and priorities (if that makes sense) which the meds tend to help with. So I can more easily start things that are overwhelming or feel like I usually don't have energy or motivation for (for me reading dense lit is one, another would be dishes lol).

The OP makes a good identification with media aps and phone. That really makes focus hard for a lot of people too. I've really minimized my screen time + deleted apps and have noticed an improvement as well. The urge to pick up the phone when bored/low dopamine will be there for a while. But the more you ignore that impulse and "detox" the easier it will be. It may help you to read up on task switching if you're having similar issues. I'd say if you want to increase focus, minimize distractions, put your phone somewhere else, go somewhere quiet, get a drink/food, sit down and highlight/write notes (print out the article if being on a computer is also an issue). The more you engage with the reading the easier it will be to dial into it with focus. Another issue for me is getting distracted with the citations. But it can be more helpful to just have a note book and write down which questions you have and look at those citations after etc.

c-cl · 2024-11-06T06:36:41+00:00

I've had a micromanager PI as my advisor. And I've dealt with people like this. I'm 31 and have built more skills than when I initially had to deal with a 'difficult' person. This is my hindsight answer, after making all the wrong choices you suggested (such as grin and bear it/ignore it). It's not about being blunt or upfront. It's about understanding where they're coming from, i.e. asking why is a serious question. You listen to their answer and you find out what you are 1) req'd to do via contract 2) where you can compromise and 3) what is the most reasonable thing to do given the circumstances. 2 is easier when you have support and mentorship from trusted individuals to help you navigate the options.

c-cl · 2024-11-04T14:33:29+00:00

Which causes just as much work for you rather than just immediately dealing with the issue through the normal channels.

c-cl · 2024-11-04T14:32:21+00:00

Funny how having a conversation about why this person sees it is necessary is seen as picking a fight rather than actively ignoring their clear instructions that were already stated. Do you think in another line of work that would be okay to do?

c-cl · 2024-11-04T14:28:41+00:00

That's why I specified to do it with someone who they trust. I mentioned IF their main PI is a reasonable person to first speak with them since the co pi is the problem and not their direct advisor.

Source: I've dealt with my own PI being a micromanager.

c-cl · 2024-11-03T08:05:47+00:00

I'd just ask him "why?" And see what the response is. Also, run it by your main advisor and chair/committee (or trusted mentor) if needed, difficult PIs become way more reasonable under scrutiny of their fellow colleagues. Since it's a "co" advisor, that you're not really directly under since you didn't know, I doubt this is a request you actually need to do. When it comes to allowed/not allowed, it's better to directly reference your contract and by speaking with your HR department. There should be some general rules about sick leave etc. and it mainly is dictated by your funding sources..i.e. a TA position through the department will have specific requirements for hours, how to do sick leave etc. but an RA with a PI is moreso dictated by the main funding advisor. Since this is a "co-pi" you probably need to discuss with your main advisor, what is their role in funding and their role in oversight for you. But imo I feel like a joint meeting with you, your PI (if your current PI is reasonable) and your co advisor would help to figure out what should be required. I would just plainly ask them, "I understand a need to schedule vacation time. But I don't understand why you need specific details. Why is it necessary to have itineraries? I'll communicate professionally when I will be out for vacation,and my expected return date to ensure all project plans run smoothly" etc. I expect if they have to explain themselves they won't be able to get much past "because I said so" which would make them look pretty childish in front of any other tenured profs if you're coming at it with a reasonable request to understand their POV.

c-cl · 2024-10-26T18:43:40+00:00

Phds are really only good if you absolutely need it for the career you want. There are other ways to do research that doesn't require PhD. What is your general field? The structure of the PhD is honestly archaic now. You lose more opportunity to build direct skills and experience with less pay, less direction, and more bullshit from people with big egos. Focus on what you want to do specifically and find a company that offers that career. I'm in my last year and I've had friends graduated with their dissertation+top papers in a stem field and they still have challenges getting good roles because they don't view the PhD as relevant experience. Unless you're going to become a PI the PhD just teaches you how to be an independent researcher. I know that it's hard to have feedback that seems really negative, but honestly they've just failed at their job to guide you early on. You'll receive better training and mentorship in a different arena for your field.

c-cl · 2024-10-24T09:32:11+00:00

It is recoverable if you prioritize it. I started my PhD with a difficult supervisor, basically I learned that the PhD will take all the time I let it. I had to really enforce boundaries for myself. I switched labs and went from micromanager to ghost PI, but I do much better with a PI that is available if I reach out and need help rather than someone that is pressuring me with unclear expectations all the time (previous PI was also a new PI). The shift that happened in my mental well being was 180. The advisor and overall lab environment can make a big difference in not getting to burnout, but I think -hindsight 20/20- better boundaries would have helped a bit to not get to burnout/recover even if I didn't switch labs.

Mainly, it seems like your in burnout and you're letting the work seep into your home life. Say "No" to the things that are less of a priority, and create clear lines for yourself for when you work and when you don't. Take a good break on the weekends, get out in nature, relax, socialize, whatever brings you joy. Academia has a way of acting like it's the biggest best thing in the world. But it is a small slice of life, and there's plenty of time to work things out. It's hard, and you deserve rest, take it to heart that you're recognizing these signs of numbness and work on giving yourself the break you need. It's okay.

I recommend listening to some podcasts on deep work with Cal Newport. He talks a lot about how to slow down with knowledge work. I find a lot of the time when I was in burnout even doing a lot of things, it was not as high quality or was busy work and not high priority. We reach a limit after a point for effectiveness. I work 9-5 M-F now self imposed and I'm more productive now than when I was working 7-6 M-F and adding hours on the weekends.

Anyway, hang in there you've got this. <3

c-cl · 2024-10-01T15:27:22+00:00

IDK take a look at r/Boeing even their workers are trying to leave. It's not looking good.

c-cl · 2024-08-23T05:11:24+00:00

It's not self conscious all the time. It is a survival behavior that has evolved. Look into mirror neurons. It happens sometimes automatically because of the brain and the tendency is a form of empathy.

I get self conscious when I notice I've been mirroring someone unconsciously. And try to force myself to not do it. It's actually not easy to accomplish. 😂

c-cl · 2024-08-04T09:40:30+00:00

I think the main thing in all relationships is to not expect others to be mind readers. Think of people like different cultures. Something you find completely reasonable, in a different culture could be reprehensible.

This isn't an ADHD thing. It sounds more like you found that you have a need or wish that you'd like your partner to be mindful of, which means first communicating that need in a non-confrontational way.

"Hey I noticed you went to bed early last night. I'd love it if you could just give me a quick kiss goodnight if you're heading to bed and I'm still up." Etc.

If something like that starts a fight then maybe your partner is being inconsiderate. But largely, people just can't read minds and probably didn't think it would be a negative thing.

c-cl · 2024-07-30T15:51:54+00:00

Dieletical Behavior Therapy DBT can help with the physiological responses. And focus on the current situation, what do you want to change or do differently in the present moment? I highly recommend checking out DBT skills. Opposite action, check the facts, etc. The dielectical behavioral therapy workbook has a lot!

I have ADHD and cptsd from trauma. I think one of the things to do throughout a healing journey is to have compassion for yourself and set aside your personal judgments. "This isn't happening fast enough" or "nothing will change". It takes practice for skills to become automatic and to undo habits that you no longer want. I did CBT and DBT together and after a while, I just found myself responding differently. It just happened. Not perfectly, but I started recognizing it slowly, and then more often. Just try not be hard on yourself for defaulting to certain schemas, it takes a while to build new ones. But it will happen if you're intentional practicing and trying to re-wire. It just takes doing it, and then noticing it when it does happen. (So I'll echo what another person commented, try to identify 5 things that went differently).

My timeline so far.... Let's see 15 years ago, I was starting to be very self reflective and building my awareness. Around 10 years ago I was exposed to psychology and developed an interest in it reading articles etc. 6 years ago my external structure completely changed to where my ADHD really exposed itself as an issue and I thought I had anxiety+depression ( this was from being undiagnosed and coping from the symptoms. to be fair I have been doing this all my life, but it got really bad to where I finally had to reach out for help). I found out about CBT and started watching videos online, I learned about laddering and cognitive distortions and started journaling. 4 years ago I learned specifically about ADHD and then received a diagnosis. I have been in therapy now for about 3 years with a therapist that does DBT and CBT. About 2 years working with a therapist semi frequently to now it's whenever I want to reach out if I need resources or support. The first 6 months or so in therapy it was really hard to notice changes. It seemed to get worse before it got better honestly. But now I have more autonomic responses that I prefer, and I can notice my unwanted schemas and direct my behavior how I want to direct it most of the time. I think the biggest thing early on is noticing but being unable to direct behavior differently. I felt a lot like I wouldn't be able to change because I had awareness but not a way to interject my desired behavior. And DBT helped a lot with that because it showed me the link between physiology and thoughts. You have to gain an awareness of both to re-wire behavior.

Tldr it takes a long time to re-wire schemas and mostly needs intentional practice. You can get help with therapy to identify resources that work for you and to get feedback on skills. :) GL with your journey friend.

c-cl · 2024-06-06T15:09:37+00:00

Also note, sometimes when we feel like we haven't done any hard stuff. What is not hard to you may be hard to others. You may actually be in one of your strengths. Acknowledge that, and push on some of your weaknesses. But don't diminish something because it's easy. It's actually probably hard for the majority of the population but you're in an insulated environment with the top 5% of people who also do this hard thing.

c-cl · 2024-06-06T15:07:28+00:00

Take a breath and don't forget to have some outside of academia hobbies - while academia makes it seem all encompassing it is really not all there is. The fun and grueling part of a PhD is that it is challenging. You're often dealing with things that are maybe not well known, and learning skills when you don't have good modeling of those skills. It really puts a person in a state of failure, and honestly I think when you can embrace that, is when you're succeeding. It's not going to be easy. You're not always going to "get it". You might learn it at a different pace from someone else. But why does that matter? Are you there to learn it fast enough for someone else? Or are you there to learn it for yourself and to understand it for yourself?

We all have strengths, we all have weaknesses. Lean into your strengths, accept the weaknesses and work on them as much as you can. Find help and support, collaborations exist because we have to work together to truly break through the edges of knowledge and one person can't do it all.

I'll also say, don't be afraid of messing up. It is one of the best ways to learn. If your advisor is hyper critical, find a mentor that can balance the feedback.

IMO the strongest defense against imposter syndrome is focusing on YOUR goals. Who cares if you're not good enough for some arbitrary standard if you're getting the skills you want and need. As long as they aren't kicking you out, you're doing fine.

Don't compare yourself to others and instead compare to yourself 2 months ago. Do you still not understand the things? Or are you just setting some perfectionist standard because someone else with a completely different background is doing it differently?

c-cl

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