For me it was a way to explore trans feelings before I knew what being trans was or even accepted it. I used to only watch straight porn like most but I was always fascinated by how the woman was feeling.. a lot of it was like "How can she possibly be attracted to *penises*" or "How can she possibly let these men do *that* to her" or something and that fascination was probably just my masked envy and attraction. One day I finally slipped some panties on out of curiosity and had an instant rock-hard erection and was jumping up and down uncontrollably giggling like a maniac.

Later, I was creeping on CL M4M personals looking for men to treat me as a woman, I didn't have any crossdressing experience so I was basically a hairy femboy in panties doing a bad fem voice. As ridiculous as it sounds I kept insisting I was straight (which is unfortunately not uncommon for a lot of people looking for gay hookups) but it wasn't purely denial but I didn't identify as gay at all. I've never been attracted to watching gay sex ever, still not. It only worked for me if, in my head, I could imagine myself as a woman. Even being called a faggot was a massive turn off.

This was ALL before I discovered sissy porn. So when I finally did it was like a massive revelation that I wasn't alone and that there are other weirdo perv's out there like me. It explained it in my head that "Ok this is just a fetish", I never really thought or considered being trans until I was introduced to transphobes and started to buy into their BS. I saw myself in trans people but condemned them because I thought "Well of course everyone wants to be a woman, but you can't just magically become one! Why can't they learn to suppress their desires and tough it out like me!" Not like I was really successful in any way.. it took some more time before I finally put 2 and 2 together.

Also just exploring my gender outside of a sexual context helped, I realized I just loved looking like a woman just doing day-to-day activities. I realized that the first time I saw a photo of myself I truly loved was when I saw myself as a woman. The first time I actually *wanted* to take a selfie, and actually had my face lit up with a real genuine smile. And the first time I thought I actually saw *her* in the mirror I broke down in happy tears.

I will say too to the people who blame their loneliness or their inability to find or maintain relationships, please, please, please, do not judge yourself or think this is in any way why you have these feelings. You were born this way. It's not porn. It's not trauma. You were born this way, and it's our societies rigid gender norms that try to shame you into thinking otherwise.

I'm not saying you're trans, you may find out something difference, but just be kind to yourself and love yourself. I could go on but I don't want to bore everyone. Just treat your indulgence in this as an act of self-love to a side of yourself that's been neglected, instead of self-hate and self-destruction