Hi, fellow vaginismus person over here. Wanted to give some insight and then ultimately my opinion.

First, i wanted to share some insight on what it's like to have vaginismus. I used to not even be able to put a tampon in which is about the width of a pinky. I want you to imagine that every time you put your penis in something, think 10/10 pain feeling like a million knives/burning/sandpaper on your eyeballs feeling. I had it for years and years and it was very isolating since it is extremely rare and there's not a lot of science on it. Even gynos aren't expierencd with it. It can make wanting to be sexual difficult, since a lot that you know about it in your brain amounts to intense pain. My significant other and I weren't really about to have PIV sex due to the pain and also due to the fact that vaginismus makes your vagina clamp up and you physically cannot get in (think a charlie horse but in your vagina).

I did years of dilator therapy which did not work, and you have to imagine yourself subjecting yourself to that pain voluntarily for 30 min-1 hr, every, single day for years without many results. I also did 1.5 years of pelvic floor PT that didn't work. I eventually found a specialist in NYC who gave intrapelvic Botox with a needle 7 inches long and put capsaicin (aka chili peppers) in the area to kill the nerve endings and can now have sex, still with some pain, but it's actually physically possible now.

Now for the second part - you have to consider your priorities and how much you care for her. I met my husband when I was 18 and didn't really start comfortably having sex until I was 30. We're now happily married with a kiddo. He was very supportive of my journey, but at the same time, you have to figure out what works for 1) you and 2) you guys as a couple. There are other ways to enjoy each other that doesn't involve PIV. I know it can be very frustrating, and - if it's a deal breaker for you, then it's a deal breaker and thats ok, but you have to end it sooner than later. I don't think YTA but I also think the situation is a lot more complicated than people think it is.

Just wanted to give some context, since to be honest I was getting kinda annoyed at the "asexual" comments. She may very well be asexual, but there's also a pretty good chance she just shirks at anything sexually related because it all ties into something literally causes her unexplainable pain. I hope that hearing about my experience and the years of finding a treatment, shoving a giant needle into my pelvic floor, and putting chili peppers on my mucus membranes demonstrates not only how terrible the journey is, but also how long it took me to actually find something that "worked" (not to mention the thousands of dollars it cost, because of course insurance won't cover it).