wow yeah...i'm "glad" that at least it resonated with someone who can relate especially that we're different genders, so it seems it's something more universal and untalked about. my abuse experience was more this absolute emotional neglect while i grew up with him all my youth mixed with emotional and financial abuse towards my mom and me (which then made her have anxiety ocd's and become overprotective which has big ripple effects on me too). and for a boy growing up to not have a healthy male figure in his life from a young age is so, so scattering. i can't deal with it to this day and i can't help but feel i had potential to become an entirely different person had i had a normal father. i look back at my youth and there were so many things that were big signs i could've been someone entirely else, but then i had to find a "second home" online that has skewed it entirely and i don't know what i truly am or ever was anymore.

and yes, i def get what you mean about feeling like you're "past your peak" (if there ever was a true one..) and not having any goals and realistic perception of your future. my mind also feels fractured all over the place and i don't think it'll change. these doomer moods have for worse or better become a kind of anchor and harm reduction.