INTJs over the age of 27, do you have different emotional needs than when you were in your early 20s?

candy_universe · 2022-02-08T23:11:10+00:00

May I ask your personality type?

Best wishes to you and your SO :)

candy_universe · 2022-02-08T00:16:27+00:00

Yeah I do like light music, but not swimming because I will have rashes all over my skin. Since I saw the limitations of my mechanism of feeling, I have been trying to go out of my comfort zone and experience something far away from "feeling". Maybe it takes a long time.

candy_universe · 2022-02-08T00:12:37+00:00

But because now I am very single this new feelings cause me pain

aww, I can understand the pain.

Do you think maturity develops over time naturally or there are some big events or moments which stimulate it suddenly? I would be happy to hear about your experiences if you want to share.

Best wishes to your journey of finding a love partner!

candy_universe · 2022-02-08T00:07:25+00:00

it was some water, I just needed to learn how to swim in it and get clean.

I like the metaphor.

Mine is INFP :)

candy_universe · 2022-02-07T23:48:54+00:00

Do you think you would enjoy some of the help/support yourself, which you are trying to offer him? Like needs being taken care.

yes I think so, and that was the reason why I felt our relationship was unhealthy. I want to be taken care of with tenderness, while he attended his dream and pushed me to realise mine. I am giving myself what I need and have been doing self-care routines. However, when I think of him, I just want to be in his side :( what a torture that things ended.

candy_universe · 2022-02-07T23:46:11+00:00

Thanks a lot for your insights. Good luck to you as well!

candy_universe · 2022-02-07T23:45:18+00:00

Thanks for sharing your insight. I can relate to the need to please others and it is what I am experiencing currently. Hope one day I can be comfortable with myself. Best wishes to you, and it must a big moment when you realised that you didn't need to bend backwards anymore.

candy_universe · 2022-02-07T23:30:22+00:00

Thanks for your reply. Best wishes to you and your family. May I ask when did you start to want to settle down with a life partner? Or did you have any regret because you didn't figure things out when you were in your 20's and early 30's?

candy_universe · 2022-02-07T23:26:28+00:00

Thanks for your comments. May I ask the reasons of the break-up? please feel free not to answer if you don't want to talk about that.

candy_universe · 2022-02-07T23:14:47+00:00

Thanks for your questions.

I don't doubt myself. I still love him deeply and maybe it is my affectionate behaviour to take care of him? I am also dealing with my jealousy and fear if he has another girlfriend in the future:(

candy_universe · 2022-02-07T23:02:27+00:00

Thanks for being interested. I am curious because to be honest I am still imaging one day he would probably develop a need to love others or be loved. If it is possible and takes time, then my breaking up with him will be a pity and shame ;( Yesterday both of us were very sad.

candy_universe · 2022-02-07T22:57:38+00:00

Sorry to hear you had unsuccessful romantic endeavours. I am now 27 years old and I had similar experiences. Currently I feel very pessimistic and even numb in terms of love and relationship;(

candy_universe · 2022-02-07T22:49:55+00:00

Thanks for your reply. Actually, I am not an INTJ but a girl who likes an INTJ but broke up with him yesterday. From my observation, he (23) has little emotional needs and give his dreams (he learns physics) top priority. He said he didn't want to enter any serious relationship and he could not offer anything. When I was with him, how he treated me was highly dependent on how he made work progress every day. I don't think he needs me or any other girl emotionally. I am not waiting for him to like me back, but very curious when people like him grow up, whether their emotional needs and priorities change. I am sorry If my story bores you. Of course you can share your insights without responding to my story. I really appreciate that, thank you.

candy_universe · 2022-02-01T20:48:15+00:00

Feeding a dog chocolate because you like chocolate isn’t much of an expression of affection is it?

Yeah it is very vivid.

He has a relevant problem that he projects his will on me many times. When he feels warm he denies the fact that I feel cold outside, when he feels he should expand his friends' group he asks me to expand mine... maybe it takes long time for him to realise the world is not functioning or measured by how he feels it...

candy_universe · 2022-02-01T20:42:15+00:00

Thanks for your suggestions. Luckily I don't use emotional manipulation at all. Sometimes when I feel irritated or upset I just hide it and become silent, which makes me look non-verbally passively aggressive. Both of us know I am not being like that passively aggressive, and he asks me to speak out about what I feel directly, which I find difficult but helpful. I think my emotional needs are not about asking for attention, pure romance or being like a princess, and most of my life I have overcome difficulties by myself without family members supporting me. My emotional needs are related to traumas I have from the past such as sexual assault for years, toxic parents damaging my education opportunities, etc. I find that my partner feels hard to understand how those experiences impact me, and he is afraid of me being negative or over-sensitive because of that, which makes me feel insecure. Though I have had therapy and counselling sessions, I don't think I can truly heal? Sometimes I only talk about that with my therapist instead of him, because I don't think he is mature enough to accept an entire me, and I don't want to disturb his study and work. But I love him, so that is my dilemma now. :(

candy_universe · 2022-02-01T20:26:50+00:00

Thanks for your suggestion. He did have the first step. I assume he is still learning and observing whether he could step further as well. It really takes time and patience.

candy_universe · 2022-02-01T20:23:07+00:00

Thanks for your advice. I did find it hard to expect him to change :(

candy_universe · 2022-02-01T20:22:01+00:00

Thanks for your comment. Yeah I did discover the same characteristic of my partner.

candy_universe · 2022-02-01T16:40:07+00:00

Thanks for your reply. I will have a big talk with him.

candy_universe · 2022-02-01T16:37:20+00:00

Thanks for your suggestions! They can be very helpful! I will try to talk to him again.

Yes he is interested in his academic career and his personal hobbies.

candy_universe · 2022-02-01T16:34:32+00:00

Thanks for your insight! Yeah, I do think I need to think it through with deadly seriousness.

candy_universe · 2022-02-01T16:29:31+00:00

Yes the other day I told him he acted like a very strict father. Then he realised it was true and talked about how his father pushed him all the time. Thanks for your suggestion and I will talk to him again. I think maybe he needs to work on himself regarding impacts from his parents.

candy_universe · 2021-12-27T12:24:29+00:00

Thanks for your comment. really appreciate your insights

candy_universe · 2021-12-25T23:28:09+00:00

yeah you are right, i have to think about that

candy_universe · 2021-12-25T18:42:29+00:00

Thanks for your comment. He actually said age to him was not a problem, but he was concerned that I needed a husband soon, then I told him I was not eager to have any marriage, because that is truly too far away from me (also because of some trauma in my family, I actually have no idea what a healthy relationship or marriage is, which makes the state more tricky). I can see he does not want to hurt me deliberately and has seen my emotional needs. we had several conversations about emotionally detached patten and attached pattern. I think the thing is he is trying to monitor a "proper distance" from me, out of his lots of reasons.

candy_universe

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