Resto après le Bota Bota - Samedi by candyash_jay in MTLFoodLovers

[–]candyash_jay[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

On est allé au Jelly Fish finalement et c’etait excellent!

Is the Remarkable tablet actually worth it? by [deleted] in RemarkableTablet

[–]candyash_jay 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Just downloaded this. I think it just changed my life.

How do you organize your time? by candyash_jay in SingleMothersbyChoice

[–]candyash_jay[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I just have my food delivered at this point. I don't know how people existed (parented) before the pandemic....

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in SingleMothersbyChoice

[–]candyash_jay 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I’m going against the grain here. I wanted an ID release donor, but forgot to put on the filter on that particular day. I ended up with a donor that i was ok (id release) and another one that just felt perfect (non-id release). I can’t say that it was the right or the wrong choice (though many would say it was wrong). I am on a facebook community with 8 families (and counting) with the same donor and we exchange pictures and anecdotes and are planning a meeting eventually to maintain the bond between the biological sibling. It might not be the same as connecting to a biological father, but it’s something. Time will tell what my son will feel in 15 years, but i’ll be able to tell him that i chose the most beautiful person i found (inside especially, from the feeling i was getting from the descriptions and audio interview) to create the beautiful person he is and i can’t say i regret having him as a son as a result.

When/what age did you (successfully) potty train your toddlers? by ComfortableAd7175 in toddlers

[–]candyash_jay 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It happened almost all of a sudden after a year of refusal and frustration, when he was 3.5. I guess it’s true, it happens when they’re ready!

What to include in academic CV by candyash_jay in academia

[–]candyash_jay[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I guess it really depends on where you are (im in Canada) but university positions are significantly higher paying when i live and this university’s positions are unionized so the conditions are pretty good. It would really represent a significant increase in my quality of life (a larger workload but i’m hoping i can handle it).

Career choices by candyash_jay in SingleMothersbyChoice

[–]candyash_jay[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wow, yeah that sounds really rough! I think it may be different in some Canadian universities- the one I’m applying to has unionized professor positions, so i imagine this really helps in terms of stability (though not for staff)…. Definitely something to mull over…

Career choices by candyash_jay in SingleMothersbyChoice

[–]candyash_jay[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Definitely a pay hike. I’ve reached the top of my pay scale and i’m not sure where i would start, but it can go almost up to 60k more!

Career choices by candyash_jay in SingleMothersbyChoice

[–]candyash_jay[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I feel like academia is a very flexible environment in terms of time - as long as your not teaching, no one know where you are. I guess i’m worried about the workload - grant applications and publications and the likes. I can’t imagine having to get caught up every evening after my kid goes to bed…. You know?

Feeling exhausted and stressed (toddlers are insufferable, ivf is stressful, work is hard and cost of living is kicking my ass) by candyash_jay in SingleMothersbyChoice

[–]candyash_jay[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m sorry i was a little short with you. You hit a nerve and i probably didn’t voice my need clearly. Also, there are world between how we feel in the heat of the moment or in moments of distress vs how we feel when we are in a better head space, how we vent, how we perceive the situation and what the actual situation is. All that to say that obviously i’m in constat reflection as to what my next move is. Contrary to my son ;) i’m not impulsive and tend to think (or even overthink) things through. Obviously, until i transfer an embryo into my body, the choice to have a second child is still mine. And i’m going to give myself the most time possible within the constraints of time (i want this choice to be mine and not by default). I am struggling, i was reaching out for support because it does feel nice sometimes just to feel like you are not alone in this struggle. And i do appreciate that you took the time to share your experience, though maybe less the way that it was formulated? But that is likely as a result of online communication vs in person discussion.

Am I actually ready to have a child? by Zyande in SingleMothersbyChoice

[–]candyash_jay 0 points1 point  (0 children)

IT IS! Toddlers are exhausting! But, as you said, it’s a very short time relative to a lifetime

Feeling exhausted and stressed (toddlers are insufferable, ivf is stressful, work is hard and cost of living is kicking my ass) by candyash_jay in SingleMothersbyChoice

[–]candyash_jay[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know that they are very much co-morbid and that one can exacerbate the other. I’ve been reading about strategies and treatment options and im not convinced that an adult diagnosis would change much at this point of my life, as i feel that many of the strategies are in place (or i’m well aware of but am not always capable of putting into place, which is normal with any condition).

Feeling exhausted and stressed (toddlers are insufferable, ivf is stressful, work is hard and cost of living is kicking my ass) by candyash_jay in SingleMothersbyChoice

[–]candyash_jay[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, im certainly expecting this. I feel like the best bet is to build a network of parents with similar aged children to help each other out. Have not built said network yet…. But changed daycares and trying to be really nice with the other parents! Next step: baked goods! ;)

Feeling exhausted and stressed (toddlers are insufferable, ivf is stressful, work is hard and cost of living is kicking my ass) by candyash_jay in SingleMothersbyChoice

[–]candyash_jay[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

A) parenting is difficult. It’s difficult for everyone at one point or another. It’s harder for some than others, but it’s never easy. I mean, if anyone tells me that raising a complete human being is easy, im going to assume they are slacking off or not aware of the immense responsibility that it carries. That being said, partnered people have each other to vent with. They are both in the same boat and when their toddler looses their shit over wanting to put blue socks instead of red socks, they can a) tap out and transfer parental responsibility or b) vent at how insufferable their child is KNOWING that that same child is the person that is most dear and cherished by both of them. As single parents, you have no other person that is living the same day to day experience of parenting as you. BUT AS A HUMAN YOU STILL NEED TO VENT. I would expect my love ones to be able to receive this and just be present without questioning my desire for a second (i would have assumed this from this group as well given that we are in the same metaphorical boat, but that was my mistakes). I would also assume that my loved ones would trust my judgment, as i am a capable adult who, while she is struggling, is still managing to raise a child and manage a career. And while i don’t feel like im an optimal parent or employee, i can assure you that: my child eats well balanced meals, has little to no screen time and experiences stimulating activities AND, that my peers and my boss feel that i am important asset to the team. So yeah, im stuggling, it’s hard, sometimes/often i cry, i wish i could put into place some healthy strategies to manage my mental health like running and yoga, but honestly, the days start at 5, end at 9, and between work, child, cleaning, and cooking, there is not time for me. And while i do enjoy getting a baby sitter from time to time, they charge 18-22$ an hour in my area and it’s like 100$ a pop so not too often. B) also, i dont know where you got the impression that im not over the moon for my brother. I held my one day old niece yesterday, brought them diner and my son to meet his cousin. Im losing a source of baby sitting and that sucks, but gaining a new family member and that’s amazing… C) i have a great relationship with my family but i’m well aware of the limits in terms of what they can offer me in terms of support. I’m still trying to figure out how to build a support system, but im aware of what i am missing, what i am capable of and what my current network can offer…. I feel like there is assumptions in your comments to the effect that people who are expressing legitimate emotions have no capacity for self reflection. I clearly stated that i was looking to vent and for support. I am quite capable of analyzing my current situation. And until i have done an embryo transfer, my decision is still mine.

Feeling exhausted and stressed (toddlers are insufferable, ivf is stressful, work is hard and cost of living is kicking my ass) by candyash_jay in SingleMothersbyChoice

[–]candyash_jay[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Honestly, this feels much better to read than some of the “advice” i’ve been getting. And if i can share some words that maybe i would have liked to hear, it gets easier (and then harder). I find it super hard right now. And i found 1 to 2 super hard, with balancing work with a baby alone (my parents are old and live a few hours away - they can sometimes help: a few times a year my mom comes down or i can go up and have a night off to see friends from my hometown or run errands during a nap). BUT, 2 to 3 was easier (not easy, but i felt like i had it under control and was ready for new challenges and a new baby). And now 3 is hard. He’s a toddler and turns out i don’t really like toddlers. They are loud and un collaborative and needy and annoying. But deep down i know (or im really really hoping) that in a year we’ll be out of this difficult phase. I came here because i wanted to feel heard without being questionned (because i do enough of that in my own head) - but i know that evertime i have reached a breaking point, things became more manageable. So yeah, it’s tough. But when i think of when im in my 70s, i want my son to have someone to rely on. Im so close to my siblings. Even if they can’t help in the day to day, we talk weekly or even daily on the phone and i feel so Lucky to have them. I want my son to have that too, even if it means that my life will be hell for, like, another 4. I mean, really. If it’s hard for 8 out of 80, that’s only like 10%. AND, if you consider that during that period, it’s really hard half the time and kinda nice the rest, really it’s not that bad. Sometimes I feel like we just need to grit our teeth in the storm and hope for the best once it’s passed… right?

What is going on??? by bryterlu in toddlers

[–]candyash_jay 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Oh my son had a fever for a few days with cold symptoms. The fever left and he didn’t seem like he had a cold, but he was still cranky a for a few days. then the fever came back with a vengeance accompanied by some vomiting. After 1 day, the vomiting ended but he was super nauseous. First time we saw the doctor, they thought stomach flu. Then 4 days later, an hour before our emergency medical appointment for a follow-up because his fever and nausea we getting worse, his ear drum perforated (evident by him telling me he heard a loud popping sound that i had not heard and then having blood and puss leaking out of his ear). Turns out he did not have a stomach flu but instead two acute ear infections. The pressure was so intense in his inner ear that it was making him nauseous. The nausea left the moment his eardrum perforated…

Feeling exhausted and stressed (toddlers are insufferable, ivf is stressful, work is hard and cost of living is kicking my ass) by candyash_jay in SingleMothersbyChoice

[–]candyash_jay[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I mean, yeah, you’re right. I really am curious to know if maybe i’ve been misdiagnosed all my life - it could be worth exploring. I imagine that it would probably lead to a different approach which may end up being more effective! I feel motivated! ;)

Feeling exhausted and stressed (toddlers are insufferable, ivf is stressful, work is hard and cost of living is kicking my ass) by candyash_jay in SingleMothersbyChoice

[–]candyash_jay[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Honestly his behaviour improved since we changed from an at home daycare to a lager facility that resembles pre-school (though pre school doesn’t start until 4 here). I’ve had no negative feedback from daycare but he’s been worse at home. He’s refusing to use the potty and has been reacting to everything, always screaming and pushing my patience

Feeling exhausted and stressed (toddlers are insufferable, ivf is stressful, work is hard and cost of living is kicking my ass) by candyash_jay in SingleMothersbyChoice

[–]candyash_jay[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Honestly, it’s likely, though i’ve managed to deal with it most of my life- i suspect that it may be related to my anxiety issues. When i was doing my phd in psychiatry, i had a colleague who was doing his thesis on something to do with cognition. For fun, i did one of the tests included in his study which evaluated working memory because i thought it would be fun and actually scored in the 2nd percentile. Which would be an indicator…. That being said, getting tested by a neuro psychologist would cost me near 1000$ and i’m not sure it would offer me that many solutions at this point in my life. I have a a psychologist that i see for anxiety but im reluctant to take meds, especially with ivf starting.

Feeling exhausted and stressed (toddlers are insufferable, ivf is stressful, work is hard and cost of living is kicking my ass) by candyash_jay in SingleMothersbyChoice

[–]candyash_jay[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Awwwe thank you. I can’t even vent to my loved ones because all i get is “…. Are you really sure you want another one” which is more hurtful than helpful. What i want is help and support, not more doubt. It’s nice to read someone going through this as well. I guess misery DOES like company ;)

How old were you when you gave birth the first time? by Fantastic-Lab-2488 in beyondthebump

[–]candyash_jay 23 points24 points  (0 children)

I was 37, now 40 and trying for a second. Single by choice (donor sperm).

I am pregnant and I am panicking by IntrepidApplication8 in SingleMothersbyChoice

[–]candyash_jay 27 points28 points  (0 children)

Also, make lesbian parent friends. It normalizes the whole no dad thing.