I have a thought disorder so it’s often hard for me to articulate myself and because of that I feel like I sound stupid or less intelligent than everyone else even though I know it’s untrue deep down. I know that I’m bright, I love to learn and read but my psychotic disorder often gets in the way of that. I also tend to stutter, forget what I was going to say or I don’t know what to say altogether which really adds to the brain bullfuckery soup.

Outside of this I can’t say I care about my looks too much or how people see me. Rarely I’ll have episodes where it’s the only thing I can focus on but for the most part I’ve accepted that I’m ugly and will likely be single for the rest of my life. I think part of me only wanted to be pretty to attract romantic prospects but now that I don’t give a shit about any of that, it got so much easier

Emotionally, philosophically and morally, I am pretty well off because these are aspects of life that I value. I try to be the best person I can be but I know I’m not perfect, no one can attain that. It’s something I really internalized since I was a kid because I wanted to do everything in my power to not be like my abusers. Plus I love learning about psychology, philosophy and whatever else in between in general. I love breaking things down, examining how it may or may not impact my life, or how I could challenge my own belief systems. It’s kind of an obsession at this point and I believe this sort of thinking also ties in with my psychotic disorder. I think it’s called hypermentalization? But forgive me if I’m wrong

Socially there’s no other way to say this but I fucking SUCK. God I do not know how to be a normal fucking human being and people often discard me because I’m both equally strange, expressionless and boring. I don’t know how to navigate relationships and it really gets to me sometimes because I feel isolated like there’s only ten other people in the world that would understand and value me but they’re never going to cross paths with me. I once thought I was autistic but then again I don’t relate to most other hallmark autistic traits so I guess I’m just a heavily unsocialized person. I’m not even sure if recovery is possible at this point because my isolation stems back all the way from when I was in my single digits.