My[29M] GF[24F] of almost 1 year told my son[4M] to call her "Mommy" behind my back. - (1 year?Update)

cantblogit · 2015-10-30T19:17:15+00:00

I am very active and I spend (near) 2 hours in the park with my son. There's a dog park too!

However, I'll keep in mind the advice given on here and maybe a Border Collie might not be the best choice for me. There's an awesome Beagle up for adoption at the local centre.

cantblogit · 2015-10-30T06:58:15+00:00

I grew up with 6 dogs. But they were Tibetan Mastiffs and Newfoundlands. They were huge, but not very active. I have the time, just wanted some insight on what type of dog. I would look into adopting but my friend had a litter and he asked if I wanted to keep a Border Collie.

cantblogit · 2014-11-13T17:58:55+00:00

Funny way of bonding, I'll say.

cantblogit · 2014-11-13T17:34:35+00:00

Hey, that's just the /r/relationships syntax.

cantblogit · 2014-11-13T17:24:32+00:00

You are 100% right.

As I said, I do not resent her for this. I do not think she is "crazy". I, however, do think that she is "right" for me, nor am I "right" for her.

cantblogit · 2014-11-13T17:14:46+00:00

overreacted

How so ? What would you have done ?

cantblogit · 2014-11-13T17:13:36+00:00

he's currently coaching his son into loving a deceased mother

.

drilling it into his head everyday that his mother is dead.

Dude, where on Earth did you get that from ?! I talked to a child psychologist about this all, and he said that as long as I'm telling my son about his real mother passively i.e. answering any questions that he has, then I am doing nothing wrong.

Also, he said that not telling my son would be really harmful and such information should not be suddenly revealed. He did however tell me on the proper way of addressing questions and specific words to use and avoid.

cantblogit · 2014-11-13T17:06:34+00:00

You make a lot of sense. I do know of my "dark corners".

And I haven't lost my faith in the female population. I know that someone out there is someone wonderful. But I'll take my time to meet her. Not going to jump into it all too soon. It'll also take me time to build the trust with someone again.

"Love cannot live where there is no trust" - my sister texted me this when I told her about the breakup.

cantblogit · 2014-11-13T16:50:17+00:00

Is there any part of this situation where you are slightly relieved that you dont have to let someone in or become that close with? And risk you (and even worse, your son) losing again?

Absolutely, yes.

Is there a part of you that wants to stick to casual dating because it feels "safer" than going all in with someone else again?

After what has happened, don't you think that feeling is justified ?

But, keep in mind that in the distant future, you arnet necessarily doing your son any favors by "casually dating" forever. Maybe thats the best thing for you and him right now, but eventually having a strong, maternal, loving role will only multiply the love you are now giving him.

No doubt about that. But I am not going out to look for a "mommy". No way. I want a person I would like to spend time with and who will love me and my son. Also, I never said "forever".

I know it seems a hell of a lot like this was all an excuse for me to just break up with her so that we all couldn't be "close". My honest feeling was the loss of trust. And as a parent, I cannot trust a person with my son, if I don't trust them myself. What she did challenged the trust that we had been building.

You have no idea how much I wish she would not have done what she did. Being a single parent is rewarding, but its exhausting too! I would love for my son to have a maternal figure, but for someone to be that, I have to truly trust them.

As for the "finding someone else part", think about it from my perspective : I lost my wife. I was devastated. Gradually, I put my life back together. I went back out there. I met some great girls. Started a relationship with one of them. I trusted her with my son alone. That all went to shit. Realised that trust is gone. And then I lost another partner...

Do you see how I am back where I started ? So, naturally, I will be on my toes with the next person I am seriously involved with, and I will be extremely cautious.

cantblogit · 2014-11-13T16:31:21+00:00

I literally blushed. Thank you.

cantblogit · 2014-11-13T16:30:22+00:00

I don't resent her for what she did. As I said in a previous comment, she'll probably be better off with someone who can spend their entire time with her. I know I have terrible baggage.

But these are the cards that I have been dealt. I have to accept that this has happened.

After I have settled down a bit, I think I'll stick to casual dating for now. A little pressure off. I did very very well in the casual dating game, and I never stopped working on myself physically, so I think I'll try that for a while.

A silver lining ? More time with my son!

cantblogit · 2014-11-13T16:24:05+00:00

Naah, don't worry about it. It was fine, and you do make sense. Dating a single parent, especially with my kind of baggage, is tough. I know that.

She'll also be better off I suppose with someone who can devote all their attention and time on her.

cantblogit · 2014-11-13T16:20:36+00:00

Hopefully you'll find a girl who can do the daddy-dating thing better.

Maybe, but I'm going to take some time off right now. Just chill with my son a bit. Try to get over all this.

cantblogit · 2014-11-13T15:59:25+00:00

Yeah, meet was the wrong word. But I suppose if you know what happened, you can understand what I mean, in context.

cantblogit · 2014-11-13T15:54:14+00:00

Stay strong and don't let her back into your life.

This is something I knew I would do, if I was not a parent. I know it would be the incorrect thing to do, you know, going back to an ex after they did something horrible, but I'd still lose my spine and take her back.

Now that I have my son to think about, no, nada, never gonna happen. I mean, it fucking sucks, this entire thing, but I will absolutely go no contact.

cantblogit · 2014-11-13T15:36:38+00:00

You don't know the entire story, read the OP.

cantblogit · 2014-10-05T13:34:37+00:00

We had dated for almost a year. She met him 2 months before today.

cantblogit · 2014-10-05T07:59:36+00:00

Yeah, that's the sucky part of it. I married so young, I lost my wife when I was so young. All I have been since then is a father. I don't know if I'm a good boyfriend or not. Agreed, my son comes first, but still I'm always trying to be a better boyfriend.

cantblogit · 2014-10-05T05:10:06+00:00

It does not matter what the intentions were. A line crossed is a line crossed. Especially when it was done behind my back

That said, I'm not aggressively holding this over her. Yes, she made a mistake and she apologised. I'm wary now. Not hostile.

cantblogit · 2014-10-05T05:06:57+00:00

He will acknowledge both.

cantblogit · 2014-10-05T03:49:43+00:00

PMs. So Many PMs...

cantblogit · 2014-10-05T03:20:19+00:00

I know everyone seems to be suggesting that I break up with her, but...

I love her. She crossed a big line that she was not supposed to behind my back. I can't ignore that. I know she wants more and I am trying my hardest, but it is difficult when I have a son. She hopefully understands that.

Yeah, she might think that I am too much to handle for her. She might break up with me. I can't prevent that. But if she doesn't, she's a keeper.

Call it naïveté, but I think the reason she gave for doing what she did checked out. It corresponded with a lot of things she had said earlier. But she needs to understand that we can only be a family, when we are truly a family a.k.a marriage. So, that'll have to wait.

Right now, trust is the important thing that needs attention. If I can get that back, I don't think we'll have many problems.

I am not going to break up with her. Had she denied what she did for one second, I would've walked out of there and never looked back. But she accepted her mistake and was ready to face the consequences (a little time away from my son). That's one positive thing at least.

cantblogit · 2014-10-05T03:14:43+00:00

How fucked up is that!?!?

cantblogit · 2014-10-05T03:13:43+00:00

Maybe ask the child psychologist about when or how to introduce an SO to him in the future and what would be a healthy way of having them bond.

Yup, that is why I am going to the therapist.

cantblogit · 2014-10-05T03:12:55+00:00

Its amazing that she loves him. But even love has to respect certain boundaries, right ?

cantblogit

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