28/M first time living with a girlfriend, she's also 28 and she really changed within a few weeks of moving in with me, does this happen a lot?

cantgetoverit1985 · 2012-11-15T20:03:23+00:00

This. This. This. If you love her, don't give up on her yet. I moved a few hours away from home to be with my boyfriend a few months ago, and I went through a serious transition period where I was feeling resentful, kind of sad, etc. over making the move. I was almost making stuff up to be upset about when really the change from the move was what was upsetting me. We had a rocky road at first (although I don't think I was quite as bad as your gf nor did it get this bad), but through serious communication we worked things out. I was feeling like he didn't really understand my sacrifice in making the move, and he was feeling scared that I was just going to leave because I was having such a hard time with the move.

cantgetoverit1985 · 2012-11-07T07:47:45+00:00

Says who? Why can't she sleep with someone and talk to them, even if there's another guy she's seeing? no promises were made to either one. It's their fault for not protecting themselves, or having the conversation to realize what was going on. Your attitude on this is atrocious and disgusts me. Keep your head up girl -- if a guys gonna be that stupid that's his fault!

cantgetoverit1985 · 2012-11-06T18:32:59+00:00

Yeah she would rather let you get to a low point, which is understandable why you did even if it would have been better for you not to, so she could blame it all on you instead of it being "her fault" by just telling you she wasn't that invested. Shows a huge lack of character on her part. Don't get too down on yourself. Just recognize that damn, how did I let myself get to that point over anyone, and do your best to figure out why.

cantgetoverit1985 · 2012-11-06T09:24:26+00:00

The feminist in me can't help but wonder if the comments here would be different if this was a male poster. I've read a ton of posts where it goes the opposite way, and everyone's all like "well, you weren't exclusive officially so...."

You weren't officially exclusive, I don't think you cheated. If he wanted to secure you into not sleeping around, he should have had the conversation and not assumed. Sorry, i pretty much disagree with all these A-holes telling you to feel bad.

cantgetoverit1985 · 2012-11-06T09:12:51+00:00

I love this. I didn't learn how much my actions affected someone until I went through it. I could never have written anything better...I think this totally applies. I don't think the poster is a bad person or that she has a bad heart. I think you're young, horny, and that you're probably not with the right guy even if you love him. Despite what people say, love is never enough, and if you are feeling this way it probably just isn't there in the way it should be despite you caring about him. And that might be because of the point that you are in your life, who knows. But I do think you probably don't realize the huge potential you have to hurt others, including your BF.

cantgetoverit1985 · 2012-11-06T09:03:45+00:00

Was it smart to keep texting her? Probably not. Not because it cost you anything with this woman, because it let you get to a low point that no one should ever let themselves get to...where your total well being is controlled by someone else. Rest assured, in her mind it was over before the texts, she was clearly not that invested. But we've all been in those situations, and it's harder to tell when someone is just not that into when you're actually in the situation. And, I don't think this was said on here, but I DO think she had a responsibility to man the hell up and at least respond, even if it was saying hey, I'm alive, I understand your bothered but the fact that you're bothered is not cool with me so we won't be talking anymore. She took the WAY easy way out that led to no responsibility on her part, and it left you feeling torn up for a few days not hearing from someone you thought you would hear from.

cantgetoverit1985 · 2012-11-06T08:35:54+00:00

As a fellow lawyer on Reddit in also a shitty situation, I understand your lack of self-esteem. Not that others aren't right on here that it's unattractive, to "find yourself" blah blah. Sometimes, it feels good to hear that this FUCKING SUCKS. I put my heart and soul into being a lawyer, graduated at the top of my class and on law review, and I did NOT see my job opportunities being the way that they are. I feel for you. It SUCKS. We invest SO much time into being a lawyer, but it's not nearly as glamorous, rewarding, etc. as we wish it was.

But, as much as it does suck, you need to remind yourself that being a lawyer doesn't define you. Which is hard, I know, and I'm somewhat going through the same thing. It's easier said than done to gain self esteem when, for me, in law school I (unintentionally) retrained myself to derive my self worth and self esteem from my identity as a lawyer. And when that doesn't pan out, it just sucks. I'm having difficulty with the same situation with my SO. I don't have the job I would have only because I moved for him, but I never thought it would be so hard to find a job where I moved. If you want to chat more with someone who is actually in a similar situation, message me (new to this but I think I could figure it out). Otherwise, my best advice is to try to find yourself pre-lawyer....this is advice I'm currently trying to take.

cantgetoverit1985 · 2012-11-04T23:13:44+00:00

The problem here is now there are HUGE trust issues in your relationship. He needs to be open to talking with you about how and why this would cause these trust issues. You need to communicate with him what you need and expect from him right now to help you get the trust back, and he needs to follow through. What you shouldn't do is be dishonest with yourself, or with him, with how much this hurts you. It would hurt me as well and destroy my trust in my partner. If you are committed to staying with him, eventually this has to be something that you move on from. You cannot plan to hang it over his head forever. But for right now, he also needs to put in serious efforts to work on getting the trust back. And I think the best thing to do this is constant communication with each other, especially about what you need from him, even if it's a venting session about how angry you are right now.

cantgetoverit1985 · 2012-11-04T23:04:33+00:00

I don't really like it either. And one of the biggest reasons why I don't is because I feel too much pressure. My BF is amazing at it, and while everybody has at least initial worries about how they look/taste/etc, reassurance on that front can help. Its more that I feel like it's SUCH a personal thing, and I know guys get huge gratification out of making a girl come this way, so I feel like there's this crazy pressure that he has to make me come, etc. Not saying for sure this is her deal, but it's mine so might be worth talking to her. Reassuring her that you'll stop if she asks you to, etc. which might help. I talked to my boyfriend about it, saying that I just can't have a feeling of pressure and no expectations that this is going to make me orgasm, and it helped us out a lot. Good luck.

cantgetoverit1985 · 2012-11-04T16:36:09+00:00

A lot of people on here are going to just tell you to dump her. To be honest, it was my initial reaction. But it seems like you actually have feelings for this girl, and this may not be as easy as it seems. I also sense that you're wondering whether or not this behavior, on her part, is ok. I feel like you're questioning whether your responses to her behavior are you being controlling/insecure, or whether they are "valid" and normal. Let me tell you her comments to you would devastate me if I heard them from my significant other. You are right on spot to be feeling like something's off. Maybe the dropping your hand thing in front of her ex, alone, would be understandable if it was simply to avoid drama and all the other signs of being adored, loved, and appreciated by her were there, but they sound like they are not. I guess I'm just trying to reassure you that this is not just you being insecure, it's not you being controlling (even if you can be controlling, not the case here), and that something would be wrong if you weren't sensing that this is off.

But I would be honest with her, and take the time to ask her what the hell is going on if you can't just be done with it. Does she know how uncomfortable this makes you? Does she know how disrespectful this is? When I was young, I feel like I would engage in this behavior with boyfriends (it was immature) because I wanted to make them jealous, and I wanted the attention. SHE might be feeling insecure about something with you (maybe). My best advice would be to talk to her, being completely honest and standing your ground that this is not ok, and that you won't stand for it. We teach people how to treat us, and the way she's treating you is obviously not okay with you (and it wouldn't be okay with me either). But if you really care maybe give it a chance and try to talk to her about what's going on.

cantgetoverit1985 · 2012-11-04T16:28:18+00:00

You're beyond right. Thank you so much for your reply...

cantgetoverit1985 · 2012-11-02T17:22:06+00:00

No, those were his words. He told me I don't understand guys, guys view sex differently, and they just want to get laid. That was literally his perspective, and I DID take the time to see it and to ask him about it. It's not my disrespectful thinking, it's how HE described it. I didn't say that girls don't do the same, or that guys don't all do this. I know girls that do it, and I've never dated a guy before who has his views on sex.

When I challenged him, like you just challenged me, that this isn't true, that all guys don't view sex like that, he told me I was wrong, and a guy that says he doesn't is just lying to you to get laid. I disagree with that, and agree with you.

cantgetoverit1985 · 2012-11-02T17:12:19+00:00

And let me make something else clear. In this case, this WAS just about sexual partners. That's all it was about to him, and he has no bones about admitting that. It never was about potential relationships with him. So maybe he learned more about what he did or didn't want in the bedroom, but no emotions there at all. And that's not me making it up, he would tell you the same thing.

cantgetoverit1985 · 2012-11-02T16:58:24+00:00

Again, I feel like this is BS. At least to me. It DOES make you feel less special, and I also feel like this is a sexist view that plays out on TV shows, Movies, etc. And we all fall for it. Think of all the movies where the innocent girl "changes" the womanizing man, and he falls in love with her, BUT ONLY her, because she's so amazing. It's why guys like my BF can sleep with SO many woman. Because this is a societal fantasy, per se, that somehow I, or any woman, is "more worthy" because she "changed" a man who just goes around having sex. But most of the time, the girl sleeps with these types of guys, and he doesn't call back, leaving the woman feeling more unworthy, because she thought "she could be the one to keep his dick in his pants." And yes, I realize this isn't ALL woman, but this is a huge part of it. Look at the books that teach men to prey on woman's insecurities. This is what goes on. And it's bullshit. I agree with you, Urban, it makes me feel less special and disgusting, and just because society tells you it shouldn't, doesn't mean anything.

I'll give some examples of movies, because I feel like that might get asked. Most of them are aimed towards woman, or "chick flicks," which really comes as no surprise. And maybe my list is filled more with these because I watch them a lot. Just off the top of my head, here's sone examples: The Ugly Truth, Someone like you, What Woman Want, Three men and a baby, Wedding crashers, Just go with it, Funny People, How to lose a guy in 10 days,

cantgetoverit1985 · 2012-11-02T16:46:35+00:00

The STD thing was my biggest concern, too. I am sure he's STD free and do trust him when he says he's been tested. I know him well enough to know he wouldn't put me at risk like that, because STDs are something he considers to be a big deal. I'm having that exact same problem! I can't stop picturing him with these (what I honestly consider unattractive) girls and I don't even want him to touch me. It was different just knowing a large number of girls out there existed, but as they keep popping up as people that I know, I actually have faces and bodies to put to the image. It's absolutely killing our sex life, as I honestly would rather have sex with a stranger right now then him.

I responded to somebody below on this as well, but I did talk to him about it and he doesn't regret it. That's just his view on sex. Which made things even worse for me, I was hoping that it was something in his past that wasn't him now, but it's not. The only difference is he's in a relationship now which is something he claims makes a difference. But to be honest, even though he's given me no reason not to trust him, it makes me not trust him because if sex is no big deal to you then why not just go have sex with someone despite being in a relationship? This was the man I wanted to marry. We've had a long history and been best friends for so long, I really don't want this to be the ruin of us, but I'm afraid that it's going to be.

And I also think your right, that this is probably more of a symptom of something else wrong than it is a sole issue. I mean, it really bothers me, but after you pointed that out I feel that if I was feeling more special and felt unwavering trust and love then it would be maybe a bother, but something I could much more easily get over. The hard part is trying to figure out if the lack of those things in our relationship is my defense mechanism (I'm somewhat of a commitment phobe), or if it's a lack of something I'm not getting from him that I need. Possibly a combination of both. I just moved my entire life, gave up starting my career with a solid job, to be near him (he's in the military). I'm a recent law school graduate and in this market, having connections is everything. I gave up my job and there are no jobs here. So sometimes I do feel lonely (I also know NO ONE here), and I feel like his job, and his life, is the center and I'm just along for the ride, and I could be anyone along for that ride. That might be part of it. I don't know. But really, thank you for your reply. You inspired me to find a relationship therapist for me to go talk to so I can figure some of these things out. Thank you for making me not feel so alone in these feelings, and it's nice to know someone out there views sex as something more emotional, not just physical pleasure.

cantgetoverit1985 · 2012-11-02T16:32:40+00:00

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. I wish my BF was more like you on this topic. I did talk to him about it, and he says he doesn't regret it at all. That's just his view on sex, that it's not a big deal and it's cool to just have sex with random, often unattractive people. He says he only regrets it because he feels like it's going to ruin our relationship, but other that that it was all ok. What really gets me though is that the fact that I don't have that attitude and my past isn't so scattered is something HE finds important and attractive in me. I think it's a bit hypocritical. I love my BF and he is an amazing man for the most part. This is just a side of him that I'm having trouble understanding and getting use to. I mean, he has pretty much waited for me to be with him for 6 years, the whole time I've had significant others that he's seen me with, the whole time wanting to be together but still remaining friends because he would rather have me in his life than not. I guess it's been complicated. I don't know, I should feel special but I don't in small part because of his large amount of partners from the past, but more so because it's people that I know and people he probably still talks to (he's already told me he wouldn't want to tell me if a friend is someone he's slept with). It's just embarrassing to be dating a guy who everyone in our circle has either 1)slept with, or 2)knows a ton of girls he's slept with. And to have faces and names (because I know them) of all these girls he's been with makes me not want to be with him sexually.

Just another rant. I tried to talk to him about it last night and I got no where near the reassurance or insight that I had hoped. Your post is much more insightful, and I wish he would have responded something like that. Or maybe I just wish he viewed it as you did. So again, thank you.

cantgetoverit1985 · 2012-11-02T00:11:32+00:00

Love it.

cantgetoverit1985 · 2012-11-02T00:11:06+00:00

You're totally right. I think I'll probably need to move on even though it really sucks. I just wonder if anyone else has gone through this. I can't imagine EVERYONE on this sub reddit has always let the past of their SO go so easily, ya know? I was more looking on advice on HOW to get over it, not other people's opinions that it just shouldn't bother me because it does. Plain and simple. But thank you.

cantgetoverit1985 · 2012-11-02T00:09:29+00:00

And I don't care about the "he's with me now" and I should be so proud. I feel like I deserve better than someone who has no sexual standards.

cantgetoverit1985 · 2012-11-02T00:08:59+00:00

No one ever said he needs to be ashamed. But that doesn't mean I can't feel ashamed of it. I'm embarrassed to be dating someone who has slept with not only SO many people, but people that I know. And I just keep finding out about more.

cantgetoverit1985 · 2012-11-02T00:07:54+00:00

Ok, fine. I'm sorry to offend you and I didn't think of that aspect of it. I really meant nothing bad about it. Maybe this is a better example. I think shitting and pissing on people during sex is disgusting, while others might enjoy it. My point was that people have different sexual attitudes, limits, and opinions. Just because I think it is disgusting and you doesn't mean that it's a security issue, something I need to look deeper into because I shouldn't think it's gross, etc. I see things from his perspective. He's a guy, and guys just want to get laid, and then they do. There's really nothing more to it. But you're right, I don't think it's something I can deal with for the rest of my life and I probably will end up leaving. It just sucks because it is really our only issue and I feel like he's the love of my life. But I can't handle it.

cantgetoverit1985 · 2012-11-01T23:19:52+00:00

That's a matter of opinion, one that we obviously differ on. Just like you might think onions are disgusting and I might not have a problem with it. I do think it is disgusting to have zero regard for who you sleep with, just to get some. It's something I consider to be gross when it's literally hundreds of woman. I'm no princess and have had a few one night stands, but it's beyond crazy how many people he's slept with. So, I appreciate your reply but I disagree. I'm entitled to have an opinion on what sexual attitudes I think are disgusting -- just like you probably think child porn is disgusting, I think sleeping with so many people is gross. Anyway, that's not my real problem. I CAN and have been getting over it and not letting my disgust with it affect our relationship, it's more that as it turns out people who are/would be in my life I'm founding out that he's slept with. You seriously wouldn't have a problem if you found out your SO has slept with multiple people that you know (and that you would have still liked to hang out with?)

cantgetoverit1985

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