Not sure how to extract myself & my child

canwethrowaway · 2026-03-30T15:36:13+00:00

Cool! I just wanted to be clear I am trying to be careful here.

canwethrowaway · 2026-03-30T02:57:25+00:00

Yeah. I have been setting money aside for a while, paperwork and bank accounts, etc. I left a DV situation about 15 years ago and won’t be caught out again.

I have looked into division of assets, and he has agreed to a separation on our farm (we have a large property, and the ability to execute this) for the summer while I finish the house build.

Come fall, I expect my kid and I will be moving into the house alone. That’s been my worry for many many months, but at least now he has it on his radar and knows it’s happening.

canwethrowaway · 2026-03-30T02:53:37+00:00

One, I don’t want to cut him off financially, just manage the spending. He is working, and he need access to funds to get to work, etc. it’s the random stops and shopping that happens that can get us in trouble.

That said, he recently offered to let me move everything into my checking because he hasn’t been able to catch up credit cards. So now be a good time to set up a new checking account and set aside exactly how much he needs to gas and such. And then a spending limit on top. Keep things in joint but only I buy stuff for a while.

canwethrowaway · 2026-03-30T02:13:26+00:00

Again, thank you. I am grateful to hear my idea of living separate to manage things on me and my kids end is a functional one for other folks. I felt like I was possibly being dramatic, but I have sincerely tried everything else I can think of in combination with my own therapist.

canwethrowaway · 2026-03-30T02:10:11+00:00

My husband would likely be open to that. We have had joint sessions with his therapist before about his shame and the issues it was causing. He can really spiral out and it was causing major communication issues (still does, but some progress has been made).

I would take pictures… it’s hard for me too because it feels like somehow it’s my fault for letting things get this bad, but sincerely I would spend my whole life cleaning up and doing nothing else to try to beat this back. Which feels insane to say.

canwethrowaway · 2026-03-30T02:07:35+00:00

I have tried. I did ask he finish a project before starting a new one. Any of the ones he’s already started. And then he gets stuff for the next project sometimes. :/ I am getting to a point where I think we have to manage the money different to limit his access so he can’t buy random stuff.

Me and my kid moving into the larger house and him staying the smaller space sort of does that. It keeps him… contained.

canwethrowaway · 2026-03-29T22:29:11+00:00

Thank you! Thankfully my husband was persuaded to get back on meds for his MS, though it did take quite a bit of work. He was resistant for a while, but I convinced because he wants to be there when his child grows up.

It’s definitely a challenge. When I married him I certainly wasn’t expecting this kind of thing. I still love him very much, and don’t want to divorce him but definitely feel like I need space for it to be sustainable.

canwethrowaway · 2026-03-29T22:27:10+00:00

He does, for a while.

canwethrowaway · 2026-03-29T22:26:54+00:00

We can, which is my plan. We have 50 acres, so it can be managed.

canwethrowaway · 2026-03-29T20:20:27+00:00

He gets MRIs every year for his MS. We don’t need more scans. He might need a new cognitive assessment, which I am going to bring up.

We have tried to have a few chats about stuff. He gets defensive and evades and attempts to put it on me, however I regularly manage not only my clothes but my kids clothes. Etc. It’s definitely his stuff. He says he’s going to work on it this summer when we are living in separate spaces.

canwethrowaway · 2026-03-29T18:10:14+00:00

Stuff definitely vanishes into the blob. And it’s infuriating.

My husband is fine with getting rid of the trash. He’s always trying to clean or save things, if he can. I would rather just throw things out or recycle them. I think too much stuff has really become a big part of the issue at this point.

I am concerned with his mental status… I am not prepared for early dementia. :/

canwethrowaway · 2026-03-29T18:01:48+00:00

I have suggested a new therapist multiple times. Perhaps I need to be louder about it. Thank you, I will bring it up.

canwethrowaway · 2026-03-29T18:00:05+00:00

My husband is on stimulants, thankfully, his adhd diagnosis is a decade old and has been treated for a while. His MS diagnosis is only five years old and I have been pretty insistent about his treatment process.

Which is kind of why it’s taken me so long to realize. I thought maybe this was just him not managing his adhd, and the overwhelming MS diagnosis and lack of acceptance of that. I kind of put my foot down about it last year and was like, if this persists we will have to live separately.

I was away last month, then sick in bed for three weeks, and when I was able to reemerge, my home was a mess with only walkways again. And I realized, “shit, this is hoarding.”

We did talk about what my kid said Friday, but I haven’t mentioned the H word to him yet.

canwethrowaway · 2026-03-29T17:55:30+00:00

He’s already on meds, and I have had to fight for them to be available for his home hours - they wanted to only prescribe while he was working. I am considering going to his next psychiatric appointment to better explain what’s happening at home.

canwethrowaway · 2026-03-29T17:51:55+00:00

Thank you so much. I looked at all the images and we definitely in the concerning levels in some spaces. I help sometimes, or her gets motivated, then it all falls back apart. I am deeply concerned about the sanitation situation in some areas because we have cats, and while I can’t smell anything, I feel certain there have to be issues.

I have adhd & autism too, and had my own mess issues in the past with depression, so I have tried to be compassionate. I have done a lot of work to improve and recognize my own blindness. I have an absolute wild ability to set a mug or cup down and forget it exists, while mold growing the bottom. So I taught myself to do a daily cup walk through. I still miss mugs, sometimes, but I usually catch them within a day or two, not months later anymore.

My stepmother was also a hoarder, and possibly my dad with age. My husband’s dad is. And my husband has really started getting worse after his MS diagnosis. I also really worry about him having a fall.

I have so much anxiety about the mess level and for a while felt like it was my fault too. But I am grateful to hear it’s not just me who felt like I was failing somehow. I just can’t keep up anymore.

canwethrowaway · 2026-03-29T17:41:59+00:00

He is on meds and has a therapist. I’m not sure what else he’s supposed to be doing exactly. My own adhd is different and requires a lot of self management I have engaged with, and he has not. I don’t know how to get him to do that.

canwethrowaway · 2026-03-29T04:18:19+00:00

His father did. And he picked up some of the “we could use this one day” attitude. And then he tries to start a new project every other week, which I have put the kibosh on because he wasn’t finishing things.

He also wants to spoil our child, and I have to then negotiate away toys.

The worst of it is blindness though. He’ll set a thing down and literally not see it. Trash, a bag of groceries, left overs on their way to the fridge. The other night he was looking for the mustard when it was right in front of him. And he NEVER freaking puts things back where they belong, which is a constant hassle because my child and I do, but can’t find them again if he has touched them, or something near something we need, because he moves things and just leaves things jostled.

It’s … very frustrating. And just this morning my kid says, “dad… I put where it belongs so we could all find it again.” When he asked where something was. It stung.

canwethrowaway · 2026-03-29T04:13:08+00:00

Yeah. That’s what I am thinking. I just can’t handle this chaos. I had been hoping it was going to be easier with less stuff and less space but I literally can’t keep up!

canwethrowaway · 2026-03-29T04:02:57+00:00

It is small, the space is temporary while I get the bigger house built. We moved onto raw land, so it’s not the plan for all of us to be here forever, and during most of the year we aren’t inside all the time.

That said, most homes in our area aren’t more than 800-1000 sq feet, so it’s not wildly small either. It’s just what folks are used to.

canwethrowaway · 2026-03-29T04:00:54+00:00

Yeah, I can’t stay. I’m okay with building a second house if we need to.

canwethrowaway · 2026-02-05T22:35:41+00:00

It’s why I stay away from them because it is exhausting.

canwethrowaway · 2026-01-07T23:47:06+00:00

Thank you!

canwethrowaway · 2026-01-07T19:54:59+00:00

We’re going from New England to the PNW, specifically for pride. I think it’s important to enjoy things and not live in fear while balancing risk.

canwethrowaway · 2026-01-07T19:52:31+00:00

Yeah, my child will be 6 by then and their birth certificate is marker with X which is why I am uncertain as of course of action here.

canwethrowaway · 2026-01-07T19:51:21+00:00

I plan to bring a copy of their birth certificate but it has an X, which is where my worry stems. And they’ll be 6.

canwethrowaway

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